Seeking help to overcome being a pedophile

[sillyrabbit]

Hello everyone,

For many many years, I have been attracted to younger girls... girls that are much younger than me. Now I'm thinking that maybe the attraction part isn't such a bad thing. There are books with photos of nude young girls from David Hamilton and Jock Sturges, and I don't feel that it's so bad to admire the beautiful girls in there. But then again, my attractions are a bit stronger.

My problem is that I masturbate to "inappropriate porn". Currently, this is only a fantasy of mine and has never become a reality, but my fear is that if the opportunity presented itself to me, then that fantasy could become a reality. I am smart enough to know the consequences of such actions, both to myself and to the girl so I definitely don't want anything bad to happen. My fear is that I just won't care or won't think about the consequences at the time.

I have a theory on how this all started. When I was a young child (maybe 6~7), I was at a friend's birthday party. At the party was a young girl a couple of years older than me. Without getting into too much detail or making it too graphic, she essentially taught me how to perform oral to her in the bathroom, and then we moved into a bedroom where we undressed fully. Shortly after, some parents had caught us in the bedroom. I was very embarrassed about the whole situation. My parents had long talks with the other parents, and it made me feel very ashamed. However, since I never had the chance to see what was going to happen and what could have been, I kept fantasizing about it as a kid.

To this date, I feel like a part of me is still trying to relive that day and I still fantasize about it.

I have never seen a therapist about this, which I'm sure would the first piece of advice. I figured I'd see if I can get some free help online here first.

Also, I'm currently 28 years old and am happily married for over a year now. I feel that I lead a normal lifestyle and have a normal social life. My wife doesn't really know about my problems, and I'd like to keep it that way as I'm sure she'd be really embarrassed and ashamed about it... although I know that she would not leave me if she knew.

So I guess my questions are.... Is it still healthy and ok to at least admire the beauty of young girls? And what can I do to ensure these sexual fantasies don't ever become a reality?

Thanks

[u.r.what.u.is]

Sexual attraction to young girls is probably somewhat common. I experience it for sure...it's an imprint on my mind from the first kind of sexual attraction I felt as a young boy - when I was too young to understand what it was. I remember always liking little girls' legs, especially in tights or long socks. Whatever, it's how my brain is wired.

That said, there is no f--king way you or I will ever go there...no way; period. If I feel attraction for a minor, I say to myself, "let her have her childhood" and I move on. End of story. There are plenty of adult women in the world so there's no reason to mess with any kid. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you molested a minor? I can't imagine the black hole of despair and guilt that would hurl me into.

EDIT - I forgot to ask what you mean by "inappropriate porn". If you mean child pornography, then get the heck away from it; there's not much more I can say. You don't even want the people who make that stuff to get any hits on their websites..or anything that would give them incentive to continue their crimes.

Edited January 10, 2010 by u.r.what.u.is

[genesis]

If child pornography is indeed what you were speaking of, I must agree with what urwhatuis said. Don't give them any incentive to continue their crimes. That said, another excellent reason to say away from those sites (other than obviously temptation) some law enforcement agencies monitor those sites.

You're attracted to what you're attracted to, personally I cannot condemn anyone else's sexual attractions.

Someone once said "The journey from your mind to your hands is shorter than you're thinking." So my only advice or suggestion to you is avoid tempting situations such a being alone with a minor. And find a therapist or at least someone that will hold you accountable for your actions regarding this part of your life.

-Genesis