Overcoming alcoholism

[beautifully flawed]

Hi everyone! I am in good spirits now because the work week is over. I was not doing so well last week and earlier this week. I am maintaining my previously mentioned (earlier post) alcohol consumption but the stresses of my job and life are getting to me right now. Some financial issues have come up and I cannot see a solution to the problem. I am leaving soon to see some friends but I don't really feel like going and haven't for awhile. I have turned down every social invitation I have gotten for at least a month. I think I am slipping into a depression and I know that makes me drink more. Living alone seems to facilitating these feelings. Everything is going wrong.

[Ray Smith]

Here's my story of early recovery, posted on the without_aa group, reposted on the "Danger Thin Ice" website:

After nearly a year sober, I was kicked out of an apartment program for "using drugs" after being prescribed Claritin for an ear infection. This was an apartment program in upstate NY for people with mental health and substance abuse issues. We were drug tested randomly.

The people running the place knew what medications I was on, after my first false positive, they administered the meds. I asked if the Claritin, prescribed or an ear infection, could be causing it (it can, it contains pseudophederine)

since the positives started right after I started taking it, they said, "No". The cheap dipstick tests they used had a 94% accuracy and the literature that comes with the test states that a positive result is an indication that further

testing is required.

After the first positive, I demanded that a gas/mass spec. test be run, they told me it was too expensive and that if I wanted it done, I had to come up with $125 on the spot. This was on a Friday, I would have gotten my monthly $250 on Monday, but they claimed that wasn't good enough. I immediately went to the treatment center I was attending for aftercare, and within an hour, they ran a gas/mass spec. test that came back negative. The apartment program claimed I had time to go out and "procure" clean urine.

The apartment program tried "gaslighting" me. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting ) They suggested that I was so mentallyill that I couldn't admit to using, even to myself. Things started moving around in my apartment while I was out, they denied having been in there, told me I was imagining things and this was proof my worsening mental condition. I took to placing a hair on my door, someone was going in and since they had the only other key....

They gave me the option of going to a 12-18 month residential, RELIGIOUS (knowing damn well that I'm an atheist) substance abuse program in another city or getting out with nowhere to go. I certainly didn't want to go through the hassle of starting over with my mental health services, I had already had major hassles getting them in that town and didn't want to start over in another city. On the apartment program's recommendation, Social Services cut me off. I couldn't get to see anyone there because my worker was on vacation, then overloaded when she returned.

I called a dozen people in AA that Friday night, got 11 answering machines. The only person who called back was my sponsor....Sunday afternoon. He wasn't sure if he believed my story since I wasn't working the AA program the way people thought I should be working it.

I called lawyers, no one wanted to touch it. Finally, I got to see my Social Services case worker the day I was being thrown out. (Turned out she as friends with the head of the apartment program. I believe they both trying to punish me for not being a good little stepper and were trying to force me to fail.) I was there from 8:30 when they opened, didn't see her until 3:30; she bitched me out for waiting so long. I near exploded, I had been there or called every day begging to see her, or ANYONE! She sent me to the YMCA at 4pm on a Friday, assuring me that they would have a room for me. They didn't and Social Services was closed.

I rushed home, called a friend (an alcoholic friend). He did what no AA person would do for me, he allowed me to put my stuff in his basement so it wouldn't end up on the street. He even came by in his truck and moved it.

I ended up sleeping in a park that weekend, right across the street from a store where I used to buy beer. I had about $50 bucks in my pocket and started thinking, "No one would blame me..." and I stopped. I realized that it didn't matter who would blame me, that only I had the power to determine if I stayed sober or drank. And I was going to be one year sober the next week and I'd be damned if they thought they could take that away from me.

Monday, I was back at Social Services and did end up at the Y. They decided that I needed to return to the six-month halfway house and treatment program I had already been through, I didn't know if I could make it through that bs a second time. My therapist advocated for me and got me into a 30-day "transitional home" for people with mental illness and into a dual diagnosis program at the mental health center. This debate over what to do with me had me living without a living allotment, food stamps, or a meal program. My caseworker from Social Services told me to collect cans.

In week 9 at the Y, I ran out of meds. I went to Social Services and told them, with a wicked gleam in my eyes, "You have me living without cash, I can handle that. You got me living without food, I can even handle that. Now you got me living without medication, do you really want to find out if I can handle that?" I got my cash allotment, food stamps, and medication the next day.

At week 10, I went to the 30-day transitional home where I ended up for almost 6 months. My case worker from Social Services had me jumping through so many hoops I didn't have time to fight and she kept going on and off of sick leave. I'd demand an appointment, get one for two weeks later, show up and she'd be out. I'd get an appointment to see someone else, only to find out she was back and my appointment had been changed again, to see her in another 2-3 weeks. By the time that rolled around, she'd be gone again.

At this point I was attending two half days a the treatment center for aftercare and 5 half days at the mental health center for the dual diagnosis program. Social Services then demanded that I start "volunteering" 30 hours a

week to remain eligible for benefits. My shrink had that cut to 20 hours and lessened the dual diagnosis treatment program hours. I was still running all week.

Legal Aid who had promised to help with this fiasco dropped the case without warning, but I was able to get an admission out of Social Services that I probably didn't relapse. After 5 & 1/2 months of the transitional home, plus the ten weeks at the Y, I was finally allowed to get my own apartment, got an OK from Social Services for a place I had my eye on. I could afford it, barely, probably have to quit smoking, but possible. Once I moved in, Social Services changed the rules again, cut my cash allotment, cut out my food stamps, and demanded I get a real job. They started threatening me with being cut off again if I didn't go out and get get 10 employers a week to sign a card explaining why I wasn't hired. When I said there weren't enough hours in the week for treatment, my volunteer job, and a job search the case worker gave me an evil grin and said, "Time management".

I managed to find a job working 20 hours mostly on the weekend. I was able to drop the volunteer job. By this time I had exceeded the 18-month period where I could have gotten help going back to school.

My depression worsened and the shrink wanted me to go on more meds. This would having raised my monthly bill to around $250. (Nothing like battling the system and being depressed at the same time.) Having been cut off a few times and paid over $100 out of pocket, with constant threats of being cut off, I talked to the nurse practioner and she suggested supplements. She took me off of all medication and I started taking St. John's Wort, fish oil, melatonin, and Valerian root. I wasn't expecting much, I never had ANY medication that really helped. I was shocked at the immediate and dramatic results I had from St. John's Wort. I was still getting my prescriptions filled because if I wasn't on medication, I wouldn't be eligible for benefits, especially therapy. No way could I afford that out of pocket.

Right after that, I was accepted by both Social Security and Section 8 housing. After a flurry of paperwork and running around, and I was free from Social Services. That was such an improvement on top of already feeling better, that I was almost manic. All these good things started happening, things I had worked for, but never expected or dared hope for. It was dizzying.

Flushed with success, I tracked down a former flame via the internet. We went together for a year, then she moved away. We kept in touch for 15 years, visiting each other occasionally, always a bit "more than friendly" until she visited in 1992 and I was lost in depression and alcoholism. I never had forgotten the look of disappointment in her eyes. I hoped that we could be friends again and even hoped that we could resume the occasional lover

relationship.

A lump sum from Social Security allowed me to get a car and a computer. I decided that during my vacation from work, I'd drive to Florida and visit Mom. On the way down, I'd stop by and see Joy. It went so well, I stopped on my way back and visited several more times and I started making plans to move close to where she lived. She was one of the founding members of a community and business that I never thought I'd be able to drag her away from, especially after a dozen years she had been there. A few months later, the community folded and she came to live with me. Six months later we were married.

At any point, the easiest thing would have been to give up. AA and the system programmed me to be a drunk, to go back to what taking a chemical fix when times got hard, but they had pissed me off too much by the time I spent sleeping in the park.

I got to where I am today by putting one foot in front of the other, on my own path, and continuing no matter what anyone else said or did. I expected a bit of satisfaction at doing what all those people told me was impossible, that I could stay sober without AA, but I never seriously thought I could be happy while doing it.

[finding my way]

How are you today, beautifully flawed? I am sorry for your struggles right now:(... Did it go OK with your friends?

[beautifully flawed]

Hi Finding, I'm doing alright today thanks for the concern. Things went well with my friends, which reminds me of why they are friends in the first place. They know all of my shortcomings and still want to put up with me. I always make things seem worse than they really are. Do you ever just wish you could get out of your head for a while (without the booze)? I made it through most of the day without a drink. You?

Ray,

I understand your (as I perceived ) resentment for traditional (?) recovery programs. I have never tried AA but I don't think it will be an option for me at any point. I have a bit of an understanding of social services as well. I know that I have the ability to be a sober, happy person someday of my own volition. I have already changed so much. Looking back at when my drinking problem first began I was miserable, trying to fit in where I didn't belong and attempting to be a person I knew deep down I was not. Now that I have a bit of a better understanding of who I might really be things are getting a little better over time. If I keep going in this direction I will get there, someday.

[finding my way]

Congratulations, beautifully flawed!!!!! I'm glad your friends could reaquaint you with how it can feel to have friends.... we are social creatures, and that dimension, when healthy, can help so much. Yes, getting outside one's head and the looping thoughts is a treasured skill!! I am always trying this and that to get there.... and it is well worth the effort.