Talked to therapist/feel worse:(

[mscat]

I had my therapy session this morning. I have talked to Steve for a few years and trust him. Before going , I was getting ready at home and decided to bring up a topic that has bothered me for years, and i needed claification. However, it was a extrememly delicate topic that I had not ever talked about, so I had to go through it in my mind. i had it all figured out.

However, It was harder then I though it would be, talking about it. He tried to help me by asking questions. I told him not to do that, so he stopped. I finally was able to tell him about the experience , and asked him if it was considered a sexual assualt. Well, it was more a form of a "rape" He told me. I was able to finally tell someone after 25years . Of the incident. What happened at 16..... That incident in H.S.

NOW, why don't I feel better? I feel very badly if not sadder that I told... not like I relieved what happened , it just feels upsetting, and horrid. I can see this guy still in my head... that's why. Now that I talked about it. I am haunted by him. Haunted by the memory of it all. It is worse that I have talked about it , to a therapist, that I trusted , this was the wrong thing to do? I am seriouly questioning why I did say something? And why I talked about the uncle when little as well? Perhaps it was too much for one session to bring up? The uncle did not really do anything, just liked boucing me on his lap while driving bhis truck, and feeling.... up to the panty line.... ANyway, (sigh) it was too much to talk about , and now I regret it... And can't even Self harm!!!! Not until Tuesday! my son goes back to school than! Damn I am totally screwed... BUT, I can DRINK. Sorry just not in a good frame of mind right now, and don't know what to do ! when I drink, I drink the hard stuff too. I mix drinks , and love it, so this is for tonight.

Cheers.

[malign]

Cathy,

I'm sorry talking about things didn't help right away. But the way I see it, you just controlled the guys who hurt you, not the other way around: you purged them onto your therapist. (If it helps, you can picture him covered in puke. He won't mind.) Granted, throwing up leaves a nasty aftertaste, but that passes, too.

And I was reluctant to post this, because what the hell do I know about being raped? Nothing.

But I do know that I care what happens to you, and I hope you'll take care of yourself.

[Lie_low]

I have trouble talking about anything painful and I normally feel worse afterwards, so I know where you are coming from. You know that I also have a serious problem with self-injury. You have probably thought of this before, but I want to make sure that you are doing all that you can to avoid hurting yourself when you are in a state of distress. Do you have a list of alternatives for dealing with emotional pain? You probably do, but if you don’t, it is very important that you develop one so that you have a plan of action when things get really tough for you. When you feel like hurting yourself, can you call your therapist before you act on the urge, rather than after? We all care about you and I feel as though you need more help than you are getting right now. I really want you to consider doing DBT. Stay safe. You deserve better than self-injury.

[Catmom]

Hi Mscat (Cathy)--

I agree with what the others have said to you so far and I think that talking about it is a way to eventually get over at least some of the pain you must feel from having been sexually assaulted.

You did a very brave thing to talk about it and if you can hang in there, the pain WILL get better. By the way, I love the idea of you maybe checking out DBT. Is that a possibility?

**HUGS***

Catmom

[mscat]

Thank you so much for the support. I had not realised this, until now that I had not wrote about this ever .... tears now reading your replies, but, i needed the support... I did not know the pain was still there after all these years. You all have very good suggestions. Puke is a a great one , Malgin. DBT, I am really considering it, and I have not made a list of other alternatives instead of SI. SI has been a almost natural response for me.... I don't even flinch when the skin burns, and it is all too easy... which is the problem. ANd therefore makes it too easy to become hard not to overdue it .

To LIe Low, ANd others who SI it is something so difficult to stop doing once it starts becmming easier to do. Honestly, LIe Low, I did not know that , i am sorry I feel better though afterwards. But, always a little confused as to why I feel better, and need it to calm me. It's different for everybody who SI's. I do not when my son is home. I won't drink tonight either.

Thanks again for all of your kind words and thoughts.

[Lie_low]

It’s great that you reached out to us for support instead of doing something to harm yourself! It sounds like we have a similar problem of isolating and keeping all of are painful feelings to ourselves. Because sharing with others doesn’t seem safe, we don’t get to experience the support that can be gained from it, so when the emotions become too much to bear we take it out on our body. I believe that we could both benefit from reaching out to others when we are experiencing overwhelming emotions--that is a huge struggle for me. I think it’s worth working on. I’m really surprised that your therapist has not asked you to create a list of alternatives, because I think that it can be a very important part of fighting the urge to self-injure. Definitely work on writing a list, and maybe even share it with your therapist. I am not si free, but I am working hard at stopping.

Giving up si is a painful process. The thing that presents the biggest challenge for many people, including myself, is learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions without acting on them. I have been feeling a lot of things that I used to numb away with self-injury and alcohol. I have cried more than I have in years. It is a struggle but the thing that keeps me going is the hope that I can have a fuller life without self-injury. I think you can too, MSCAT. It sounds like we have both experienced painful things growing up. Why should we continue to abuse ourselves? Stay Safe.

By the way, I will try to post some suggested alternatives, and maybe there will be some that will appeal to you.

[mscat]

Thank You Lie Low. IMO, you have really come a long way and doing well . reading the responses have helped me considerably. How have you done it? Figured all this out ? We are a lot a like, but, your a lot further in understanding than I am . That is amazing. I'd like to see the list . Maybe get an idea of alternatives . All I been told is that a lot of things are very deeply engrained in me. a lot of experiences of badness/negativity have instilled many patterns that are there. which are not going to be easily broken by now at the age of 40. Yrs of childhood torment. And this is no exagertaion. I do not want to say it is a lost cause or anything. However, it is going to be a battle.

I've been in therapy off and on since the age of 4.. Sadly .

[Lie_low]

I am so glad that there is something that I can do to benefit you. It makes me feel better. I saw a counselor when I was younger who was not much help at all. If I am making any progress I think that it has to do with finding the right type of help and a sincere wish to get better even though I know it will be very hard work. That is why I think it’s great that you are considering DBT. I think that there are things that you might learn from it. By the way, I added to the list of alternatives, if you want to take a look at it.