roamer2 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 im searching for myself.. i know i have made progress... that seems over shadowed by the things comming out in this current relationship.... we cant see each other because her son and his stepdad are throwing a fit because we met on the internet... her son is 20 but is still being tended to like a 10 year old... he has a issue with us and his tantrums STOP EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! every time... part of me wants to continue to be patient and let the poor woman chase the tale of the dragon.. the other part says BULLSHIT!!!! if im not on the priority list then the patteren matches.. she either wants this or she dont period!!!! im worth more than that.. im worth an effert on someone elses part... that is the part of the simmilar patteren i have refered to.... i feel like i will remain just an option to her and if that is the case i will not live like that i will walk...................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulianP Posted July 11, 2009 Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 (edited) ............deleted Edited February 4, 2010 by JulianP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulianP Posted July 11, 2009 Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 (edited) ............deleted Edited February 4, 2010 by JulianP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 what im intitled to or deserve is a mood point..... if im not a priority by now.. i never will be.... there is a difference between sacrafice and martyerism.. i have told my own kids that they do not have the right to treat anyone like that let alone there parrent or someone they claim to love.... if her 20 year old son has a problem then thats on him.. he has no right to treat anyone like that... you either love some one or you dont........ you either want someone or you dont period.... yes im angry... i dont like being an "OPTION"... that is how it has been every time and always ends the same way..... you can either live with it or you cant............ i cant live with the dicktatership of others that have no business in the situation in the first place... i will not pay the price for her indecision.. or there need to controle.. because it is simple controle is what this is all about and there is no love in controle period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she doesent have to deside between me or him i support all the relationships between family... he wants her to do just that.. me or him type deal.... i lose even tho im not playing.. i pay for the raw stupididy of the situation like i always have.. with a broken heart........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 i cant change him or her and dont intend to..... i can only take care of me.. i may sound demanding but im not.. i am to the end of pointless sacrafice on my part.... i make them she dont.. thats no 50/50 deal.. thats a 1 sided patteren.. the patteren i need to escape... i could be wrong.. i will admit it willingly if i am.. but i'd rather be happy than right or wrong... people are both right and wrong.. that really dont matter and its not a high standart to just want loved back... everything was good even when the first cancelations came.. i understood not a big deal.. take care of you and we will see each other another time... enough is enough tho another 2 months of limited contact over an inmature selfish tantrum is unacceptable.. i wont leave me out of it because me is a part of us and that is what this is really about... US!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so angry at me because i feel like i let it happen again... i repeted the same old same old.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 there is no working together on this subject for her.. thats her baby and thats final Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulianP Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 (edited) ............deleted Edited February 4, 2010 by JulianP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 she says shes not willing to give me up but needs time to make sure things are good between her son and her... i said that if we are gona be together then we do this together along with anything else that comes up... its about us if there is an "us" .. and that when he realizes he has stoped your life it will hurt him severly.... he wont like to know he hurt you like that and you wont like knowing how bad it hurt him... she says im not an option but putting me on hold for these issues makes it otherwise.. it means there is no us and becomes the 1 sided patteren all over again.. i told her i wont live like that and she said i shouldent have to.. shes just emotionaly torn and dont know why... so im asking everyone here.. do i wait? and if so how long? or do i just walk now? please help!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 i need to know if im over sensitive and acting on personality dissorders or being to demanding or am i following old behaviors? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulianP Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 (edited) ............deleted Edited February 4, 2010 by JulianP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 jp thank you.. im severly depressed and bi polar in theropy but am limited on treatment for various reasons... i in no way want to even suggest a decision like that and tell her daily that i would never ask for that.... i do tell her she can have both.... im not the 1 looking for that decision i ts like i loose when im not even playing so to speek.... i have no intress winning and looseing.. i just want to be happy... its up to her i weather im drug into this decision that i dont even want i wont perticipate because it is wrong to put any human being in that posision let alone someone you claim to love.... my thing is there has to be "US" for it to work and as long as this behavior continues there can be no "US" so what am i holding onto if anything or am i overreacting being to patient not patient enough????? if this is all it takes to ignore my feelings and shut the "US" out then does she really love me? when my mood is high i think RUN......... when low i think hold on... the meadium seems to be out of reach...:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 realized the pattern link:( "if you let her go and she returns to you then it was ment to be" i cant go on like this ant thats the only visible option John Rutledge 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulianP Posted July 15, 2009 Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 (edited) ............deleted Edited February 4, 2010 by JulianP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 i ended it................................... if she wants me she will do more than say it she will show it................................ if not.... so be it........... i will just find sex and be done with it like most of the population.... im done with the illusion and myth of "love" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 roamer, you have been through an awful lot in a short amount of time. I'm sorry things are so challenging. It probably sounds trite right now, but love comes from inside you and is there regardless of the behavior of others, though bad relationships can really erode that connection. How are you doing with you? Can you take a break from this outer drama and get back to center, where love is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 im not doing very well with me because i see this patteren as something im doing" wrong and i want to change it so bad.. untill im sure there has been a change there then there is NO chance at love.. i just dont know where to start... whats my part? what am i doing? i set strict bounreries with her which is different but i still want it to work and am finding that im over willing to sacrafice me needs to make that happen.. which frankly pisses me off... i dont think i let go in bad situations that my loyalty is more mayrteristic than loving but im not sure if that is the case im searching... and if she does come around i will be right there for her but wanting her to show "practice" what she preaches.. that makes me feel to demanding.. but its different.. guess it dont matter to anyone if im wrong.. just me and when the heart is involved i dont want to be disasteriously wrong.. i dont think i can live with more of that...................................................... im so angry at me to the point of hatrid... for the first time in my life i cut my legs because i cant handle how much i despise myself.... it dident help... i need relief from this... i cant go on hating me..... what needs to change? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 roamer, are you seeing a therapist currently? You really need to take special care with you. Right here, right what you are saying, you hate you, THAT is your work right now. How can you possibly get to love when that is what you are feeling? You need to tell your therapist that is what is going through your head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 im angry at me because im still just a meal ticket to my family and an option to her.. some how i allow it and im tired of it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 What do you need, just from you, not from anyone else, for you to love, or even just like, you? I am so sorry no one has helped you with that in the past. It's time to get there now, if you can, even if it takes a little while, and other people have to wait a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 i need 2 disks im my back fixed.. a fused hip fixed wisdom teeth pulled the opening from my splne to my brain fixed and then to finish collage and get back to work worked hard from age 11 to 33 but i distroyed my body to be a meal ticket for many people,,, this time its for me.... i need these fixed but that dosent mean that i should sware off intamacy or other things im capable of for the next 3 years... when im single its not as big a deal but i also realize i need to explore like intamacy all the things i denied myself because of my up bringing...... but the empty spot next to me hurts at the moment most... a meaningful relationship is prefered but a few.. hi.. thank you .. get out.. will work also.. no love involved has worked all 3 times out of the 8 so that sounds like the best bet.... just another way to explore me and not deal with the ILLUSION of love Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 I predict a backlash, roamer, if you do that. Of course I can't tell you what to do, but I wouldn't advise you to do it. It is too close to the identity you've spent your life avoiding. There are many, many other things to do with you and many many other facets of you to explore. PLEASE take care of yourself right now, and see your therapist if you can:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 i surrender.. i've had enough.. what happens is whats gona happen.. the only thing i can change is me.......... i thought i had been and freaked when something felt fammiliar i want different in every aspect of my life... when i thought i slipped back into the old i just wanted out.... i tried something different it felt the same... so i tried to run.... i just dont know what i can do to not feel that way... and i know that the way i feel is on me.. i allow few people into my heart maybe thats the problem... idk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 I never realized a few questions about sex and patterns could go so deep into everything else.. i havent seen my therapist for 3 weeks now due to my health issues... things have just really sucked so bad in every possible way.. not just the relationship but every other aspect of my life... everything hit at once... i still can hardly get up from the psychical pain let alone the emotional and mental pain.. no matter what i do what direction i take these problems are only getting worse... absolutely nothing i do has a positive effect on all these issues.. i lashed out like a crazy person on here... that is not me to do those things and i can tell you there will be no more cutting... no relief just pain and im sick of that.... i have very little choice in the way things are... i dident lash out at her but as far as i can tell we are done... she planned to do the exact same thing all the rest of them did... go back to her ex.... the only difference is that she told me that she had feelings for him that she dident know about.. and needed to sort them out and she may try again with him... she told me before she did it.. thats the difference but its the same because she wants an abusive dependent relationship like all the rest of them did... lol she just told me first... whooopiiii!!!!!! still the same result... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Roamer this is so not a time to stop seeing your therapist! I hope you can go soon. Look at all that has happened this past 3 weeks!! You need to feel better. The better I'm talking about cannot happen with alcohol, sex, or drugs. This pattern of relationships can change around, but you need to work with you for a while first, and with your therapist. I'm so sorry things are so tough right now:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roamer2 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2009 its not going to well.. had feelings deeply for her. her kid and ex are what ended it.. we did connect on every level like no other i have seen.. its hard especialy on top of everything else. i wasent looking for anything not even sex when we met and resisted a relationship for over a month after she mentioned it.. i just seemed to happen naturally.. we did everything right by what her therapist said and the numerous books and date/relationship sites said.. her therapist said that our relationship was the healthiest and best relationship she had had in her 20 some years of therapy that it would be unwise to leave ours and return to the old where she was happy enough to abuse pills and attempt suicide. our relationship was unbelievable up until her kid and ex got involved. then it went down hill. we dont talk at all and havent for almost 2 weeks. i think she did go back to her verbaly abusive ex for the sake of her 19 yr old kid. both her ex and sons relationships with her are extremely sick completely dependant on her sons wants and feelings. at the same time cant stand her ex and the way he treats her. guess just like all the others in my past a healthy relationship is undesirable being treated like a human let alone being treated good just dont work for them. i dont get why so many woman seem to crave abuse, controle, belittlement, men that r emotionally unavaliable, and men that show on a daily basis that they dont even care enough to take them to the hospital .. hwat is wrong with these woman???????????????????????????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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