Updates.

[Pseudonym]

Let's See, I haven't been here in a while, so I thought for those who still cared, I would update you. I moved back to my home in Nowhere, Inparticular. I was there for a couple months before I moved (still in my home city). I'm around my friends, working my old job, and staying responsible. I have a new girlfriend. She's great and not as overwhelming as my last one. I'm not struggling to keep her around, which is good, and she's not overwhelming me with relationship stuff. Her presence almost makes me want to believe in god (almost).

I've been seeing a therapist. I've been diagnosed with OCD and an Unspecified Developmental disorder. The OCD explains the Dark Urges (afterall unwanted sexual thoughts are part of OCD) and also gives me an outlet in which to fix the problem. I'm realizing a couple things. First, *I* Control my compulsions, they don't control me. I Afterall I may have OCD, but it doesn't have ME.

Second, I've come to realize why I allow myself to do this, is that I have never come to the fact that what happened to me in my childhood was Unacceptable. I guess I never wanted to face that it was me, that it happened to ME. That I molested and it was NOT consensual. I guess part of me for all these years thought that it was acceptable to do the things I did, because of what happened to me. Understand that I've never hurt anyone personally (I'm not a monster). But I'm coming to realize to stand by while another gets harmed is evil as well. After all "all that is required for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing."

It is a process to become better, but that is my first step, understanding that what happened to me, and my actions afterwards were unacceptable. I must recognize this, forgive myself, and never repeat my actions.

So in this light, I'm back to watching normal porn (maybe some threesomes, it's all in good fun). I'm being sexually healthy with my new partner, not experimenting with newfound Ideas but having normal and fun sex. I think I'm on my way to being the person I'm supposed to be.

Thank you for reading

- Anonymous