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Day after day....


nancyannee
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In my heart of hearts, I know I should be on meds. under a doctors care. yet I persist in isolating myself from everything and everyone. I ask myself...Is this all there is to LIFE??

When I am on meds, I am devoid of emotion. a blank slate. no thoughts in my head, no imagination, no desire, no nothing. When I am off meds, my mind races, my imagination soars, yet there is still no desire. No zest for life. Is this all there is? What is the purpose of this existence? There must be one.

I believe in a higher power. I believe we are created for a purpose. Why is it that mine eludes me? People that know me tell me...You are so smart. You could do anything....yeah right...being smart means diddly, when you can't focus long enough to follow through with anything....

I am so weary of "knowing" all that I do and not being able to harness any of my ideas....

nancy:cool:

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Adopted too.. although I did get to meet my " birth" family. I know who I could have been if those people had been allowed to raise me. I still turned out ot be a drunk.. but at least I have a concious.

I quit my meds about a month ago. Lithium ( by the way it worked wonders) BUT you cannot drink on it and I am unable to give up the drink. I wonder day to day why I am still here. Yes.... was raised with "higher Power" but I choose to not talk to Him/ her anymore. I am on my own.

do not know how to explain this... not dumb by any means.. at one time in my life I did alot of things. Now I do nothing. Sleep as much as I can.

My sugestion? get back into therapy and get back on meds. try meds until you find one that works. I have been on some that make you feel " BLAH' ( no feelings..) But they are coming out with new stuff every day....

Good luck,

JT

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thank you JT. I too don't talk to HIM/HER anymore. it is too painful. You know as well as I do that being adopted is something only we can relate to. hard sometimes huh? I don't pretend to think it might be better, I know thatknowing would be better....anything is better than wondering all the darn time where I came from..

I stopped making friends and meeting people when all I would do is wonder, hmmmm wonder if I could be related to them.... the absolute worst is when someone says to me... You look JUST like someone from so and so...do you know them??

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Oh MY!!! I can relate... I live 1800 miles away from my birth family now and I still wonder when I see some one that looks like my brother ???/ Are we related???

I am the youngest of 38 kids that I know of... Mom gave birth to 14 ... Daddy the rest. So you can imagine. I grew up playing with this girl that later I found out was my 1/2 sister....

Jeff Gordon... looks just like my brother Marvin.... except Marv has grey hair!!!

Mom gave birth to V... she was the 5th child... all were put in foster care and most adopted. V "found" mom a few years back... she still feels neglected. Mom didn't have a clue who her dad was. .... I am the only one in this HUGE family that talks to her. I guess I am the favorite.. because Mom has never "fussed" at me but she would call V and fuss at her all the time... make her feel like she should take care of MOm.....

Mom is dead now... but although she gave birth to all those kids.. I doubt she ever changed a diaper.. I loved her but she was a selfish self centered woman.

My adopted parents are both dead now too....

Sorry there I go talking about me again.....

JT

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Wow Gabs, that's a lot of children your father, fathered! Your mother must of been run of her feet too!

I thought it was hard bringing two up on my own? I can just imagine, I bet it was like saying goodnight to the Walton's of a night time wasn't it?

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Paula.... U missed the point. My BIRTH mother and Father raised NONE of the 38. They partied had sex.. guess did not believe in Birth control ( or maybe at that time it wasn't available??? )

My REAL Dad is still alive but all the rest are dead. Daddy JUST NOW is wanting to talk to us kids.. how many years did I call him and write him and he would not answer.. now he is reaching out... and YES I am reaching back.. always Daddy's little girl...

But I do not want to take Nancys thread over sorry.... maybe I will start a topic on adoption ... and adopted adults and the feelings related to that....

JT ( Gabs)

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Gabs, I don't think for a minute you are "taking over" this thread.:) I know some are touchy about a shift in attention, when someone is inclined to share their feelings relating to another's post, I don't mind at all. In fact, I welcome your insight and history to share. I am glad you shared your story. Wow, that many siblings! That I can't imagine.:eek:

Paula, you are welcome here too. Please don't apologize for speaking out. Your optimistic view is appreciated as well.:)

Nancy

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another day. another day of knowing I am losing my mind more and more. My tenuous hold on reality is slipping and I dread the day I lose control completely. for it is bound to happen. I hold out the thought I will prevail and seek help before that time.

my perceptions seem so surreal. the lines between reality and fantasy blur more and more. It is unfortunate that I find solace in the fantasy(insanity)....

yesterday I had a major swing. the crash is always the hardest. *sigh*

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Hi Ladies! My am I the touchy one!! Sorry got a little drunk there at the end but I am acting alot better now adays... I have somewhere to go for a bout an hour but yes I would like to discuss this in further detail. I think it will do me good and may help others also to know that others feel the same.

JT ( aka Gabs -- btw I quit Gabs so that the search engines couldn't find me)

Hugs! Gabby

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Hi Nancyannee, are you okay? I read your whole dialog with Gabs and Paula. Then I saw your post from Saturday (apr. 4) about your mood swing and crash. I am concerned. I am fighting a crash at this point too and it can be awfully dangerous. If it doesn't let up soon, I'm planning to call my Pdoc. If it gets worse, I'm considering going to the ER, which scares me since I've never done that. But feeling the way I do, knowing what I may not be able to stop myself from doing scares me more for my hubby & kids (all grown) sake.

I suppose you are in a similar place mood-wise. Please drop a line so we know you are okay. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Journey

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thanks journey....that last attack was a whopper. I spend my days in a tailspin and sometimes things just get so overwhelming. I have no current doctor, so I think daily about just walking into the local ER. I have done it one time before and it did help for a while.

Everyday is the same. I feel like I am being watched. recorded. monitored. every car that goes by my heart rate jumps. everytime the phone rings my insides go cold. after so long of this...years and years, I started not to care, but lately I am scared all the time. :)

JT---I am glad you are feeling better. anything you want to discuss is A-okay with me.:)

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Awww gabs, I NEVER meant to make you cry:eek:...I am so sorry. unless it was a good cry, then I am glad. I hope this post finds you feeling better and NOT feeling blue:)

gabs, whenever you feel like you could share I will love to hear it. If you feel like never sharing, that is OKAY too. whatever makes you feel comfortable

Edited by nancyannee
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It was really a good cry. Sorta cleansing if you know what I mean???? Monday was a hard day but things are smoothing out.

I read some of your posts on the other threads and again I can relate..... Like you said " You always felt that if your adopted family thought you were not happy etc.. they would send you back" ( Or something like that) I can soooo realate to sooo much you say.

I actually went to court and told my Birth Daddy that I NEVER wanted to see him again. I was `10... I wanted to see him but he had made Mom and Dad mad and they didn't want me to see him. I actually wanted to go live with him but I thought he didn't want me either. And If I told THEM that they wouldn't love me any more.... Probiably not true, but that is what my 10 yr old mind thought. Dad and I talk some now.

I think that adoption, foster care, being raised by realatives, etc.... In any form FEELING abandoned by your BIRTH family.. has a great effect on your mental health and how you relate with people. There should somewhere be a website on that or a paper or something. I haven't researched yet but that may be an idea. I do believe my child hood was the greatest factor in my mental illness. Although Bipolar does run in the family...

Any thoughts on that ANYONE?

JT

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In any form FEELING abandoned by your BIRTH family.. has a great effect on your mental health and how you relate with people.

JT- I so agree. I want to respond more, but my 21 and 15 year old daughters are verbally attacking each other. *sigh* i am afraid it is all they know.. what I taught them. sad really.

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Hi Nancyannie, journeyupward & JustTrying,

I too am at a Crisis time in my life at the moment, and it is hard! But thank God for sites like this hey!

I wish you all the best and hope you all pull through soon, without having to go through to much pain!

My thoughts are with you all!

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Hi all! Just really wanted to let you all know that you are in my thoughts. I like this thread and whenI am in the right frame of mind I will elaborate on the subjuect more.

Going up and down right now. Sleeping alot and then like tonight not tired at all. Actually mowed the grass, cleaned the carport some and cleaned the house. Also cleaned my bedroom back up and moved back into it. ( that is another story.... hubby problems again) Looks like it will be ANOTHER holiday spent alone.

I CAN go places. But if I do and he comes home and I am not here... well.....

I COULD drive up there tomorrow... but he hasn't contacted me since Thursday and I I just don't know if I want to.I am getting sooooo tired of this.

But anyway.... I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow....

Hugs, JT

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