Horribly lonely.

[emptysoul]

so i really didn't know where to write this,

i usually post in 'new members' and 'personality disorders',

i hope it's okay i post here, if not, sorry.

i just feel so lonely at the moment

i'm running circles in my head, it's confusing

yesterday the guy i love 'the ex' came over after his therapy appointment.

He was in a good mood for once which was nice, but he told me he be thinks i am a lesbian and that he will be there for me when i am ready to come out, this really hurts, a fair bit. I told him i wasn't but he doesn't believe me, and then when i kissed him later on that night as i usually do because i do love him still, he said i was trying to prove a point and i didn't need to prove a point, but that wasn't what i was doing.

All we do is fight and i guess it is drifting us apart, and some days i know we should just go our separate ways, but i'm having so much problem letting go. I don't know if i'm finding it hard due to the fact i really do love him, or if i am scared of being alone.

i feel so lonely, i just want somebody to cuddle up to at night, i want somebody to share my days and nights with. Maybe i am just scared of letting go.

Sometimes i hate my moods, i really wanted to end it all tonight, life would be so much better just to leave this pathetic world, but like usual time everyone left the house and i was alone my mood switched and i no longer desired the idea. I never see things changing, i will always have flaws, i will always be jealous, i will always hate and i will never get anywhere in life, i'm so hopeless i can't even end this pathetic life.

how do i find happiness in this world?

i hate tv, i hate magazines, i hate everything the media tries to brainwash us with, and what the world finds 'beautiful', it makes me so angry and intimated, every website has images of girls, everything is always girls girls girls. Movies make me grumpy, going outside triggers me. Everything makes me feel so ugly and fat, and yes it does make me question my sexuality, i just want to stay in my room and sleep.

well i'll leave it at that before i go on a huge rant.

[emptysoul]

i look at girls because i feel jealous

but maybe i'm lieing to myself

maybe i am a lesbian, i'm so confused

[malign]

He went to counseling, and came back with conclusions about your life? I think he's got something backwards.

And you're believing him.

I would've told him I'd wait for him to come out, first. ;-)

[Dazed]

Thanks for sharing your story miss.

Anyway, changing perspectives can do a mountain of change. I'm not saying that it's easy especially if you find it easier to just feel sad rather than do something about yourself.

You can't change the situation that your ex is somewhat not that happy with you around but you can always change your perspective that you are dependent on him and his approval to I'm NOT dependent on him.

Sure, media is very good in brain washing but that's when we look at non-factual contents such as a super sexy (in reality, super skinny and super fake) woman being a beach model. But there are always factual or reality-based contents as well such as health campaigns launched by your local health ministry or by the government. Concepts such as love, mercy, compassion, and the like are realities as well as success stories. Those are meant to inspire us.

Face the fact miss, people aren't meant to be alone however, it doesn't mean that people should endure sharing his or her life to someone who causes nothing but pain. A person can be without a partner but not be alone since he or she is dedicated to a community or an organization. He or she can be dedicated to family. Whatever excuse you can come up with, its never enough for you to say "I'm alone" because there will always be people who are willing to accept you if you open yourself to them. Sure it may not be a boyfriend but it's a human being.

My advice to you is, go visit your church and start joining activities with other people. Choir, church hospital, church day care, lectors, etc. as long as it involves you and other people. Before you know it, you'd forgotten about your ex and you'll realize that you're not as ugly and worthless as you think and definitely not as your ex tells you.

God Bless,

[mscat]

He went to counseling, and came back with conclusions about your life? I think he's got something backwards.

And you're believing him.

I would've told him I'd wait for him to come out, first. ;-)

Humm Good point! Do you see the writing on the wall ?

[silentmist]

Hi emptysoul

The title of your post got my attention as I am usually deeply lonely myself.

I'm intrigued with your refering to the man you love as 'the ex'. I got a sense of anger from that, though I'm not sure why exactly.

It's obvious that if your aroused by and are having consentual sexual intercourse with a person of the opposite sex that your not homosexual, possibly bisexual but not homosexual.

If he's in therapy then it's safe to assume that he's having some problems that are causing emotional difficulties for him in his life as well.

Do you think it's possible that he's claiming that he thought you were a lesbian might hurt you and push your buttons? ... if you've been sexual parteners for a while chances are he'll know your insecurities and weaknesses. Perhaps his good mood was to groom you into a receptive and trusting frame of mind so that he could deliver a jab right into your heart. Maybe he was confident that he could hurt you and that is why he felt good. I'm not saying that he consciously schemed his behaviour, his intentions may well have been preconcious.

If the two of you were fighting a lot then there seems to be some kind of power struggle in the relationship between the two of you.

Perhaps the two of you are wanting from the other. That isn't wrong. I'v never had an intimate relationship with a woman but from my undestanding, love is about giving, desire is about taking.

Maybe the two of you could arrange a session with an appropriate therapist and ask what it is that the both of you want to give to the other and what you both want from each other.

I hope that you find what your looking for soon and that you discover a way to fulfill your needs.