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My life lacks motivation. Where to start...again?


tourdelove
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ok, so as a new member, I had posted in the new member section regarding a recent relationship experience that went nowhere but left me down. And now I will elaborate in order to try and get myself on track, in other aspect of my life, which are probably what's keeping me from feeling good about myself, getting some help and ideas from you is greatly appreciated.

What is it that is bugging me? Several things. Where to start? Well, here's a little bit about my life story.

I come from a somewhat dysfunctional family. Lower middle class. 2 kids: me, the elder, and my brother, 2 years younger. Both parents from dysfunctional, and extremely poor backgrounds, by North American standards. Mom at home. Dad, engineer, provider of the family.

My parents fought a lot. My dad gave us, my brother and I had interminable amounts of chore to do when we were kids. It was difficult to socialise with our friends as a result. My dad was verbally abusive, and physically violent to some extent. At 12, I started rebelling against my father. A gap between me and my brother formed. He was the quiet one, the straight one, I was the disgruntle one. I started hanging out with underground kids, he started cycling and racing. I wanted to race, but feared I wouldn't fit in. We were both good students, but he was grounded and focused on being an engineer, I was the artist, but was afraid not being able to meet expectations. I started being perfectionist, he continued being balanced. I became somewhat jealous of him even though I loved him, because I realized he seemed to get more attention from my mom and didn't get into fights with my dad. I wanted to be like him, but at the same time, couldn't understand why he wasn't rebelling against my father... I felt isolated, always seeking attention but never quite getting enough. I didn't know who I was, I could be anything to anyone who thought I should be doing this or that.

When I was 14, finally my parents divorced, which was a relief. I went to live with mom, my brother stayed [shockingly] with my dad because he drove him to races, bought him stuff for racing, since he had money.

At the end of high school, I felt loss. I wasn't interested in hard sciences, couldn't find anything that fit me... No concrete career I could focus on. Even thought I was a good artist, I didn't go into graphic design because I thought I wouldn't pass the test and interview. So I went into cinema studies, like my friends.

When it came time for uni, I felt lost again. Met with a career counselor, looked at some charts of many careers and tried to pick something that interested me. So I picked anthropology in a panic, even thought I knew there was no concrete jobs in that field. I was broke, worked at a gas station. My brother at some cool university lab, making good money.

Towards the end of uni, at 23, I lost my boyfriend towards which I was clingy. Became pretty depressed. I lost interest in my studies [but finished] not seeing what kind of career it would lead to, and moved out West. There, I worked in a climbing shop... It felt good for a while to be away from what I thought was judgment of my parents. I climbed, skied a lot, and was somewhat content. Then became restless again when I was 27, thought I should be doing 'my dream'... So I started to look at design school, which were too expensive, I thought, since I was extremely afraid of being in debts, and didn't trust myself that this would be 'a career', with reasonable money to pay back afterwards. Started to learn by myself and took technical courses. Started to do graphic design, payed really low...

I then moved to the West Coast, small ski town, for a guy. There, I tried to get a job in graphic design, but couldn't. I had low confidence, and focused a lot on the fact that I didn't have formal training... Found a job very low paying job in an internet cafe where I did some design too... became depressed, gained 25 pounds... Things got better and I worked at different places as a graphic artist, finally working at an ad agency, and then another... I felt like I finally was going somewhere, made good money... But I started to work a lot because I felt my lack of training was a big handicap...

Three years ago, things started to get very rocky again. I felt unappreciated at work, and extremely stressed, I felt also that my relationship was going nowhere, but felt dependent on both my job and my boyfriend for my identity. I gained a lot of weight again...At work they wanted to fire me, as I was 'disgruntle'. I felt trapped and was very depressed. I started seeing a psychologist, started antidepressant and when I felt a little better, broke up with my boyfriend 2 years ago, and quit my job 9 months ago, as they were going to fire me. I also started smoking again. Felt bad about it... Thought I was over that...

Anyway, I started working on construction this summer, which I liked as it payed almost as much as my old graphic artist job! Then I lost my job again in February, due to lack of work. Met a guy at the same time, but he wasn't interested in me, still, I wanted to keep on going with even though it wasn't working out... Lost the guy 2 weeks ago. Now I am down in the dumps again. Kind of numb, not motivated, but very afraid again because of the economy, that I won't be able to find a job for a while.

Where am I going with this? Well, my life itself isn't that bad. I do realize that. What I am trying to get across is the fact that I feel lost. I feel like jump from one thing to the next. I am a big time procrastinator, I get disgruntle when I don't feel appreciated at work, I tend to get depressed, feel dependent in relationships, I feel unsatisfied about myself. I want to get over this and just don't know where to start.

thanks for listening.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello tourdelove,

thanks for sharing your story.

I would say, go join a community. It may sound prepossessed but yes, I do mean a Christian community. I don't intend to step on any other religion but in my personal experience, christian communities foster an atmosphere of friendliness and trust. You might find the motivation you need in there, or better yet, find your purpose in life and you won't be relying on other people to motivate you much from there since you'll have that inner fire within you to go forward in life.

If anything, let me just add, start with God. :)

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