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What to do when suicidal? (***TRIGGER***)


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I am once again in that dark, dark place that nobody likes to talk about. I have suicidal thoughts on a fairly regular basis but only twice has it been severe enough that I have acted. I know without a shadow of a doubt I am in that place again- a place where I could act if given the chance. The thing is, I don't want to leave a legacy of suicide to my kids. So, I fight off the thoughts and try to keep myself distracted. But, for the past few days, it is ALL I think about. WHen I wake in the morning, its the first thing I think about. When I go to bed at night, its the last thing I think about. I spend all of my time planning and looking for opportunities. Just to avoid the thoughts, I have taken to sleeping an awful lot (say 12-16 hours a day) whereas I usually sleep 3-5 hours a day. I can't seem to care enough to eat, bathe or do housework. I am not answering phone calls or going out in public. My friends text me and as long as I reply "i'm fine" they leave me alone. I KNOW its bad. And, I know myself. But, I CAN'T go inpatient. I simply can't. It takes too much out of me and my kids worry about me which is what I am trying to avoid altogether.

So, please, tell me what else can I do? How else can I rid myself of these thoughts. I don't want to act but I'm just tired of feeling completely beat down and hopeless.

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Proverbs, I wish I knew what to tell you. I've definitely had days like that, but what ended up getting me through it was generally not what people suggested for me to do. Some days, it was just basic survival.

About all that I can suggest is to look back at the list of possibilities that you've allowed the depression to talk you out of. Okay, you don't want in-patient. Can you do something medical that's out-patient? You didn't mention the state of your meds, or therapy. Can you answer your friends, when they ask how you are, with something other than "I'm fine"? Maybe talking to someone out there would help. Then there are the classics, like hotlines or support groups.

Basically, in the end, it's going to have to be you that does it. You're going to have to say to the depression, "No, I don't care that you tell me it's useless, I'm going to do X. Not because I like to, but because I have to." No one says you have to be full of hope, or anything. You just need to take a step.

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