karai Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 (edited) Hi malign,Thanks for the nutty instructions. I will try it. Coming from you it should work!You always make me laugh, so, just for you, I will find some women-bashing jokes just to be fair-- not that they are easy to find!But, wait--one more male-bashing joke....Did you know that many problems women experience start with men?MENopause, MENstruation and MENtal illness!!! Edited May 30, 2009 by karai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karai Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 (edited) Okay malign,I got the woman bashing joke as promised!...Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!” The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.” Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers, continue reading…. … … … … … … The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Edited May 31, 2009 by karai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Thanks for the equal time, Kara. :-)The instructions for which way to turn a nut sounded nutty to me, too, when I first heard them from an old guy when I was in my twenties (I was anything but mechanical.) As long as you agree that turning to the "right" is clockwise, it's all good ...This is why, when I worked with hardware engineers, they wouldn't let me have a screwdriver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karai Posted June 2, 2009 Report Share Posted June 2, 2009 (edited) Hi malign,You're welcome--it's only fair...and regarding clockwise/right, I get confused with light bulbs! But, talking about old guys....50 Bucks An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up and into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.” This is another one for equal time! Edited June 2, 2009 by karai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted June 2, 2009 Report Share Posted June 2, 2009 First line from a recent news article:"Wealth, fame and good looks may be a formula for anxiety rather than happiness, a new study suggests."I knew I was feeling anxious for a reason! I must be too rich and good-looking.(Almost posted this to the Anxiety forum.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karai Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Hey malign,Too funny! So you must be that handsome rich guy who bites his nails a lot?! Anyway, another joke® from the internet:Cheap Husband After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karai Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Okay, more jokes cause I really need them today! Enjoy!the Fight!One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.-------------------------------------------My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied, "Dust." And that's how the fight started. -------------------------------------------A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'And that's how the fight started.-------------------------------------------My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.. I bought her a scale.And that's how the fight started.-------------------------------------------I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweetappreciation.'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'And that's how the fight started.------------------------------------------- My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'And that's how the fight started.-------------------------------------------I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.And that's how the fight started.-------------------------------------------I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah, she can order for herself.'And that's how the fight started... John Rutledge 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Rutledge Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 (edited) deleted.... Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home. ************************************************************Jim says, ''My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason.''Steve says, ''Why's that?''Jim says, ''Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit.'' ************************************************************A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. ************************************************************One of my friend has named his 3 kids NC, MC and ABC! I asked why, he said: 1st Natural Curiosity, 2nd Mutual Consent and 3rd Absolute Bloody Carelessness. ************************************************************A naked woman gets into a taxi. A cab driver looks at her stupefied. What's up. Havn't you ever seen a naked woman? No. I'm just wondering where you suppose to take the money from.************************************************************A blonde, suffering from sore throat, goes to see the doctor. He asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says, ''Open wide.'' ''I can't, the chair's fitted with arms.'' ************************************************************Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum? A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later. ************************************************************Two flowers: I love you, darling!!! I love you, too!!! I want you so much!!! Where the f**k are those darned bees? ************************************************************A lady goes to a dentist,she sits on the chair and starts taking off her clothes. Dentist: Err..mam I'm not a gynecologist. Lady, I know, I just want you to remove my husband's dentures.************************************************************lase class is told to draw a woman's reproductive system.Onegirl is so shy she's facing down. A boy YELLS, ''Sir,she's copying from the originals. ************************************************************The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse.''Excuse me,'' said the doctor, ''but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?'' ''I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs.'' ************************************************************Son: What's the defference between Love, relief and belief ? Father: Your mom is love, your maid is my relief and I'm your Dad- well that's my belief. ************************************************************The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, ''Where do babies come from?'' Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, ''From the stork of course!'' The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, ''But mom, who f**ks the stork?'' ************************************************************ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulianP Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 (edited) ............. Edited February 3, 2010 by JulianP deleted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted September 20, 2009 Report Share Posted September 20, 2009 The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.I went to the bank to borrow a cup of money, they said what for ?, i said i want to buy some sugar.The best way to realise your dreams, is to wake up.If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel, then i will let you have the pen.Every so often i like to stick my head out the window, look up and smile for a satelite picture.The obscure we see eventually, the completly apparent takes a little longer.On the other hand .............. you have different fingers.Take careJj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Rutledge Posted September 20, 2009 Report Share Posted September 20, 2009 (edited) deleted..... Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted September 20, 2009 Report Share Posted September 20, 2009 Curiosity killed the cat ........... but for a while i was a suspect.If toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it ?When i get real bored, i like to drive into town and get a great parking spot, then i sit in my car, and count how many people ask me to leave.Right now im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, i think i've forgotten this before......Take careJj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OCDmom Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 Only at the precipice do we evolve.From "The Day The Earth Stood Still" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than YouI have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me.Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simpleDr Seuss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 Some days your the bug....... Some days your the windscreen.Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Experience is something that you dont get until after you need it.Always remember you are unique, just like everybody else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karuna Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 You can't prevent what you can't predict. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 Your just jealous coz the voices only talk to me.Dont take life too seriously .............. you wont get out alive.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.Im not a complete idiot ........ some parts are missing.If at first you succeed ........ try not to look astonished.Hard work has a future pay off , lazyness pays off now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlyHuman Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 (edited) .......... Edited May 21, 2010 by OnlyHuman ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 Born free....... Taxed to death Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karuna Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 Someone asked me if I knew I had 6 months to live, what would I do? I said I'd move in with my mother-in-law. It would be the longest 6 months of my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 A conclusion, is somewhere you end up, when tired of thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 If at first you dont succeed ~ Destroy all evidence, that you tried Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Rutledge Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) deleted ..... Edited October 31, 2009 by John Rutledge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jutias Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 >> >>> That's When the Fight Started>> >>>>> My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were >> in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No." she >> answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?">> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, >> "....Then I'd like to phone a friend...." And that's when the fight >> started.... John Rutledge 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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