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In Darkness


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I'm 46 yrs old and new to this site. I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. By the time I was 18 I had been raped, terrorized, abused and molested by 15 different people - some of them more than once and for long periods of time. I was also physically abused by my mother.

I'm currently in therapy and struggling to figure out whether or not to live anymore. The memories haunt me, the pain is so great I think it might just be easier to die.

I feel very alone.

I am looking for someone who understands; someone who won't pat me on the head and tell me it will be okay, just give it time.

I am looking for some shred of hope.


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Is there such a thing as a shred of hope. I hope so, but I just can't find it. I know what you mean about "it's alright" "everything will be OK" comments, They just enrage me. I have been dealing with this for a long time and things have yet to be "OK", I ask them when, when will it be OK? They have no answer.

I too have an abusive mother. Not physically abusive, just emotionally and physiological abusive. I wish sometimes it had just been physical, I feel I can deal with that differently, but who knows. I had a physically abusive boyfriend in grade school up into high school. It was hard, painful and a very destructive time in my life but I was able to except it and move on, whereas with my mother that is not the case. To this day, it is still an emotionally abusive relationship on a daily basis. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she believes she is the mother that can do no wrong and will hang up on me if it gets to be a "blame game" in her words.

I feel my life has spun out of control and there is no light at the end of the tunnel I have created. I am unemployed due to the anxiety I feel away from my safe place (husband and home). I'm physically stressed and emotionally stressed and panicked EVERYDAY my husband leaves for work. This is a big issue for us, because I know it causes him a lot of mixed feelings. I feel like I'm 5 years old again and don't want to go to school. I talk to him several times a day, talk him into leaving work early, staying home and taking long lunches just to be with me. We have had a ton of problems. I experience separation anxiety the night before he goes to work and when he goes to work that morning. My sleeping and eating habits are horrible, my friendships are non existent or unhealthy and as much as I can identify with the black and white pages I have read, nothing offers any answers or relief.

I wonder, will this ever change? Will I ever be the person I was suppose to be? Our situation may not be the same, our pain may come from different places but our struggle for something better I'm sure is identical. I will never be the person that will tell you it will get better and pat you on the head, those are just cop outs for people that have no clue what it is like to us individually. That is what makes illness so hard!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree fully with the both of you. I hate it so much when my friends tell me to "just get over it" or "all you have to do is think positively." Neither of these are good statements and they infuriate me. It feels like no one will ever understand people like us, and most people don't even try to understand. Mental illness separates us from the rest of the world and it is really hard. I am not here to tell you that everything will be ok, but I am here to say that you are definitely not alone. I know it feels like it, it feels like you are utterly alone. But there are people who know who you feel. That's why I was really happy to find this website. I think this is the only place where I can express what I feel and not get weird looks from people. You just need to find someone who will listen to you and who won't judge you for your feelings. It's hard to find, but I know it's out there somewhere.

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Guest ASchwartz

Theresa_C, welcome to our community.

I agree with Aardvarkian that posting here is a source of support and people who will listen.

Dearandloating, and all of you, please know that having hope is essential.

I want to point something out to all three of you:

when you have suffered from being abused, and all of you have, you carry in you the mistaken idea that it was your fault for having been abused and that you deserved it. It's as though the voice of the person or persons who abused you is still in your head saying the same mean things to you as in the past.

Argue against that voice. Tell that voice to go away and tell your self that you deserve a good life. This is not a cure but it can help.

Do all of you get exercise and do you use meditation?


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The trouble with darkness is that it is so real and by it's very nature impossible to see directly. I have found exercise to be helpful over the years but when I'm in the darkness I don't really know it and don't believe exercise will make any difference. It's like I'm in a hall of mirrors but all those wonky reflections I see seem to have a perfect perspective. I have to wait until I'm starting to come out of it before I take the exercise, eat properly and try to 'de-wonk' my perspectives.

Some of those pesky circles are so viscious.

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