Not sure what my problem is, any help appreciated

[malign]

"Done"? How old did you say you were, 26? :-)

I know it's hard, and there is a lot to balance in life. But believe me, there are going to be a lot of changes before you're "done". I think the trick is to build a "you" that can adapt, rather than trying to make your surroundings perfect and keep them there.

[smallstar]

"Done"? How old did you say you were, 26? :-)

I know it's hard, and there is a lot to balance in life. But believe me, there are going to be a lot of changes before you're "done". I think the trick is to build a "you" that can adapt, rather than trying to make your surroundings perfect and keep them there.

Hi Malign, I know, you are right, and I will figure this out one day, lol. You may not think 26 is old but I am just worried than because I'm already 26 and I don't even have the start of life that I'm running out of time :eek:

I don't think I try to make my surroundings perfect, you know what I think the real problem is, it's that I'm just scared. I am always so tense cause I just feel like the people I am surrounded by are very very delicate if you will. I have 4 siblings who don't do what I do as far as trying to maintain the peace, they think I'm nuts and I can't stand the looks they give me, I don't know how that they can't understand. I don't know why I think that getting married is gonna help this, maybe cause it'll get me out of my parents house, than maybe I could relax. But the HUGE problem with that is I feel very guilty whenever I leave my house for anything other than work. I don't know what my problem is but I will leave the house than actually get in my car and cry cause I feel so bad leaving but sometimes I have to. I can't always tell everyone no, I don't have a good reason. People can't understand, not that I would tell them, that I just can't leave unless everyone else is out. So as much as I want to get married and move out I don't even know how I could deal with it. ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[smallstar]

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, the more I write the more confused I get, I just have a feeling that something really bad is gonna happen soon

[finding my way]

smallstar and clown,

You guys DO need a break!! You are wearing yourselves out! Can you picture the two of you sitting cross-legged, meditating? Can you put down the spinning plates for just a minute?

Perhaps the feeling of dread you are having is that you are reaching the end of what you can handle, and that frightens you. I want to assure you though, that reaching the end of what you can handle might be OK. Please, listen. You are driven into this anxiety because of your thoughts and the beliefs behind them. Life wants to show you that there is more to live for than you yet know. Can you rest a little, get curious a little, be willing to learn a little? I know this is so hard. I know because I went through something similiar myself.

[smallstar]

smallstar and clown,

You guys DO need a break!! You are wearing yourselves out! Can you picture the two of you sitting cross-legged, meditating? Can you put down the spinning plates for just a minute?

Perhaps the feeling of dread you are having is that you are reaching the end of what you can handle, and that frightens you. I want to assure you though, that reaching the end of what you can handle might be OK. Please, listen. You are driven into this anxiety because of your thoughts and the beliefs behind them. Life wants to show you that there is more to live for than you yet know. Can you rest a little, get curious a little, be willing to learn a little? I know this is so hard. I know because I went through something similiar myself.

Hi finding my way, and thanks! I knwo what you're saying, it's just been so many years that it's hard to undo the way I think, it's such a part of who I am that I'm having a hard time changing. I am going to try to relax, I just need to get away for awhile, don't know how yet but I will

[finding my way]

Take it step be step. Piece by piece. Moment by moment. Breath by breath, if you can. I know so well that it isn't easy. It's only in the quiet stillness that you can hear your wisdom self whispering a new way for you. Of course, a therapist can help an awful lot too:p

[smallstar]

Well the second date went well. Great. Doesn't matter anyway cause after tonight I realize once again that my life sucks and no guy is going to change that and I'm not allowed to be happy this is my life and I should just accept it cause nothing is going to change. you have a couple of good days and you think things are okay, but they're not and they won't be. I WISH HE WOULD DROP DEAD

[smallstar]

i don't know why i thought it would work and i could have a normal life i never should have let that hope enter my mind i should know better. i mean 26 years later i should know better. i can't have a normal life i'm not allowed to live my life i can't make decisions, i need to be right here, at an arms length in case i'm needed. i can't just be left alone. which is all i want, to be left alone, is that so much to ask for

[tourdelove]

i don't know why i thought it would work and i could have a normal life i never should have let that hope enter my mind i should know better. i mean 26 years later i should know better. i can't have a normal life i'm not allowed to live my life i can't make decisions, i need to be right here, at an arms length in case i'm needed. i can't just be left alone. which is all i want, to be left alone, is that so much to ask for

Oh Star

What is going on? What happen in your life that changed your mind? What I can understand is that you are sad, but why? Tell me. Please?

And, know that, you can have a normal life, you deserve to be happy, you are allowed to live your life, you can make decisions! Don't give up, k?

Love

s

[smallstar]

My life happened, it is my life, I just had a bad night, but it just reminded me why I am the way I am and that even if I try to better myself there are so many circumstances I can't change. I don't know, I'm not giving up, it was just a bad night, today is already better! I think I am trying too hard and just need to try and relax, I always overthink everything, and take everything so personally, what's weird is I just can't figure out why I'm always so scared all the time when my brothers and sisters just dance thorugh life. I don't get it, but I am working on it. What I need before I can progress at all in life is to get rid of this constant fear. I can't get out exactly what I am trying to say, what I mean by being scared all the time, it's like constantly living on the edge just waiting for something to snap, I can always feel it, I'll be really happy and good than all of a sudden I remember.

[smallstar]

By the way, thank you tourdelove, and I just wanted to add as far as living my own life and making decisions I can't, not now,I don't know how to change that, but it's like my mind is always spinning trying to keep up with everything. Thats why I know that eventually I'm gonna slip up and I will lose this guy that I'm dating. I think God is trying to tell me that I can't have my life, not yet. Do you understand?

Edited July 29, 2009 by smallstar

[smallstar]

You know what's really weird is I don't even know if I like this guy yet I sit here and worry and think and obsess as to whether or not he likes me, whether it will work out, or I will mess it up, why he hasn't messaged me, what if he changed his mind. But I'm sitting here thinking about it now and I don't even know if I like him. I am almost now afraid of what I am doing, what if I don't like him? I mean I guess maybe you can't tell such a thing after only two dates? I kind of thought that if it was right you knew. But I don't really like or dislike him, I'm so incredibly neutral on this that I can't believe this is the first time I've thought about this. The problem is, what if I don't like him? That would just be awful. I guess you can learn to love anyone though? The thing is if he likes me and continues to date me, chances are if he doesn't ditch me I will stay with him, marry him, whatever. I think I need to learn that he isn't the only guy out there. Well I guess I actually already know that, I guess my real worry is just time. I've been worrying so badly about screwing this up that I never even considered my feelings towards him. Maybe it's too early to tell. I really hope I do like him, because he is really nice to me. Maybe I am just worried because I would feel ashamed and embarassed if it didn't work out, that is why I didn't want to tell my family about him, because if he decides he doesn't like me I would be so embarassed to tell them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I just don't understand why I'm so worried about this when I don't really have anything invested in it, my heart isn't there in one sense. In the other my heart is there, as I am just assuming that this is who I'm meant to marry and have children with. I don't know, I just really hope I like him and hope even more that he likes me. :confused:

[tourdelove]

You know what's really weird is I don't even know if I like this guy yet I sit here and worry and think and obsess as to whether or not he likes me, whether it will work out, or I will mess it up, why he hasn't messaged me, what if he changed his mind. [...]The problem is, what if I don't like him? That would just be awful. I guess you can learn to love anyone though? The thing is if he likes me and continues to date me, chances are if he doesn't ditch me I will stay with him, marry him, whatever. I think I need to learn that he isn't the only guy out there.

:confused:

Well, after a few dates, you can definitely tell if you DON'T like a guy, I can tell you that much! Even after one date, right? Too, not know is ok! And to change your mind is certainly more than ok! Heck, to mess it up is ok! MOst of the time though, you think you messed it up, [like I do ] but in your hearts of heart, you don't really. Rarely.

All to say, I think it's a sign of health to take manageable risks, like dating. I would suggest one thing though, so that you can stay on track as to what you want from a relationship, is to make a list. Of what kind of qualities you want him to have... I did one and it helps me focus on me right now [check my 'bloggr' for it]. What is important is what you want. If he ditches you or whatever, it's his loss! Seriously! I know, I know, I am in the same boat as you, but, even though I am all caught up in my loss of C_, I still can see that we weren't really compatible. Even if he had a lot of qualities I was looking for, he didn't have essential ones, like being into me! Ah! Like being affectionate! He promised a whole lot of things, but they didn't materialize so the hell with it. I may blame myself for not being 'adequate' enough or whatever, but in my hearts of hearts, I know that it's not really the problem.

I say, do the list, keep seeing him, and keep on assessing if that's you really want. But one thing is sure, there is other good guys out there and you deserve a good guy. That he likes you isn't enough if he doesn't meet your needs, or is totally incompatible [which mostly means, he doesn't meet your needs ]. And if it doesn't end up working, whether it's him that leaves, or you, isn't not embarrassing, it's human. And if you are not ready, well you can always call it off. And date again later, knowing that you've actually done it before, and actually met a good guy, so you can do it again! And your list will also help you know yourself as well: What do you expect from yourself, what you need to work on as far as your goals and stuff. And you will grow through these experiences and gain insight.

s

[smallstar]

...........

Edited April 18, 2009 by smallstar
:(

[smallstar]

i know the above post probably sounds stupid but i just have a really bad feeling after our conversation. i don't know what's on his mind but he has me upset. you know how sometimes you just get a feeling? I don't know but i don't want to know either, if he doesn't like me he should really stop messaging me, im not looking for a friend, i might be reading into things that arent there but i am just so freaking mad, he always has to talk in riddles. i dont want to deal with this i hope hes not messing with me

[tourdelove]

i know the above post probably sounds stupid but i just have a really bad feeling after our conversation. i don't know what's on his mind but he has me upset. you know how sometimes you just get a feeling? I don't know but i don't want to know either, if he doesn't like me he should really stop messaging me, im not looking for a friend, i might be reading into things that arent there but i am just so freaking mad, he always has to talk in riddles. i dont want to deal with this i hope hes not messing with me

Well, ya, talking in riddles is really annoying! Did you tell him, like: "I don't understand what you're saying? Can you explain? I am not understanding where you're going with the 'you should adopt thing?' I find it a bit offending."

Maybe let the dust settle a bit so that you're not totally still angry with him when you ask him that, so that you can better judge if this was miscommunication... Sometimes we say dumb stuff, right? I know I do... Sometimes I thought I was 'funny' but really wasn't. At ALL! But say I didn't even notice it, and this person I offended by mistake doesn't tell me, I can't really rectify the situation... But if they do confront me, I will sure apologize and try and tell them what my intention was in the first place. I find that it is rare that people intentionally want to offend and upset another. Either they just weren't mindful enough that time to get their foot out of their mouth, or they are too caught up in their own stuff, and this comment isn't even directed at you in reality.

I mean, you don't have to go through with this. If your gut feeling is telling you that it's not worth it, don't, and that's totally fine! but on the other hand, you could try some assertive experiment, techniques on him, just for the heck of it, and see what happens, after you've asked for an explanation. There's not too much too lose I think by doing so, but much to gain: the fact that you stood up for yourself in a reasonable way! If what he comes up with isn't satisfying, than you'll have your answer. Just saying, because, if he texted you this, sometimes texts are weird and you can really read a lot that isn't there in them, I find...

Hope this helps a bit.

S

[smallstar]

Yeah I always say stupid stuff I regret. But I don't think any of it even matters now. I'm so scared right now I'm having trouble just writing this. He's not talking to me and I hate myself for allowing him to hurt me like this when I don't even care. I don't even know if I liked him, but I think its over and I'm just sad, I ruined it and I don't even know what I did.

[humble1]

Smallstar, Hello.

I have this feeling when I read your posts (I just finished reading them.) There is a sort of "tip of the iceberg" feeling that I get about you, or the reason why you are here. It is hard to explain.

I can see that it is important for you to find a future husband, or at least it is very important to you as an auxiliary to some other goal. I think you observed as much in your post, that perhaps the marriage/husband/children scenario could be an extension or ideation of something else, maybe...

Or maybe you really do just want a husband and family. Which is a wonderful desire.

You have this feeling that you are running out of time; I suppose we all are, but it is not as dire as you might think, I suspect. A lot can happen in a year, a month, a week. The essential thing is, it is impossible to predict most everything that could happen tomorrow, or any day after it, for that matter. Goals and plans are great ways to sort of influence the future insofar as they can, but they can not predict it.

I am not saying anything you don't know already. You are obviously intelligent, introspective, sensitive.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that the only thing you really can control is you. Everything else just sort of falls into place around that. Your future husband will thank you for not settling for someone else. He's out there.

I am not sure why I am taking the tack that I am with this response. I think it is that I get this overall impression that knowing what is going to happen is very important to you.

I'll leave off here, but thanks for your candid and thoughtful posts, Smallstar. They rock. I'll write more later. My eyes hurt.

B

Edited April 20, 2009 by humble1

[butterfly29]

Awe Small Star.... Sweetie, you don't need drugs to make a date go well. If the guy doesn't like you the way you are then he isn't the right one for you.

I know it is scary. I was like you for many years. I was so shy. I barely talked to a soul. I couldn't get up in speak in front of the class if my life depended on it. I was scared of my own shadow. I had issues. I had no idea why I was like that so I would get high and go out on dates. Wrong thing to do. Talk about backfires. Later in life I realized I needed to find out what had happened in my life that caused me to be the way I was. Once I found out I was able to work on it and now I am very outgoing. I can talk to anyone anywhere. Oh, still not in front of people though.

Have you thought about trying to find out what causes you to feel this way? I get workbooks to work on a lot and they help so much. I learn so much about myself. There are some out there that may help you feel more confident about yourself. Maybe think about it?

When you find the right man, you will know it. He will be the one who likes you for who you are.

hugs....Butterfly

[smallstar]

Thanks humble1! You are mostly right, it seems like this is all I ever think about and I guess what one of the main problems is is that I do feel like I don't have many chances left. I do suppose however that I can expect one of the first two people I've ever dated to be "the one", I just want him to be, illogical I know, nonetheless I can't shake this feeling. I have a feeling that guy #2 is talking to some other girl now, which is fine, because I don't really have a choice, but I just wish he would tell me what is up cause at this rate I will drive myself crazy worrying and trying to figure how I managed to screw it up when I was so careful not to.

Butterfly, thanks for reading through my ridiculous posts, they're all over the place and I appreciate you taking the time to read through. I know I shouldn't take any drugs before/during a date but I just have a lot of trouble with myself and I don't know if I would make it to the date otherwise . Do selfhelp books really work? I would love to be able to work through this and become a better person who is in charge of their own life. I always put others first, which I believe is a wonderful thing but I guess sometimes you can get walked all over when you're not careful. Not that I feel people intentionally take advantage of me, I just make it so easy. Being so careful not to hurt the people closest to me in my life has left me sort of confused, I can't explain what I am trying to say I just sort of feel like I don't have any control of my own life. I have faith though in God, and I'm sure patience is the answer, I just wish I was a stronger person. I'm sorry I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Anyway, I hope you're doing well, and thank you for your words!

[Just Me]

Good morning SmallStar,

So, with this guy gone, who is going to be your next target? When you fall off the horse you don't wait to get back on. Consider this whole dating thing as a learning experience. You were scared to go on your first date but you survived it. You were scared to go on a second date but you survived that. Truth is, second dates are rare so I say you did pretty good for yourself. The whole thing failed because you said it was going to from the start. Self fulfilling prophesy. So go give yourself permission to screw up a few more dates. You have plenty of time to worry about not screwing up a date later but since you feel it's inevitable that you are going to, then give yourself permission to do just that. This way you can look forward to going on dates. Tell yourself, "I'm going to go out to dinner and screw it up". Eventually you will find someone that you really like and then you can worry about whether or not he likes you. By then though, you will at least have learned to be more comfortable with the dating part. If Mr. Right happens to come along you won't be able to screw it so you don't need to even worry about that.

If there is 100 fish in the sea and you are just now learning how to fish you can't expect to catch the big one on the first or second try. Become a good fisherman first then worry about catching the big one.

[smallstar]

hi justme, thank you. I'm not so sure about the self fulfilling prophecy thing, I mean I tried so hard, it wasn't like I was trying to mess up, you know? Actually I don't even know if it's over or not. I'm starting to get irritated with him because he's just acting weird and not really talking to me. How do I find out what's going on? I mean especially if it's all in my head, I mean what if everything's fine then I go and ask him what's wrong and he thinks I'm crazy and needy and that's how I mess it up. I have heard the expression about all the fish in the sea and all that but I don't really see any other options right now. I guess maybe the only thing left to do is try being patient for a little longer and maybe see what next year brings, maybe something good will happen. I almost wish that I never even decided to start dating because it seems to me I just wind up being upset, whether I like the person or not. What's the point? Why should I be upset if I don't even know if I like him? I don't know. But I was surprised when you said second dates were rare. I'm really ignorant on the whole dynamics of dating so I don't really know what is expected, maybe that's why I feel like I always mess it up. The first two dates were good, and nothing bad happened since then, other than him not really talking to me, so I just can't figure out what has changed. I am not going to give up I am going to take your advice. Maybe if I don't always worry so much I won't get so upset when it doesn't work out.

[Just Me]

There could be any number of reasons why he isn't talking that much. Remember, you are only dating right now, dating is not a relationship, dating is spending time getting to know each other. That's why I say, if you mess it up, no big deal. You had said you had joined a dating service so, cast out a line and see what else is out there. It's perfectly OK to date more than one person at a time if you want to.

Since this is all so new to you, do a search on the net for dating tips. There is a ton of stuff out there all because it is very confusing to most people, not just you.

[smallstar]

Just a quick question just me, I understand we're just dating but being that for the last month or longer we have been talking every night, don't you think he should tell me what is going on? I mean it's not like anything happened that I know of, he just stopped talking to me out of the blue. Even if he does come online, at this point I will not i'm him unless he messages me first. It is through a dating service, so do you think it would look weird if I were to go and leave him an email through that service just to try and ask him, in a non-crazy kind of way hopefully, what is going on? If I ever find out from him why he is not talking to me anymore I am probably going to withdraw from the dating site for a while. Not because I am quitting on dating but I don't think I do well with the internet or at least not with the ones I met. But I still think he should tell me what is going on, or am I wrong?

[Just Me]

You aren't wrong in thinking he should tell you but you are wrong in thinking he will tell you and if you corner him into telling you, you really can't trust what he says anyway.

Just because people should be upfront and honest doesn't mean they will be. People have a hard time with their emotions, have a hard time expressing those emotions so honesty and confrontation tend to fall flat.

When I said it could be any number of things, it really could be. What if he got back together with an ex? Found someone better suited to him? These things would have nothing to do with you, it's just what dating is all about. Someday you will meet someone and you feel like WOW and if you are dating like you are now you will know it's time to break off the relationship but then what do you tell him? How will you tell him? You will be afraid of hurting his feelings because he's a nice guy. That may be where he is coming from. A cowards way out but there are more cowards than anyone else. Before you jump to a conclusion though, it may be that he is down about something in his own life and is withdrawing from everyone right now. We've all been there before. Women are more apt to share emotions with others when they are down, men are more apt to withdraw to silence. It's just the way it is. What if he suddenly realized he has deep emotions for you and those emotions scare him so he's going to run away from them? If this is the case, just let him go anyway. The last thing you need is someone who can't confront emotions. So if he's gone, he's gone, just by his own actions he's proven he is not the right person for you so it doesn't matter why.

If "if's" and "buts" were toys and trucks it would be Christmas everyday!

Don't get hung up on the why and don't assume it has anything to do with you just take it for what it is, he's not the right person for you. The problem with wanting something so badly is we tend to fall for the first thing that comes along and make it into something it is not. Don't let that happen to you. Keep going until you find the one who fulfills your needs. As I said before, you won't be able to chase Mr. Right away and Mr. Right won't run either. So when one runs away, wave bye bye! I'm pretty sure most of us here can name a number of times we wish we had waved Mr/Mrs Wrong goodbye because hanging onto to someone who isn't right will drive you insane.

I don't care about him, nor do I care for him because he is hurting you and not providing for your needs so I say good riddens to him. Easy for me to do because I care about you and the sooner this guy is out of your life the sooner you can find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Love yourself.