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Help, Help Please!!


Missy80
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Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if anyone can help me but I feel like I've exhausted all my resources and I don't know what else to do.

For the past three months, I've been suffering from this terrible anxiety. It's not even so much physical anxiety... it's more like constant, racing thoughts. I constantly feel afraid of myself and my own existence. It's like being alive scares me. I feel like I don't know who I am and I am not comfortable with myself or being in my own body. I have tried so many things: I take Effexor, Seroquel and Remeron, I've tried counselling, CBT, hypnotherapy.

I try to go out and distract myself with my friends but I can't stop thinking about my own thoughts and the fact that something feels wrong with me. I feel as though I can't handle anything. I want the days to fly by and they feel like they are going at a snail's pace. I can never settle and enjoy anything. I sometimes pace and smoke cigarettes for hours.

I should mention that I used to have a completely normal life. I was very high functioning, had some great relationships, used to love to party and spend time with friends and achieved top honors in university. This has only just come about recently, when I broke up with a bf of three years. I was hospitalized back in March for depression and anxiety and these strange, ruminating thoughts which the doc at the time said were a form of depersonalization. I got much better in hospital but after I came out, the feelings came back.

I've been back to psych emergency here in my city multiple times. The doctors there will not readmit me and tell me that I have to sort this out on my own. I try so hard but nothing seems to work. It's like at all hours of the day, I feel this sense of dread, of panic and I just want to scream, "HELP ME, SOMEBODY!" I go out with friends and try to talk and laugh but I feel like I'm watching myself. I don't like the sound of my voice. I take no enjoyment in activities anymore. I am only relieved of this in my sleep, where in my dreams I feel like a normal person again, only to wake up and start another day. I am just barely hanging on.

Please, is there anyone out there who can help me?? Is there anyone who has had this experience before? Am I doomed to live this way forever?

Please help.

:)

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Hi Missy80,

I know how overwhelming everything can be, especially when you feel like you have no-where to turn!

Let's start with one thing at a time. Do you have a doctor that is treating you for these problems or are you trying to deal with this on your own?

If you don't have a doctor that is treating you for these problems, then i would suggest that might be a good place to start.

Being in hospital can feel like a safe place sometimes, because it can be quite structured and you can find a daily routine is easy to keep to. When you feel like you are falling, you feel you are in a safe place as everyone else has problems too. You can feel like you can just be and you don't feel like your on the outside looking in. I try to avoid going into hospital (if i can!) I have found when i come home it takes quite a while to adjust to the outside world again. It can seem like everything is coming at you all at once!

The work really starts when you come back out into the real world, because the world doesn't change neither does our problems, we just have to find a new way to deal with them!

I am not in the greatest form myself at the moment but i am trying to stay as positive as i can. Not easy when you have so much going on and you feel you can't find the help you need is it?

Hold on in there, i don't know how your system works as i'm from the U.K but their are some great people on this site who may have ideas on where to start.

Take care of yourself,

Tracey

Edited by tracey.f
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Missy80,

Sorry to hear that you are having so much turmoil. Here, in this community, you are not alone with this and all our members and staff are here to help through support and empathy. In fact, thank you, Tracy, you are right on target. Good work. :)

Missy, you have been tried on a number of medications and you have tried a number of psychotherapies. Therein, may lie your problem. Here is what I mean:

For psychotherapy to work, and I do not care if its CBT or Psychodynamic or "Talking Therapy," it is important to say with one therapist, see that therapist every week without missing appointments, and give it lots and lots and lots of time. In fact, it can take a couple of years. It is the combination of steady psychotherapy with one person and medicine that works best.

Also, it is important to do some self help: meditation, exercise, deep breathing, yoga, etc. These also help to relieve stress and tension. But, here, too, it takes time and patience.

What do you and others think about this???

Allan

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Thanks Allen and Tracey,

I know that it's just going to take time and I have to be patient. Today has actually been an okay day. I am seeing a psychiatrist for this and I did see her this morning. I told her that I didn't think the meds were helping and she responded by saying, "You're on two dual-action antidepressants. There is nothing wrong with the drugs. You have to accept the way you feel and learn to live with it." I didn't really want to hear that but I guess it's true. She has decided to switch me from Seroquel to Risperidone, which I did have some luck with before.

I know what you mean, Tracey, about the hospital being a safe place. It's even harder for me because while I was in there, I made some really good friends and once the meds started working, I actually had a great time there! It's embarrassing to say so but I loved how everything was just sure and certain and how people were there in the same boat as me. I even had a little hospital romance. I came out of there feeling strong and with a whole new perspective on life, but that quickly changed once I got back to work and the 'real world'.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and try not to get mired down in my negative thinking. For eg, if I have a good morning but a bad afternoon/evening, I will automatically focus on the bad part and start telling myself that it's hopeless and that no one will be able to help me, etc etc. I know that I have to instead live for the good times.

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