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stress and shadows


nancyannee
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That is what I see. shadows of people all around. I see them at a distance, and when I am really stressing I see them up close. I don't drive at night because these shadows and shapes line the roads. \

I am under so much stress that all my senses are on fire. The voices are louder, the smells are stronger, and the things that I see have more substance. My heart is racing. the pounding is making my head ache. and I am tired of pretending that I am fine. I buried my Mama today.

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Guest ASchwartz

Nancyannee,

When someone has lost their mother they are not fine for a long while because of the grieving. Can you tell us more about your relationship with your mother. I know that you said that her love was unconditional but I believe that you also mention some problems. Also, how are you coping with her death?

Allan

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Allan, Mama was close to many people. She made many friends. She "did her duty" She was emotionally unavailable and warped with bitterness about her lot in life. For the last five years, I have been her sole caregiver. I know she appreciated me and loved me in her own way. However, I will always regret our inability to communicate verbally and affectionately.

As to how I am coping....I am not sure. Financially, she was about 60% of my income. Her sudden death, although not completely unexpected was and is a shock. We are potentially just a few days from eviction. days from having all the utilities shut-off and at this point there are NO options. She always paid our rent and we paid the utilities and bought the groceries. On that end I am at a loss. Emotionally, if I allowed myself to really feel....I would be a basket case. I am trying to stave off that breakdown. A week or so before her hospitalization, I was considering entering into in-patient for my mental issues. My problems are getting the better of me. The voices are yelling now, the visions are becoming more clear. My heart feels like it is going to explode. It racings all the time. I feel like I am standing on a high cliff and the wind is about to blow me off....

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today I have to take my Mama's older sister, (86) to the vets office. they are going to want to put her 14 yr old dog to sleep. this dog is her child. My Aunt has dementia and refuses to believe it is her sister that died. She insists it was HER Mother. I don't know how I am going to makeit

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Hi nancyannee

You are on your way to a breakdown and need help fast! IMO!

You have got to stop caring for others at this time and start caring for yourself! I know this is your Aunt but... You have just buried your mother! Give yourself time to grieve!

You mention that your Aunt has Dementia. I can relate to what, looking after your Aunt entails. I used to work as a Support Worker for the elderly, in the community, for Seven Years. A lot of the elderly had Dementia and Alzheimer's. They are hard work! But... this is not there fault... it is no ones fault... It's the aging process. The Brain Cells dying off.

Do you know that Researchers reckon that, if you don't trouble with Dementia by the time you reach 84yrs old, then you never will?It's a catch 22 situation, which will you reach first... the death before you reach 84 or if you reach 84, then will you suffer from Dementia?

It sounds to me as if your Aunt is in the middle stages of dementia. Being 3 stages. The first stages is getting confused, frustrated, forgetful. Second stages remembering the good old days, going back to their childhood or young adulthood and the third stages being that they cannot recognise anyone? That is the heartbreaking stage!

I've listened to many of good tale that the elderly have told me. All about the war... How they used to live... What & when they worked/did... I've sat for hours just listening... Imagining what it was like!

It is also very frustrating for the person itself! They know that there's something wrong with them... But they don't know what? If you ever tell a person with dementia, that they have dementia, they will deny it till there black & blue in their face!

There Generation was very different in their day. When they was younger, if anyone of their family or any friend had mental problems, they was carted of to a mental institute. This is where you get the saying from (lock her up and throw away the key) Because that is what they believed happened! Even though it didn't (throw away the key I mean) But mental health as come so recognised now, where it wasn't in them days.

Could you not get help like Homecare or something to help you with your Aunt?

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It sounds to me as if your Aunt is in the middle stages of dementia. Being 3 stages.

She is beginning Stage three now...at the funeral she did not know anybody. she is forgetting her close family now.

Could you not get help like Homecare or something to help you with your Aunt?
they get daily visits from Home Health. her husbands daughter comes every week. it is not enough anymore....

But I have to realize I can't do it. My life is falling apart. I am gasping for air. my heart feels like it is going to explode. It is like an adrenalin rush that won't quit. How long will can I take it? I feel so misunderstood.--not here I might add. I appreciate your support Paula. your interest is heartfelt and I feel better for it. thank you...

nancy

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Hi nancyannee

they get daily visits from Home Health. her husbands daughter comes every week. it is not enough anymore....

I don't want to sound cruel or anything but... Do you not think that she would be better off in a Care Home, where she would have care 24/7? There are people there that are used to dealing with people that have Dementia and it would also take a strain of yourself, knowing that she would be cared for properly!

There is only so much a persons mind can deal with in one go!

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Do you not think that she would be better off in a Care Home, where she would have care 24/7?

That is not cruel at all. Those of us involved have tried that route...they have 2 dogs and 2 cats. everyone wants to leave the decision up to them. Which is ridiculous. I have been preaching to them for years about doing the right thing. See I am the family member that does everything....except handle the finances and legalities. which is fine but frustrating.

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That is not cruel at all. Those of us involved have tried that route...they have 2 dogs and 2 cats. everyone wants to leave the decision up to them. Which is ridiculous. I have been preaching to them for years about doing the right thing. See I am the family member that does everything....except handle the finances and legalities. which is fine but frustrating.

Sorry, you have confused me a bit here? Who wants to leave the decisions to who? Your not trying to tell me that the decisions, whether to put your Aunt in a care home, is left to the 2 dogs & 2 cats? Surely not! I will go no further on this till I have a reply!

If you are the family member who does everything, then this must surely include the financial side of it as well? Whoever s managing them, should also manage the rest of your Aunts needs as well! This is something you want to get across clearly, and crystal clear! ey have to accept the good with the bad, including the other side. Meaning that they should also get their hands dirty as well! If they are not prepared to do this then... you want to either tell them that its an all or nothing relationship? If they are not prepared to let you take care of her financial side of the affairs then tell them that yu will walk and let them take care of her themselves!

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noooo. sorry for the confusion...She refuses to go to assisted living because she can't take her animals. I do (or should say I did) everything EXCEPT the financial. A year ago due to the stress of taking care of my mom, my pdoc advised it would be in my best interest to step aside and let someone else take care of my Aunt.

So since I stepped aside, her step daughter takes care of the financial, and most everything else. I still get the middle of the night call about them being in a panic. and the calls about how to turn the thermostat down or up...all told about 10-15 calls a day. They now have life alert and I don't go rushing over there anymore, but the stress about their welfare is horrible, because the people with the ability to change their situation is leaving the major decisions to two people with dementia...

Quite frankly, I am tired of it all. I can't seem to do anything right and I don't know where to go from here.... I am usually pretty optimistic. I always see the bright side of things. I am in the dark and see no light in sight. before I do anything drastic, I will walk into my local ER and beg for help. I know I have too much to live for to give up, I just can't cope with everything.

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You have got to take it easy. For a while anyway? You are doing no favours for anyone like this are you? You have got to tell the rest of the family to start pulling their weight a bit! Well, at least for now anyhow!

You need to rest, take it easy for a while, really! Your going to end up being really ill yourself!

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