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Gosh, damn it:(


mscat
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I need to vent:mad:

It is my own doing, yet it never fails that I manage to go too far with self injury, then suffer the brutal consequences for weeks to come, that is not an exgeration!

The last SI was a while ago, and now while the burns heal, I get to suffer in agony, the trauma, of bandages sticking to no skin, that's right, even though it is healing, there are nerves coming together, which i have sensation, oh mother of God, kill me now, Go ahead and laugh, it is funny and ironic isn't it? So it is where the SI lands and the painful injuries still keeps on giving, and giving. i am supposed to go back to the burn unit appoint, tues, if it is noy healed well enough bythen skin graphs are in order, F*** that too. Rather suffer the pain> ANd it is Hell, more then worse then the actual Si believe it or not it is>

I can barely type this, i keep messing up, and re do all these words. I've taken the vicodin, 2tabs and 6extra strengths tylenal. Waiting for this pin to subside.

I have to get off my fat ass and clean this place up> there is an inspecion tomorrow am> we are in low income apts. Things have to be spotless. my dog , is pad trained, i have to clean up after her, the bathroom ect. my son, is a teen, and been difficult, and SO here i am , Somebody shoot ME, The fat cow is down, and needs to be put out of her misery. How pathetic.

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Please don’t put yourself down. I know for some of us it’s natural. I do it all of the time. We care about you and we know that you are struggling. I know that you are in a lot of pain right now. The few times that I burned myself in the past (nothing compared to what you’re going through, I know) made me never want to do it again. It hurt too damn much. I understand about hating what the si does to you, and yet still being pulled back again. For me it is only scars, but it still makes me so sad that I did this to myself. So sad that I fell into the trap that is self-injury. Be kind to yourself and take care of those injuries. Is there anyone who can help you clean up for tomorrow, maybe lighten the load a bit?

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My brother and his family are my in home care providers. They are supposed to be helping my son and I with these very things! They get paid through the State!

However, He chooses not to work on Thursdays:( I could not get into the house cleaning , and procrastinated .My son got on my nerves, because he went off talking about bad stuff, that happend to him 6yrs ago, be bullied by older kids> i hate it, when he focuses on the negative, and remembers things so far into the past, that i can't do anything about it anymore! He goes on and on about stuff , being on the autism spectrum, he makes me sometimes, go absolutely batty. And he's a teenager, so he quickly knows when he's pushed mom's buttons too far. i told him I needed to change the bandages on my arm, he kept trying to come in my rm. i was getting more and more furious. He does not need to see the arm, all bloodied and torn apart. I am trying to protect him , he does not understand, and he is giving me one heck of a difficult time!

My brother does not show up, he says he is going to today's special olympics, my child's huge, day, I want my brother to video cam, it. Use my video camera !

hen my brother flakes out ! doesn't call, nothing! I can't go, the inspection. i feel betrayed .Hurt, emtionally, very badly once again. He does not even know it, my stupid brother once again. He lied to me, I hate being decieved.

i called my brother today, told him not to come over and clean> everything is done, the inspection is all over, they came inside, did there thing, took the pictures .I missed my boy's very important day. I hate my brother. The are getting paid to help us out, however sometimes when we need them the most, they are not there, and I think they are at there most worst , full of lies and deception.

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I don't know if what i've done in my past would be classed as self harm but i have felt a very big compulsion recently!

Let me explain,

When i was young, 8 onwards, whenever i used to get really angry,upset with myself or aggitated i used to want to release it some how. Cause myself pain! I have never cut, not because of the pain but other reasons.

I started punching walls, hitting my arms with them i would pick my feet, with scissors. I was trying to deal with the feelings i was having,anger,aggitation and i guess the pain and sometimes sadness and emptiness i had inside too.

This would gaive me some relief and i guess some peace for a moment in time!

When i got older however, i changed. I started having a tattoo!

This probably sounds really strange, it was the process. The discomfort wasn't just a initial, a tattoo can take hours! It gave me a high!!

I guess it was the whole process and i could really choose my scars too. I haven't had one for nearly 4 years now, though if i am honest, i will admit i have really thought alot about it recently!

Does this sound weird to you?!?

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Tattoo's (cough, cough) no . I have , several , LOL :) A tattoo junkie. ANd what I have heard is that getting tat's is not Self injury, because it is being done to you, not being done by you>

Tracey, My whole right arm is covereved with tats, and both sides of my neck, my left forearm, and on the left side of my leg. I just went in yesterday to my tat shop to talk to them about what I'd like to have done next. Oh and I also have little paw prints on each of my fingers 2 of them on each finger .

Then, There's these major, severe Burn scars, from SI. ABout the experiences that you had as a younger child, though. I would classify that behavior as a budding , SI'er. Actually i had done simallar thing too, but it was with a safety pin on the palms of my hands and i was 12. There were other things, but that is close to what you had done .

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