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Trying to see if marriage can be salvaged


Amanda
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If I consider it unforgivable then am I wasting my time and his by not just booting him now?

Personally, I would agree with this statement. I am not agreeing that the behavior was unforgiveable since I don't know what it was (nor do you need to share any more than you are comfortable with) BUT I do agree that if, based upon your morals and beliefs, it was a behavior for which you cannot offer forgiveness, and you are unwilling to remain married to one whom you cannot forgive or trust, there is no point in giving the issue more time.

I do, however, wonder, how you determined the behavior to be unforgiveable? (Again, not asking you to share details of the behavior.) Forgiveness is an act which we do for ourselves, not for others. It is a way of letting go of the emotions, pain, and disappointment we hold in our hearts. In other words, you can "forgive" the person, i.e. move on and refuse to allow him to have a hold on your life and, yet, sever the marriage relationship. I will be honest here and tell you that is what I did.

My XH also engaged in behaviors I did not want to forgive him for. In fact, I felt he was not "entitled" to forgiveness as he was not repentant, had offered no apology, and had engaged in behavior that we, as a couple, had agreed was morally repugnant. With time, I was able to forgive him and his behaviors in my heart. I have never expressed that forgiveness to him nor due I believe the act of forgiveness requires such an expression. However, despite the forgiveness, the letting go, I chose to end our marriage as the behaviors were repetitive and he had engaged in them after assuring me he would not. There was simply no way to maintain any level of trust whatsoever in that marriage and I refused to remain married to a man whom I could not trust.

So, for me anyway, the issues of forgiveness, trust and saving the marriage are separate and, not necessarily dependent upon one another.

I think you have to decide what this behavior has done to the sanctity of your marriage? Has the trust been irrevocably broken? If so, can you remain in a marriage without trust? And, most importantly, do you think that, with any amount of time, your feelings or responses to those questions may change? If not, time is irrelevant. Otherwise, take your time and make no rash decisions. I don't envy your position at all.

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