how to depend on myself?

[breathless]

when you realise there is no one that you can really depends on..what would u do? to give up the hope of your life or to be strong and depends on ourselves?

i have told someone( who i depend on) about here, he knows im a member doing post here and also knows my nickname. but i realise that he never came here to read my post..or even care if i post or not..

i guess he just doesn't really care how i feel..or maybe tired of someone who is crazy depressed unattractive....

I try to learn how to depend on myself..especially mentally..

i know life would be a lot easier if there is someone always there care about you and support you..but i starting to doubt if there is someone who can be always like that..no matter how terrible their partener is?

life became valuable if you can support someone and make their life better..but they should never depend on you in everything. same way..you should never depends on someone just because he/she used to helped you and support you. i feel it's miserable if ppl live just for food and clothes. i feel it's even more miserbale if ppl live for someone else just for a little bit support in life. cos that one can give you everything you want in life but oneday he/she can also take away everything that you hope for in life...

try to be strong and learn to take care of myself..maybe it the only way to survive ...so does everyone..

[kaudio]

Hello breathless, I agree that one should not be too dependent upon others. But, while you did not mention this directly, I find the opposite extreme of the idea that independence involves doing everything yourself as a little strange. Just as it is difficult to live too dependent upon another, it is difficult to live as a must-take-care-of-everything-because-no one-will-do-it-for-him adult. A good balance must be found between the two extremes.

As your post suggests, to be too dependent upon another person may cause too much stress for this person. So can you think of some tasks where you normally rely on others to complete that you can take? It is best to start slow with a few tasks, and then you can work your way up to more unfamiliar ones. This will allow you to build your confidence and show yourself that you can do these things that you have deferred to others.

You are not a terrible person. You can appreciate that something needs to change in order to bring a good balance to your relationships. But, rather than focus on the dichotomy of dependence and independence, perhaps your problem has more to do with self-confidence and esteem. For North Americans, the idea of independence can easily become warped with all the vague suggestions and images people receive from all sorts of media. Yet, when you think about it, independence has no meaning to a person when he does not even have the confidence to dream good things for himself.

So, rather than focusing on the question of how to depend on oneself, I suggest to reword the question into this: How to build more self-confidence?

Edited March 8, 2009 by kaudio

[malign]

Breathless,

Maybe I'm reading between the wrong lines here, but ...

It seems to me that the most important part of your post was that you told someone whom you depend on that you were posting here and your screen name, and that he never came to read your posts. But your conclusion is "i guess he just doesn't really care how i feel".

To me, that seems like a big leap. I can think of lots of reasons why a guy might not take the hint to read your posts. Some that come to mind are:

1. He might think they're private, despite the hint.

2. Granted that you might be uncomfortable saying some things and would rather write them here, he, on the other hand, might be more comfortable (or even feel more valued) if you could say these things to him directly.

3. He might be a stereotypical guy, who's uncomfortable with deep emotions in any form, even though he might care about you. In other words, he might want to be supportive, but not know how.

And so on. You see, we're basically trying to read his mind, and I, for one, have never been much good at that. :-)

You could try talking to him. That doesn't have to represent a decision to depend on him. But your assuming that you can guess why he hasn't read your posts is the same thing as deciding that you can't depend on him. And I know it's easier to assume you can't depend on him than to ask him, and risk having him prove it. (This is one I do all the time myself, cut people off just so that they won't have the chance to cut me off.)

I'm definitely not saying you should depend on anybody else, completely. But there's a danger in turning completely inward, as well. A person starts to make assumptions (like that they're "crazy depressed unattractive") that don't make sense, but without outside contact, they can't check those assumptions against reality.

Keep checking, okay?

[mscat]

Hi Breathless,

I think you were hoping somebody important to you was going to come here and read your post? A guy you felt like cared about you? Perhaps I may be wrong, however that was what I gathered in your post.

But then I continued reading. I'd like to comment and tell you there are plenty of women who are very independent and self relient. WHo do not need a man to feel complete, or feel like they can suppot themselves , emotionally, financially, and happily . AND they are not gay.

Actually it is a much better place to be, then to always be searching , for that one guy to find true happiness, or to fullfill the "void" some women say they have without A man .

I don't know, every woman is different, However, from personal experience , I am 40 yrs old, and in my 20 was well a party girl.... Now, I could care less about men, really , I do not need a man. I am independent, raised a child, a special needs one on my own for 15 yrs, done everything. SO some may say I am a loner, my brother calls me , and he knows me best, that i just plainly do not like anybody.

Don't get like that. It is just that u don't have to have a man to be happy , and you can depend on yourself

[paula]

Here, Here! I am with you all the way mscat! I am 45 yrs old and have been on my own for the past 12 yrs, I have two sons which one still lives with me at the ages of 27 & 21.

12 yrs ago, being left on my own, the eldest was 15 yrs old & the youngest was 9 yrs old, & I had a full time job as well.

I never had any maintanence of their father whatsoever, for the upkeep of them both, that is why I had to work and keep on working!

Fella's are only usefull for one thing (Sex) & most of them are useless at that!

[malign]

In defense of men: some of us are okay at taking out the trash! :-P

[finding my way]

Hi Breathless, I too have some "codependent" tendencies. There has been some interesting discussion here. Yes, a woman doesn't HAVE to have a man, but perhaps your original thought was about the human (female or male) need to be in relationship and how much of that is about getting needs met and how much of that is being too needy. I think many of us have struggled with the quality of our primary relationships to our parents growing up, and are not quite "done" yet with what we needed for personality development. The confusion, shame, depression, etc of not really being "done" and ready for adulthood plagues many of us. All of that plays out again when we form adult relationships. There can be some true neediness that isn't anyone's fault but is really there and can't be gotten around. I think those issues deserve our patience and special care, for one thing, if we don't honor those needs they will turn quite negative!!! One way to address them is to get into therapy and get some help. Another is to talk about it with others that are open to that kind of discussion. Another might be journaling. The man in your life might not be able to handle that kind of discussion right now. That doesn't mean you can't pursue it and get some help for yourself. Hope you are doing OK.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Breathless, and all

You have received some wonderful reactions and advice from our other members. I think Kaudio makes an excellent point about raising your self confidence. I am not sure why you want your boy friend to read your posts here except that you hope he will give you praise or will like what you write? Or, could you explain why you want him to read your posts?

However, I want to comment about this issue of "dependence."

The "Women's Liberationists" of the 1970's coined this term to describe how they felt about men and female dependence: "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

It seems to me that the issue does not have to do with a "woman needing a man," nor about "a man needing a woman." Instead, the issue has to do with the importance of human relationships.

We human beings are social creatures. We thrive better when we have close and warm personal relationships. These relationships can be with men, women or both. They do not have to do with marriage or dating but friendship and involvement. In other words, we feel better when we are relating to other people. No, these relationships need not be sexual but they need to exist. Yes, there are times when a friend can disappoint but it is still better to have that relationhip than have none.

One more thing: How can we define being "too dependent?" We need people to socialize with and helps us feel better. We need time alone, but there is a difference between time alone versus loneliness. Loneliness comes from feeling like no one is there. So, if needing other people in life is "too dependent" then I would say: good, be too dependent.

What does everyone think about this?

Allan

[finding my way]

Thank you for your comment Allan. I think the value you and Mark put on relationships is the single most helpful thing I have gotten out of participating in this site. When a person is in that state of need they can so easily shame themselves over it.... or harden themselves so as not to feel that need.

[Lie_low]

About what Allan said—it’s true that a certain amount of dependency is good for us, maybe even necessary. It can be difficult sometimes though. I know that I have always been very independent and it just feels safer to depend on myself, even though I know it’s not always best for me... I do think it’s something worth working on though.

[finding my way]

You have really put your finger on it, Lie_low. Relationships are often NOT safe, and hurt us beyond our power to put ourselves back together, which is an utterly horrible state to be in. No wonder we put up walls. No wonder it takes such courage to try again. No wonder people stop trying.

It's worth the risk in spite of all that, or we wouldn't be here with each other.

[Lisa11]

life became valuable if you can support someone and make their life better..but they should never depend on you in everything. same way..you should never depends on someone just because he/she used to helped you and support you. i feel it's miserable if ppl live just for food and clothes. i feel it's even more miserbale if ppl live for someone else just for a little bit support in life.

Lisa11

[mscat]

In resonse to Allen's reply. I actually do not find it rewarding to form close relationships with others whatsoever. the older i get the more distant i become. I do better on my own, looking through others/ from 10 feet.. I stay to myself, need it quiet, and crave this. loud noises, bright lights, huge crowds, chaos, even driving is too much to handle. people , god, sometimes, I do believe i am not human, because i am so different. I have a dog, and that is wonderful for me:) I have a 15 yr old autistic kid, he is good, but can be chalenging. But, again I've managed .

I understand I have mental health issues, and they have been there for years, I am now 40, and was just told that the Si I do is deeply engrained in me . Anyway, Relationships, trust, NOT your neighbor. i have little. Probably becasue I've learned from previous mistakes. I beleive that is why I participate online in this community. It is safe. There is distance, annominty . People really just don't help me feel happiness or anything ... Just pain, and hurt.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mscat,

I reacted to a couple of things you wrote. First, of course you are human. I can understand your needing distance. Raising an autistic child is not easy, is very stressful and can even be traumatizing. The way you write about yourself in all of your posts makes me think you are totally human.

Second, you comment about your having "mental problems" I found upsetting. That term, "mental problems" puts such a negative spin on it. I don't know what else to say about that except that you need of healthy infusion of self esteem. You know, this world is so stressful that everyone has problems.

Third, of course you are not going to trust your neighbor unless you know her real well. Anyway, it is important for all of us to have a couple of close friends. That does not mean that we should be with them all of the time. In fact, we all need time alone. But, it is important to feel a connection to a couple of people. I am convinced that this site and other like it provide people with a way to feel connected but in a way that is safe.

Please tell me what you think, Mscat, and everyone.

Allan:)

[mscat]

"mental problems" I did not know how else to put it. that's all. DId not want to upset anybody at all. One bit. Always upsetting others , and it is always for not meaning it. I shall spare all the self pitty.

AS for my son. He's high functioning and gone for most of the day in a SDC class out of town. Therefore, it is My dog and I most of the time from 6:30am-5:00 pm. YES, everybody has there problems. No doubt. I am completely and totally aware of that fact. Thanks. I am not blind . Just choose to not be a part of it , because of the drama, and BS it brings in real life . Nothinging but pain and hurt in the long run. From my experiences and opinion only.

Frankly, I do well on my OWN.... I trust few, and depend on ME. YEs, I have a brother who I can sometimes talk to, a therapist, I talk to about things, and I manage to care for my kid, home, pay for the bills , and all. We live in a tiny town, and the majority of the population is Hispanic. It is gossip central here. I stay out of it all, and fine. As for family issues, HEll Fuc**** no. Real faimly is all jacked up. Foster faimily are all too "perfect" , wealthy, religious, and certainly I do not and have not ever fit into there lifestyle. They are doctors , engineers, know famous people, travel out of the country , oh well. i am on the outside looking in. They are the ones who sent us to Disneyland . I'll just say that my Foster father is 75 and looks 60, he is involved with golfing- " Tiger Woods" No kidding. U.S open, All those huge events, he's there. Just to give you all an idea.

That is not important to me . Relationships... NO. People, no. Me, no. I typically can't even feel much of anything. Numb a lot of times. That is the truth. It is not a matter of self esteem. It is a matter of not being able to feel much of anything at all. Now do u understand? How does a person have any type of relationships w/o being able to FEEL?

[IamLove]

Mscat- Hello Friend, Feelings are only subjective... Who's to say how much you SHOULDfeel in order to "have" feelings? Many times people over-react with feelings... or so it seems to me, this is probably not so to the one who is feeling.... Don't believe that just because you don't react emotionally to a situation the way others do, or think you should, that you don't feel.... If you didn't feel then you would not feel so let down, or suspicious/betrayed, or in need at all of sharing what you are experiencing.... this is feeling... I am glad you are so strong! but sometimes we must also be weak-it is humbling, it reminds us that we are human and not machines... Emotion is scary because it makes you vulnerable. (This is for Breathless as well...(Hello Friend)) Emotions are unpredictable and to let go of controling them is a scary thing to do... The worst part for me is admitting that I too am guilty of hurting others feelings, letting others down, being untrustworthy.. because I find that if I let loose of my emotions they all come pouring out, guilt and all. It is easier to ignore feelings than to deal with guilt or blame. I find that if I ignore my feelings for too long then I will have what I call a "melt-down", I will experience many suppressed emotions at once... But I also find this very cleansing.. after the flood has passed. I am uncomfortable sharing my emotions and would rather run and hide when I can no longer contain the pressure, but, it is much more beneficial to me if I do at least allow another "person" to observe my emotions, it reminds me of a saying.... Pain (loneliness, sadness, etc.) divided is divided, but happiness shared increases! If I do not divide my emotion with another (even if they are only "present" and not supporting) then the Pain remains the same.

Breathless- I spent the later part of my teens and early twenties trying to find Love outside of myself. I never felt unconditional love as a child (not really as an adult either (except for my children). I finally realized, after years of bad choices and relationships that failed, that what I really wanted was to be appreciated, I have also found that the harder I try to please others to get this appreciation, the more frustrated I become when they don't reward me with gratitude. More recently I have discovered that true appreciation comes when you help others, not try to please them. I have felt more appreciated by a stranger that I helped pick up something they have dropped then the empty "thanks" I got from my kids when I have spent 2 hours fixing a special meal.... The opportunities are endless, I went to the bank to order new checks and the account manager and I began a quite involved conversation, when I mentioned that I was/am a hairstylist she asked for advice on her hair (color) our conversation became personal, she started to cry and told me she was having trouble with her husband and apologized... (this really happened) I had never met her before, I just listened and she said she felt better sharing, again apologized, then she told me that she thought I was meant to come in and make her feel better... On my way home that day I stopped and dropped a sack off with a few chocolates, and a box of haircolor.... When she saw me her face lit up, she was a little embarrassed but completely and utterly appreciative...... there it was, what I really needed. In helping her, I helped myself feel better too! I hope this can help you both...... Love to you... Love is within you, not without.... If you can share love, then you must have it already right?

[finding my way]

Hi mscat . Is it that you don't feel or is it that you don't feel pleasure when you are with people?

I know you feel pleasure around Susie. I wish you could see my kitten. She has gotten so big, and her her tail is so fluffy it's almost bigger than the rest of her. She keeps putting things down my bathroom sink. Now if someone came over and did that, I'd be annoyed. It is so clear that she is entertaining herself, and it just cracks me up.

IamLove, thanks for your distinction on pleasing someone v helping them. That was a new thing for me to think about. Can you state "pain divided is divided" in a different way, because I don't get it yet. Lastly, it's good to see you around again!

Edited March 22, 2009 by finding my way

[IamLove]

fmw- thank you for caring and taking time to unravel some of my ramblings... the division: if you are grieving or afraid, it seems that when there is another to share this pain/emotion with, even if they say nothing or do nothing, part of the intensity of that emotion is released.... (having a sholder to cry on...)

I read a story about a little girl who saw her neighbor sitting alone in his yard,he had recently lost his wife, the girl climbed into his lap and sat for a while; when the girl returned home her mom asked I saw you with Mr. Smith, what did you say to him? The girl replied "nothing, I just helped him cry." His pain was divided (decreased) by her presence. She was not experiencing the same pain but she could share his burden with him.... If she were somehow removing the pain she would be subtracting it, but as it is... she has only shared a piece of it (a fraction). Happiness grows, increases, multiplies, procreates when shared (or observed). I hope this is a little more clear? I do have trouble diliberating what I find as truth. I would write a book if I had a phenominal editor.... Thank you Clarity.

[finding my way]

Thanks IamLove, I get it now!