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a heart breaking answer but a new beginning!!


roamer2
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Roamer2,

Apart from your ex-'s self-destructive behavior, there is the issue of her pregnancy. If she is in fact pregnant, and also using drugs or alcohol in the manner you describe (e.g., getting blitzed), she runs a very serious risk of permanently harming the baby. Serious and permanant birth defects including serious brain problems can result. The situation amounts to child abuse or at least fetus abuse and needs to be stopped if this is possible to accomplish. There isn't time to waste, as the longer this goes on, the more risk is run of real damage occurring.

Is your ex aware of the serious risks she is subjecting her developing baby/fetus to? Please make her aware of this risk! This information from the CDC may be helpful in this capacity

If you believe she knows this and cannot or will not stop drinking it may be appropriate for you (or her family members?) to push her strongly into an hospitalization or (if appropriate) alcohol rehabilitation facility where she could safely detox. It's important that her doctor (the one providing her pre-natal care) learn of her behavior, as he will be in the best position to do something to minimize the damage to the fetus, and to her. If she does not have a pre-natal care doctor, she should be guided towards one at the earliest moment.

I know this adds another sucky layer on top of what is already a sucky situation, but this drinking while pregnant should not be ignored or minimized.

Mark

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Roamer2,

The best situation would be if this ex- of yours would voluntarily go to see a doctor for pre-natal care and the doctor found out about her binge drinking and extremely fragile state. The doctor would be in the best position, medically and legally to put in place whatever apparatus the state has to offer to protect the fetus.

A similarly good outcome would be if she were to go into some kind of hospitalization (psychiatric, medical or substance abuse - I don't think it matters) where she could safely detox from alcohol under the care of a doctor (assuming she is dependent on it). It is extremely dangerous for someone to stop drinking cold turkey when they are dependent on alcohol, and the fact that she is pregnant makes the situation more complicated, but again, a doctor will be in the best position, medically and legally to figure out what can be done.

If it is not possible for her to get herself to stop drinking, or if she cannot safely stop drinking on her own (due to alcohol dependence), then the situation becomes more complicated.

If this were a child and not a fetus, the route to pursue would be clear - the thing to do would be to make a report to your state's Child Protective Services (CPS) department. State law governing abuse reporting do not necessarily cover a fetus, however, so it is potentially not the province of CPS to handle the case. Since I can't think of a better idea, however, I would advise you to call your CPS department and report your ex- to them. They will have a telephone number and you ought to be able to explain the situation to them, and they should be able to advise you what can be done to protect the fetus at least.

Our article on Abuse Reporting has numbers you can call for CPS

An alternative to contacting CPS is to contact your local police station and explain the situation to them, or if all else fails, to contact 911 (the emergency operator). In these cases, what you would be trying to accomplish would be to bring the urgency of this unfortunate situation to the attention of authorities who have the power to do something (potentially) to minimize the potential for fetal brain damage.

Let me say that the thought of reporting on someone you care about must be awful to contemplate. I would not recommend it if it were not for the fact of the pregnancy and the binge drinking and the very real and large risk of fetal brain damage. You might feel like you were selling her out - you might feel very guilty doing this - but the larger perspective is that if she is unable to conduct herself in a responsible manner such that she can minimally provide for her fetus, then the alternatives are either someone steps in to prevent her from doing further harm (if that is what the law allows for, and if there are resources to spare to do it in this time of fiscal meltdown), or the fetus has no protector at all and risks brain damage.

Again - the steps are 1) urge her to go to see a doctor and report the situation to the doctor in all the ugly drinking detail, (and follow up to see that this occurs), and if that doesn't work, 2) report her to authorities who may (or may not) have the power to intervene to force her to take better care of herself and fetus.

Mark

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she had left 1 message and said that she cant talk to me about anything its to painful.. my attempts to contact her or family have been nill.. i can not commit her because it has to be direct family.. even tho i have no intress in anything in anything she would have to say at this point.. i will try contact and reason with her about her behavior 1 last time.. she may be to the breaking point by what i heard from the 1 conv and message.. i pray for that childs sake she is... if i could do more i would.. my foot work is done.. im only human.. dfs said to get family members to sign papers and to log as much behavior as i can.... im 800 miles away and the only 1 that has any clue of mental illness or adiction and recovery that she has assosiated with.. all those people may enable the baby and her to the grave.. theres nothing i can do......

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i know ur intentions and thank you for your direction... the conversation with her helped me with reguards to letting go.. but it has sent me into a melt down of sorts because of the involvement of a baby and her other kids.... i have been on a obsessive search for a solution.. i do know 1 thing she wants but im not willing to do that..(self preservation) she wants me to trust her and be a chaseing savior to make her actions not matter so she can keep me in a spot where she can access and manipulate me at will.... she wants sexual and emotional involvement with me but wants me to allow with out any reservations her to do what or who she pleases when ever she wants.... yes this may put me in a posision to be effictive at positive action for the kids (born and unborn).. bit i see that as being more dammaging to EVERYONE involved.... under no circumstances will i go back to her.. i want to make that clear to everyone.. she cant and wont deal with destroying by her and her daughters words the best possible thing that has and could happen to her.. she is blaming me for abanding her and thus useing that as a tool to run and distroy herself.. so i feel i have no choice but to stay out of it and prey that she hits bottom soon.......

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