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a tangent on cheating


roamer2
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i had come across a post on the home page that hit home... I HAD TO GET THIS OUT .. she was always finding new male friends to "spend time with" every one of which made it very claer that they were sexualy attracted to her and were persueing more... i found that she was activly having dirty lil sex chats with not only the old 1's but that was how she was meeting the new.. she made excuses like she just dont trust woman and that i had a trust issue.. (BULL)

if someone chooses to comit in a relationship there is responsibilty and respect that is required.. u choose a sex partner..QUIT PERSUEING HOT GUY'S.................

i had no problem with her having male friends but thats the "word in question (friends)" its normal.. its not normal to go to a bar be groaped on and then start "spending time" with that new friend every night till 4 am.. attention manipulation power.. thats what its about.. controle threw sex or in some cases lack of sex... its personal insecurity and low self esteme and self worth.. this controle by sex is false self esteme and when that collapses the sexual offering "friends" always get what they want.. and who gets hurt? the 1 shes supposed to be with and love is the 1 that always pays the price..

oposite sex friends r healthy but with out ballance and boundaries the person is just useing everyone period......................... if reasonable boundries r ignored, blown off, or conflicted with its not a partnership of any kind.. its a selfish self seeking attemt to controle the world around 1 person... in this case the only possible outcome is unfaithful heartbreak.. a "train wreak waiting to happen" so 2 speek... find out if the boundaries r healthy... there is always room for compramize but some things should be set in stone to protect your self... oposit sex friends and theres the key word "friends" dont lust after friends.. they dont look for sex from a "friend" and that is a 2 way street also.. friends dont touch each other in a sexual way.. dont describe what they would like to do sexualy to a "friend".. dont request or get nude photo's of a "friend" and in this case dont ask if im the other man?.. if people like this havent had sex with these "friends" yet.. the "yet is comming soon..:mad::mad: its a matter of time and there is NO excuse...

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roamer, what you are going through is so painful. You have done nothing wrong with your post that I can see. I could tell you that some of her acting out could be a part of her mental health issues, but that is not to excuse any of it, only to explain. You will have to take care of you somehow in this. Myself, I would have to leave this relationship. It is up to you what you do, and we are here to support you as best we can.

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i guess thats part of my tangent.. there is factual information like mental disorders that r legit non disputable things.. but that is lost when it becomes an excuse.. if its used as rationalization or justification its the same as masturbation.. the only 1 there s@%#wing is themselves .. the fact that there r disorders is a torn spot in me.. a big part of me feels like i should have been more understanding and flexible because she is sick (not a bad person just purly sick) but i know 100% that theres nothing i can do to help her because she dosent want it.. help not to necessarily "save the failed relationship" but because she was also my friend and a human being.. she has to be willing to help herself untill then nothing with anyone will work and she continues lock away holding the key.. yes im hurt yes im angry... but i know who she really is and she deserves better than she is giving herself... im still in love with her with every part of my being but also i cant be a part of this because i wont be an enabler like the "friends" she seeks.. trying to serve my own purpose by telling her her actions r ok... i do love her intamatly as a friend and as a person.. so i have a responsibility to her (and my self) to hold her accountable for her actions when no one else has or is now and a responsibilty of honesty.. the dreaded quote "love them enough to let them go" kills me rite now because im trying so hard to show her by her own words "the truest love anyone has shown her" honesty respect accountability willingness open mindedness trust hope and faith all equal LOVE........................ it cant survive with out these.. then on the other hand.. since im the only one that cares like this is it rite to abandon her over my boundaries.. the term loving her to her grave is what shes getting from her "friends" as long as they can get what they want who cares.. :(mad: i do................................................................. and im walking away atleast trying to the best of my ability.. should 1 side of the 2 i described here hold more water than the other? idk idk idk i hope some one can answer that please.. never before in my life have i been so confused and torn inside.. i cant save her and know i shouldent be her savior.. for the first time im asking should i try to work through this with her?????????????????? and admitting that statement sounds totaly insane at the same time

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roamer, this is going to take a while. You are going to hurt for a long time. I hope someone else joins in to give us advise, because really, I'm not much further along than you. I'm further down the road in time, and day to day I am doing waaaaay better. I am out of the relationship and engaged in life. But still, these things hurt!:) No, you cannot save her. Yes, you deserve to be treated well, not like this. Yes, you still love her. Yes, you'll have to let go. Yes, you'll love again, because you have that ability. How you get through it all is what is so hard. Post in the Bipolar section perhaps. Maybe someone there will add in. Keep reaching out to others in the healthy ways that you can. You can always come here:o

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I came across your post by accident and saw finding my way had been trying to listen and help!

So, i hope you don't mind me just adding in a little. I have a type of Bipolar Disorder and have shown traits of this illness from an early age!

Reading what you have posted is a life i have known of , in my life !

Not all actual or factual but the feelings i had? Mental illness does have a lot to answer for, as can medication but i am responsible for myself at the end of the day!

We can all make bad decisions, i have( many in my time!) but i could never intentionally hurt someone or should i say, carry on knowingly doing so once i have realised that i have!

Do you understand what i'm trying to say to you? I think from reading your posts you are a very smart man and only you know your girlfriend. I do however, get the feeling you know the answer to your questions, they are hard to face when it's to do with someone you love so much. Can i just say you have done her proud so far but you do matter too!

I try not to define myself by illness, it's a part of me but i am not my illness!

Does that give me the right to do what i feel ?, ( and roamer, i do mean me)

No, wish i could at times, i couldn't live with the aftermath!

Have i been tempted too :)? Yes and there are times in my past i've been manic and the things that (Well!) but all actions have consequences. I learnt that along time ago(no,i'm not as old as i sound.)

My thoughts are sent your way,

Tracey

Edited by tracey.f
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the day in question ( 31 days ago and the week after) was answered...... she got drunk and is now about 31 days pregnant.... this is the first contact in 28 days.... i hoped and preyed i was wrong.. but after going threw all 8 intamate relationships.. it was odvious.. since then she has went hell bent on self distruction drinking almost every night.. she has no intress left for this poor man.. she doing unbelieveably unhealthy things and has prob lost her daughter living with her.. she said that what happened was unbearable to begin with but mistakes happen.. she wanted me to call her a whore and a no good f ing human being because she deserves it for what she did.. i refused and told her that there was no chance of a relationship between us.. that i dident deserve that.. she has opened into full substance abuse and i told her that she had no rite to do that to the baby and its father.. she was anger that i hadent called her before it was to late but admitter that i called during the act.. i told her that none of this is on me.. it was her actions and hers alone.. she said drunk and angry dont mix and dident want to but it just happened... i said bullshit.. she said she never wanted to hurt me and that she would have to live with that and that she would party all the feelings away eventualy.. i said u dont care if you did we wouldent be having this conv and you would have kept your pants on.. she said call me a whore its true aint it i cheated on you.. i said no.. she said fine i do that enough for the both of us..... i said the next step is tou die from your actions and she laughed and said i hope but how.. i said dui overdose std's comp miss carrage or a mean drunk you meat.. take your pick.. you need help.. she said thats why the partying was for.. (she dident party at all till that nite but has a new friend even more messed up than her and is aginst any relationship other than a fling) then she said "im sorry but always knew you deserved better than me.. i said only in your sick mind.. she said she did love me but things r just a total mess and that she knows there will never be another like me.. i said thats to bad for you.. theres no excuse.. she started crying said i cant deal with what i have done or for that matter any of this.. i said me either.. she suddenly had to go and hung up.. i set there crying praying for the baby her kids and her.. thy will be bone.. then prayed for me once again to heal.. i think she may harm herself.. but either way shes either close to bottom or death so i cant be the thing holding her off her bottom.. that is active being part of her death.. i wont be there for that she is on her own.. and yes i deserve much better.. all woman in life did simmilar i need to find out why im attracted to them and i have mental health issues found thru theorpy.. i will end this patteren and some day i hope that some one will love me the same..

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