Me. Getting it out. (long)

[fear&loathing]

I have been diagnosed BPD, ADD, Depression, and most of the anxiety disorders. I have taken test, drugs, been in therapy and yet I don't feel as though I have come any further from where I was. Things are just different but not better.

Childhood- My father was a drug and alcohol addict who kidnapped me once when I was 3 years old. I still have bad dreams of it and a very vivid memory of the experience. My mother left him after that and he went to prison on numerous charges. We were very poor since my father was the bread winner with the high paying job and my mother had little skills. We moved to Fl and lived very uncomfortably until I was 6. My mother had a lot of boyfriends, all who I resented to the point of making me sick. She would abandon me for long periods of time with strangers, babysitters or my grandparents. I had a love hate relationship with her and still do. I didn't like the men in her life, I hated her having sex and would pace all night until they would stop or the man would go home. She would make me feel guilty for her having to date men so I could have a father. She always put me down, was very manipulative and had uncontrollable mood swings. When I was 4 she started working and leaving me at daycare. The lady that ran the daycare would take care of me, and a lot of times I would go home with her for days while my mother was no where to be found. When I started school, that meant I was old enough to take care of myself and would be home until 9:00PM at night while my mother was at work. On the weekends when she worked at a restaurant/bar and would take me with her, sleeping under the bar until 2:00-3:00AM in the morning. I always just wanted to run away but then she would pull me back and make me love her again. We moved a lot and when I was 6 she meet a man 30 years her senior. We lived with him, before moving to Wisconsin where we lived a pretty normal happy life. My childhood was enjoyable and almost Norman Rockwell like. When I was 10 he died of a heart attack. That 4 years was the only good part of my life, I loved him more than anything, I was his daughter and it felt good. We moved back to Florida and it all went back to misery.

Middle School/High School- My mother worked long hours and after work she would go to a boyfriends house. I pretty much lived alone from 10-17 years old. When I started middle school I meet a guy who was 3 years older than me and lived 2 blocks away. We started dating when I was 12. It became the second worse relationship. He was physically abusive. We would have sex and then he would get upset and beat me. My mother started to pick up on what was happening and forbid me to see him. It never stopped us (I don't know why) and she continued to not come home. I was in and out of court on aggravated battery charges. I was in and out of therapy for it as well. A year into the relationship with him and I started fighting back. It became a match to see who could make the other one bleed more. We would beat the crap out of each for hours on end. As we got older, 15-17 range He would beat up guys I went to High school with for talking to me, he would follow me to my friends houses, he would ram guys cars that were parked in my driveway and push them into the street with his truck to get the guy to come out and then beat him up. He would take me to school and then decide he was upset with me and drive me far from home and make me get out of the car and walk several hours home. In high school I was rarely ever there. I had "Incomplete" for grades and eventually dropped out in my sophomore year. I also lived at safe homes for abused women for weeks on end when the school realized what was going on. I had fallen so far behind in 8th, 9th and 10th grade I suffer now with no diploma or education. I hate him for that. I hate my mom for allowing it and I hate myself for not changing it. There was another guy that lived across the street from my abusive boyfriend. They were some what friends and I knew him the same time I meet my boyfriend. We started dating when I was 17, my abusive ex made his life hell until one night my abusive ex broke into my house while my boyfriend was there. They fought for awhile, my abusive ex took out a gun and my boyfriend grabbed a knife and luckily cut him 24 times before my abusive ex dropped the gun. He laid in my arms bleeding to death, he cut him 1/2 inch from his juggler vain. I wish he had died. After that, my boyfriend got us an apartment just so I didn't have to stay in that house and that neighborhood. I was in Juvenile detention for blowing up mailboxes with home made bombs, theft and forgery. I had a drug and alcohol problem and it caused a lot of fights for my boyfriend and I who did not do drugs or drink. We were on again off again.

Young adult to present- My on again off again became my husband 6 years ago. Prior to us getting married he up and left me 2 times, both times no phone call, no note, no contact. This was devastating to me. The first time he was gone for a little over a year before coming back. The second time he was gone for a week. It broke me down and me very untrustworthy of men. I dated a lot when we were off and on. When we got married we moved to Wisconsin (looking for the happy time I had as a child). After living there for several months my husband got ready for work one morning, left and didn't come back for 8 months. I was stranded with no friends, family or money in Wisconsin. I felt suicidal. I moved down to Florida and lived with my mom and her new husband. It was my childhood all over again. I did everything I could to get out of her house. The stress of everything drove me to drink and I was arrested for DUI and was fired from one of my many jobs. My life was out of control. My husband showed up into my life and he hasn't left me since, that was 4 years ago. Now, because of all of that I don't trust him and treat him like a baby. Taking him to work, calling him all day long, throwing fits mainly on Sundays and in the morning before he goes to work. I stay home all day locked up in the house worrying if he is going to leave me. I have tried everything and just feel like I have lost control of myself. I get so bored. We have very bad credit, I have had over 150 jobs since I was 18. My husband and I have moved 44 times since we have been married 6 years ago. We struggle everyday and he makes over 90k a year. I just can't sit still and be happy. I have to constantly be changing my surroundings. I'm always throwing things away to buy them new again, I buy a new car every year....spend...spend...spend. My husband has a really good skill but he can never build a career because I can't stay in the same place. His last job he was at for 3 years which is incredible. Instead of moving to far away places where he would have to change jobs, we would move within the area. We sign a year lease, then move out in 2-6 months. 7 1/2 months in the longest I have lived in the same house since I was a kid. This makes it very hard to find willing landlords but I'm very resourceful and have found LOTS of tricks to cheat the system. We have 5 car repossessions because of wanting new cars and not wanting to pay for the old ones. The last repossession I got smart and found how to get the repossession to show up as paid in full. It resulted in the repo man getting his license taken away by the state of Florida but I don't care because it is like a drug to me to be able to change all the time. I have really no friends. People say I'm abrasive, uncooperative, controlling and defiant. I have horrible dark thoughts when I'm awake and asleep. I'm scared of everything and find the dark side to it. We go on vacation in the woods for a week and I'm up till 4:00AM stressing that someone is going to break in, torture and kill us. Even our vacations are stressful. My husband is constantly tired and I'm afraid he is going to leave me again because we just aren't enjoying our life together.

So this is where I am. Wondering what to do. We recently moved to West Palm and my husband just started a new job and I have already been sending his resume out to move us to Montana. In my moving I'm always looking for the next safe place. I don't know how to stop moving, stop raging, stop stressing and have a comfortable life. My fear is this won't stop until I'm dead. Death in itself scares me, getting old scares me and sometimes I think ending my own life is easier just because then I won't have to worry about whom, what or when someone else is going to kill me. Death and being alone are my biggest fears and it is out of control.

I know this is very long, but just getting some of these things out might allow me some sleep right now. I have been up 22 hours and this is the first time I feel calm enough to close my eyes.

Thank you!