Hello I am new here

[mangogirl]

Hi everyone,

I am a 26 years old female, living in Scotland, and married for almost a year now. Lately I've been feeling very low, and it seems to get worse by the day. I was looking online for signs of depression, and I also done a online depression test. (54 or higher score suggested severe depression and my score was 75), then I came accros this forum, hoping that I can find some answers here, and be the part of this community.

I didn't have a great childhood, I have to mention this because I think that is one of the main reasons why I am, who I am today if that makes any sense. When I was 18 I moved from my home country to Scotland, and I had to face many obstacles. I think I lost my personality, and confidence along the way. It was hard to adapt being in a different country. In the last few years, things got pretty worse in my life, I didn't make any friends, and I stayed in my house most of the time. I was pressurized to get married by my mother. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get married, but I think I needed more time. I was in therapy for 6 months just to get ready to face my wedding because I hate being in the centre of attention, and knowing that I had to talk to strangers, absolutely horrified me. I stopped going to therapy after my wedding, it didn't help much to be perfectly honest. My marriage doesn't work either, my husband works all the time, and I feel so distant towards him. I don't let him close, he hurt me in the past (not physically), and I think I just don't want to get hurt again. So here I am, lost, helpless and hopeless, can't seem to get anything out of life, I can't enjoy it, and I don't see the light or the way out of here...

thanks for listening!

[Kalima]

Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing.

I started posting on the community a good few weeks ago now, I'm in the UK. Since I've been here it was sugested to me that although looking online can be helpful that sometimes seeing your GP or counceling/theapy is probally of more use.

Are you currently seeking any help not online? If not can I recomend you speak to your GP about options? It helpped me, even if it was just to know someone was willing to listen but was more than what I had.

All the best Kali.

[fear&loathing]

Do you think you are able to talk about what your husband did to you to lose your trust in him with us?

Have you talked to him about couples therapy?

Is there anyone in your life whom you are close to?

I can imagine why you are depressed. You are living in a marriage you do not find fulfilling. Did you lose part of yourself when he hurt you? Did you lose part of yourself when you got married. I know I did when I got married. My husband also hurt me by leaving me 3 times with no reason or contact. I have very little trust in him now when it comes to that and it takes a toll on me. I have seen friends who also have lost them selves after getting married and they find it hard to balance the "marriage" time with the "me" time. I hope you choose to open up to us some more. I think couples therapy and even individual therapy for both of you (since he did something to hurt you) would be beneficial. It does seem to work for some people, I think it just depends on how long it is until you see some results.

[mangogirl]

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate it, it's good to know that there are some people here who understand me.

I am very lonely, I have three cats, they bring me the biggest joy in my life, but I can't talk to them. I am not close to my husband, when he gets home he just does his own thing (watching Tv, playing video games, surfing online), we hardly do anything together, I mentioned couple's therapy to him, but he just laughed and said that there is nothing wrong with us. I don't want to have sex with him either, because i don't trust him anymore, I don't think he wants me, because I know that I am not his type (sexually), his first girlfriend was a Japanese girl, and he absolutely loves their culture (he lived in Japan for a few years), and their oriental looks, and I am European, so I just know that he has desires for something else. And he cheated on me several times with Japanese girls (he had magazines and porn movies) That is cheating in my eyes, and it confirms that he just wants something totally different than me. So I feel that I am not good enough for him.

I am not close to anyone. My mother and I talk on the phone everyday, but it's just a polite conversation, I never opened up to her, she is very controlling, and mentally abusive, and all my life I had to do what she told me to do, there was no other option. I don't want to go into details, but it was really horrible to live with her and my dad, and that's why, when I was 17 I ran away from them to a relationship and I never looked back. So in a way my husband was my saviour. He was my first and only serious relationship.

It might sound strange, but I am absolutely horrified talking to people, doctors, people in the street, or people who work in supermarkets, or shops. It's an ordeal for me to go to these places in case someone wants to talk to me. I have no confidence, and I hate the fact that I am not one of them, I don't have their local accent, and they look at me strange when I talk to them, because I am not from here. You might think that's just in my head, but it happened several times, when people actually asked me where I am from, and they treated me differently. Even my husband's sister corrected me rudely the very first time I met her, because I said something wrong.

I don't think I could go to my GP, the only time I went to the hospital, when it was an emergency. I had lots of ambition, I wanted a career, I wanted to work, I wanted to be around people, and have friends. I am a nice person, but somehow all my desires and hopes dissapeared, and now I am in my own prison that I created for myself, and I can't get out.

[fear&loathing]

I do understand you in some regard about speaking with people. I to had a mentally abusive mother. Funny enough, we to used to speak everyday up until 2 months ago and as much as she drives me crazy and I would like to say a 1000 nasty things to her, I don't and we keep it a very superficial. She was also impossible to live with. I think because of her criticism of me, I'm now AFRAID to death of other people criticizing me. I fear I will say something to stupid or look stupid. I do not go to the grocery store or shopping by myself for fear of looking dumb. I will refuse to use the restroom or ask for help in public. I have all of these what ifs in my head....what if my credit card is declined, what if I don't have enough money, what if people are looking at me, and on and on. If I'm the center of attention and had a couple of beers then I'm much more comfortable and worry very little about all the what ifs. It's like I have two different personalities and they come and go depending on the people around me, my mood, alcohol consumption, and how I feel about myself that day. No matter what, I'm dreadfully afraid of being criticized and I think that is what holds a lot of people back. I to had dreams of being successful, which I know I could be, but for some reason I can't allow myself to do the things necessary to make myself happy. Isn't that weird?

Have you ever thought about leaving your husband?

Here is a personal question. Lets go to pretend land for a moment...If you woke up tomorrow and you had confidence in yourself and you won the lottery, you would be set for life with no worries.. would you leave your husband?

I found it lovely that you have 3 cats which you care for very much. I have 4dogs and a bird and they are everything to me. At one point I had 12 dogs, 3cats and 3 birds and I thought I was going to drive my husband crazy...He is not as big as an animal lover as I am. I rescued all of them so once I trained them and improved there ability to find a good home, I eventually brought the number to what I have now. A number my husband says he can live with. LOL. I guess when it is so difficult to connect with people, we find love and security in our pets. I know my dogs are the only things that make me feel like I have a purpose, I couldn't imagine being without them. I'm sure that is how you feel about your cats and I think it is great you have them.

[mangogirl]

I honestly don't know if I woud leave my husband or not. If I had confidence, a place to live, and know how to be totally independent I think I would leave him, or at least go away from him for a while. Seperate from him for a few months until I would know for sure, if he really loves me or not. Maybe I am the one to blame, and I am not letting myself closer to him, but I just couldn't survive another betrayal by him.

I know exactly how you feel about talking to people. I am the same, I don't usually drink, but when I have a glass of wine or two, I find myself more confident, and I am able to talk to people, not much just a few words, but that is a huge improvement compare to when I am sober. When I am around people, I want to become this invisible person, and I don't want anyone to notice me. And if somehow, someone wants to talk to me or asks me something, I become mute, and the words don't come out of my mouth. That's why I don' go out alone, I am usually with my husband when we go out, and he answers for me. I know it's pathetic, but I really can't talk to people.

I feel very close to animals, I absolutely love them, and like you said, I feel happy to be around them. If I wouldn't have my cats, I don't think I would be here now. I thought about suicide lots of times, first time it happened when I was 16 (my grandmother died). I used to self-harm, and battling with anorexia.

I think I hide my emotions well too, I don't think my husband knows what I am going through every day. He wouldn't understand.

[Anonnymous]

Hey Mangogirl !

What I am about to say comes from my own experience, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, because my experiences were somewhat different than yours but very similar.

When you are severely depressed, as I think you are from the score you posted as the results of your self test, you very much need to see a doctor so he/she can prescribe you medication that may help you come out of this sever depression. It will not be a cure all but it will get you started on the path to recovery so you might be better able to live up to the creed at the bottom of your posts. For in able to help the disadvantaged in life you must first be able to help yourself.

Now I have been depressed for years and sometimes that depression gets sever even with my doctors care and guidance. I know how difficult it is to change the way you think about certain things but change we must, in order to become what we truly wish to be.

These following statements which you made suggest to me that your relationship is over and I will try to explain why.

[ "not close to my husband,

I don't want to have sex with him either, because i don't trust him anymore,

I feel so distant towards him. I don't let him close,

And he cheated on me several times " ]

In order to have a fulfilling relationship you must have TRUST , what does the foregoing statements suggest to you?

If you truly love this man you must come forward with him about how you feel and seek out therapy for the both of you. If he truly loves you he will do whatever it takes to protect his marriage to you. If neither of you are willing to take the necessary first step there will be no way to reconcile your differences. Do you see were I am going with this?

You went on to say, " I feel that I am not good enough " well, girl we are all a product of what we think and if you continue to think this then it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. Start right now thinking that you are good enough to accomplish anything you so desire, that you are what ever you wish to be. Now I am not saying it will be easy, more than likely it will be a tough row to hoe, but you can make it because it is what you desire.

You went on to say:

[ " I am absolutely horrified talking to people

I have no confidence

I had lots of ambition, I wanted a career, I wanted to work, I wanted to be around people, and have friends. I am a nice person, but somehow all my desires and hopes dissappeared, and now I am in my own prison that I created for myself, and I can't get out. " ]

Now I am saying to you, break out of that prison you created, just like any respectable criminal would do, so you can get back your dreams. Do it by reaching threw the Mistic and bringing back your courage, confidence, ambition and general love you have for people. Its is still within you, its just been lost in the fog of depression. You can reach into the Mistic and be all those things you so desire but you must act. You are the only one who can change you. Doctors can help you with medications and therapy, which I suggest you to go and see one as soon as possible, but you are the one who has to change the way you think.

Finally you stated:

[ " I am, lost, helpless and hopeless, can't seem to get anything out of life, I can't enjoy it, and I don't see the light or the way out of here... " ]

It is more than likely that when you see the doctor he/she will be able to help you with medication to overcome your feelings of hopelessness and helplessness but you must act, you must be the catalyst that reaches into the Mistic and reclaims the person that you can be.

If you do this you will find that not only does life have meaning but life is the greatest gift of all. Take the time to walk in a park or forested area and listen to the world around you, you may just discover what it is that you truly long for. I wish you the best and that all your dreams will come true...

[Natalie]

Hi Mangogirl-

I second what everyone is telling you. Part of your feelings are being driven by the way you think and view the world around you. Getting involved in treatment for depression may seem scary (probably Cognitive behavioral therapy would be a good fit for you), but in the long run you would most likely benefit.

I am also hearing some suggestion that you may have some problems with anxiety. This too can be devastating to your self-concept and thoughts, which in turn can make you feel really crummy. This is not surprising, as many people have depression and anxiety. The great news is that medications and psychotherapy for depression will usually also work for anxiety too.

I suggest that you start by taking a look at our topic center on depression. Then, I would start to investigate some choices for a psychotherapist who can offer you help, again, most likely a therapist with a Cognitive Behavioral background.

[fear&loathing]

Like I said in the first post, I to think that it is wise to see a therapist. A marriage counselor to get your husband and you talking, hopefully allowing you to open up to him. If with nobody else you could open up to your husband you will find a huge relief in that. I always considered my husband my best friend but as I told him more and more about me, even the things I didn't think he wanted to hear the safer I felt with him. When we got back together after the last time he left me, I told myself I had to let him know the real me. Him being my best friend is now more accurate than ever. I still don't trust him in some areas but I know I can say anything to him, I can tell him how I feel and I feel safe with that.

With a marriage counselor unlike a psychiatric therapist, your husband can do all of the talking at first until you feel comfortable with that person to start talking yourself. I for some reason feel more comfortable with a man than a woman therapist. You might go through several until you find one you feel you may be able to open up to. Also, it may be helpful to dress up in a disguise when you go to therapy. I think that when you look and feel like someone else you are able to allow that persona to act differently than you would and it may help to bring you out of your shell knowing that nobody can "see" you. Just a trick I did when I first started seeing someone. It was OK for me to let the dressed up me have problems and need to see a therapist. As I became more comfortable, I allowed them to see the real me and it was like a weight was lifted from my lungs and I could breath.

I also have to say that yes, we are all saying you should see someone and it may help, but you also have to know that it is a long road. I have gone through a lot of therapist, and that may not be the case for you but if it is, it becomes very frustrating and you want to give up. For me seeing someone has not brought a huge relief and I still struggle daily after 3 years of off and on marriage therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist. I have tried numerous amounts of drugs for depression, anxiety and ADD. None which have relived any symptoms for me. So when you see people telling you to see a Dr. and check out some drugs you shouldn't feel like "if only I could do that everything will be fine" because then you build up huge expectations. When or if your expectations are not met, you almost crash harder and further than the place you were before seeking help. Everyone told me to see a therapist and try anxiety drugs. I had convinced myself to try it and when it didn't work I was even MORE depressed than when I started. Don't believe that it will work 100% for you if only you could do that. Therapy is a very long road and drugs do not work for everyone. I have found more help in self help books and writing outlets than at a Dr. office. It is safe to know, that you may be one of those people that if you are able to let your guard down, therapy may be a huge blessing for you. Just know it can go both ways and there can be huge effects, good and bad from even seeking help.

Why does your husband think your quiet? Did he or does he ever ask you why you keep to yourself or why you won't work or go out? Is he outgoing when not at home? What do you think it is that your husband likes about you and dislikes about you?

[mangogirl]

Thank you so much for everyone who took the time to answer me! Thank you all for sharing all your experiences and thank your for the advice.

You are right, I need to sit down with my husband and talk to him seriously, I need to open up or otherwise I will be in this state for the rest of my life. The first step will be to tell him how I feel about my marriage and suggesting to him that we need to see a therapist together.

He knew that I was shy, even when we met, I hardly spoke to him and took a long time before I felt comfortable around him. He knows in some degree that I am very unconfortable talking to people.

I wanted to go to college, but he didn't support me on this (he is the one with the money so this decision had to be made by him), and when I suggested to look for work, he didn't want me to do something he knew I would be unhappy with because of my shyness. I need more confidence before I could go into a shop alone, never mind working in an environment where I have to meet with people every day. So I am a housewife and he thinks I am happy being one.

I really don't know what he likes or dislikes about me, I need to ask him, but I am sure he doesn't like my shyness, and when I nag him to do things for me, or help me out with something. I think he likes that I am somewhat dependent on him, if I was independent and go out with my friends, I am sure his jealousy would surface.

I need an enourmous courage to make the first steps, just to go down to my GP makes me want to throw up because I am so nervous just to think about it. Can anyone advice what to say to them (my GP and my husband)? How should I start the conversation about myself and my depression?

Thank you so much for listening to me, it really helps me to understand what is going on with me and what I need to do to change my life.

[kaudio]

Hi mangogirl, welcome to the community. If thinking about going to the GP makes you uncomfortable, then perhaps summarizing some of your thoughts on this thread onto paper will help to guide your thoughts? Intelligent, sensitive people will get caught up thinking of all the things that can go wrong and freeze up, but you will feel a bit better by focusing on the next physical, visible action and giving yourself permission to carry it through.

From personal experience, when I think of all of the things that need my attention along with all of the possible things that can go wrong, I panic, and my tasks end up neglected. Sometimes people use alcohol to numb out these negative thoughts and seemingly gain a burst of energy, but in the long run drink is a depressant. In your case, when you drink and find yourself more able to talk with others, that could be a sign that you are locked up by negative thoughts. If this is so, then concentrating on a next action and just doing it will help you. Even concentrating on talking to a friend about any particular topic will help.

So as a suggestion, on your next GP visit, keep your summary in mind, explain that it makes you nervous to discuss your situation, and walk your doctor through your concerns. You mentioned above that you feel helpless, lost, and unmotivated. Even if you feel uncomfortable, focus on the action of communicating these feelings and your other concerns that you want the doctor to understand, one item at a time.

Hope this helps!

[Kalima]

When I went to see Mr Gp for depression it was the first time I had been to the doctors in over 6 years. I considered saying 'I'm depressed, fix me' but decided this would probally not get me too far.

I wrote down a lot of things in the end that I wanted to say, wrote a list of the physical symptoms, not sleeping, sleeping too much, cant concentrate, get agitated etc.. Then when I actually went in for my appointment I said 'umm I'm depressed, and I'd like to do something about it'.

I felt rediculas but she listened and took me seriously. Then she asked me some questions about symptoms and length of time i had felt as I was feeling and made her sugestions.

My Gp refered me for counciling and I know the Gp notes get passed on by the GP so I would sugest giving as much information as you feel you can to the Dr.

[Lalu22]

Hi, Mangogirl~

I can relate to much of your story and sympathize with how crummy things can feel.

I agree with what has been said, but want to add a word of caution based on my experience with doctors. There are lots a good ones, but they are human, too, so if you happen to catch him or her on a bad day, or your GP isn't receptive to your approach, don't give up.

I tend to fold up if I meet the least resistence to getting what I think I need when I ask for it. I have had to learn it's OK to fire my doc and find one who is more compatible with me. I stuck with one for 12 years believing that continuity of care was important. One day he came in the room and introduced himself and I realized that in spite of his big thick file he did not know me. I decided I needed to find someone who valued relationship. Of course, I live in the land of managed care (USA), which has scrambled up the doctor-patient relationship.

I have had some probably well-meaning, trained professionals who get it SO wrong. It's hard to advocate for ourselves when we are wounded, but that's what we need to do when shopping for helpers. I now have three docs who I work with very well.