Do I take him back?

[ssulliva]

I am currently having a hard time trying to make the decision of whether or not to take my husband (D) back after he rejected me.

He wanted to go to South America (he's a surfer) and live. He had recently made quite a bit of money, so he quit his job (he was essentially self employed anyway) and he said he just wanted to have fun for a while and maybe open a business in South America. He says he knew I wouldn't be happy living there, which is true, so he said we should separate. I was very upset at this revelation and said he was crazy for wanting to throw away 22 years of marriage on such a whim, because he was bored with the life we have together.

A few details about my family before I continue. We married in our early 20s and have two young adult daughters who are living at home for the summer. Our oldest daughter is moving to CA in July and youngest daughter is dealing with the resent onset of bipolar disorder in her boyfriend of 3 years. D has been taking trips to Central and South America frequently for the past 3 years or so. I do not believe he is in another relationship, although that would seem logical.

We came to a compromise that he would go for 3 months and come back home. At that time, he would decide whether he would go back to SA permanently or stay home. About 2 month into his stay in SA he informed me by email that he was only planning on staying home for 2 weeks when he returned. I asked if this meant he was planning on staying in SA permanently and he did not answer clearly. He said he was not happy living in the states and he was happy in SA. He said he just wanted to wander around there and have fun and didn't really want to work much.

In my response, I asked if we should start separation/divorce proceedings, because it looked like this is where things were headed. He said we should separate and think about divorce later, if appropriate.

A couple of weeks later, he called me on my office phone at work and became very emotional, telling me things he had never said before like he was not "in love" with me, but he loved me like a sister. He said we did not have an emotional connection that he needed. I was unable to respond because I was at work in a cubicle and I did not want to be overheard.

I became very upset and distraught after that. I started having panic attacks and my doctor put me on anti-anxiety meds. I am seeing a counselor once a week to try to cope with this issue.

D came home about 2 weeks ago and said he wanted to continue our marriage. He said the reason he left was because he was bored and wanted to have fun, but now he was ready to come home. He says he said those things on the phone because he was upset, but still thinks some of it is true.

So now he wants me to take him back, but he has not expressed any remorse over his initial decision to leave or the things he said over the phone. I would accept him wanting to have a better emotional connection, and if he would have expressed it differently, I would have been happy to attend counseling together and do whatever it took to help our marriage be better. But now, I am having a really hard time accepting him back after what he has said and done. I am strongly considering asking for a separation, and have already suggested it, but he seems to think I don't really mean it and that it's not a good idea.

Should I take him back to save the marriage that I so desperately wanted to save at first, and take the chance that he will become bored or unhappy and take off again? If this happened again, I don't think I could handle it. :confused:

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Mark]

My sense is that it makes the most sense to separate and see how you feel. Right now you are in an ambivalent place, leaning more towards separation (it would seem), but not really comfortable with the notion that the relationship is over. Mostly, you need time to process this all without making decisions you have to commit to. Separation on a temporary basis may be a way to accomplish this.

Whatever you end up doing, rest easy that your thoughts on the matter will continue to evolve, and at some point you will likely know what you want to do. You don't have to commit to any decision until you're comfortable.

It might be a good idea to talk about this process you're in with someone; a trusted friend or a therapist. This is a sort of grief process you're in, and while it is normal enough, it is painful and easier to deal with when you share it. Also, other people have been through similar situations before and perhaps hearing their stories can give you some ideas.

[ssulliva]

Thanks for your reply. I have been seeing a therapist since this all started. D and I have a joint session this week. I have been thinking about separation without making a final decision about divorce. I will bring this up with D and, hopefully, he will understand.

Thanks again.