fetish in a relationship/ masochism

[carrion]

dont want to keep this up anymore, im moving on

Edited August 16, 2009 by carrion
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[malign]

Meh, it has next to nothing to do with "deviancy". You're not really that far out there, as far as I can see.

But you don't seem to see it that way, and that belief is keeping you from being honest with your girlfriend. That's what I would suggest you try to get counseling for. If the fetish comes up in therapy, that's okay, but it seems more significant to me that you don't seem to feel like you're worth sticking up for.

[carrion]

thanks for the reply malign it was reassuring.

Edited August 16, 2009 by carrion
delete

[malign]

You don't sound whiny.

Do you look at other women just because they're wearing boots?

It seems to me that if the attachment to her is the priority, the rest is between the two of you.

[carrion]

nogggggggggggggggggggggggggggg:D

Edited August 16, 2009 by carrion

[malign]

Ay. Why is that sad?

I was married, not happily, but hey.

I never once reached a climax with her without imagining someone else.

Not any particular someone else, just random assortments of images.

But did I avoid thinking of her because she was cold and angry, or did she get that way because she sensed what I was doing.

At least you're thinking of the woman you love.

[carrion]

ha ha you definetly seem like aglass half full kind of person which is good, the things you have said make me think that I should just shut up and get on with it. I wonder if you ever found your ex that attractive or did you just want to do things she wouldnt?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Carrion,

Malign has done a great job of being really very supportive of you. Thank you, Malign, you are doing a great job.

Carrion, if I understand corrrectly, you posted in the new members section and no one responded? I always check our new members and your post must have gotten past me because I have no memory of seeing it. That happens sometimes, especially if two or more new people post at or near the same time, the first to post may accidentally get pushed out of the way. Please do not assume that no one wanted to respond to you. That is just no the truth. I am pleased you have been persistent.

Frankly, I agree with Malign, that there is nothing perverted or sick about your particular fetish. You are not breaking any laws, your girl friend is happy to accomodate you even though she does not want you to look at other women with boots, but, that is often the case. Just remind her that there is no harm in looking as long as you come home to her.

Malign has picked up on it but, have you noticed, your tendency to "put yourself down?"

Allan:)

[carrion]

hi dr Schwartz,

thanks for your reply, I have noticed this and I realize I apologise for myself a lot. Sometimes I feel like im a shit person that there isnt any point in talking to but conversely sometimes I feel that I am great and can at times feel superior. Neither states are particularly healthy, im a bit shy not overly so I still manage to get jobs and stuff like that. I get the feeling your linking my fetish with low self esteem?

once again thanks for your help its cathatic talking to someone even over thenet

[malign]

Well, ya know, to an experienced observer (or pretty much anyone else), taking a name that means 'dead meat' is a bit of a tip-off for self-esteem issues. ;-)

I don't think Allan is so much linking the fetish to low self-esteem. To me, a fetish is a fetish; it's just what you like to do.

But worrying about the fetish may have something to do with a pattern of low self-esteem. It's as if you're looking for a reason why you deserve to feel bad about yourself.

As for me being a glass-half-full kind of person, I've never felt that way in the past. I do find that in the effort to be supportive of people on here, I've actually begun changing my own thinking to be more positive. Weird huh? Maybe these guys are on to something when they say that thinking affects feeling.

My marriage was a mistake; in my opinion, because I fell in love with the idea of being a family (she had two kids, one grown, when I met her) rather than falling in love with her, really. So the whole time, I was trying to make myself believe something was there when it wasn't. It's a different perspective, quite unlike the relationship you describe.

[carrion]

I know I have self esteem problems but not as chronic as you imply I just feel a bit pointless from time to time, this does go hand in hand with my fetish as some of my lowest points were when I first started sleeping with my girlfriend and I knew the fetish was interfering. I have never seriously considered suicide but I came closest to it then I think.

Malign what you say about your relationship sounds sad, I replied to the first thread you did but you may not have seen it. I basically said maybe a fresh start could do you a load of good, I dont know too much about relationships as I am still relatively young but living with someone you love can occasionally drive you insane. Living with someone you dont love must be a million times worse, as I said I am a masochist but I sometimes get sadistic thoughts towards my housemates

[malign]

Thank you, I did see your other post; I just wasn't sure how to answer. That was my first real post on here, and it feels like forever ago now. Well, here goes, a quick summary of my last six months:

Last fall, I was living with my wife. I was depressed and having suicidal fantasies. Not so much wanting to kill myself, as imagining myself doing it. All sorts of ways and for large amounts of my days. Perhaps I share a touch of masochism: I stayed with her for six years, after all. ;-)

My mother died in November; as a result of the marriage, she and I had been somewhat estranged for a couple of years before. I did get to see her before she died, for which I'm forever grateful.

Early this year, my wife and I became more distant with each other, eventually sleeping apart for over a month. During that time, she appears to have become more and more fearful of me. I had had angry outbursts with her in the past, but I would never touch her. Walls, however, have occasionally suffered at my hands. ;-)

Anyway, late in February, she filed to get a protective order against me. With no notice, one morning at 5:30 AM, I was awakened by several police officers at the door. I had to leave with just a suitcase. Heh, okay, startin' to feel sorry for myself ... ;-)

I now have an apartment and a car and something approximating a life. Of course, I also have the existing mortgage and the obligation to pay the utilities for her. We're in the midst of negotiating a settlement, which is what we need to make this final.

I've changed a lot over that time period. I'm starting to see a purpose in life, and it has been months since I had any fantasies of suicide. So I guess, the short answer is, you're right, it wasn't the life for me, and there's a better one out there for me. Now at least, I'm looking in the right places. :-)

[carrion]

well its good to hear your getting there and hopefully things can only get better, thats a cliche though, most probably things will get better then worse then better etc.

[malign]

Yup, life's a beach; it comes in waves. ;-)