AreWeThereYet?

[AreWeThereYet?]

Rob/29years/Male

I don't really know where to start, so bear with me.

I am depressed and have been so for about 5 years "with the exception of 6 months after an LSD trip 2 years ago", "I will post that story in the general section", with the depression getting exponentially worse. The level of depression I am currently experiencing I would call severe.

I went to treatment 4 months ago for my alcohol use, "I was drinking just about every day."

I am so close to starting again because I am sick of feeling anything and the trade off of sober and miserable for loaded and numb is starting to sound pretty good.

I have been seeing a psychologist "2 times a week" and a psychiatrist "once every 3 weeks", for a couple months with no relief either from the sessions or the bevy of medications I have tried. The only thing that seems to help at all is marijuana. But I have stopped smoking to give these medications "that haven't done a damn thing for me other than make me tired and make my ass bigger", a chance.

The most common thing that goes through my mind is "I don't want to be here."

I also think that any god that created this is a cruel malevolent being that is far from perfect because this planet is so extremely flawed, I also feel that if there is a god I am being punished by it.

I have had 2 suicide attempts with no success. Now I am at the stage of no matter how bad I don't want to be here, unfortunately, suicide is no longer an option, I just don't have the stones.

I constantly have this writhing wretched pain in my gut and chest, my favorite analogy for this follows, "It feels like a rubber band going from my throat to lower abdomen and is being twisted constantly, and as the day progresses the tension gets stronger and more painful". I hate everything and get no enjoyment out of life whatsoever. I feel as if this is groundhog day and each day gets more and more fucked up, and what makes all of this that much harder on me is the fact that I have no one that can even begin to understand me or what I am going through. Because of this I get no compassion from anyone I am close to, it's as if they think "no big deal, it will pass"

I became a member of this community because I thought it might be beneficial to find others who are suffering just like me.

Edited April 8, 2009 by AreWeThereYet?

[finding my way]

Hi Rob, welcome to our community:); I love your member name! You are really going through it:( and I hope you find the support you need here. Does it help any to write out how you are feeling? It's worth trying it some more to see if that pain in your chest will ease any. There are plenty here that can relate to your suffering. You could tell us a bit more about yourself. Did something happen 5 years ago to start this, or was it a slow build up to crisis?

[AreWeThereYet?]

Well, I used to love music more then anything, writing/listening/playing. EVERYTHING I did involved music, no matter what I was doing there was music in the background. I even slept with music on.

The first time I suffered from depression I was about 12 years old, it lasted a couple of years, then it was gone.

Then about 12 years after that, the bitch reared her ugly head once again. There's nothing specific that happened to cause it to resurface "that I am aware of", it just did.

I spent about a decade in search of answers to life. Along the way I shed a dogmatic belief system, became interested in conspiracies and esoteric knowledge.

[UnsureLifeJon]

I am sorry to hear your going through so much. Like finding my way said, I am sure you will meet some people that have gone through similar experiences and will be able to help support you! I am glad suicide is no longer an option for you, it suggests that you want to get through this rough chapter in your life!

Do you still have passion for music? If not, what changed?

For me, music is one of my vices I use when I get overwhelmed. I find songs that I relate to, and it tends to get my mind off of life and helps find tranquility.

What caused your initial depression? Did you talk to anyone about it, such as a parent, teacher, therapist?

[AreWeThereYet?]

I grew up with just my Mom and she was my best friend. When I was 11 she met someone and everything changed from there on. I could go days on end with neither of them so much as looking at me, & he was emotionally abusive to boot. The one thing that sticks out for me as his catch phrase was "I FUCKING HATE KIDS".

Initially the depression set in for obvious reasons and eventually it got better and went away, "so I thought", as I needed her less as I got older.

[UnsureLifeJon]

Do you see some sort of parallel in the situation that you are in now with the events that happened when your mom met that man? Such as a friend/acquaintance ignoring you?

I suffer from anxiety. It seems that when I start to panic, my mind goes to that time when I first experienced anxiety. I start to obsess over this one time in my life, that I feel I have gotten over, but clearly I havent. Could this be similar to you?

[AreWeThereYet?]

Thanks for the thoughtful insight. I don't see any parallels at the moment but I will keep that in mind. I rarely go back there as far as memories of growing up other then in sessions with my Doctor.

Oh I suppose I should list medications I've been on.

Trazadone "the only one that has done anything for me"ZzzzzzzzzZZZZshooo

Ambien

Paroxetine

Nabumetone

Celexa

Seroquel "hate it"

I'm sure I'm missing 1 or 2 but that's the jist of it.

What medications are working for you people?

[John Rutledge]

deleted....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge
minor omission

[AndreaB]

Hi Rob welcome. I can sya for sure that the people here do understand and are nice. I know exactly how you feel. I'm suffering from depression also, but know that thingd do get better. You should continue to take your medication no matter what. Also if music was your salvation make it that way again. Music helps me to cope. There are few things that may bring you happiness, but knowing your alive and not the only one going through this can be an upside to getting well. And no we cannot jsut snap out of it and it will not go away we have an illness that is no fault of our own. The only thing we can do is try and keep going. Pain won't last always. We're all here for support

The medication that does work for me is

prozac (40 mg)

welbrutrin (150 mg)

[AreWeThereYet?]

I bet this is a first for MentalHelp.net

My girlfriend, lets call her Tracy, is freaking the fuck out because someone named AndreaB "who was just trying to be nice & supportive" posted a comment on my thread.

So now my Tracy thinks I am chatting it up with chicks on here. I swear to god when it rains it pours and I am so sick of everything.

For me there is,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation. No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation.

No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation. No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation.

No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation. No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation.

No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation. No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation.

No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation. No relief, no salvation.No relief, no salvation.

Edited April 8, 2009 by AreWeThereYet?

[AreWeThereYet?]

Thank you all very much for the kind words and support.

[paula]

Your girlfriend should be supporting you at this awful time in your life, not giving you grief! IMO!

[AndreaB]

tell her I am in no way shape or form a threat to her I'm just trying to offer you support Rob. Sorry to cause you more grief:(

[paula]

why not ask her to read what you have written, then maybe she will be able to understand why you are posting on this site and having trouble trying to explain to her your feelings on the situation! That way, she will know that you are asking for support and friendship and that is all!

you will need her support more than ever now and by inviting her to read your post, hopefully, she will see that?

Good luck!

[smallstar]

Hi Rob, I agree with Paula, if your girlfriend read your posts and responses she would be able to see that there is nothing to worry about. It's really an awful thing for her to pick a fight about. I hope she understands and I hope you feel better and have better days soon.