Trying to stay out of hospital!

[tracey.f]

I wish i had some answers to the questions that are flying around my head!

I seem to have everybody i know looking at me, waiting!!!!

I know my medication isn't working, i know i am going further down my bipolar path. I KNOW that my husband knows this too, he told me earlier!!

I've tried to be as discreet about this as i can be. Maybe i've been trying to hide from it myself, i thought i had this covered...

My husband sits me down earlier as my eldest son has a club he goes to on mondays after school. I was going to take him, this is when he tells me that he has sorted it out, that another family member is going to take him for me!. I tell him i don't get i? I know i find being around people i don't know at the moment basically impossible but we are talking about my son, i can do it!! I will not give in to my illness , i refuse to do that, i don't do that, i wont let it win!. If i even think about doing that, i am so Screwed.( sorry about the language, couldn't think how to put it any other way! )

Edited May 18, 2009 by tracey.f

[malign]

Hi tracey; I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time.

I was wondering: what does it mean to you, to "give in to this illness"? Imagine that this was a serious case of some physical disease, say pneumonia. Would you question having to take some time off of your regular activities, to rest? Would you question going to the hospital, if you got sick enough? Would it be something you felt you had to keep secret?

I can understand the desire to get better as fast as you can. That kind of fighting spirit is bound to be helpful, both for physical or psychological illnesses. But there's really no reflection on you as a person, if you need to take some time for yourself, to get better. It doesn't make you a "bad person" to be ill, whether physically or mentally.

[tracey.f]

Sorry, i needed to get my brain in some type of working order. Even thinking can get noisy or too load at times.

I don't know if you can understand that!?!

Hi Malign,

You do like to ask some difficult questions, don't you !?! I do appreciate input, so i'm more than happy to talk, if that's ok ?

I'm trying so hard to keep it as much together as i can right now, though i think you may have misunderstood exactly what i was saying.

What i was trying to say was, I am the only reason i'm still going right now (well, my husbands alt of the time! )

The reason i can't give in to my illness is, not only because i am afraid that if i do i will never find my way back! That if i give in to my illness,then i might just give up, i may just lay down and i don't know what that will do to me!

To be honest, i don't really want to find out if i can help it. It could just finish me off!!!

I know i'm not a bad person ( I hope not anyway! ) just not very nice things are happening right now.

I don't like Doctors too much anymore i'm afraid though that isn't entirely all fair! My previous psychiatrist and some of his team have a lot to answer for, they weren't exactly helpfull at times. When i was in and out of hospital!

I evev avoid my family Doctor if i can, i've seen too many doctors over the last 6 years or so.

I haven't seen a psychiatrist since i changed mine in february, not that i haven't tried to get an appointment though. Couldn't see me, no appointments!

I have had several admissions into hospital, they unfortunately end up lasting quite a while,usually 3 months. I can become quite unwell when my medications aren't working or they are trying to play about with new combos.

The only Hospital that i trully trust is the Maudsley Hospital, in London. A specialist Hospital, one of the best in this coutry. I have been lucky to have been treated by them,they diagnosed me several years ago and have seen me a couple of times since!

There are no beds in the local hospital and thats if you could convince me or my husband to think about it, as far as my husband is concerned,he can take better care of me at home!

I had to beg my new psychiatric team to see me, they were going to leave me until the end of june!!!

Even with my psychiatric history, WELCOME TO THE SYSTEM!

Hopefully i can get refered back to london or a miracle arrives on friday, with a new medication that can help me, I can HOPE, i still have that, ( JUST ). I HAVE TOO !

You find anyway you can to get by, you have to,i'm just trying to get by!! GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION!

Edited May 18, 2009 by tracey.f

[nancyannee]

tracey, you hang in there until you can be seen by those you trust. Your husband sounds like a great support and you are lucky to have each other.

malign makes a good point about what if the illness was pneumonia or something like it???? (he always makes me see the light!) when you put it that way, it all makes sense.

I can relate to the part about letting your illness get ahold of you. sometimes I feel like it will grip me and I will never find my way back. If I acknowledge it and talk about it, I may not be able to hide it anymore. or pretend I am okay, when inside I am screaming!!!

My thoughts are with you and I hope things are better for you soon.

nancy

[paula]

Hi Tracy

I can relate to you exactly with regarding your Bipolar! As a sufferer of this myself, the ups and downs are awful!

I don't like Doctors too much anymore i'm afraid though that isn't entirely all fair! My previous psychiatrist and some of his team have a lot to answer for, they weren't exactly helpfull at times. When i was in and out of hospital!

I evev avoid my family Doctor if i can, i've seen too many doctors over the last 6 years or so.

I haven't seen a psychiatrist since i changed mine in february, not that i haven't tried to get an appointment though. Couldn't see me, no appointments!

I have had several admissions into hospital, they unfortunately end up lasting quite a while,usually 3 months. I can become quite unwell when my medications aren't working or they are trying to play about with new combos.

The only Hospital that i trully trust is the Maudsley Hospital, in London. A specialist Hospital, one of the best in this coutry. I have been lucky to have been treated by them,they diagnosed me several years ago and have seen me a couple of times since!

There are no beds in the local hospital and thats if you could convince me or my husband to think about it, as far as my husband is concerned,he can take better care of me at home!

I had to beg my new psychiatric team to see me, they were going to leave me until the end of june!!!

Even with my psychiatric history, WELCOME TO THE SYSTEM!

I have had my fair whack myself to admissions to hospitals! I also know what you mean regarding the Psychiatrist situation! As I too live in the UK, that there have been times when I have gone months before seeing my Psychiatrist. They think that your illness is going to be alright till they get to see you again? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said to my Psychiatrist a couple of month ago, 'we are all just a number in your little Black book? When he has seen his patients, then he books you in for another appointment say, 3 months away, & that is the last he thinks of you till he meets up with you again?'

It is only since I was put on the at risk register, that he has started seeing me on a monthly basis, stating that, with me having to see my doctor and Therapist on a weekly basis, he thought that was adequate enough time to see me! What about me in all this, I mentioned to him and he said this is what he has arranged it for, because he states that this is all about me? I told him that, that was the biggest load of Bull**** that I had ever heard!

I asked him what was I supposed to do with my moods, feelings, the way I am feeling day in day out, not knowing one day till the next. His reply was 'that is why your on the at risk register?' So... I told him that have I got to try and kill myself before anything is done?

I'd love to have a job like them! Lets face it, all they do is sit around and try and get you to talk!

Anyway, enough of me droning on! You look after yourself Tracy, do what you have too!

[tracey.f]

Hi guys, Thanks for your support, it really does mean a great deal to me!. It wasn't the best of days in this circus i call life but! Today,? I guess it hasn't been too bad, i made it through!

I don,t want to bore you, so run for cover now if you don't want to hear this.

I just wondered if i was the only person who had this with my illness?!? So i thought all i could was to ask!!!!!

Would you like to know what i find strange, sometimes confusing and then sometimes even fascinating about this.? It's not the rapid cycling part ( I have never knowm any different really, so. ) It's the awareness i have! I'm cycling very fast at the moment, you know, mood changes, whats so hard for me is the complete clarity that i have of them. Of ever subtle shift inside!

it's hard to cope with that knowledge, at times anyway1

Some of you may think that's a good thing, i guess, i could see why that may seem like an advantage to some people. I would be in a position to be able to make Doctors,Family or others exactly what is going on and where i was coming from!

The thing is, for me, i don't find it good knowing that i am on my way down, NO, NOT JUST DOWN, down to my own personal despair and that there is nothing i can do but wait and see how far i am going to fall this time!

To know that if you let a tear fall, except you know it won't stop at just one tear. It would become a sob! A sob from so deep that it feels like you are going to rip in to pieces. You fight to just try to stay intact! it can be so exhausting putting yourself back together again!

The HIGH! who doesn't like the high? RIGHT? I just wish it wasn't all so extreme, you know?

Your thoughts start to race, your concentration goes to pot and in the end i feel like i'm running around like a headless chicken! ( Not that i know what a headless chicken feels like of course. hope i didn't offend anyone, or a chicken!)

Being totally aware of every piece of this process! It can, I don''t know!

I just don't know, would ignorance be Bliss? Better?

I guess not.

Hope you haven't all fallen asleep on me!

Hugs,Tracey

Edited May 19, 2009 by tracey.f

[smallstar]

hi Tracey, nah you're not boring, that's just how things come out when you have a lot on your mind. I just wanted to say that I think you are correct in saying that ignorance is in fact bliss, I have always believed that, maybe not complete ignorance, obviously, but on certain things that you're all too aware of, things that most people don't even let enter their head, but once it's in you can't get it out. Like the knowledge is just burnt into your brain. Yup, so in some cases I would totally agree that ignorance is bliss.

[paula]

No Tracy, we have not all fallen asleep and no, you are not alone on this one. Like I mentioned, I too suffer from Bipolar. You always know that after the rapid cycling, comes the dreaded down side of this thing! At the moment I am just getting over my down side of things which, like I mentioned previously, nearly had me meeting Mr death this time! So much so... that I was convinced that this time was going to be the last time that I ever have to go through this process again, but... look, I am still here, just about. I am getting there once again, and once again, am dreading the unthinkable dreaded when my rapid cycling decides to draw an end once again!

Hang on in there Tracy, we are all here for you!

[malign]

Ignorance might be bliss, but you wouldn't know it! :-)

Knowing is only harmful if you don't know how to change things, then you do feel helpless. Maybe what's needed is more knowledge: what to do when you start to feel bad. Is there somewhere (therapy, for instance) where you could learn some possible ways of coping with these swings?

[tracey.f]

My doctor issues!

This is going to sound, WELL, i don't know how this might sound to you actually!?!

You mentioned about how you would obviously deal with a physical illness, if you had a problem!!!

Well, actually i avoid that aswell if i can, unless i'm left with no other choise. If i actually feel really bad, i do go! ( I KNOW,STUPID,STUPID,STUPID )

It would probably sound warped to you but i do have my own reasons ! Enough said !

Anyway, ENOUGH about ME, i want to know how you are all doing?

Nancy, how are you doing at the mo? have you been to the doctors? Are you doing a little better?

Paula, thanks for your answers before! I'M interested on if you are still improving on the new medication your on? How ARE YOU doing?

Smallstar, we haven't spoken really, so how are you? thank you for your reply, it's nice to know that though you can sometimes feel on your own, your actually not! Please keep in touch!

Malign, How are you? Thanks for YOUR help too, it's been nice to talk. Even if i can find it hard at times. Keep in touch too.

NOW,Lets move on to another page, someone else who needs some help.

I will never forget your help, THANK YOU!

Thanks, Tracey.