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jamiecake2
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I just wanted to introduce myself my name is Jamie and I will be 28 in April. I have two children 5 and 3.5, girl and boy. And I'm suffering from clinical depression have been for most of my life. In 1994 my father committed suicide. This was brought on by a very fast bought with major depression. The suicide of course changed my life forever and for the worst. I've tried to think of myself as a survivor, but it made things so bad. My mother became a heroin addict my sister is homeless most of the time. And I'm stable but depressed. I feel I should have nothing to be depressed about because of my security. But there are so many unhappy thing going on right now.

I feel worthless and guilt about not ever amounting to much. I've been with the same job for going on 8 years working with people who have developmental dissabilities (severe). I can't stand it anymore plus I work third shift and hate it. I make no money it's paycheck to paycheck and it's not streching anymore. My boyfriend who I've been with for 8 years is very hardworking produce manager who really does not make enough either. I wanted to go back to college but can't for three more years because my kids will then be in school. I'm working part time also.

I just feel lonely no one is around. I have made a choice to be here always for my children and to never do what my father did to me. I'm just scared and have anxiety that this feeling will get worse and I can't cope anymore. I have an appointment with a psychologist April 7th. I've been on every med bad side effects hate them horrible weight gain. Help!!!!!!! Need to talk to others.

I posted this already in the new member area but wanted to post here too.

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I can relate, I am also 28, I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I feel so alone all the time, and I cannot see a way out. I am a believer in all things negative, there is nothing beautiful or good, about me or anything. My boyfriend and I had a big fight just tonight, that lead to my realization that I am a believer of all things negative. It seems like anytime anyone said anything negative or what could be construed as bad to me or about me, I immediately believe it. That includes things I say to myself. I hear it or say it, and it sinks into my brain and is made to be a fact. I suck, I am fat, I am ugly, I am stupid, I cannot do anything right. I am unsure of why I do this to myself, and I have no clue how to stop. I have been seeing a couple councilors at my school and I seem to take long breaks when I feel uncomfortable with doing something they ask of me. She (my councilor) mentioned that she wanted to try something on me that I have never done before, EMD, Eye Movement Desensitization, and I stopped going, that was a few weeks ago. I do not know much about this and was kind of hoping that if anyone else did they could tell me their experiences with it.

It was a big fight, I feel like its probably the last one. That makes me sad, and even though I do not want to be without him, I feel like he would be better off with out me. I would like to be able to be the woman that he deserves, I don't know if I can, or if he will give me the opportunity anyways. I know that I need to do it for me not him, I just don't want to do it without him. I don't know what to say or do to help him understand that I don't want to do this I just cannot help myself.

Do you tend to take out your stuff on your boyfriend or do you keep it locked up? How does he react to you when you are feeling down? Are there things that you have tried that seem to help with this feeling?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Jamiecake2 and Ilovetonap,

Well, let me respond to each of you separately. Although I want to welcome both of you to our community and I know you will find lots of support here.

Jamie: It is worrisome that your father committed suicide. First, it must have been awful for you. It is hard enough to lose a parent but to lose one in that way is expecially hard. Then between your mother and sister, wow, you have had more than your share of awful things. Besides sadness, I can only guess at the anger you must have felt. I hope you are getting help with your depression. You must do everything you can to avoid a suicide yourself.

Jamie, are you receiving any counseling, anti depressant medication or both. You really should and, I would say, this is a must for you?

Do you have any help with the children?

Ilovetonap, EMDR is a type of therapy whereby a specially trainded specialist (psychologist, psychiatrist, clinical social worker) uses your eye movements to help you get in touch with past traumas. It is very effective in work with survivors of trauma but is also helpful with all types of anxiety and depression. Yes, it is worth trying and it is not fake.

Can you tell us more about that fight with your boyfriend?

Allan:)

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Hi Jamiecake2 and Ilovetonap, & welcome to our community.

Jamie, you go on about having to make ends meet. This world is not easy and I can relate to where your coming from. I too am on Benifits here in the UK. However, I do voluntary work for the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) This gives everyone the Advice on their rights! But at the moment I can't even do that as my Therapist has put me on Incapacity Benefits, claiming that I'm not well enough in my head! (in other words, she thinks that I'm losing it, Ha!) It's because I'm not working that I became isolated in my own home! I suffer from Manic Depression (Bipolar) Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Insomnia among other things. Most of the time though, I would rather be on my own anyway! Think of it this way, at least you've got a good partner to stand by you and your children.

Ilovetonap, If you think so much of your boyfriend, then apologise to him and swallow your pride! I understand what your saying but is it worth all the misery and not knowing with your relationship?

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Hi Jamiecake2 and Ilovetonap,

Well, let me respond to each of you separately. Although I want to welcome both of you to our community and I know you will find lots of support here.

Jamie: It is worrisome that your father committed suicide. First, it must have been awful for you. It is hard enough to lose a parent but to lose one in that way is expecially hard. Then between your mother and sister, wow, you have had more than your share of awful things. Besides sadness, I can only guess at the anger you must have felt. I hope you are getting help with your depression. You must do everything you can to avoid a suicide yourself.

Jamie, are you receiving any counseling, anti depressant medication or both. You really should and, I would say, this is a must for you?

Do you have any help with the children?

Ilovetonap, EMDR is a type of therapy whereby a specially trainded specialist (psychologist, psychiatrist, clinical social worker) uses your eye movements to help you get in touch with past traumas. It is very effective in work with survivors of trauma but is also helpful with all types of anxiety and depression. Yes, it is worth trying and it is not fake.

Can you tell us more about that fight with your boyfriend?

Allan:)

I have been on many anti depressants: Lexapro, wellbutrin, celexa, effexor, and zoloft. Zoloft worked the best for me. But I can't take the side effects the weight gain the heavy sweating, the teeth gringing the laziness it makes me feel. I've gained so much weight wich does not help matters either. I do have an appointment april 7th with a psychologist but really don't want to go back on meds.

My kids go to daycare during the day but I'm now working a part time job so they can go. MY partner works a lot and even when he is home he's not good at helping me with the kids. So it's all me taking care of them.

Edited by jamiecake2
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hi Jamiecake2,

Has any of the Psy. Dr.'s ever ordered blood tests on you? to rule out possible medical causes for your depression? There are other things that could be causing your depression that could be going on physically. For example, a thyroid condion. It may explain why the antidepressants are not working for you.

Or is it mainly the side affects? weight gain ? mostly?

Edited by mscat
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hi Jamiecake2,

Has any of the Psy. Dr.'s ever ordered blood tests on you? to rule out possible medical causes for your depression? There are other things that could be causing your depression that could be going on physically. For example, a thyroid condion. It may explain why the antidepressants are not working for you.

Or is it mainly the side affects? weight gain ? mostly?

The anti depressants did work for me. Zoloft worked very well. It's just I would feel better after awhile and take myself off them. Some I changed because they did not work too well. I am just sick of the side effects and feeling like a zombie when I am on them.

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Guest ASchwartz

Jamiecake2,

Mscat asks a great question. Have any medical tests been done to rule out the possibility that something physical is causing your depression?

I have a question: Did you tell your psychiatrist about the side effects of the anti depressants? The worst side effect is sexual and there are things they can do to help.

Allan

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I've tried to think of myself as a survivor, but it made things so bad. My mother became a heroin addict my sister is homeless most of the time. And I'm stable but depressed. I feel I should have nothing to be depressed about because of my security. But there are so many unhappy thing going on right now.

Lisa11

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first off I wanted to welcome you both this is great community and has been very helpful to me. I'm 24 and I'm suffering from depression. I have been for the past two years or so. I'm on meds prozac and welbutrin. They work ok but that doesn't stop all the negative feelings. it's all about the way you think (ilovetonap) if you think negative things than you start believing them. I think like that too, but I've been trying to find ways not too. I was told to think of happy things say good things about yourself in your mind. My them is that I am beautiful I say that over and over in my head. It's not easy because the negative thoughts slip in from time to time. I have to really use alot of my brain power to concentrate. I will tell you it has helped me. You should take any meds or therapy your doc may perscripe to you. I got off my meds and ended up in a psych ward for three days. It was bad, but I needed to be there tp protect myself. I completly understand the boyfriend things I'm going through the same thing. My bf and I argue alot and he's stressed about my drepression but we make it through. don't feel guilty for your illness its not your fault. If you want to be with him make sure he's willing to support you no matter what. If he isn't than you may want to get away from him. He could do more harm than good. Good luck

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Hi you have to live for your kids and do the best you can it's hard out here but you have to keep going. Please don't give up you can try. I grew up with a horrible childhood also, but I have to live my life. Do you pray? think about your children. Think of when they were born how happy you were and think about their smiles that will get you through, but it a struggle everyday. It's good that you're going to see a therapist. I see mines once a week. Lifes harder for people who are ill, but keep trying. Good luck

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  • 2 weeks later...
I can relate, I am also 28, I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I feel so alone all the time, and I cannot see a way out. I am a believer in all things negative, there is nothing beautiful or good, about me or anything. My boyfriend and I had a big fight just tonight, that lead to my realization that I am a believer of all things negative. It seems like anytime anyone said anything negative or what could be construed as bad to me or about me, I immediately believe it. That includes things I say to myself. I hear it or say it, and it sinks into my brain and is made to be a fact. I suck, I am fat, I am ugly, I am stupid, I cannot do anything right. I am unsure of why I do this to myself, and I have no clue how to stop. I have been seeing a couple councilors at my school and I seem to take long breaks when I feel uncomfortable with doing something they ask of me. She (my councilor) mentioned that she wanted to try something on me that I have never done before, EMD, Eye Movement Desensitization, and I stopped going, that was a few weeks ago. I do not know much about this and was kind of hoping that if anyone else did they could tell me their experiences with it.

It was a big fight, I feel like its probably the last one. That makes me sad, and even though I do not want to be without him, I feel like he would be better off with out me. I would like to be able to be the woman that he deserves, I don't know if I can, or if he will give me the opportunity anyways. I know that I need to do it for me not him, I just don't want to do it without him. I don't know what to say or do to help him understand that I don't want to do this I just cannot help myself.

Do you tend to take out your stuff on your boyfriend or do you keep it locked up? How does he react to you when you are feeling down? Are there things that you have tried that seem to help with this feeling?

I am glad I am not the only one who thinks this way. I have major depression which has been very bad lately (cannot take anything right now as they make my blood pressure go up). I always have negative thoughts and put myself down, and when I get like this I tell my husband he'd be better off without me (not suicide, but that I feel like I am bringing him/us down). But we've been together for about 19 years now, I always wonder how he puts up with me when I get like this! I was ok when I was on my meds, but been off them since Sept 2008, and it's been rough lately. Last two weeks started to get anxiety about going to work that is making my blood pressure go up (on top of it being already high on it's own). Now i've been out of work so much i'm probably going to lose my job this week..... I think the negativity is part of depression, it has to be... and I hate being this way too. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about it, besides my husband and sister.

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I just wanted to introduce myself my name is Jamie and I will be 28 in April. I have two children 5 and 3.5, girl and boy. And I'm suffering from clinical depression have been for most of my life. In 1994 my father committed suicide. This was brought on by a very fast bought with major depression. The suicide of course changed my life forever and for the worst. I've tried to think of myself as a survivor, but it made things so bad. My mother became a heroin addict my sister is homeless most of the time. And I'm stable but depressed. I feel I should have nothing to be depressed about because of my security. But there are so many unhappy thing going on right now.

I feel worthless and guilt about not ever amounting to much. I've been with the same job for going on 8 years working with people who have developmental dissabilities (severe). I can't stand it anymore plus I work third shift and hate it. I make no money it's paycheck to paycheck and it's not streching anymore. My boyfriend who I've been with for 8 years is very hardworking produce manager who really does not make enough either. I wanted to go back to college but can't for three more years because my kids will then be in school. I'm working part time also.

I just feel lonely no one is around. I have made a choice to be here always for my children and to never do what my father did to me. I'm just scared and have anxiety that this feeling will get worse and I can't cope anymore. I have an appointment with a psychologist April 7th. I've been on every med bad side effects hate them horrible weight gain. Help!!!!!!! Need to talk to others.

I posted this already in the new member area but wanted to post here too.

Jamie,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. My family lives in another state, so I only have my husband to talk to or do stuff with, and he works a lot, so in a sense I get lonely too. Right now I only have one local friend, and he ditches me whenever he starts dating a new girlfriend (which is frequently as I have not hung out with him since Nov 2008). So I really don't have any friends here. A few years ago, I joined a social group to try to force myself to meet other people and hang out with them. It ended up a lot of them were shallow and judgemental, so I left that group. I'd rather be by myself then be aggrivated by other people and have unnecessary drama. But I would like to talk to other people who know what I am going through. So feel free to talk to me anytime :)

I have major depression and am not on meds since Sept because it was making my blood pressure go up. I feel very negative about everything, but trying to hold it together. We may lose our house soon if we can't afford to make payments on it. I just feel like i am going in a downward spiral...

How did your appointment go?

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People post what is wrong with them, you respond to them, and they don't even respond. Did they even read what I wrote? Am I wasting my time? Even the beginning of March when I answered people's posts to me, they didn't respond. Alone even on a depression blog, I give up....

Thank you for you kind response. I know how you feel about people not posting. This has happened to me on other sites. I just have not been on in a while. Things have not been the greatest with my mood and being down. I try to pull myself out and do a little. But I fall back even harder. My appointment went ok. I have a 30 dollar co-payand can't afford therapy. My psychologist wants to work out a co-pay of 10 each visit then I would owe 20 and this would accumulate. I can't do this so I will see her a few more times, then I think I'm gonna try meds again.:D Thank you for reaching out to me I too am very lonley and my thougyhts are starting to scare me.

If you ever want to talk privatley I can find a way to get you my E-mail address.

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