My day today

[Proverbs31:28]

This really touches on both anxiety and depression so figured I'd put it here.

Yesterday was pretty rough. Lots of triggering events that, by the end of the day, had me in knots. It was payday which means grocery shopping. Ugh! I just hate grocery shopping- the people, the choices, everyone rushing around and making me feel hurried. And, I usually use self checkout to avoid the judgment of the cashiers but, honestly, we were out of pretty much everything which meant waaaaayyyy too much for self checkout. So, I went to a cashier- the first time I have done this in MONTHS. I totally forgot that they don't bag things the way I do- even though I put everything on the conveyor belt in the exact order it needs to be bagged- boxes together, cans together, cold items together, non-food items together, produce together, etc. So, there I stood, watching her silently judge my choices and watching her pile everything into bags in any which way they would fit. As soon as I paid, I ran out of there as fast as I could.

When I got home, SIL wanted me to go to lunch with her. There was NO way I was going back out! So, I just sat at home, piddling on the computer. I have the TV on in the background and suddenly, it dies. Yep, dead. Now, there is no way I can afford a new TV. I am already behind on my car note because DS needed medical care last month and I had to pay the $500 deductible upfront, so I skipped my car note. Anyway, the reality that I cannot afford something as insignificant as a TV hit me hard. How does one go from a $75,000+ income to barely scraping by? Because I am a failure, thats whay! So, I ruminate on this thought for a while. I have a failed marriage, failed career, am failing as a mother and really, can't see any future at all. This leads to panic- HOW will I provide for my kids if there is even the slightest misfortune? In fact, if anyone came into our home, how badly would they judge me for the lack of provision? The more I thought, the more depressed I got, the more anxious I got and next thing I know, I am on the floor, crying hysterically, rocking back and forth and hyperventilating. I don't remember sitting ont he floor, it was like I just kinda "came to" that way. I was then overcome by a strong urge to SI but tried everything I could to distract myself including surfing the net, cleaning the floors by hand, washing and rewashing the dishes- anything to keep my mind focused. The urges eventually passed and I went on to sleep around 3:00 a.m.

So, today, I get up ay 7:00, get my kids ready for school and out the door. On the way to school, I realized I left my purse at home. Once again, I panic. What if I am stopped? Get in an accident? Run out of gas? Car breaks down? I have no ID, no money, nothing! My stomach was in knots and I was so dizzy but I actually got them to school safely and back home. Once home, the panic started again. I thought "its best to get out of the house before I do something stupid."

So, I go to the PO to get stamps and then tried to run a couple of errands. I felt like every single person in the world was watching me, judging me, mocking me. I could *hear* people whispering, laughing. I could *feel* their stares and their judgment. I thought the best thing now was to begin a project- something that required my full attention- so I can escape my thoughts.

DD has been wanting me to make her these refab blue jeans so I got the instructions last week but need to practice. So, I went to Goodwill to buy some old blue jeans to practice on. What a HORRIBLE idea that was! I could smell, see, and feel the germs everywhere! Everywhere! I could feel them on me- I felt unclean and disgusting! I left quickly and got into my car. I couldn't find my hand sanitizer (turns out, I left it at home!) and I NEEDED to get the germs off, but I couldn't! I cried the whole way home.

People wonder WHY I don't like to leave my house. THIS Is why! THIS Is what happens! The world can be so scary and dangerous, but its even worse in my own mind.

[pokets]

Hi proverbs

Sorry to hear ur struggling with things in ur life right now, i know wot u mean bout the lack of money i too was in a gd job til i got forced out coz of my health, so now relying on benefits which are no where near to wot i was earning, ur not a failure to ur kids ur there mum and they love u, and reading some of ur previous posts u love em to bits tho hard to cope with at times. i know wen my step children were growing up they missed out on things 1 coz of lack of funds and 2 coz of my health and i have never felt such a failure, but i was talking to my step daughter the other nite she is 20 now and has a 1yr old d of her own and she said all these things wen she was little tho hard they were, were ok coz she felt the love we had for her which really meant alot. and im sure ur kids will feel the same, coz there loved, i have always thought my self a failue to the kids the step son doesnt have contact now but i send him text and email once a month just to tell him i think bout him n love him.

I can totally understand the supermarket anxiety, i too like my shopping packed into accordance to wot they are, i always say to the cashier give me the bags i will pack my own, and i know people look and prob get annoyed and this really winds me up, but i have to do it otherwise my anxiety wud be even higher.

U really have to be proud that u didnt result in self harm and that u managed to distract from this, i kow only to well how hard that is.

I too find it hard to leave my flat, and now how isolating it is and how it can make u even frightened of oneself. I dont know wot i am really saying, but want u to know u r not on ur own, sorry for the ramble i hope it makes some kind of sense. u be gd to urself ur def not a failure in anyway,

take care

jo xx

[paula]

Hi Proverbs & Jo

Like Jo said, you are not a failure! I'm sorry that I don't understand your s/i problems as I don't get them. Probably the only thing that I don't suffer with?

The main thing is that you held it all together! I probably couldn't of done that? You wouldn't of seen me for dust. I would of ran out of there crying my eyes out & this is what would of affected me for the rest of the day. Just crying! Thats all I seem to do lately but hey, thats another story!

You take care, well both of you!

[Mark]

Not a failure P - not at all.

You're dealing with stressful life events - and you have a tendency towards depression and anxiety (re: a bit of catastrophizing happening today) which magnifies the problems out of proportion. This leads to terror and probably helplessness feelings. grasshoppers look like monsters when you look at them under a microscope.

And yet - despite the fact that you are feeling like you need to leap out of your skin - you are finding ways to hold it together. That is a strength. Not everyone can do this but you today are doing it. That's a strength and not a failure.

In the moment it is hard to cope with the feelings of overwhelm, but when you get home and feel a little calmer, that is a time when you can write down the perceptions and the thoughts in your head and try to look at them in a realistic non-magnified light. When you can see things more for the threats that they do represent and not all dressed up in extra but fantasied threats then you can still worry but you worry less intensely.

Mark