Could Not Stop>

[mscat]

For the last few weeks it has been difficult . Difficult in therapy talking about the most hideous chilhood past experiences. I've SI'ed like too much even for me, and finally said something on Wed. about it to Steve, the therapist. The arm has been wrapped for a long time. He was not surprised , because it is what I do .However he left it up to me, not all that supportive though, and I actually was dreadfully in very much in pain.. More then ever thought necessary, and new it was too far, the Self harming.. Too much where it was making me want to throw up.

I did call and cancel my son's appointment, due to the car would not start, and had to again the following day, Steve did ask about the arm and if I mde the appointment to the out patient burn center/NO i have not yet, it's a hr and a half drive , and i do not want to go alone, my brother will be pissed off and i have to ask him to take me.

Finally the burns are not killing me with me today! More concerned about the car, though .The arm is jacked up with burns of different stages of healing> yes it needs to be looked at, and I am going to refuse skin graphs. They will give me more gauze for the arm , and I ought to get a perscription for pain meds. It ought to be ok> one visit only, the O/P burn center knows me, they don't 5150 me like the ER would, it is safe to go there. And it is where I really ought to be treated for the burns even if it is SI.

I just do not want DR. Domininc to come into the room, he's the surgeon, and sometimes they call him anyway to come in w/o my knowledge. That is embarrassing .

The hole I dig for myself. I feel as if I am a mole. If only I could escape!

[kaudio]

Hi mscat, from your post, I am worried for you. You mention that you may have gone too far with your SI, and that you have felt like you wanted to throw up. Your injuries seem serious and I think you need to make that appointment to this outpatient burn center at your earliest convenience. Even if your brother will be pissed off, priority should be given to addressing the injuries of your arm.

If you continue to feel worse, with nausea or feeling fainted or really weak, do not hesitate to call 911. I know you may feel embarrassed about the idea of Dr. Domininc showing up, but you will work through it. Hang in there.

[mscat]

Hi mscat, from your post, I am worried for you. You mention that you may have gone too far with your SI, and that you have felt like you wanted to throw up. Your injuries seem serious and I think you need to make that appointment to this outpatient burn center at your earliest convenience. Even if your brother will be pissed off, priority should be given to addressing the injuries of your arm.

If you continue to feel worse, with nausea or feeling fainted or really weak, do not hesitate to call 911. I know you may feel embarrassed about the idea of Dr. Domininc showing up, but you will work through it. Hang in there.

Thank you for you response. My brother came over to my place yesterday to clean. He is my caregiver/in home support worker. The state pays my sister n law to help my son and I with cleaning, grocery shopping , Dr.appointments .

I talked To Tim/brother about what the therapist said , going to have the arm looked at, he actually told me it was a good thing! I let him know I was going to call on Mon. for the appoint. And he said anytime, your my sister, I am not mad, and he was so Cool. I spent the rest of the day with him too. My car battery messed up right now, and he drove me all the way out of town in stormy weather for grocery shopping, and to let my son get his movies at the video store+ his Pizza.

I just need to go once because ofthe amount of pain even though I think it is secend degree burns there are a lot of them, in many stages of healing... Even though the arm has been kept wrapped the whole time, it has hurt like hell too. It is a huge amount of 2nd degree burns, i'll admit that, for a fact. I usually will wait untill a burn heals before I start SI again, but not this time. This time it continued, and this is where the problem emerged . The pain is not so bad if I am not moving around too much > However, I have and will admit it has become too far , even if it was just 2nd degree .

[kaudio]

Your brother does seem like a cool guy. I don't suppose there is any way for you to contact someone for an appointment on the Monday? If not, try to take things easy! You will work through this.

[finding my way]

Hi Cathy, would going a little bit slower with what you are dealing with in therapy help? Not fewer appointments, just lighten the intensity to a more manageable level maybe? Please take care.

[mscat]

Your brother does seem like a cool guy. I don't suppose there is any way for you to contact someone for an appointment on the Monday? If not, try to take things easy! You will work through this.

Yes, Monday Is when I told myself i'll make the appointment. Tommorow. My brother was very cool about it, thankfully. I am wondering when all hell is going to break loose? LOL

[mscat]

Hi Cathy, would going a little bit slower with what you are dealing with in therapy help? Not fewer appointments, just lighten the intensity to a more manageable level maybe? Please take care.

Fewer appointments, I see him only once a week, my son see him once a week> I did talk to him about past trauma experiences, too much shit. And then I read SI, Borderline personality books too, the combonation of the two were was what did it. Those books came in at the same time from the Library. then I just went on A SI binge< I have not si'd like this before , to this extent either, however I have severely SI'D worse then this in a different way> But this time the pain is much more significant at times.

i've been highly triggered lately , and become totally non stopped by it or my behavior which I continued on and on, and then the pain, did not hit me, until later on after a few hrs later. Sometimes the pain was there for days afterwards.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi mscat,

YOu know, I really think that sometimes we are too "psychologized." What I mean is that reading all of these books about si and about borderline stuff is enough to trigger behavior. What about reading a good romance novel or a mystery or an adventure story or science fiction or what about reading a comedy and laughing??? Really!

Allan

[Proverbs31:28]

Hey, Cathy. Just checking on you, hon. Did you get an appt for your injuries?

[mscat]

Hi mscat,

YOu know, I really think that sometimes we are too "psychologized." What I mean is that reading all of these books about si and about borderline stuff is enough to trigger behavior. What about reading a good romance novel or a mystery or an adventure story or science fiction or what about reading a comedy and laughing??? Really!

Allan

Good Idea Allen! Why get all caught up in all the crap, right? Esp, if it can be most triggering at times? I did not do that to intentionlly Trigger myselsf up for all of it though. ... It may have or not been part of it, or could have been a excuse. Hate the Romance novels, However, Love anything having to do with Dog stories. I am on a Yorkie Fourm as well, and that keeps me busy, my kind of people who share the same type of dog breeds as myself> That never becomes boring! We discuss Yorkies forever and a day on this site , LOL.

THanks,

Cathy

[mscat]

Hey, Cathy. Just checking on you, hon. Did you get an appt for your injuries?

I went to the Outpatient burn unit today> I was able to schedule an appointment Yesterday, and got in the following day. There is only one Big Burn center which is in Fresno... I live an Hr 1/2 away, however nearly all the nurses Dr's know me there.. Seriously they do from at least a couple of years of treatment from SI burns>

I was informed that some of the burns are deep second degree ones, and I did let them know that they were in different stages of healing because they were not done at the same time. In a few places it was the color green, Not good, So the Dr. just told me to what I needed to watch for infection, and to come back sooner , and if the pain was still real bad by next week. I did get a perscription for the pain too, and more stuff to care for the burns+ more strict instructions.. ANd if the burns are still not healing by the time I am suppose to go back to the next appointment they are going to want to do skin graphs> I pretty much Begged the Dr. Not to have Skin graphs though. At least I got her to wait and see approach. Even without using the very , very severe method of SI I Self harmed , still badly more than I knew , however, they have treated me for EVEN worse before... BUT, even so it is still scary that I damaged my arm up like this once more without even knowing it.

When this occurs I feel like a total idiot, because i see that as much as i felt like I had the SI under control , that it was not , and it went too far, to the point where it caused more serious harm then ment to. That is the problem that I have sometimes With self injury.

Cathy

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi mscat,

Oh, I feel worried about you and want nothing bad to happen to you. I guess I am puzzled, I must admit, about how to stop from doing this type of thing. I don't remember, but, are you in therapy? How can we help you get a real hold of this thing so that you do not hurt yourself any longer? Is there a signal of some kind that alerts you that it could happen?

Allan and worried

[mscat]

Hi mscat,

Oh, I feel worried about you and want nothing bad to happen to you. I guess I am puzzled, I must admit, about how to stop from doing this type of thing. I don't remember, but, are you in therapy? How can we help you get a real hold of this thing so that you do not hurt yourself any longer? Is there a signal of some kind that alerts you that it could happen?

Allan and worried

Allen and worried,

I've done Self harming since age 16, + had a bout with severe anorexia and Bulimia for 8 yrs> Dropped weight to 72 LBS at nearly 5'5. The Self harm came back badly at age 35 though worse then before, since then it has been a battle>

Yes I am in therapy and Yes being followed by a Psych DR too, and thinking about going to DBT group, however, not decided yet.

Unfortunatley I have done some severe SI which has led me in CCU , skin graphs, multiple times, + blood tranfusions , 5150's , ER's , Ambulance rides lights and Sirens, all that crap>

The last out patient appointment was not too much of a big thing, just that they know me all there, and my History, at least, because when as a patient on the burn ward, the Surgeon would due his rounds/discuss the patients/and one of them me/so that is how they all know + the psych team called my outside therapist too>

The last real big 'mess" was the chemical burn to the entire torso region> a huge area and deep third degree burns, as bad as they get. AND a big area>

SO the left arm being messed up like it is, can be dealt with, hopefully, easily. Still very painfully though . Extremely painfully> At least with the thirs degree burns, after the massive pain, their is no more pain, until the graphing, of ones own skin. Shoot, I know too much about burns!

I am not a cutter, yet a burner,and goes too far at times, then get too stupid and in physical pain for causing it to myself. that's what I get.

[Catmom]

Have you read anything by Jon Katz? I love his writing. One of his books is called The New Work of Dogs that discusses how virtually all dog breeds now have as their primary purpose (or work) to be our companions. In the past, many breeds had other primary work, like herding, tracking etc. Now that herding & tracking are unnecessary to our daily lives, dogs have adapted to being our companions primarily.

Katz is very controversial in the world of owners of Border Collies. They think he shouldn't be writing about Border Collie training & behavior because he has no true knowledge of the breed and they think he mishandled one of his dogs who was a biter. Ultimately, Katz had to euthanize this Border Collie because he couldn't trust it not to attack people.

I like this author because he writes beautifully and his philosophy if dog care does not clash radically with my own.

Let me know if you like it. It may help you direct yourself away from SI.

Catmom

[mscat]

Thanks Catmom for the suggestion, I will definately look into this book.