Have hit bottom for past 5 days--can't cope anymore

[journeyupward]

Despite my Pdoc trying to help me with various medications, I've spiraled down to the bottom a few days ago and have stayed there for about 5 days. I can't see the light in this pit. Nothing cheers me. Not even the sunshine or the whisper of the wind through the trees. Any kind of noise grates on my nerves. I don't want to talk to anyone, not even my kids on the phone. I hate the telephone. I don't like tv--never did. "The emotional and mental pain is unbearable. I try to think this will all end eventually. But I was a rapid cycler until my Pdock added lithium to my mix. The cycles have finally ended but I am at the bottom of the depression scale and I'm afraid I'll stay that way. I have been an undiagnosed bipolar rapid cycling NOS for 45 years. I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago. I know the longer it goes untreated, the worse it gets and the harder it is to treat--if they can treat it at all. I can't imagine going on the rest of my life like this. I have pretended to be gracious and pleasant all these years pulling the strength to do it from way down in my gut somewhere. I can no longer find the strenght--I'm done, depleted and I'd rather leave this world. My family will find no pleasure in me feeling the way I do now, so what's the difference. I'm out of solutions. I've researched the internet to death--nothing I've found will help. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital. I see no alternative to saying good by permantently. What might I have missed to save me?

[smallstar]

I think you have probably missed alot! You were only diagnosed two weeks ago, my guess is you need to give it time. Time to get your medication right, time for therapy, time to heal. 45years is a long time to go through something being undiagnosed, therefore receiving no help. I think you need to call your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling, that something is not right, and let them help you. Please give it time and don't give up. I understand that you have been dealing with this fo a long long time but being that you were just diagnosed I really truly think you have not giving enough time to be helped. I hope you feel better soon, don't forget, if you are at rock bottom the only place left to go is up

[paula]

Hi Journey & Star

I too have Bipolar & know exactly where your coming from! I am at my worst now & am myself Suicidal!

I don't answer the telephone, don't watch TV, can't stand noise, don't answer the door. I spend hours just sitting here thinking in my own thoughts! Everything going around & around in my head! Strange as it might seem, I just love the peace & quiet! I know that my Therapist & Psychiatrist have told me to busy myself but... I can't busy myself because there is too much going on in my head! I don't even open my post... Thinking that, the longer I don't open it, the longer I have to deal with what the post contains? I know that's not true but, you tell my head that!

The feeling of nothing being worth going through what I'm feeling is unbearable, if that makes any sense? I can't even remember what I've said or done most of the time!

I understand where your at, in this difficult time in your life but, hang in there! You never know?

My thoughts are with you!

[JustTrying]

When I first started taking Lithium.. it too worked on the rapid cycles almost from week one. It took about 4 -6 weeks for it to help with the depression. It does not get rid of all the bad days but helps to make them not so intense.

Hang in there. Give the meds time.

JT

[journeyupward]

Paula, Thanks for your post. It helps to know someone understands. I am so sorry for your pain. I hope the depression cycle ends soon. I know exactly where you're coming from. I too need absolute quiet when its at the worst. I go to my room & close the door--it's dark & quiet. I'll pray for you. Hang on, please hang on, the cycle will change.

I'll be here if you need to talk, if you want my email addr. I'll pm you.

hugs, JourneyUpward