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What do you do?


kjwilgen
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Hi,

I have a situation with my sister that has gone on for over 30 years. She is 11 years older than I am. Her husband cheated on her 30 years ago. She took him back and have been together ever since. We used to celebrate her children's birthdays together, than about 20 years ago it stopped. Her house became a mess, she won't clean or throw anything out. No one is allowed in her house. About six months ago she made her husband move out. He has been trying to talk with her and figure this out. It always ends in a fight. The best I can tell you is that she is a very jealous person. She thinks her husband has brought the neighbor wives and their neighbors wives and even me to the house for an affair. It seems she doesn't want to take care of a house where all his affairs (supposedly) have taken place. I guess she has never actually forgiven her husband of having an affair. I have never been close to my sister. I thought it was because of the age difference, but maybe it's just her depression or whatever she has. It is now affecting our parents. She will not call and talk to them. My mother called her recently to come and sit with her father, who is 86 and in poor health. She will not do it. My mother is upset and can't figure out why her daughter is so mad at her. Being I was never close to my sister, I don't feel I should try to talk to her, besides everyone who tries to confront her, just ends up making things worse. But I am involved because I can't stand to see my parents being upset so much about this. I don't know what to do. I would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences and any advice.

Thank you.

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Hi kjwilgen & welcome to our Community!

Her house became a mess, she won't clean or throw anything out. No one is allowed in her house. About six months ago she made her husband move out. He has been trying to talk with her and figure this out. It always ends in a fight.

She is probably suffering from Depression! Unless she will go and see her Doctor, she will get worst, not better! How is her mental state of mind? Would you say that she is a danger to herself or other's? If you think that she could be, then you could inform the Authorities & tell them that you thinks she needs help & she will not seek it herself.

Explain that you are worried for her safety! How does she manage for food, bills etc? She has to eat. Does she go and buy her own food, pay her own bills?

You could do with logging everything down. When you know who has called her, what reaction she has given them, how she is living at the present, whether you have discussed medical treatment with her. This will help if she is to be assessed with any mental problems.

Get in touch with your Social Services, Welfare Officer & explain the situation to them & ask them whether they can help you?

The best of luck!

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Thank you for the response. :)

How is her mental state of mind? Would you say that she is a danger to herself or other's?

From what I have heard of her conversations with her family, I honestly think she would be dangerous to herself. I have had my own bouts with depression and have had thoughts of suicide. With what is going on in her life, I can't believe she wouldn't think about it.

Everyone is scared to confront her because she will go off on them. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her, yet I'm afraid if I call someone it may really push her over the edge. She doesn't need to live this way. Everyone loves her and wants to help but are afraid to.

Pretty sad.

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I'd like to comment on what you have written. Your sister is behaving irrationaly . Due to anger, depression, paranoia or what, she is not thinking straight.

Is there any way she would think about talking to a therapist? Or getting a mental evaluation? The professionals are the ones to decide what treatment she needs , and figure out what is going on.

Being A danger to oneself or others would be a emergency, and she would have to be doing something dangerous to herself or somebody else , not just to say, "I want to kill myself" and not be serious, sometimes, though that would indicate instability and sh'ed need not be 5150. Depends on the circumstances.

Does she do drugs or drink too much? Is she involved in other 'bad" behaviors? Has she ever told her husband if you leave me then i'll burn the house down? or commit sucide, or if you come back I'll kill you?

those things are gross examples of a person whose over the edge , i realise that. But, sometimes a person will gradually build up to their breaking point, then snap.

I do agree that she would benifit from a psych evaluation.

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I think the only one that could talk to her would be her husband. He has been trying to talk with her. They have talked about couple counseling, but she wants him to set it up but he is afraid to because if it's a woman he will pay the price, and if it's a man he is afraid of the outcome. I have heard that they went to counseling 30 years ago and she fell in love with the counselor they went to see at their church, (Whom was married and not interested in a relationship with her). I believe this is true, because she would call me at work and have me look up his phone number for her.

I have never seen her touch a drop of alcohol or do any drugs. I hear she is mean when she gets mad and has hit her husband with a hairbrush now and again. I don't think it has gone any further than that.

I would like to talk to her husband about her, but I am afraid to because if she ever found out, it would make things all the worse.

Unfortunately, I try not to think about the problems that go on with her, but it keeps coming back and affecting my mother, especially.

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I would like to talk to her husband about her, but I am afraid to because if she ever found out, it would make things all the worse.

Unfortunately, I try not to think about the problems that go on with her, but it keeps coming back and affecting my mother, especially.

How will she find out if you talk with her husband? It will either be you or her husband that tells her! Her husband needs to sit down and think this thing through! Whatever he decides, he has got to think of his wife's welfare & health!

What about you kjwilgen, do you think of her Health & welfare, or are you just bothered about it upsetting your mother? This feller needs your help more than anything here! To try and save his own marriage. Your sister could be very poorly & all your bothered about is her upsetting your mother! Explain to your mother what she has gone like & your mother should understand? She's her mother as well isn't she?

This is the time when a girl might need her mum? I don't know, I don't know the history. that is your business! But do you understand what I am saying?

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Thats a very difficult situation to be in. On the one hand, it is difficult, if not impossible, to get help for someone who doesn't want help. On the other hand, if she is a danger to herself, an involuntary admission may be just what she needs. A friend of mine was (rightfully) concerned about my state of mind a couple of years ago and called the sheriff in my community. The next day, they showed up at my door with the coroner, to determine if I should be committed. They allowed me to call a dear friend and, when she assured them I could stay with her and she would monitor my medication and get me to a therapist ASAP, they did not commit me. I think they really prefer to see the person get the help they need without being committed but sometimes that is the only thing that will keep them safe. I think if she is truly a suicide risk, you NEED to call and let someone know. The sheriff or coroner whoever makes the determination in your area does not have to tell her who called. If she is willing to get help after being confronted and has a friend or family member willing to be accountable for her, perhaps that could work for her.

It does sound like symptoms of depression to me. I have bouts of major depression 1-2X per year and find it impossible to attend to household tasks, don't talk to anyone, don't go anywhere, don't even turn on the lights. Admittedly, I have needed inpatient help on more than one ocassion and, more than once, those stays were not voluntary- yet, I am thankful for them now.

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