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i talked to my support worker now regret it!


pokets
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Since coming out of psych hospital in dec, i have been having trouble eating (this was also an issue whilst on ward) i stopped eating altogether, then wen i had to eat i was sick at first i had to make myself now its like a natural reaction, i am also using laxatives almost daily, im quite a big person, tho people say im not as big as i think, but i am! wen i do eat i feel so disgusted with myself i end up self harming. My support worker commented on my eating, and i admitted to her wot i was doing, but i am ok, the thing that really angered me is that she said it cud be a start of a ed which it isnt. and now she is going to tell my cpn , she says its her duty of care, i just feel so let down i dont need people interferring i am in control. If i knew this i wudnt of talked to her in the first place. i do admit that my sh does spiral out of control but i will deal with it. my cpn is due tomoro and my support worker says she will visit whilst she is here and talk to her in front of me so she isnt saying anything behind my back. but i dont need her to do that, how can u have a ed if ur overweight??????? its just like a diet. i can afford to lose weight. just needed to have a rant.

jo

Edited by pokets
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Hi Jo,

I have had Anorexia and Bulimia for around 10 yrs , a while ago... Than I put on a bunch of weight.. I flipped to the other side. Some people would say I still have a ED because my weight is not the norm. It has not been since i was very young. Anyway, I'll try and explain something about ED's.

It is not about the weight. It's about the thoughts, and how one precieves oneself that dictates an ED. A lot of it has to do with control issues. When a person feels like their life is out of control the one thing that can be easily controlled is food. Nobody can take that away. It does not matter is you are overweight or not. It is the thinking. I look at what the person says, or writes, that tells me everything. You know how it is, "it takes one to know one?" I been there, way too many times, my friend. Self harm, is very, very common in people with ED's too. There is an extrmemly high incidence in our behaviors with ED's.

I'll tell you, at one time in my life I was 72 lbs. and at 5'4 almost 5'5. this is skeletol. AND I was not aware of how disgusting this was. I went into an ED treatment program and was placed into a wheelchair. They thought I was going to have a heart attack .I had 3% body fat . At 21 yrs old . The thing was when I got out, i managed to lose most of all the weight too. I would maintain 88lbs forever. Anyway that was my thing .

Now I am well over 200 LBS... And 40 yr old. LOL. Things have totally gone from one extreme to the other... LIke i said , DO I have A ED still? It is all a matter of thinking. I hope your going to be ok.

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Thanku for ur replies....

My support worker foned early today about visit with cpn this pm, i told her i didnt want her present at the app, and that i will deal with thigs myself, she asked if it was ok for her to fone my cpn b4 her visit i said no. So she said for me to think about it and call her back in 10 mins coz she wud rather me say she cud instead of doing it against my wishes!! choice where!!!!!!. Anyway i called her back and said she cud fone my cpn,

Cpn came this pm, and said that support worker had foned and was quite concerned about how things were with my health and issues, and said that other members of staff had commented on how much weight id lost, and i wasnt looking particulary well. We talked about how i needed control in my life, and that my control over things was spiralling out of control!! She said i needed to regain 'control' ok i will get up tomoro and everything will be 'ok'.

I dont know how. im trying my bloody hardest here, and i still feel i am controlled, what the f*** is happening. Its easy for them to sit there and say this and that, dont they realise if it was all so easy then everyone wud be ok!!!! It certainly makes u wonder who has the problems sometimes listening to them. We spoke about eating issues, ocd (cleaning) and sh and it didnt seem real it was like we were talking about someone else, coz the way she was talking it didnt feel like my life she was discussing, that cant be me. They say life is a experience well i dont like it. sorry for the ramble....

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Was it like they were talking about someone else .... a part of you, that was private , and you did not want discussed by them , however hearing it talked about became real, so they were not even talking about you?

That must of been a horrbile experience . i know it would have been for me! I hope things start to become easier for you. Keep writing on here for support ok?

Cathy

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Ive had a horrible day, and cant wait for it to be over!!!!

I really have had enough, the thoughts and voices are taunting me, daring me how long til i tire and give in to them. Went out with sw today, ok no big deal right, so why was it?? went and had a cuppa whilst we were out, was fine til i had drank it then had an uncontrollable urge to be sick, so rushed off to the toilets. i was so embarressed but wot was worse was that i felt out of control!!! sw sat with me as i was a nervous wreck, finally got it together and she bought me home. Got my crisis plan out, which i had said i didnt want or need, but i needed to ground myself, i took my prn meds they helped a little. I feel like such a failure. sw came back round to check on things and suggested i had gp or cpn out, i said i was fine and was following my crisis plan best i cud. she said she wud fone me at 4, which she has, i promised her that if i needed to i wud ask for help over the weekend!! i have strong urges to sh, but am following my distraction plan but u know really u r putting off the inevitable!! i want to hurt, i hurt anyway both mentally and physically. I need.........Oh i dont know wot i need. I am tired irratable and feel so alone with myself. which scares the shit into me. But i dont need a bunch of w*****s talking about me and controlling me. just lost....

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I know i shudnt of, but i have, went on to x email, and found a message from her x , whom i thought they were going behind my back wen we were together, and now it looks like i was right all along....and yes i know i finished it but god does it hurt to have it confirmed...my x owes me money and she said she wud send payments monthly til it was paid off well ive had 1 payment....i had enough debt from my previous gf not to go thru it again... i HATE me i think i must of have twat written on my head.. I have had it, people can just f*** off now, my head is screwed i cant take anymore, im not gonna care anymore..bring it on lets do some damage, thats how i feel..Im shit ........

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Hi pockets

pokets I know i shudnt of, but i have, went on to x email, and found a message from her x , whom i thought they were going behind my back wen we were together, and now it looks like i was right all along....and yes i know i finished it but god does it hurt to have it confirmed...my x owes me money and she said she wud send payments monthly til it was paid off well ive had 1 payment....i had enough debt from my previous gf not to go thru it again... i HATE me i think i must of have twat written on my head.. I have had it, people can just f*** off now, my head is screwed i cant take anymore, im not gonna care anymore..bring it on lets do some damage, thats how i feel..Im shit ........

What do you mean you shouldn't have? Of course you have a right to look on her email! If she had nothing to hide then, there would be nothing wrong but... She was messing around behind your back! You want to pursue the payments of her!

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i do admit that my sh does spiral out of control but i will deal with it. my cpn is due tomoro and my support worker says she will visit whilst she is here and talk to her in front of me so she isnt saying anything behind my back. but i dont need her to do that, how can u have a ed if ur overweight??????? its just like a diet.

Lisa11

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Pokets and Lisa11,

I am very confused:confused: Are Pokets and Lisa11 the same person or two different members?

Pokets, why were you hospitalized? Can you tell us?

To answer the question: "How can you be over-weight and have an eating disorder?" Using laxatives is a definite sign of an eating disorder regardless of a person's weight. My question is what other problems do you have in addition to using laxatives?

Allan

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Hi Allan

Me and lisa are 2 different members, i was a little confused by her post.

I was hospitalized due to a severe OD and sh.

I have been hospitalized before on several occassions, one being sectioned for 6 months, and a couple of other times sectioned for 4 weeks. I have been dx with bpd with depression and psychotic behaviour.

Im at the moment using laxatives morn and nite, wen i have to eat i am always sick afterwards, i have tried to eat but cannot keep it down!

I feel disgusted by it and this results in me sh, its like a vicious circle. Im not really sure wot is going on, but i know i hate these feelings.

pokets

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