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Distance relationship abuse


sadgreeneyes
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I posted two days ago in new member post. I hope someone will read my other post as it explains a lot why I am here. My abuser gives me the silent treatment for the second time now. First cycle did last for 10 days, then it was so good for 1 week and now it has been 10 days again with the silent treatment. He has sometimes been on msn, but its just to bully me and blame me and he just write ridiculous things like not even a child would do. At the same time when I want answers are we still a couple, he refuses to answer and say I blackmail him. Its all just crap he gives me. Why does he continue hurting me and ignoring me and refuse to answer at same time? I could soon be with him back in his country so why he continue not talking to me normal if he really wanted to have control???? I have now said goodbye for the third time and he does as usual, refusing to give answer about us :( I just wonder why he does this?? I mean for him it must be better to have control when we are together than to sit and try to have control throught the net, it doesn´t make sense why he do this???

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sadgreeneyes, hi, I'm sorry to see you struggling. I think I fail to understand why you are dealing with this at all? Would it be helpful for you to give him up and move on with your life? You don't deserve to be treated badly, and it doesn't seem this guy is giving anything to this relationship. Just trying to maintain control through bullying and silent treatments. You refer to him as "my abuser", not your boyfriend or partner or husband, is there a reason you continue this relationship that maybe I am missing?

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Thank you so much for your reply! He is my boyfriend, I wrote about him in new member posts. I have hard time letting go, but understand I need to if he continue this game. I just don´t know why he does this to me when he ahve said he wants us to move together. I should actually go and see him soon, but he still continue refusing to answer are we together. I told him goodbye again today, there is no respond from him as usual. I have decided to not do any move anymore until he comes back to real life or if he change. But I have little hope:( I am agree, he don´t give anything to the relationship when he is like this. When he is normal he is so wonderful, but I don´t know what to do anymore. I have told him without it helps. He don´t answer what I need to hear, are we together or not, last he said was he wanted to decide over me. And he wont let me know anything, so I can not know what he wants, he should know I need answers so I can chose to go on with my life or not. At same time I don´t want to let go, so I am just sitting here and hoping in silence :( I have read that they might come back to reality when they see the control doesn´t work anymore, it did help a little a couple of times, so I would hope he starts to think. I am not wondering any special since I know he is abusive, I just wonder why he continue this control thing if he don´t want me. I know they are afraid of losing control but if he knew I soon would be with him then it is very strange why he keeps doing this instead of letting me see him.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Well, maybe you can start to move on without totally writing him off? Just try to live your life without worrying about what he's doing and then wait until he comes to you. He enjoys having you constantly reach out to him only to be turned down or ignored. What would get to him would be if you were to stop caring, stop trying to get him to answer you when he gives you the silent treatment. Let him see that you're not going to take it, you have other options, and he isn't the only thing in your world. Maybe once he realizes that you're not going to take it when he behaves like this he'll stop. If he really loves you and wants to be with you he will learn to be a person who respects you and your feelings and shows you that by his behavior.

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You are so right, what you wrote I am thinking too, that I will just go on with my life and then let him come to me. When I told him goodbye I did it in a very nice and caring way so he should know I do care about him a lot and that I wanted so much for him to be my boyfriend, my coming husband, but that he gave me no other option than to say goodbye if he didn´t change. I said he know where to reach me if he wants. Actually it just seems to work because he just message me, but just to look am I in bar or not. I really hope he will stop this abuse and start to think. I will let him do the work now, I have spent all my energy trying to deal with this abuse and being ignored is really hurtful.

Thank you so much for your advices and caring, I do hope it will turn out good in the end. Its just so painful when he do this. And I don´t understand either what he wants from me when he do this.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

I have read your posts and I am dismayed that you seem to want to resume a relationship with such an abusive person. To answer your first question: Yes, it is common for abusive people to attempt to be in control and to use any method they can think of including the silent treatment.

What you need to know is that "what you see is what you get."

What I mean is that is that it is totally unrealistic to enter a relationship with the strategy in mind that you can change the other person. None of us can do that. If he is abusive now (and he is) he will continue to be abusive after you marry him and his abuse will worsen.

It is my opinion that you should say goodbye for good. My heavens, he is already threatening to kill you!!! For you own sake, end it now and for good.

I want to hear from others about this including yourself.

Allan:(

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I just read your post to me, thank you so much for your advices. I know I should say goodbye for good,its just so hard. I try and I do not contact him except for some txt messages I answer on. But it seems like he is only interested in feeding his own ego because when he does chose to txt himself it is when his sons are there, it has happened again now(his sons are there again), and they have met me and I feel I have to answer when he says things about them. But I do know this is not good and I know he probably wont change. I told him that I hope he see his behavior is so wrong and that it has to stop and that no woman can be together with a man who treat her like he treats me. I don´t think he will be any better because he doesn´t seem to understand how far this has gone. I do actually feel better inside, I am not so sad anymore and I think it is because I see how emotionally immature he is and how he goes on with all his nonsense and it is not at all attractive to say it like that. I just can´t seem to cut right off yet, but I guess you are right he wont change. I also wonder how he can have been married for 12 years before when he is like this and in such an early stage:(

And yes I did tell him that I can not change him, that only he can change himself. Oh and I forgot to say I think that his words with "if not he will kill me" was just a silly thing he said to make me do what he say in some silly way. Like he should send bomb in post and when he figured out that was stupid to say he tried to find other way. It is just nonsense all he says. He jokes very weird with his sons too, but I don´t know. I have known him many years before and I do think it is only nonsense. I don´t mean to be naive. I know he is abusive. He is weird in my opinion. Even his sons said in a funny way to me that their father his a bit weird.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't get the attraction?

If he threatens you, particularly with killing you, and he's over the age of 21, meaning he should have reached a certain maturity level.....what is the attraction?

I'd rather be alone and unloved then be mentally tormented and threatened with bodily harm.

I find I become mentally healthy if I'm 'not' around mentally abusive people. Worrying about what other people think about you is completely defeating, plus you're feeding into their need to control and abuse when you think you deserve it.

As far as I'm concerned, there are people out there who are just simply evil. However clinically offensive that might sound, anybody that threatens you with death should be thought of as evil and should be treated as such.

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Hi sadgreeneyes,

It's tough when you feel love for another, and they treat you like this. I've been in an abusive relationship before as well, though he was not overtly controlling nor did he threaten my physical safety. The covert abuse can be worse than the overt abuse; don't underestimate that aspect of it (such as ignoring you). What was most difficult for me was that he presented himself to be a totally different person from who he really was; the mask did not come off until after I fell for him....and I had invested so much of myself into him by that point.

I am wondering if your experience was similar in the beginning? The deception, the protracted emergence of the real "him", the slow degradation of the partner (you) who was once idealized, catches you completely off guard. So off guard that you start to question your own judgment. That's when you enter the emotional storm, remain stuck, and fight to get out of it. But you don't know how because this has never happened to you before....you did not know human beings were capable of acting like this. Is he a patholoical liar as well? I'd bet. Soon, if he already has not done so, he will deny reality that exists right in front of you, and try to change your reality by gaslighting and other manipulative tactics that disrupt your inner patterns/mechanisms of the normality you are accustomed to - it is so confusing and disrupting that it will change who you are if you let it continue. I call it soul rape.

"Why does he continue hurting me and ignoring me and refuse to answer at same time?"

That's to keep you off guard so that you either start to or continue to question YOURSELF, in the role of the relationship, then it extends beyond--you start to question your own self-worth. So in questioning yourself, you become absorbed in the destiny of the relationship-the whole damn thing hinges upon something about YOU and not him (though you may not be conscious of this right now due to the nature of this type of abuse). It's not normal for another person to do this when we are accustomed to "normal" relationships, thus your reaction will not be 'normal' either. The ignoring leaves you hanging, questioning yourself--it can make you start to feel crazy. If only he would admit he did wrong, acknolwedge he hurt you, and say "this is going to work out for either of us, let's say goodbye". You crave that acknowledment to permit yourself to move on. But-they never do. This man will never provide you with 'closure' you feel you need to end the relationhip--you have to give it to yourself.

Perhaps the most important message I can think of to convey to you at the moment is this: We cannot control another's behavior--we can only control our own. Your not controlling your behavior (allowing contact with him) will lead to self-destruction, destruction of your self-esteem; it can be so devasting that it feels like he robbed you of your soul.

Maybe you could invest in the book "Women Who Love too Much"? It would certainly take your mind off him and wake you up to the dynamics of abusive relationships. (I've never had a chance yet to read it yet - but heard it is phenominal.) In the meantime, try not to think his reactions have anything to do with you. This happens to many well-rounded women, with no family of origin issues; it happens to the emotionally healthy as much as it happens to the emotionally vulnerable. Having said that, you are going to have to find it within yourself to let go-find your own closure. It's not easy--but you can do it!

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419

There is no indication one has to have a "pattern" of abusive relationships to benefit from this book. Chances are though, if you attract one like this, you will attract another. Maybe you have attracted another and didn't know it? Maybe you have and your instincts held you off from agreeing to a date? If it happens to you one time as maybe in your case, however, you have the chance to prevent it from happening again through learning. Here's a comment from a reader review of the book:

"Women Who Love Too Much has totally changed my entire life. I have been in search of a committed relationship for years. I have ended up in abusive, degrading relationships and had no idea how or why; more importantly, how to get out of the pattern. This book literally had my name on every page. It gives real life examples of people the author has counselled. I was able to identify with every one of them. It was so easy to see what was not working for those women when I read their stories. It is always so hard to see yourself and your own mistakes. While reading the book, I was able to clearly define moments in my life when I made mistakes, and then learned what other options there were to those situations. I was able to dissect my entire life to see when and where I learned certain "ways of being" especially in intimate relationships. Ways that were addictive and I could not stop myself. I read several sections over and over until I got every last word and could apply it to my life. The book has a section at the end that teaches you steps you can take to alter current patterns to make yourself well and strong.

I have always been extremely independent, extremely successful in business, popular, beautiful, smart and I make a lot of money. None of this had anything to do with the patterns imprinted on me from childhood that had me choose men who could not love me if they really tried. It is quite ironic. I always attracted gorgeous, successful, popular men, so you would think everything was great. But they did not love themselves and many of their own issues stemming from childhood disabled them to love someone else and treat them well. These were the only types of men I sought out and did not know it. By practicing what is taught in the book and being extremely determined (it is hard work) to take care of me first and not lose myself in a relationship, I was able to turn the whole thing around. I now have the most wonderful man on the planet. We are getting engaged and plan to be married in March of 2000. I feel as though I was blessed from the heavens. He treats me with respect, always thinks of me, does not make demands and simply is my best friend. It can actually be quite scary at times. I am so used to being the one that has to give everything..."

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Sadgreeneyes,

I just wanted to emphasize - please be proactive to ensure your safety. Are there local women's shelters near where you live? Not because you need a place to stay--but because they may be best suited to give you professional advice and support for your situation. They can hook you up with resources, advice, and a counselor to help you deal with this. Please consider calling one for advice.

Hugs,

Sunrise

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am so sorry I haven´t been on the board here for a while, I though the thread maybe was ending, I am truly sorry. I was just back in today and wrote about an issue that concerns the children to this abusive guy. I have given this abusive guy the silence back, I have not said anything to him for two weeks, he still sits on msn, but he can just sit there, he makes me sick. Sad is I don´t find the strength to block him:( but I have come so far I don´t bother to contact him). Your posts to me was amazing, thank you SO much, it was really supportive! and again I´m sorry I haven´t seen it before now :)

I come from a home where my father was a non communicative unloving person, I spent most of my childhood in my bedroom and without any friends. My father never asked me how I am, never a hug or any love, he didn´t say anything nearly, I can´t remember anything coming out from his mouth. I guess this is where I have learned to tolerate and accept being ignored. I was alone most of my childhood,remember some periods only with my older brother before he committed suicide when I was 13. At this time my sis had married and moved 3 hours away. She said my brother committed suicide because he thought I didn´t care about him. The last thing I said to my brother was I wished he was dead, we were figthing in my sis wedding. I know today this was not true, I was 13! anyway it did haunt me :( First time he tried to commit suicide I was there and saw the ambulance came and get him, no one knew I was sitting alone in my bedroom. Second time he shot himself at my grandparents house. I grew up without mother since she was in mental hospital. My father was violent to both my mother and brother when they lived. I have only one sister left of family, but she struggles with the same as me. My father has not cared about us at all and he threw me out when I was 15 because then he moved together with his new woman and she didn´t want me there after she had tried to "push her brother on 18 to be with me, I was 13!. When I then talked with him when I was 15 she clicked. I was put in my bedroom for 2 weeks while on holiday in Sri Lanka (his new woman was from there), not allowed to walk out because of her brother, it ended in I was a devil who had made her brother a devil who should kill his whole family because he wasn´t allowed to talk to me. And this woman in the first place tried to hook me up with him when I was 13! Back in Norway after holiday they threw me out, I had no home, had to live at school two years, no one visited me. He simply didn´t care for any of us anymore, just found knew family. This is not my first abusive situation, I have had only abusive relationships. I just started CoDa, but don´t know where to start. I am sad, depressed and fighting with my sadness and feelings being ignored. Trying to move on as best as I can while letting the days go by. Feeling that I do better emotionally with myself if I try to move on while I still see him trying to get attention by sitting on msn, but I know this is silly and I just fool myself. It is hard. To know that this person I lived with for 3 years before is totally another person 5 years later :(

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