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sweetpea
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I'm the middle child of 5, we were raised by an alcholic mentally ill mom and juice head sex abuiser dad. How's that for a start? My brother Eddie was special, we were two peas in a pod and I did my best to take care of him when things got real bad at home. We would even think the same things at the same time. Eddie's wife shot herself close to two years ago and that was the day I started to watch my brother die. He turned into a skeleton and actually died of a broken heart but that damn bullet didn't help much. I found him in his closet, blue and the smell of decomp will never leave me. He took his life with the same gun his wife did. I asked him once, Eddie how can you make me watch you die every day of my life? He would just look at me with those big brown eyes that had changed the day he found his love dead in the woods. He said he wished he could help me but there is nothing inside me to do so. I knew what the end was going to be but fought it tooth and nail. Eddie was a house bound vet, his feet were crushed in the military and he was never without pain. In that respect we were in the same boat. I've had one hip replaced and the left is next. I've had my back fused and numerous surgery's. We held togother as tightly as two friends and family can. I'm ashamed to say I now feel nothing and I know myself well enough to know I'm in trouble. i have ptsd but have managed until the day I found Eddie.The best of me went with him and to say I miss him just does injustice to the term. All of us kids turned out to be professionals and did well until about age 45. One by one we cracked. Eddie called use the house of broken toys. We shared a kind of sick sense of humor that served us well. I don't know why the hell I'm doing this now. I'm happy for folks who are comforted by what ever God they chose but it just never took for me. Eddie told me once we are all just made up of stardust, which is true and I like the thought. But I miss him and feel more dead than alive. I never thought I'd write a feel sorry for me letter but here I am, standing naked without any guard I usually kept close. I don't need them anymore and I'm not afraid but how much do you suffer before you are a shell and are consumed? Guess I'll let ya'll know huh? I hope to offend no one in any way, this is my heart bleeding before you all.

Edited by sweetpea
typo
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I agree with the others, there is no shame in being honest and openly sharing your thoughts with others. My condolences for the loss of your brother. Clearly, you are still grieving his passing, which is entirely understandable. The loss of close loved ones present difficult life changes and there is nothing offensive of your post at all. Have you considered grief counseling? Some regions offer a 211 call directory for social services where people can call in search of community and government programs. You could call and explain that there was a difficult loss in the family and you want to look for some grief counseling help.

Again, I am sorry to hear of your loss and the suffering you are experiencing now. Your thoughts are very welcome here. Perhaps if you are aware of other family members who are still grieving, you can suggest they seek some grief counseling themselves.

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awww hun it's ok to write what's in your heart nothing you said was offensive. I hope you're getting some type of help if not please do so. You're a beautiful person and you need to take care of yourself. Pain doesn't last always remeber that. God has a plan for everyone whether you believe in Him in or not. He believes in you. I'll pray for you. :)

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I agree with the others, there is no shame in being honest and openly sharing your thoughts with others. My condolences for the loss of your brother. Clearly, you are still grieving his passing, which is entirely understandable. The loss of close loved ones present difficult life changes and there is nothing offensive of your post at all. Have you considered grief counseling? Some regions offer a 211 call directory for social services where people can call in search of community and government programs. You could call and explain that there was a difficult loss in the family and you want to look for some grief counseling help.

Again, I am sorry to hear of your loss and the suffering you are experiencing now. Your thoughts are very welcome here. Perhaps if you are aware of other family members who are still grieving, you can suggest they seek some grief counseling themselves.

Oh sweatpea, I am so sorry for your pain!!! There is nothing offensive AT ALL in your post, only your beautiful heart telling its pain and its love for your brother :D:(:(. I hope you feel your naked truth is honored here. We are here for you, broken too, but here:o
I thank you all for taking the precious moments to help an unknown beaten gal. I finally made an appointment to see a shrink on the 30Th of this month.This was done by the request of a loving yet nagging hubby whom without I'm not sure where I'd be. Seems I'm rather evil to him as of late and saying sorry just seems hollow. Guess the only person who puts up with this kind of crap is the one who truly loves you and I can't even feel that so add another scoop of guilt on top of my Adams family ice cream cone. I told him I'm only going because I love you and it seemed I should go when I feel it's OK.Eddie died this past October but it may as well be yesterday. Here's the kicker, see he called me I guess it was right before he died and left a message I have never listened to and I just can't, I figure I will if the pain of not knowing what he said out weighs the knowing. I sometimes feel like I'm trying to untangle a huge hair ball that's sat in my sink for a few years. I'm so thankful for the love of my animals and nature and it's funny but true that they do feel it when things are bad and stick to me like balls of furry velcro. especially my Dewy he's blind and tiny but when ever I put my hand out at night there he is blowing his cat breath on me. What a comfort. It's very hard going to see someone and I know this because I'm a repeat offender. I went years ago and it tears me up. My stomach already hurts and I'd rather have all my teeth drilled without goofy gas. I'm trying to answer each of you and am still trying to find my way around this site,, I get lost a lot. Concentration has not been my forte lately. I live inside my head way too much but I did find there is plenty of room up there. Some day I hope to give a few words of hope to others because it means so very much but right now I don't think I could read anything that tugs at my soul. The best to you all, Donna
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Don't you worry about US right now. Let US hold your cyber hand and give you all the cyber hugs you can stand!

Your husband sounds like a good one! Sounds like he loves you. Too many others would have ran by now.

I wish I had the words.... your posts really does touch me in many ways.

Go to the therapy and come back and let us know how it goes. Perhaps some medication for a little while may be called for to help you cope, but I think talking about it all and crying some and someone holding out a helping hand or giving you a new perspective or way to think about it may help.

I hope you find peace.

HUGS, JT

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Thank you for the advice but I kind of let the Doc know what and how I expect to be treated, he's next to offer up schooling, specialisation etc.to me. I pay his salary and they put their drawers on one leg at a time like we all do.I read folks real well or I used to lol. I just demand total anonymity. I won't even boo hoo in front of a doc. Guess it's a control thing. Besides I look I got beat in the face with a bag o tatters if I do cry, I won't even go into the nose functions.Ya'll are a good bunch. can ya tell I'm from Tx? Thank you again dear, Donna

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