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Grams triggered something, now I'm run-down.


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Real quick, to set the scene a little, my grandmother is 70 years old and she works herself like a plow horse even with only 46% of her heart working. Her husband only has 23% of his working after a massive heart attack. Still, they both run a catering business from out of their home. I've helped with the business since I was 13, and I know how stressful this job can be. But I can only imagine the stress it puts on Grandma as she does mostly all the major work (the cooking, the baking, the cake decorating.)

Over the weekend she gave us all a scare. She called me up at 10:30am on Saturday asking if I knew how to bring up one's blood pressure. She said, "My blood pressure is 77 over 36, and I'm real dizzy-headed. When I stand up, I feel like I'm about to fall down."

I wake my aunt up and we rush out there to help. I'm already worked up and have been trying to stop crying, but to no avail. I'm terrified I'm going to lose my grandma that day. Turns out my uncle and his girlfriend are (as per usual) running very late to do their job. Me and my aunt get there before my uncle and try to convince her to go to the hospital, but she won't hear a word of it while there's still work to be done.

We roll up our sleeves and get to working, cutting rolls, covering trays for party spreads, various food-prep, whatever needs done. My uncle shows up 5 minutes after we do. I know this put stress on my grandma and pap, but they needed the help more than they needed to worry about me ratting my uncle out to the cops. (Me and my uncle don't acknowledge the other exists. He hates my guts and my family blames me for his Sex Offender status and his time spent in jail. But he's an alcoholic and he shouldn't have raped me. ...So, whatever, f*** them all.) By law he's not supposed to be within 100 feet of me, so I could tell he was pissed to see me there. As far as I see it though, if he's such an awesome son, then why wasn't he there when he was supposed to be.

All I could think about was grams. She looked so frail and on the verge of bawling when we came in. I've only seen my grandma cry twice, ever. But, the more people that showed up, the less frazzled she started to look. Even after all the work was done and the food was sent out though, she still wouldn't go tot he hospital. Last she was in, they almost killed her with Heparin. Ever since, she's been having spontaneous nosebleeds.

I'm so worried about her. She's not just our grandma, she's played mom to all the grandkids. I'd go so far as to say she's 'Mom' to a lot of people. She's raised me since I was 10, raised my cousins for the most part, and is generous to a lot of the people she knows. The thought of losing her is terrifying to me. This family will crumble to nothing after all hell breaks out.

I've been fine these last two weeks. Relatively happy and able to get out of bed with my head held up, no real fatigue. But ever since Saturday, I'm so run-down. Just a week before I was waking up before my alarm set for 8am. I was smiley and bouncy, now I'm overcast and grey.

My friend tells me I have a pre-occupation with death. But I suppose anyone would after losing both parents and having to attend a funeral sometimes more than once a year as a young child. My family are all older and ailing. I'm losing what little people I have left in my life slowly and it hurts so much to watch. Last year in June, I lost my mother's mother and I was unable to attend the funeral because it was held in less than a week after her death, and I was broke and out in Illinois, a 11 hour drive from Maryland. It cut at something deep and I turned back on all my convictions under the guise of 'gotta go back cause I'm poor' and returned to Maryland. Really, I knew that my Dad's Mom wasn't going to last much longer herself and I couldn't stand the thought of not being with her before it happened, so I moved back.

I just don't want to lose her just yet. It's selfish, but I want her around for one last Thanksgiving. She's gotta teach me all about the stress-inducing workload of putting together a delicious spread! XP Not to mention, my boyfriend/fiance is flying in from England for the holiday and I desperately want her to meet him and for him to gain her approval. It would be a joy if she could last until our wedding day, but, I have heavy doubts for that. But if she gets to meet Seb at least, I'll feel more at ease when she passes.

This is probably not in the right field. It could effectively go under 'Bipolar' as this could be a cycle that was triggered, but, I don't even know if I -am- bipolar. A shrink here or there as made theory, but no one's confirmed. Another friend of mine swears I am, and that my cycles are scary to watch when they're extreme. I just want to think this is a stress-induced depression and leave it at that though.

Just sucks. I was doing so well and now I'm finding it hard to roll out of bed again. -.-;;

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Wow, your poor gandmother. What a shame the elderly in this country still have to work like this. It's a real shame. About you depression I often suffer the same way you do. Mine comes very fast and stays with me for a long long time after something bad happens. I have no real advice just try to help your grandmother all you can. That would make me feel a little better knowing I was taking some of the stress of her back. Feel better.

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