Turning Everything Innocent in the World into something Sexual

[JessicaVAM]

Does anyone else have a problem with the way everyone turns everything innocent in this world into something perverted? How, when my son was a baby and was really chubby I used to call him Chubs , INNOCENTLY, and would go "I love my chubby chubs" and my husband goes "don't say that in public because every guy will think you are talking about a penis."

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT!!?!?!??!?!! Can't you just leave the few things left in this world that is innocent that way and keep them INNOCENT!?!?! Could someone just PLEASE focus their way of turning everything sexual over to someone who's already not so innocent. How can ya'll live with ya'llselves knowing that you look at a 12 year old girl who hit puberty a little faster than others and is becoming built like a woman. And in front of her, every 30+ year old male sit there and think of every sickening gross perverted thing he can possibly think of towards her. How you can go from talking about eating crawfish and how you suck the brains out and when the 12 year old says she sucked the brains and didn't like it, its AUTOMATICALLY A PERVERTED THING and every guy starts putting jokes out there right in front her and she doesn't even know they are being sick. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD!??!?!?!

I don't understand how people can live with themselves for it. Don't sit there and tell me its just some natural urge or something because all I'm going to think is its an excuse. I know mostly this is just a rant and rave, but my husband gets so pissed off at me when I get upset about this. We'll argue that he thinks its not that big a deal, and to me, everytime I hear stuff like that, it makes me barely able to breath and my heart feels like its breaking.

Please someone explain why everyone feels the need to this and thinks its hilarious when its really not.

[JessicaVAM]

Also, I am not like looking at other people's posts.. I was ranting about the weekend I just had. My husband was telling me about a party he went to and was just getting a kick outta telling me about this girl. "But you don't understand, this 12 year old was built like an 18 year old." and he was telling me how every guy was just talking in a dirty way right in front of her and she didn't know what they were saying. He thought it was hilarious and all it did was piss me off that he even thought that I would find that REMOTELY interesting. All it does is break my heart. I don't know if its because I used to be that 12 year old who was built like an 18 year old or what.. but I have ALWAYS had an issue with sexuality. I can't watch movies that have sex in it, I don't say sexual jokes, jokes need to be tasteful, and making any joke about an innocent person, or even animals who are just doing what they do to reproduce just absolutely kills me. Like when movies have 2 dogs mating and everyone thinks its hilarious I just get mad. I really just want to know why people do this. I really don't think its me who is just not with it. My husband says the best way to describe me is I am "Old school." There are certain things you just don't say or do or make fun of. So I was not jumping down other people's butts, I was just trying to get some kind of answers. Thanks

[malign]

Trust me, Jessica, "everyone" doesn't do this.

Jokes about oral sex in the presence of a 12-year-old girl, much less in direct response to her, are not appropriate.

As for "chubs": if we had to avoid every word which, at some time or another, has been used as a substitute for 'penis', the world would be a much quieter place.

Anyone can control any behavior if they want to. You may have to face that these people don't want to. The next step is, what do you need to do about it?

[JessicaVAM]

Thanks for the reply. So how do you get it through to people that that is seriously inapproperate? How do you tell your husband shut the F*** up when he wants to tell you about another story about some perverted thing him or someone else has said? How do you just find a way to become numb to it all because I'm tired of being so upset about this. I get upset to the point I start crying hysterically when I hear about this stuff. I really do feel like a bomb went off in my chest and the pressure would just be released if I would just explode into a thousand pieces instead of staying whole.

I am very introverted. I don't step up to people unless I know them VERY well and even then I back down at the moment they start jumping down me just the slightest bit. I day dream all the time about just this one day, I am going to open my mouth and every single last thing I've ever thought of someone doing that is going to fly out, and I am not going to be apologizing for it, and I will just put them in their place and I'll never have to listen to it again and they will realize its wrong. But in reality, when I really think about it, I know I'll never do that and that will never happen. How do you do it because in this time period, there's no escaping it.....

[malign]

One thing I thought of, Jessica, is that he might be exaggerating what happened when he tells you the story. Some people like to tease others; when they get a reaction, they keep doing it. I don't know if that's the case here, but it's possible. If it is, then the greater the reaction, the more the person will keep doing it.

I, too, have daydreams of one day putting every person in their place who has ever been mean to me, but I doubt that it will ever happen. ;-)

But sometimes, when it really matters, you have to stand up for yourself. Gently and firmly, say what you need and what you will do if you don't get it. Of course, that means you have to be willing to do what you promise. I tried to find a good link to assertiveness on here, but I couldn't find one quickly. That's the process you need to go through, though, if this means enough for you to take action to change it.

[JessicaVAM]

I really doubt though that he was exaggerating because everytime he meantions that stuff we wind up in a huge fight. It winds up with me not talking to him for several days and crying and him pissed off and having to fend for himself in the cooking department.

I try to tell him "look, I don't want to hear this" and he gets mad that I'm getting upset over it and he starts getting defensive. He even knows to tell others "look, you don't joke like that in front of her." and everything. But that still doesn't stop the rest of the world who doesn't know me to start making sexual jokes like that. My main thing is I just don't want to be upset about it anymore, but I can't seem to find the will to just brush it off and let people do what they do. I guess I just view sex as just dirty and wrong and just an urge you just get through and don't talk about and should be ashamed of mentioning. I also think this whole lax way of viewing it as just some normal thing that is accepted by the masses as a reason why you hear of so many sexually related crimes.

Anyway, thanks for responding to me. I feel a little better now. Since my husband gets mad at me when I get upset over anything and I have no friends in this town or who have anytime to talk to me I find it builds up and makes things so much worse. Things that wouldn't be that big a deal had I had someone to vent onto, become huge ordeals that blow up in the end. Thanks for listening to me. I very much appreciate it.

[silentmist]

I wish the world were less preoccupied with sex as well. It would certainly help me out no end. If your 'not good enough' you get treated like a leper. I miss being a kid when all this stuff didn't matter at all.

[Loneranger]

I want to join in with your rave about this subject.

I don’t hate sex at all - I think it can be a very beautiful thing.

But some people, a lot of people (mostly men in the past - but that worm is slowly turning) have turned it into nothing but filth!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to re-educate the world (particularly men in the first instance - and I don’t mean all men - so don’t get mad guys - I know there are good guys out there) toward respecting this subject as it should be respected.

Now about that worm: I can imagine in the future - men being used and abused - and left with their hearts broken - because women and girls are starting to behave as badly.

Where will it end?!

Regards

LR x

P.S. It must be really tough listening to your husband talking that way. If only he realized he could have a very rewarding sex life with his wife if he treated the subject with the respect it deserves. Then he could be man enough to not be ‘one of the guys’ in the presence of his mates (and a twelve year old girl).

[Amanda]

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Edited June 11, 2010 by Amanda
WHO CARES

[JaneE]

Hi JessicaVAM,

I know how you feel!!!! My husband is the same way, cruel like that, and about the same subject, always rubbing my nose in it.

I wish I had some sage advice for you on what to do or how to free yourself. I just hope you have a lot of friends and family to confide in and who give you good emotional support.

And if you can at all, do see a counselor. They can help you figure out if anything seriously bad is going on. I wish I had a counselor, argh. I have no friends, no family and no advice so I have to go it completely alone.

But know at least you're not alone!

Jane

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Everyone,

Marriage or intimate relating is supposed to mean respect. I know that this next comment is easy to say and I agree but I need to say it anyway:

Why stay with someone who is disrepectful?

Now, understand, I know there are many issues that keep people together, including money, children, etc. Yet, if the partner cannot treat you decently and respectfully, why not think about leaving?

There is a big, a huge difference between sex and love. People within a loving relationship make love. Sound like nonsense? Well, it is not. Even within the context of love, two intimate people can have sex with one another because they know they are having fun within the bounds of mutual love and respect. If these guys don't know the difference, then, what about leaving??

You comments and thoughts??

Allan

[John Rutledge]

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Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi John and everyone,

Powerfully said and same with me, to be honest:

I have been married for some 24 years and - as you can imagine - this has not been a bed of roses. Problems are substantial on my side; but there are also problems on the other. And yet - I love her, she loves me (must, in all the circumstances, still to be around), and we are still there.

Thank you John, and feel better.

Comments from others??

Allan

[John Rutledge]

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Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[The_Voice]

For me, being as vulgar started with my older brothers. I hear them say things, I pick up on them, I repeat them (monkey see monkey do). For the majority of males, even brotherless ones, elementary school through high school is all about grossing your friends out, and hazing each other. This in turn leads to all the things you talked about, being vulgar in front of a child basically.

You wont re-educate us in your lifetime if you tried. I'm not trying to offend, just clarifying that this is how things will be probably forever. Have people always been this vulgar? In my opinion probably, but they just didn't show it as much. For males 10-30, in my circle at least, its all about one-uping each others stories about everything from women, to sickest thing we have done. From my experiences with people around the country my age, this seems to be a common theme.

Can things change? Yes, always. Will things change? No, most likely things will continue how they always have. Gross and offending stories passed down from generation to generation.

[David O]

Good morning JessicaVAM,

This is an interesting discussion. I find Amanda's comment to be an excellent starting point. I have a most exotic, 17 year old, dark skinned, tall (5'7") daughter who could easily be a model, and nothing bothers me more than to see 30-50 year old men drooling as she goes by. While I completely agree with you and am careful not to deliberately antagonize my beautiful wife (for I love her dearly and know the price of stupidity) or those around me, I would also suggest that a "righteous" approach to the goings on around us can sometimes create great distress at no one's expense but our own.

So how do you get it through to people that that is seriously inapproperate? How do you tell your husband shut the F*** up when he wants to tell you about another story about some perverted thing him or someone else has said?

To ask you to change your "morals and values" at this level would be inappropriate--- but a few inabilities to have sex because you are offended and hurt by his comments, and thereby can't muster the emotional closeness necessary to be intimate, can go a long way to "purifying" a man's tongue! I'm not suggesting a sexual game of with-holding as much as an open conversation about how these comments affect your ability to feel close and intimate, and that the longer they go on, the less able you are to be loving and affectionate. This is a simple truth in many relationships and one he must be made to understand. However, and this can become an issue-- many husbands will accuse their wife of using sex to control them. Given this, be very careful in how this is approached or whether to do so in the fist place.

David

Edited October 23, 2009 by David O