nancyannee Posted April 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 JT, journey, paula there is much I would like to say. can't put my thoughts together today. I really enjoy reading your posts here. thank you for all your thoughts.Happy Easter:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 12, 2009 Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 Take your time, we will be ready and waiting when you will/do decide to write! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 I am so ready to write. Every time I start. something always seems to hinder me. now the house is running with my 15 year old and her boyfriend...(they require constant monitoring.)my 21 yr old daughter with my 3 year old granddaughter. My 78 yr old Mother, and my 44 yr. old husband...*sigh* The only chance I have to think is really late or really early. The bad thing is I get moments of clarity, when I feel like I could express myself; while everything is going on around me. then like now I loose it. nancy:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 13, 2009 Report Share Posted April 13, 2009 Hi nancyanneeI am so ready to write. Every time I start. something always seems to hinder me. now the house is running with my 15 year old and her boyfriend...(they require constant monitoring.)my 21 yr old daughter with my 3 year old granddaughter. My 78 yr old Mother, and my 44 yr. old husband...*sigh*The only chance I have to think is really late or really early. The bad thing is I get moments of clarity, when I feel like I could express myself; while everything is going on around me. then like now I loose it.You just take your time!When you get the urge to want to express your feelings, shut yourself off from the rest of what is going on around you (if you can, I know it's easier said than done) & get on your PC and write down what is troubling you! It is better out than in!Also, where a bouts is your PC situated in your home? Have you not got a spare room or something that you could place your PC so that when you get times that are troubling you and you want to just have a bit of me time, you can head to this room and relax on your PC for a while?Nancyannee I am sending you a link to click on. Have a look at this, but when you do, make sure you are relaxing! This is the kind of thing that helps me. You might have to copy and paste in your browser?http://www.findingjoymovie.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeyupward Posted April 15, 2009 Report Share Posted April 15, 2009 Hi Nancyanne,It's okay that you have days you can't put your thoughts together. Just making contact like you have let's us know you are safe and let's you know we care. Just a thought--I got a bargain on a laptop that was on sale. I have a router set up so I can pick up the internet in any room in the house. So now, the only person who uses our desktop computer is my husband. Hugs, Inkspring Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2009 Inkspring, (love the name...) I would love to have my own laptop. Unfortunately, we are like many other folks, living week to week, month to month...barely able to keep the lights on....maybe one day...*sigh*also our computer is in the main living room. it is like everyone seems to know when i want to write something...always one of them starts yelling, crying, wanting something, needing something...etc...the whole house will be quiet, I get on here and then...world war III.... I will keep trying. nancy:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted April 16, 2009 Report Share Posted April 16, 2009 hi nancee, just a suggestion, maybe when you get your thoughts together and are ready to write you can get a notebook and lock yourself in your bedroom, than when you want you can just copy over to the computer, that way you won't lose your thoughts. Just a suggestion, hope all is well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 16, 2009 Report Share Posted April 16, 2009 Hi nancyannee & smallstarFirst of all, did you have a look at the link that I asked you to?I agree with smallstar. If you cannot access the PC in private, write your thoughts down on paper and then transfer it on to the PC when you are writing in the forums!I know where your coming from when you mention trying to make ends meet. I am in the same boat. I have a Mortgage, as well as all the bills that come with owning your own house, a car with Insurance, tax, MOT, service, petrol & any repairs that need doing to the car as well as wear & tear that occurs, tyres, exause, gear box etc. I know that owning a car is a privilege but... when you attend as many appointments as I do (all out of town & 2/3 busses to travel too) it is cheaper to travel by car, than travel on public transport!I am on benefit (ICB) Incapacity Benefit, which only pays £60.00 a week and am having to count my pennies myself. I have a Son who lives with me but goes to College. With him being 21yrs old, he cannot claim anything from the Government as he is past the age that the Government pays out to school leavers to stay in further education. So I have to keep him as well.Hang on in there nancyannee. The grass is always greener on the other side! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 hey paula, no I haven't looked at the link yet...I have had a crisis with my Mother...79,poor health. admitted finally this morning the hospital. I just came home for dinner, shower, and a bit of peace before heading back...when I have more time I will look at it...thanks:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 17, 2009 Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 Hi nancyanneehey paula, no I haven't looked at the link yet...I have had a crisis with my Mother...79,poor health. admitted finally this morning the hospital. I just came home for dinner, shower, and a bit of peace before heading back...when I have more time I will look at it...thanksI think you could do with a bit of me time! Probably a bit impossible at the moment, sorry! Try and slow down a bit! You have to look after your own health as well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 The last 24 hours have been spent at the hospital....My Mother has had emergency surgery. ruptured bowel, abscess, riddled with cancer. Every hour she survives is a miracle. It is difficult to maintain my facade of normalcy while dealing with all the doctors. Although I have four older brothers....I was alone before, during, and after the surgery. Her care takes all my time. I will do what I can for her as long as she needs me. When she moves on, to a better place I believe, I will look after my own care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 18, 2009 Report Share Posted April 18, 2009 Hi nancyanneeI'm sorry to hear about your mother. You must be rushed off your feet! We are here for you!My thoughts are with you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 18, 2009 it feels like everything is in slow motion. you are only allowed to visit 4x a day for a few minutes.... she is finally breathing on her on and doing better than expected. I am trying to think positive thoughts...kinda hard to do with all the intrusive thoughts in my head already. every minute she survives is a blessing. I just don't want her to suffer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 18, 2009 Report Share Posted April 18, 2009 Hang on in there nancyannee, we know your doing your best! I for one, wish I could help you, even If it just to be a comfort to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2009 thank you paula. I feel more support here than I do from my own family. the hours at the hospital are lonely and sad knowing I have four brothers who don't bother coming to see their own Mama....I will continue to pray and have hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted April 20, 2009 Report Share Posted April 20, 2009 Hi nancyannee, hope is a wonderful thing, sometimes it's all we have, so hang on to it! I am so sorry to hear about your mother, my heart goes out to you. I know how difficult it can be to watch your mother when she's that sick. I went through alot with my mom being sick, I couldn't imagine going through it without the support of my family. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 20, 2009 Report Share Posted April 20, 2009 I'll be thinking about you in these sad times! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 My feelings of inadequacy and indecision are overwhelming me. Logically I was prepared for Mama to move on. Mentally I am a mess. For the first time in seven years all of her children were in the same room. I find it hard to reconcile that with the fact it was in ICU. All she ever wanted was for her family to be close. Unfortunately, she was unable to express herself emotionally, ever, leaving her children with the same dilemma. We are having a memorial. she wanted to be cremated, and we are going to honor that. I have a very hard time going to public places. (understatement of the year) One of my brothers is asking me to attend the gathering at our oldest brothers house after the service. I haven't been to this house in over 10 years. I have so much baggage from the lack of relationship with my two older brothers. All my life, I longed for a connection. Admittedly, kept at arms length by me over the years. Nonetheless, I always wanted more effort on their part to "prove" they loved me. ( a throw back to being adopted, I guess) To make a long story short...They want me to (now) do what Mama wanted and all gather together. Put the past behind and gather to reminisce about Mama's life. They didn't make the effort for her when it mattered. They rarely called. Almost NEVER visited. She wanted her family together while she was alive. They didn't bother then why should I bother now???I am really hoping I don't just SNAP~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Ooooooooooh nancyannee, I'm really sorry that your mother passed away! Please accept my condolences!We are having a memorial. she wanted to be cremated, and we are going to honor that. I have a very hard time going to public places. (understatement of the year) One of my brothers is asking me to attend the gathering at our oldest brothers house after the service. I haven't been to this house in over 10 years. This is going to be extremely hard for you! Do what you have too? No matter what you decide to do, just know that we are all here for you!I have so much baggage from the lack of relationship with my two older brothers. All my life, I longed for a connection. Admittedly, kept at arms length by me over the years. Nonetheless, I always wanted more effort on their part to "prove" they loved me. ( a throw back to being adopted, I guess) nancyannee, I realise that this is neither the time or the place to sort your differences, but... This also, could be the breaking point that you all need! You have to do what your heart tells you? Remember, this is your mothers wish, but no matter what you decide to do, it was you who was there for her in her last years, it was you who was there to nurse her! Nobody can take that away from you! You've got the memories!To make a long story short...They want me to (now) do what Mama wanted and all gather together. Put the past behind and gather to reminisce about Mama's life. They didn't make the effort for her when it mattered. They rarely called. Almost NEVER visited. She wanted her family together while she was alive. They didn't bother then why should I bother now???I am really hoping I don't just SNAPDon't let it be your problem nancyannee? "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today... You can't change the past, so don't ruin the present by worrying about the future!"You have to hang on in there! My thoughts are with you at this sad time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 your words really do mean alot. I know she knows I did the best by her that I could. I will do what I can and not worry about the rest. I am so ready to put the past behind and move on. It is what Mama would have wanted and understood, no matter what actions I take now. She would just want me to be strong for my girls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Hi nancyannee, I am so sorry I know there isn't anything I can say right now to help you feel better but just know I'm thinking about you and your family. I know you want to be strong for your kids but make sure you allow yourself time to grieve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paula Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Hi nancyanneeI totally agree with smallstar, you do have to give yourself time to grieve! You don't want to end up following your mum do you?You have to do what's best for you now! You did the best for your mum when she was alive and both you and her know that! As soon as your mum has been Cremated, then it will be time to do what you want, what's best for you, you and the girls!My heart goes out to you at this dreadful time, but your mum is at peace now! Nothing can hurt her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Nancy,I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I don't have many useful words. I do suggest at least trying to talk to your brothers, if you can. It could be a chance to heal. I don't mean that everything will go the way you dream it could; it probably won't. But this way you'll know you tried, and certainly nothing will happen if no one tries.In my case, my mother's passing was the start of a family reconciliation that I'm sure she would have loved. I'm glad I got to see her before she went, and I'm glad that I haven't let my dad or brothers drift away again afterwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 So much I want to say. My mind is chaotic. I thought reading some posts would help settle my mind....as soon as I calmed my thoughts...both my daughters came in...*sigh* poof. gone...thoughts raced right on around. maybe later in the night...smallstar, malign and paula, thank you for your kind words...if I repeat over and over that I can handle this...just maybe I will manage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancyannee Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 My Mothers sister. Her older sister, she is 86 and has dementia. She kept calling my Mama, HER mama. she is convinced that the person who died is her Mother. I just got her call, wanting to speak to my Mama....I explained that JoAnne is gone. We had her funeral yesterday. She hung up on me. I have been my Aunts go to person. When I wasn't doing for my Mama, I was doing for my Aunt. They were very close, and her mind will not allow her to believe her sister is gone. I will be the one to have to relive her death everyday trying to explain to my Aunt why my Mama can't come to the phone to talk. Or why Mama is not coming over to visit.I have never felt so bleak and flat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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