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lost sexually


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I am 29 and married to a wonderful man for a little less than a year now. He is a fantastic provider, husband, father to my son and couldn't say enough good things about him. With that said, I have very little desire to have sex with him lately and I get really upset with him when he brings it up(which is daily). I have been really trying to explore the issue on my own because I have a hard time even thinking about discussing it with him(and boy does he try). I have just never been that great of a communicator. Things I know-

1- I am attracted to my husband

2- we had ALOT of sex when we were first together, which we would fantasize and talk dirty together about things like threesomes and dom/sub kind of stuff and would also get pretty rough with each other(I like to be slapped around and choked sometimes), but within the last 6 months or so I really have no desire to have sex with him

3- my husband is always horny and always asking

4- first time I had sex, I was raped, never really worked that out

5-I have had alot of sexual partners including girls(my husband doesnt really know how many, kind of embarassed about it)

6- when I fantasize, it is usually about situations were a girl has no power sexually with other male(s), and I have never admitted that to anyone until now

7- I masturbate in secret alot

8- my husband has been really pushing since we were married to bring other people into the bedroom with us(too "spice it up") which I seemed to be ok with before we were married(I like to experiment) but I hate the idea when he brings it up now, although if I thing about it without him bringing it up it really turns me on

OK so I dont really know how pertinant all that information is but I just really need help.

I love my husband and I want to get the desire back to have sex with him. I dont know if due to the fact that ive had some sexual issues in the past that have never really been addressed(i.e. rape and alot of permiscuous sex after that) maybe thats why im having such a problem now, or if there is something else that im not seeing. But why would I take that out now on the one really great relationship Ive ever had? I just know I shouldnt be this sick to my stomache 10 months into my marrriage about not wanting to have sex with my husband. Maybe because I have never been the conventional girl and now that Im in this conventional housewife role Im just too bored with "vanilla" and maybe I should go along with the idea of spicing things up and bringing other people into the bedroom? But is that just gonna make me feel used, which is the same feeling Im still trying to shake from my past experiences? Will it just creat more problems? Is any of this making sense??? I just dont want to lose my husband over this. This is a daily fight with us now. Does anyone have any insight? Please, I dont know what is wrong with me or what I should do...I have always considered myself a sexual person and now I feel like Im lossing my identity too...

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Onering,

I have a number of thoughts about the sexual issues you have discussed in your E. Mail.

You report that your first sexual experience was being raped or that you were raped during your first sexual experience. I can tell you that women with that terrible experience live with a lot of buried feelings and thoughts. Those feelings and thoughts include such things as:

1. Guilt feelings about the rape. Amazing because it it not their fault, yet, there it is, they blame themselves.

2. Self hate about their bodies.

3. Self criticism about sexual experiences and relationships after the rape, even long after the rape.

4. Distrust of men and male sexuality even though the woman desires sex.

5. Unresolved depression and anxiety.

I would guess that, even though you may enjoy some "rough sex," that, really, you do not like being choked. In addition, regardless of past sexual experiences, within the boundaries of your marriage, it is likely that you do not want a third person in your bedroom. Of course, people are different and perhaps it makes no difference to you but, it may make a lot of difference to you.

I would suggest to you that there are two things going on that you need to address: One has to do with the rape and for all the reasons above and the second has to do with you and your husband in relationship to one another. The fact that you are not feeling sexual may have a lot to do with the larger relationship you have with each other. Even mundane things such as forgetting to take out the garbage, forgetting your birthday, coming home late, acting thoughtless, etc. all can affect a relationship and even sexual feelings, especially if you are burying your anger.

I suggest marriage therapy for the two of you and individual therapy or a support group for rape victims, for you.

What do you and others think??


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