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Sometimes we just need to blow off steam...


IamLove
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I feel most at peace when I am helping others, but sometimes I need to just vent my own frustrations with life on this planet... For reasons not unlike the laws of attraction, or cause & effect... all things basic & simple, I have entangled myself with my life's enduring challenge... My ex-husband, whom I currently live with (ashamedly for financial need, whilest I am in school). He is my complete opposite... most of the time I appreciate the fact that his beligerence, prejudice, purposeful ignorance reminds me of who I am; but sometimes I would rather he would just lose gravity and float off the planet.. this is the worst I can muster because I seriously and completely believe that you get back what you put out... If I were to suddenly float away I'm certain I would be near someone who cared that would pull me back to terra. Last week he told the innocent (children 12 & 8) that there rooms looked like G.D. N****rs lived in there...I could not help but interject, assertively.... That " I would not hear anymore of that kind of language and that it was offensive" He says "who are you, you're nobody"....... Please Mr. Newton--- retract the theory of gravity just for him....... In moments like this I am consumed with anger... rage if you will... for the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, should be like a MOTHER scorned"... but silence will remind me that I must forgive him for his ignorance for he truly (cares not to know) what he does.... He will not lose one more second worrying over my feelings or my kids feelings.... or that he should feel remorse (does he even have a concious?) so why should I waste one more second being mad, that is just one more second he will win.... I will assert myself, then move on; I feel better just being able to share this injustice...... Thanks...... Feel free to take your turn hitting the pinata.

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Maybe you can suggest that he go on a diet, for his health.

Then there's that much less work before the floating can begin.

(I love your "floating" image.)

I think you did well not bashing him, and I think that if we did it for you, in the long run it might not really make you feel better.

The trick is to let the pinata hit itself. He can't enjoy being that way. Just do what you're doing: don't let him spread it around.

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You are so funny!!! I laughed out loud, seriously.... but thanks for your kind words. I was hoping I was being the "bigger" person.. but when you live in a hurricane, you can forget that the mess is a result of the environment and not part of your influence... I try to shield myself & the kids from this "storm" of negativity, but sometimes it gets exhausting to have to constantly wield the weapon of positivity... I am convinced that he is drawn to the positiveness because he wants it and he doesn't have it... but once he succeeds to drain the positive than negative is left and then he is repelled.... There is this tidal motion of attraction... I am trying to learn what I can do to influence his own positive growth... This is the million dollar lesson, is it? In the process I seem masachistic, but you feel pain on many occasions before there is gain, child birth, physical fitness, medical treatment, etc.... So no, your right, it would not make me feel better for others to bash him... it's just nice to be reminded that I am not just being oversensitive, emotional, (p.m.s.ing).

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I wanted to add that I own responsibility in getting myself in this situation. My mistake is believing in the best of people to a fault... I mentioned before that I am a hairstylist, I went to school in hopes to have a meaningful trade that I could fall back on if I needed to work. In my marriage I was discouraged from seeking my own independent success, I submitted to the role of mother and wife... but then I was treated like a burden that did not contribute financially to the household (at least monetary). This is contradictory I know... in the mean time he was free from domestic duties and able to further his career. I am now fighting against the current to claim my own independence and security, so that I will no longer have to accept the "abuse" that he uses to try and control me... If I ignore him, then he will take this out on the children.. so I must confront his anger (I believe is his frustration at my lack of dependence/subordination to his rule). He has said before that this is "his (he says his name) world". I do believe this... In our relationship I either had to "be" in his world (as he wanted me to be) or I would rebel and return to my own (sense of being). We never created an "our" world. I was,is,always will be willing to create & share; he never. So I bide my time till I can break free. I am not me when he is around... His negativity hurts me, so I put on my battle gear (masking the pain)... When he is gone, I can breathe and laugh and allow myself to play... I know this is toxic, but sadly I have no options... I am rather resourceful, but the only option is to continue on with my education and gain my degree of freedom. I hold onto the fact that I will be stronger because of it... my children as well. They are learning resillience.. they are aware of how it feels when he is/isn't around... I take the opportunity of teaching moments to teach them about tolerance, kindness, empathy... and above all how real love should be.

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oversensitive, emotional, (p.m.s.ing).

Oh, please. Those sound like things someone told you, and you need to forget them. Probably they're just echoes of what he tells himself (except possibly the p.m.s.ing.)

I like the way you described him, reaching out for positivity but ultimately unable to handle it. For one thing, I can see myself in that, a lot of times.

Positivity is good, a skill I need to work on, myself. But there is a balance to be struck between turning the other cheek and getting smacked silly.

In my own marriage, we both had this tendency to stay together, in the hopes that the other person would one day see reason. It doesn't happen; in fact, the process, the dance, that we would go through made it even less likely that reason would be found anywhere.

At some point, it becomes not-your-job. And the more you let go of that, the more free you are. And, if being that way is not what he wants, the less you join in the dance with him, the more likely he is to make changes for himself.

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Yes, very much X. I have still created this situation of not being quite financially able to support myself & my children; I am however working very hard at solving this matter.... I am currently finishing my 4th semester at a University, with intent on working toward a masters or better... so far I have been able to sustain my spot on the Dean's list... but it is getting very exhausting... I felt this way last spring... I think I just need to get some sunshine and recharge... I'm ready to be done with this semester... Thanks again for "listening".

If you buy powdered water, what do you add to it? :):confused:

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Yeah, that isn't an easy situation. All I can say is hang in there! You are well on your way and that is admirable.

Hey, I would like to get 'a degree of freedom'. Which university offers this specialization? :P

Interestingly, I am taking a path that is reverse to yours. I am trying to get a trade, after I went to university, a long time ago... And this to be able to support myself and be independent no matter what.

I wish you the best, and to your kids as well!

cheers!

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When is your semester over? Are you going to sign up for spring classes? Is there any way you can financially afford your own place with your two children after this semester is over? Won't this be a better and more heathier choice for you and your kids?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Iamlove,

Your situation is more common than you may realize today and that is due to the economy. It seems that there are countless numbers of couples who are divorced or are about to get divorced but remain together in the same house because they cannot sell their houses or cannot afford to live apart. And, this includes those who, like yourself, are trying to finish their education. All I can say, as others have told you, "just hang in there" and keep going. Once you are finished you will have a lot of opportunities open to you and you can move out with your children and have a good career.

Allan :P

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The hardest part is being so lonely yet not alone.... I have been offered a place to go, I am not afraid to work; I will do whatever is necessary for my children... but if I work and go to school they will not see me. I know it's only two more years but my son is 12, I am so afraid to "abandon him right now", I feel it is better for us to be going through hell together then for me to leave him alone in paradise..........

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Hi Iamlove,

You sound like a woman of strength and hope; even your name shows it. I admire your resolve and in taking action to get yourself and your children out of this bad situation, hopefully soon. I just wanted to commend you on protecting your children by defending them from your former husband's verbal and emotional abuse. And, by talking to them, they will understand that it is not their fault for their father's frustrations. I wish you all the best and pray that you and your children can get out of this bad environment as soon as possible. Take care.

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K- Thank you so much, this really is the purpose in sharing... I know what the problems are, I know what needs to be done... only time stand in between. Sometimes the road gets long and the load gets heavy and it's just nice to be encouraged by others that understand what it is to struggle. Family & friends are helpful but are too quick to offer advice instead of encouragement or understanding. They just want me to "get out" of the situation, which is what I am doing, and there "advice" does not help me endure what I must any better.... Love to you....

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Except not an x, and it's not "accepting" the abuse, it's about taking some control back that causes them to abuse to regain the control lost.

I wanted to add that I own responsibility in getting myself in this situation. My mistake is believing in the best of people to a fault... I mentioned before that I am a hairstylist, I went to school in hopes to have a meaningful trade that I could fall back on if I needed to work. In my marriage I was discouraged from seeking my own independent success, I submitted to the role of mother and wife... but then I was treated like a burden that did not contribute financially to the household (at least monetary). This is contradictory I know... in the mean time he was free from domestic duties and able to further his career. I am now fighting against the current to claim my own independence and security, so that I will no longer have to accept the "abuse" that he uses to try and control me... If I ignore him, then he will take this out on the children.. so I must confront his anger (I believe is his frustration at my lack of dependence/subordination to his rule). He has said before that this is "his (he says his name) world". I do believe this... In our relationship I either had to "be" in his world (as he wanted me to be) or I would rebel and return to my own (sense of being). We never created an "our" world. I was,is,always will be willing to create & share; he never. So I bide my time till I can break free. I am not me when he is around... His negativity hurts me, so I put on my battle gear (masking the pain)... When he is gone, I can breathe and laugh and allow myself to play... I know this is toxic, but sadly I have no options... I am rather resourceful, but the only option is to continue on with my education and gain my degree of freedom. I hold onto the fact that I will be stronger because of it... my children as well. They are learning resillience.. they are aware of how it feels when he is/isn't around... I take the opportunity of teaching moments to teach them about tolerance, kindness, empathy... and above all how real love should be.
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I too did this. I am still with myhusband. The kids are grown now. They will not come around when he is here. They - exspecially my boys- asked me why I had allowed this to happen.

Only telling you that because although I know you mean well by taking the abuse and keeping it on you and not the kids they still see it and are Affected...

JT

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