Triggers

[wyrnnutz65]

What to do about triggers ones that i may have identified. One big one seems to be my wife. Not her but things about her and my anticipated reaction or how i believe she will react based on past situations. We have had our share of troubles over the past 15 years and the last 3 or so have been really bad. thirty day separation and on again off again counseling. Being a recovering alcaholic and a recent diagnosis of BP disorder i know i bring a lot of problems to the table. the problem for her is she suppressses everything and then does not let them go. I am really struggling and going through a depressed period and a lot of anxiety. trying to talk with her about it brings a one sided conversation and i am to the point of checking in for a short stay at the local hospital. i am desperately holding on to the enjoyment of my two kids. i just can not help but wonder how they feel though after being exposed to our selfishness through the years. there are a few other things i am starting to recognize but i need a trip to the doc first to adjust my meds. anyone any ideas?

[TealBeauty]

Sorry that things aren't going well in your marriage right now. That's very hard to live that way and very sad.

Good communication is one of the essential keys to a good relationship and it sounds like that is something that is lacking for you and your wife right now. I suggest you get yourselves back into marital therapy. If it wasn't helpful before, find a new therapist. That's one of their main functions -- helping the couple learn how to effectively communicate with one another. If you do try counseling again -- and I hope you do -- be sure to express at the outset the very concerns that you have brought up here! If your wife withdraws rather than effectively communicates with you, the therapist should try to help her to recognized and to correct that sort of behavior.

You do bring a lot to the table. Make sure that you don't use the fact that your dual problem of alcoholism and Bipolar Disorder exists as an excuse, in any way, shape, or form. It's likely the reason for much of whatever poor behavior has occurred on your part, but make it clear that you realize that it is by no means an excuse for any of it. The more responsibility that you take for your end of things, the more amenable to working on the relationship your wife is likely to be.

I do so hope that you two manage to find your way back to each other!!! Best of luck to you both!!!!!

[Mark]

TealBeauty has offered good advice re: marital therapy. If you are fighting with your wife, that is not only painful, it will also affect your children's attitudes about relationships for the worse. So, doing what you can do to get your marital relationship back on track would be a good idea.

That said, if you are needing to get your medical treatment for bipolar disorder handled (if you are having a bipolar "flare-up"), that has to take priority. These triggers may be a function of your fragile state. If you can get your bipolar disorder back under better control, the same triggers may still be there but they may not bother you so much.

No relationship is perfect. There are always annoying things about one's spouse or significant other (at least if you live with them long enough; new relationships seem perfect but they are just new). Its important to keep this in mind when trying to think through how to handle a marital problem. A certain level of acceptance and compromise is always necessary. Leaving an established relationship with children who depend on you only makes sense when things are really incompatible and really not working out.

[jannew]

My wonderful husband is having a really hard time coping with my depression. I'm not coping with his approaches to helping me, as it's all I can do to fight the 'black dog' and keep my public behaviour under control, and I'm too exhausted to think of ways he can help. He goes silent on me and sometimes tells me he feels angry with me. He assures me he won't go away or stop loving me, but he has in fact gone abroad to look for a job so it's just the same as leaving me in my mind. I try to separate the two things, but I think he wouldn't have gone away if I hadn't been like this (tearful, down in the mouth, very sensitive to criticism).

I've just re-read what I wrote and realised my husband isn't actually helping me. He's gone away. What do you think?:confused:

[wyrnnutz65]

Mark and Teal B

Thanks for the support and info. I have been told I am an introspective person

and I am very aware of my issues and realize I bring a cargo ship worth of baggage to our family. We sometimes appear to be on the same plane but when we check in we are at other ends of the world. She wanted to leave early in our relationship but did not, and it was not out of commitment it was out of comfort. There are many things that have been problems over the years and it has been hard for both of us to let go of them or bury them, and there is a lot more to post i just do not have the time right now.

thanks again.

Jannew

I can appreciate how you feel and hope that you can stay positive.My wife and I do not really speak of my problem and it just kind of permeates our relationship. She is concerned about my diabetes and any physical problems but the mental stuff she would rather not hear about.

You hang in it is better than the alternative!

[Mark]

Jannew,

it does appear that your husband has gone away (or copes by 'going away"), both emotionally in those silences, and physically (if he actually takes a job away from you).

It is really hard to be around someone who is depressed. Really hard. Depressed people don't much think about what it is like for their partners (becuase it is a part of depression to self-focus), but it is very hard for them. That is one reason why it is important to work on getting out of a depressive place; becuase if you stay there for a long time, you will tend to isolate from others, and they will tend to isolate from you. Relationships can weaken, which makes matters worse.

Mark

[jannew]

Thank you both! Your comments have really helped. I rang my husband (he's on continental Europe, I'm in the UK) and talked to him - really talked to him - about what I've discovered about myself and what this website has taught me. He spent the whole night sitting reading about BP and you know what? He said the most amazing thing: if he'd known what I was suffering from last September when we got married, he would still have married me because he loves me so much and wants to be with me. We even laughed about things, as he has this phrase, "Why can't you be normal?" to which I usually reply (a la "Breakfast at Tiffany's") "Why should I be normal? I prefer to be natural!", and I told him not to expect me ever to be 'normal'. He said that was fine as long as he knows what my 'natural' will be like. He's such a darling. I think now things will begin to get better. Today I feel like a huge weight has lifted off me, just knowing what I am, and how to make a start to get my life sorted. I've made an appointment to see my doctor and I'm going to ask for counselling - especially debt counselling. My daughter's here with me and I have you good folks to chat to. Things can only get better, though I have to watch I don't go into a 'high' and become unrealistic...

Thank you again. I think you saved me from a big 'plunge'...

Jannew

[Mark]

That is a wonderful outcome. Thank you for sharing this good news!

[jannew]

Thanks Mark. Today was different though. We had a big argument. I was in down and silent mode and couldn't generate conversation. He didn't try. We sat in silence. He had a friend round to visit. I think he's happier there than with me and I don't think he'll ever come back.

[Mark]

One data point doesn't make a trend. You've described an ambivalent pattern between you two. I'd suggest you watch it to see if that ambivalence starts to polarize one direction or another and not jump to conclusions until it is clear that there really is a trend.

May I ask if you are in treatment for your depression? Treatment can often help. If you feel better, some of the tension that is in the relationship may ease. Damage may be done already, but even that sometimes can be undone, and if that is a possibility, you will be in a better position to help that happen if you are feeling less depressed.