acting out???????????

[finding my way]

roamer, that sounds sooooooooo painful . Sometimes it seems relationships are about what we need to work on, and less about the ideal. You have been through so much. Can you see that one piece for you is learning how to take care of you? I'm not sure anyone has helped you with that, and it doesn't appear that anyone has been a good model for that in your life. It is not a selfish thing, it is essential. I hope you get to a library computer and update us on how you are doing....

[roamer2]

im not sure if i follow you?? i have some net access.. the ideal? and learning? please point out what ever you see.. anything because i will look at it if i know what im looking for.. as always thank you for all your help and support..

[finding my way]

Sorry roamer if I was being obscure. I was responding to your confusion about these women returning to bad relationships when you were offering something much healthier. There's a lesson in their story and in yours that might be similiar.

If you haven't been able to get to the core of yourself and listen in silence and know what your true needs are and be willing to stand with yourself in your need and not turn away in shame, even if it means standing with a very young needy part of you, if you haven't been able to do that,

you will seek out being with someone who treats you more like you are treating yourself.... someone who turns away from your needy stuff, and worse, someone who acts hateful toward you.... it's a match!!

You've probably heard the saying you can't love others if you can't love yourself. Well this is the dynamic. These women can't tolerate someone who's nicer to them than they are being to themselves. These women are saying some pretty harsh things to themselves on the inside.

Now, are you doing that too?

Most people here are really struggling with this. We turn away from ourselves in shame and hatred because we are in pain. And then we are a soul divided.

Soooo,,,,, our relationships match that dynamic, instead of being about the ideal (loving and supportive and fun).

This is just how I see it, don't think I'm some sort of expert.

How are you doing with you these days? You have been through so much. Are you able to be easy on you a bit, with all this pain?

Edited September 18, 2009 by finding my way

[roamer2]

wow! that matches my history of relationships. except for the last 1.. she actualy did treat me good all the way to the end of it.. she really dosent think she deserves to be happy because of her relationship with her son.. in that sence she a marter. she does fit the patteren in the way that she returned to the safe comfort of her missery. it made her miserable because her heart was torn between me and her son so she ran to that comfoft. security in pain because she thinks thats what she deserves. for a wile we matched perfictly tho. 50/50 on every thing including emotions and inner needs. we brought out those needs in each other and even mutualy met those needs. thats what makes this 1 so tough to grieve.. everything worked except that 1 thing and that was enough.. i love me enough to know that i deserve what i give..

not much relief on the pain yet still in the works.. but some things are better tho.

i want to thank you for all your help.. it make a huge difference..

[finding my way]

I'm glad you love you roamer . That is an amazing accomplishment when things are so very tough. If you can continue to stand by you and not turn away, you will keep healing. I hope you get to have some company soon, I wish that for us all. You always have us.