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acting out???????????


roamer2
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why do woman from so many different back grounds act out destructively threw sex? from early teens through even there 50? extreme permissquiss actions with no regard for safe sex.. self acceptance, self esteem, and even self hatred r what has been pointed out.. but no matter the upbringing ... im sure men have done the same im not knocking woman... but they r the massive majority,, what r the dynamics behind this? 50 to 300 random partners starting at 11,12,13... why so extreme in every way?

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Being abused at a young age will cause this behavior. Suffering from a mental illness will cause it. Being raised in an environment of zero sexual boundaries will do it. Extreme neglect will do it. It is addictive behavior and could exist with other addictions. Drugs and alcohol can increase sexual acting out.

Whatever the cause, this person or these persons are not well:(

How are you meeting these women, roamer?

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i dont know thats what im trying to figure out and change.. in person and 1 net experiance.. i seem to be a safe and comforting presence it what im told.. dont have a mean bone in me so i think its the nice guy thing and thats why the finnish last... im just trying to changs and learn

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Roamer2,

I agree, there is something in you that is attracting you to these types of women. But, this is a blind spot and therapy should help you make the blind spot visible so that you no longer gravitate to people who do not satisfy what you really want.

By the way, women are not the majority who do this self destructive type of thing. Men do it too.

Allan

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im not knocking woman.. just trying to change me.. i have met them in many different settings and places.. i have been told that im just a safe comforting caring person.. that i seem to calm the people im around.. i dont want to change those but something needs changed...

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Roamer2,

There is often a gap between the way people see us and the way we feel inside. So, when women tell you that you are calm and safe, what are you feeling inside of yourself. I would not be surprised to learn that you do not feel inner calm. In fact, even if you say you feel calm, I have my doubts. Anyway, I would like to understand you better as well as the things that bother or trouble you, more than you have so far written, if you can or are willing to??

Allan

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i havent been abused.. my mom was a rape victim before i was born untreated.. i guess i was raised as a protector of woman...or thats how i feel.when i was a teen i was always the 1 protecting the girl that got drunk and would guard her to keep the men from "taking advantage" of the woman.. so learning the things i have lately.. i've felt responsible for taking care of woman in general.. i became violent toward men in my teens.. never violent with woman even when i was in an abusive relationship wouldent even defend myself.. i have taken 5 guys at 1 time but could not even bring my self to push 1 130lb woman away... i always feel very calm around woman comfortable.. no matter if there shy or outgoing.. modest or upper class background.. dosent seem to matter.. they all fit the same pattern... sexually active by 13yrs had been sexually assaulted at some point extremely permiscuious and have a all cheated on me.. so i see the change needs to happen in me... tryed different external things and none work.. i think its a personality thing that attracts them to me and me to them.. i've hurt enough from this patteren it needs to change.................

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oh roamer, I'm so sorry to hear those things:(:). Don't you think this could be your issue right here? Has anyone ever helped you get over the trauma surrounding how you came into the world?? :( Since conception you have been your mother's defender. I can't possibly imagine how you feel about your father, or how you feel about yourself in this situation. You very CLEARLY are a caring, loving person and no rapist. Have you ever healed from your parent's story so you can create your own, based on the person that you truly are, not the trauma concerning them? You don't need to keep unconsciously getting into relationships with women who have been assaulted so that you can prove over and over you are not the kind of man that would do that. You have much more meaning and worth on this planet than that story. It is OK to venture out into who YOU are, though I wonder if anyone has ever supported you in that...:confused:

You are more than your mother's or anyone else's safety net. You are a man and a human being and a decent person. You have a right to pursue a healthy life.

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it was hard to read what you had to say... thank you.. my father wasent the offender.. how do i feel about me???? self deprived from what is reality.... i was always told woman are the victims always.. and it was the men that were out to get them... i have at points been ashamed of being a man... and have unknowingly put my self into a posision to be a victim.. in order not to be like all the rest of the "bad " men i made many choices that have kept me from learning a lot about my self.... in order to not be like everyone else.... everything that has happened in my life has been dictated by my overly abundant and sick moral standards... how do i change is the question....

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That is a lot to untangle, roamer, but it can be done. It'd be easier if you had the support of a good therapist. In any case, you can keep writing here if you like. You just need lots more experiences exploring yourself apart from these patterns, in an environment that welcomes that. It could be talking, it could be doing, like pursuing hobbies or activities to find out the things you like to do and who you are while you are doing them.

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i cant tell you how much i appreciate what you wrote....

i see progress because i have a good relationship with my dad now and have 3 genuine male and 2 female friends.. its been painful to write about my issues but im at a place in my life that i dont want them any more.. they were killing me slowly.. the fear of change is at most times far less than the pain of my old ways... you opened my eyes to a lot... the dynamics of the flaws in my presonality have been the question... im learning thanks to theropy and this site... all info is welcome from anyone also..

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thanks again i dident expect a seemingly simple question to go so deep... the level of sacrifice has been staggering... the term eternal marter plagues me.. it has defined my relationships with woman to this point.. i still find im all to ready to sacrafice.. 50/50 is what i want but want to give more also.. im struggling with this mind set in many ways.. im afraid of spoiling her but tend to then analize it after and it upsets me that i subconsciously do it... im afraid of a repete with this woman even tho shes not them or my mom.. its still a huge fear.. what can u do to recognize the these things sooner?????????????????

should i continue to spoil her a bit??????????

how do i seperate my past fears and pain from this????????????

guess i have a long way to go...

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it makes seance.. to answer your questions.. its fear of over doing things.. spoiling and sacrificing on my part and being in a 1 sided relationship.. that is part of my pattern.. in so many ways this girl fits the profile of the pattern but there are some major differences tho. in general i freaked when i learned the common things she has with the others and yes even my mom.. i noticed the differences and honestly thats what kept me around... i was ready to run break things off and set a wall in place... 1 major difference is the communication.. she also has been in therapy for a long time.. the demons of the past surface in certain situations for me... she hasent earned my baggage.. so we talk things out... her issues and mine.. THATS REALLY DIFFERENT!! im just scared of being hurt again. i analize if i can do this relationship as well as my motives... if thing do continue to work and improve then at some point i know i will relax.. if they go south im out instantly... i spoil her threw affection attention attentiveness gestures of appreciation because that is me and i really want to.. not in materials but in intimacy. lol she says i have completely spoiled her sexually to...

that scared me as far as over diong things.. she also says i meet all her needs... that scares me.... i dont want to try to be everything because anyone will fail at that.. maybe i dont need a relationship at this point.. she is a good woman and i do deeply care for her.. but how do i not live in fear of the pattern repeating? :confused:

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Hey roamer, I hope you don't mind my 2 cents here. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like your behavior toward your girlfriend is out of line. Like JP says, you may just really need support to "retool" how you relate to you. You don't have to be completely alone to achieve that, though you will need to take time for yourself to work on it. You are aware now. That is what stops the pattern from repeating! It's being unconscious of the whole thing that is dangerous. You are bound to go through some confusing times trying to reorient to a new identity for you. That is OK. Your girlfriend might be a good source of support if you can reach a comfort zone with that idea.:o

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so your saying im finding my way? i hope your right... the relationship im in now is different in that we are so open and willing to talk about anything.. we actualy work together.. (i thought that was a fairy tale lol) but it appeasr to be us and thats nice.. again scary and different but nice..

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