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Blast from the past!


JustTrying
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As part of my therapy, I am to write my life story.

I came across the part of my life that I spent in a home called New Bethany Home for Girls - in Arcadia Louisiana. I remember what happened there and I was curious, because I was told that after another girl and I ran away from there and told on them that they were closed down.

SOOOO ... using the wonderful Internet I did a search and found an article about the school and one about Rev. Mack Ford. As of 1999 they were still open and still having complaints lodged against them.

I remember that little "cell" they would lock you in. One reason perhaps I can't stand small spaces? I remember the wooden paddles they would literally beat you with for not conforming or mimicking what they wanted you to. I remember having to memorize CHAPTERS of the Bible and having to say them out loud in front of many people.

Most of all I remember that that is the first and only time that my "parents" lied to me. We were suppose to be going on vacation and they instead took me to this place and abandoned me. I never got over that.The people over the place told them to not tell me.

I never felt secure any way , because I was put in foster care at a young age and eventually adopted by my "parents". And then to have the only people that I thought were good to lie to me?

No wonder I am so messed up. I wonder does Bipolar or other mental illnesses have something to do with life experiences or are we just wired that way? I also have PTSD ... and that is brought on by the abuse I suffered not only at the "home" but also other abuse.. sexual etc.

I have anger right now in my heart. I want to look their phone number up and call them "People" and tell them where to go and how to get there. But heck, they won't remember me. The impulsive me would call and call and call and cuss and cuss and cuss. I guess my new meds are working.

If I were drinking right now I probably would do it anyway. But I am trying to abstain and it feels good to abstain. I have an appointment with my therapist Monday and I will discuss this with her. I just needed to "talk" about it right now and get it out of my head so that I can go to sleep and not dwell on it tonight. I knew better than to do a search, but I couldn't help myself.

Thanks for listening, JT

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Hey JT,

Thank you for having the courage to share your pain. You sound like you have an immense amount of pain too.

I don't know for sure, but from what I understand about PTSD you very likely do have that as a result of the beatings. (I have an aquaintance who was physically abused as a child and now has PTSD as well).

As far as the anger you have, well, to me that seems like a normal reaction to what you've been through.

I do know this though: you CAN work your way through all of this and feel better about yourself. It's a long hard road at times, but it is worth it when you begin to feel at peace with yourself.

One thing that helps me is this: I know I cannot change what happened. I know I cannot change the people that did whatever it was to me. People who are abusive to others have problems all their own and unfortunately they cannot see it. My opinion is that they are ignorant. All I can do at this point is consider that what's done is done, and I have to go forward and do the very best I can and make a concerted effort at taking care of me.

Because if I didn't learn one single other thing from the therapy that I spent thousands of dollars on it was this: Take care of myself FIRST.

Which means to be nice to yourself, don't criticize yourself, do things you want to do for enjoyment when you can, make time for those things you enjoy, and request that others show you the respect that you deserve.

Again, thank you for sharing, and let us know how you are doing.

You know from being a member here that you're in a great place to find help too!

-confuzzed

P.S. - great bike!!!!

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Wow, what an incredible story of strength and the human spirit overcoming the crap this world can throw our way. Thank you for sharing with us. Your anger is also a sign of your fight for what is right and justice, clearly a sign of the healing and growth you have made so far. Thank you.

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