Sex Addiction

[MrKanista]

How can a person tell if they are a sex addict? What are the main symptoms and behaviours involved and what are the most effective treatments?

Thanks

[Mark]

there isn't any formal definition of sex addiction. It's a sort of made up disorder (in the sense that it isn't in the DSM. but keep in mind that some of the disorders in the DSM are also made up - they are just sanctioned by the establishment so that gives them an artificial reality of some sort.

The basic symptoms of an addiction would be along the lines of

- compulsive acting out of sexual acts

- can't stop despite systematic efforts to do so

- tolerance and withdrawl symptoms (generally only for drugs)

- interfers with social and occupational functioning

I might add that sex addiction would be accompanied by shame feelings, but not everyone would have that happening.

Sex is more like food than gambling or drugs in that it's part of what healthy people do, and you can't really stop doing it. So it isn't reasonable to stop doing it.

I've not read up on how therapists have worked with sex addictions specifically, but probably the model I would think about using if I was called on to treat sex addiction would be the emerging drug addiction treatment models. These generally feature psychoeducation, and relapse prevention componants and also an emphasis on developing mindfulness awareness skills, often by having people practice meditation on a daily basis. These are just ideas; I'd have to think about this some more and do some reading before committing to them, but it would be where I'd start.

[meyoumeyou08]

MrKanista I am living with a sex addict. I never thought in my wildest dreams this would be happneing to me. One of the behaviours I have found in him is the constant lying. He was looking at porn for a long time and I always confronted him about it, he always told he never did it. Thing is the porn was ON the family computer. So now its really hard to believe him in anything he says. Another behaviour I have found is the constant sneaking of looking at other women. He tells me he doesnt do it but I know he does it. I dont know about a symptom but he did reveal to me earlier on in our marriage that he liked to play with himself I understood he was a guy and he was also in the military which I know im not around alot with him. He also revealed to me he seeked out porn and other stimulus things to gratify his needs. Another big behaviour is intimacy he doesnt know how to be intimate. He would only thinks of his needs and no one else's. As for a treatment, i dont know if there is any out there. He and I have literally altered our life because of this. You will have to do a lot of walking, talking, crying, feeling lonely etc .. until or if it all works out. He has made some changes with himself towards me; however its going to be a long road ahead for us and there are some days I dont know if im up to the challenge. i am no expert however I have been doing a lot of reading, observing his behaviours, his moods, and I am learning alot more then I ever have about a sex addict.

[John Rutledge]

deleted .....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[Guest ASchwartz]

Meyoumeyou08,

Have you and your husband considered marriage therapy for the sexual difficulties you posted about?

Allan

[meyoumeyou08]

Hi Allan

Yes we have seeked marriage counseling and I also have read a book regarding sexual addiciton very enlightening. It answered alot of my questions. I also asked him some things and he agreed it was him. There were some things that applied to me as well in the coaddicts section.

Regarding Johns post I never had a problem at my husband "observing" other women; or him masturbating as long as he shares it with me. I totally understand its a guy thing. However, we've had many discussions and he has agreed to me that he did waste time and energy on porn. He wouldn't look at naked pictures of women instead he would look at women who were dressed sexy and undress them in his mind. That hurt me alot because here I am a live person who did all of this and he couldnt enjoy me? Mind you he has looked at porn for a LONG time. I am aware of the fact he has never cheated on me, or done anything severe to harm his career or for me to leave him. There are two things on Mark's list that I have seen him done. He does realize what it has done to our marriage and is trying to change.

[brandi]

i'm so glad i finally found this thread i was wondering about symptoms of addiction,too. i cry when i go two days without sex. just an uncontrollable thing,but as soon as i get it again,it's like i just took a cure-all pill. i can literally lay there for five minutes after and feel all my problems slide away. then i go back to normal life til the next day,if i go without,i can feel myself going downhill,and like clockwork,on that second day i go back to uncontrollably crying again. the guy i'm with says it's no big deal now,cuz he can still keep up with me,but thinks i need to seek help sometime down the road.

[Guest ASchwartz]

meyoumeyou08, brandi, John and all,

Porn is a very difficult issue because of different experience of it on the part of many men and many women. One thing I feel fairly confident about saying is that, by and large, husband's who view porn are not rejecting their wives and are not implying that their wives are unattractive. For some reason, many men want to look at more.

Brandi, please know that, as Mark said, there is not clear definition of sex addiction. For example, you are an adult woman and I would expect that you do want frequent sex. Who is to say that this makes you addicted? It is good that you want sex, and that you have sex and that you find it relieving. What is wrong with that?

Allan:)

[brandi]

that's how I feel!!

he just thinks it's mentally unhealthy for me,and knows eventually he won't want it as much as me and it'll cause issues. but from what i've heard,most women my age (35) want it all the time anyway! (of course i've been accused of being an addict alot by a few others,since i was almost 20)

but still,LOTS of people use sex as an outlet,right??

thank you

[Guest GingerSnap]

I disagree with Mark since from everything I have read, someone experiencing sexual addiction is really not anything like the actual need/desire for sex. I don't think it can be compared to food - you don't eat at all you die and I have never heard of anyone dying from not having sex. Because of the sexual rituals involved in sexual addiction, it becomes central and all consuming at some point. Personally, I do not agree that porn enhances a relationship or that masturbation is an absolute necessity for a male despite what is being pushed in the media or anywhere else. I recommend the website: www.recoverynation.com as a starting point to understand the possibilities but do not necessarily endorse all of what they say or believe. I am crushed by what is happening to our society. What happened to morality and self-control?

[brandi]

sorry,i can't help but disagree with you there.

and morality is not an issue in this case..

[Guest GingerSnap]

And, I disagreed with what was being said so I expressed my opinion and you should not have to defend yourself concerning those things which you feel are right. I don't think sex should be used to manage one's emotions and the reason I believe that besides the most obvious in a Bible-based belief can be found at the website I mentioned - check it out and see if you agree with what is being said there. It never hurts to hear both sides. Knowledge is the key.

[hell2breakfast]

I disagree with Mark since from everything I have read, someone experiencing sexual addiction is really not anything like the actual need/desire for sex. I don't think it can be compared to food - you don't eat at all you die and I have never heard of anyone dying from not having sex. Because of the sexual rituals involved in sexual addiction, it becomes central and all consuming at some point. Personally, I do not agree that porn enhances a relationship or that masturbation is an absolute necessity for a male despite what is being pushed in the media or anywhere else. I recommend the website: www.recoverynation.com as a starting point to understand the possibilities but do not necessarily endorse all of what they say or believe. I am crushed by what is happening to our society. What happened to morality and self-control?

I agree with most of this. Also, I think one can be addicted to having sex and/or watching others have sex. and one may be exclusively addicted to say, watching others have sex...or pedophilia..or some kind of fetish etc. and to the one who is worrying about being an addict; I would guess if you like it and it does not interfere with your life or harm others, what on earth are you doing here with a bunch of lonely, dysfuntional, neurotics?...Trying to rub it in!

[darknight]

I disagree with Mark since from everything I have read, someone experiencing sexual addiction is really not anything like the actual need/desire for sex. I don't think it can be compared to food - you don't eat at all you die and I have never heard of anyone dying from not having sex. Because of the sexual rituals involved in sexual addiction, it becomes central and all consuming at some point. Personally, I do not agree that porn enhances a relationship or that masturbation is an absolute necessity for a male despite what is being pushed in the media or anywhere else. I recommend the website: www.recoverynation.com as a starting point to understand the possibilities but do not necessarily endorse all of what they say or believe. I am crushed by what is happening to our society. What happened to morality and self-control?

Well, I agree with GingerSnap. But I visted recoverynation and felt confused visiting I prefer www.quitporn.net there you can find good articles to read.

Edited October 13, 2010 by darknight

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello darknight,

Mark is correct about comparing sex to food in that we need both to survive. We need food to refuel out bodies each day and we need sex to perpetuate the species and life on this planet. Sadly, Gingersnap is speaking from a very narrow religious point of view.

We know that internet pornography becomes an addiction rather quickly. Both drugs and sex go to the same part of the brain and that is why they can both be addicting.

If you are driven to porn I suggest you enter psychotherapy. Some of the anti depressants are good at reducing compulsive behaviors. I suggest you get treatment if this is the type of issue you are talking about.

Allan

[endeavour]

If it s a behaviour that has negative consequences in your life, and if you ve tried to stop it but can t ... then it s an addiction. It s not about sex, it s about addiction. Behavioural addictions are more difficult to cure than chemical addictions, but at the end of the day 'Recovery' is about taking responsibility and making healthy lifestyle choices. The addict is often emotionally immature and he (or she) run to their 'fix' to escape stress and responsibility. They need to develop coping mechanisms and strategies for handling 'Life'. Otherwise they will spend their whole life lurching from one addictive behaviour to another.

Relating with an addict (especially as a partner) is extremely complicated and often the partner is unwittingly fuelling the addiction and the unhealthy relationship. Often both in the couple live with a sad shadow from the past, shining a light on the past helps lift the shadow - but it s painful to remember things that hurt us. So there s no easy way out!