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JustTrying
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Been up since 5 am. I fell asleep last night before the Nascar race was over, had a bout 5 laps left! So I have to see who won. My "little Fellow" wasn't in there ... Jamie McMurrey (sp) and my second pick Kasie Kane wasn't there either!:confused:

I am just the slightest bit manic, I think, or maybe this is just how I am suppose to feel. I have energy and I am truly happy. With all that has happened in the past few months, it is amazing to me that I am happy. Of course I am not drinking either. To think I must have enjoyed getting drunk and crying in my beer,.... little did I understand that this person I am becoming was inside me... you can't get this feeling from a bottle.

Put my Hummingbird feeders out yesterday.The hummingbird checked them out, but didn't eat any. I put sugar water in them, I think that is what you are suppose to use. Mowed the fenced in yards and brought Minnie in and gave her a bath. I tired to trim her hair and ended up cutting her. I will try to trim some more today outside. Clipped her nails too.

We have puppies!!! Teeter had 3 but somehow , when I was at my Husbands..1 got lost or got ate or something. That puppy is nowhere to be seen. She is only a little over a week old.

I went to a thrift store the other day and for $5.75 I got 8 pair of jeans that actually fit me and 2 shirts! The pants all look like new. I had been wearing 9's but I lost some weight and they were real bagggy....These are 6's and they fit good. Also makes me feel better when I look better.

Go to the church tonight for the first time. It is part of my probation.I can cut my "class" time in 1/2 if I goto the church services once a week. It is Pentecostal (sp) I am Baptist... it may not help me, but surely it won't hurt me. I have heard about churches like this but I guess I will go and see for myself. They wear those long ankle length skirts but they said I could wear pants... I do have some dresses that are decent I may wear them although I don't have a tan yet.

My friend with the failing liver is on the CB... I think he has been on there all night. He sounds good. I haven't talked to him yet. My husband and I are going to go and mow his grass and get rid of some limbs for him today or tomorrow.

That is all that is going on in my world so far!

Peace!!!! JT

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Hi Just Trying,

This is a lovely thread. Well I am going to take it easy today, a promise my husband and I made during the week. We are off to the cinema shortly to see "My Sisters Keeper", anyone seen it?. I know we get movies later on this side of the Atlantic (Europe). Tried to convince my youngest (13) year old son to come with us but he has seen the trailer and thinks it is too girly.

My daughter (18) is on her first holiday away with friends, she is in Cyprus. Just got a text to say she came home this morning at 6am from a nightclub:eek:. Her text yesterday said she was about to do some paragliding - her dad is just recovering from that news - wont tell him about todays text yet.

My 16 year old son is convinced he has the 'swine flu'. Yes he is unwell but will he take medication for me?, have to bribe him big time. He also won't stay still long enough to allow himself get better, he has ADHD.

I can see out of the corner of my eye a massive pile of ironing:(, my most unfavourite past-time. What do you hate to do around the house?

Have a lovely day all.

Goose

Edited by goose
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Morning!

I hate to do the yard work, and hate to hand wash dishes, dust and fold clothes!!!

With this new medication, it is hard to just sit still so, all of that is getting done!:)

Up at 4 am this morning. Feel totally relaxed and wide a wake. Didn't go to sleep until midnight. I suppose I am a tad manic. I can take a Melitonin if it gets to where the lack of sleep is bothering me. I have an appointment on the 24th to talk to my Pdoc and I will tell her about the not needing of sleep ( worded that funny!!! ) Personally I am not bothered by it. This is a good manic, not the angry mean manic. If you know what I mean. Have also been sober for almost 30 days and quitting drinking has been known to cause some sleepless nights... they say for 6mo to a year sometimes.

Went to Church last night. Let me explain, I am court ordered to take this class for 24 weeks. The ACTS class.... but if I go to the church where these classes are held and attend services for 12 weeks then I can cut my time in half. 3 months instead of 6 months.

So that is the reasoning behind it. Ok , it may not help but, it sure won't kill me. I was raised in a religious home and have some issues with trusting people that are "religious", due to problems that I have had with Members of the church and preachers. To make a long story short, I witnessed a bunch of Hypocritical things growing up and was abuse by some "religious" people in New Bethany Home For Girls.

God and I have had a relationship on and off for years. I do not like being forced to listen to preaching, but I am trying to keep an open mind. At the ACTS classes they discuss some form of addiction and then preach for 45 minutes. Last time I found myself falling into the preaching, getting that warm fuzzy feeling... and they I remembered, that man may be a preacher but, he is not God and what he is saying is just his opinion based on his interpretation of the Bible.

As a child I though all adults where wiser than me.

I am Baptist, and this church is Pentecostal. I went and sat in the back. It truly was interesting, the 1 1/2 hr just flew by.They are a lot louder than Baptist and they have a band. There was allot of of singing and hand clapping. I don't know why the preacher used a microphone, he would have been loud without it.

No warm and fuzzy feelings... But I listened with an open mind. I know my Mother was sitting up in Heaven thanking God for giving me that DUI and having me sent to church! She must have been wearing a smile.

I suppose religion , like politics is a taboo.. subject , but I do not wish to debate the Bible ... Just tell how I feel about religion in general.

I guess my biggest turn off is the big fancy buses this church has, and the new expensive suit the preacher had on. Now mind you , he seems like a nice man.

But I can't help but see "REV."Mack Ford..... I can't help but remember him sleeping in his "Mansion" and all of us girls not even having air condition in Louisiana. He would take a group of girls and go traveling and have them sing and collect money.

At the church last night they collected money for a Children's Home.... I just wondered.. are those poor kids being abuse like we were? Are they being exploited and used like we were?

My Mother and her Preacher thought they were sending me to a good place and it turned out not to be. It caused me allot of damage, Things that I still haven't dealt with and hope to deal with with my new therapist.

Over the years I have learned how to become a CON.... and although I don't do it , I use to be very good at it. You just have to tell people what they want to here. To me allot of organized religion is just a con for money and prestige.

DANG!!!! Guess I got a little too serious !

Teeter is moving the male puppy all the time. I am afraid she is going to kill him, she wants to bring him in the house. Always the male puppy never the female. I planned on keeping the male and Hubs was thinking of keeping the female.... I had the other female sold , but she went missing.

Little Bit is coming into heat.... she weighs about 6 lbs... We are not going to let her be bred.

Thinking about staying home this week, if it won't worry Hubs... He actually drove me to the church and waited for me for almost 2 hrs ( they had baptism) He was afraid I would get to the parking lot and then change my mind. I do not like crowds or new things... I sorta snuck in , sat in the back and left as fast as I could, although everyone was very nice.

If I go to TN. I am going to take Teeter and the Pups , plus I have to take Pocket ( the diabetic dog).

I have been going through things in the house in preparation for a yard sale this upcoming weekend. I also have ads in the paper to sell things. I have plenty to do but I think Hubs is afraid to leave me with money afraid I will drink.... not going to, but I have put him through this so many times. It will take time for him to understand, that for the first time in what seems like forever, I feel good.

Gonna close this book for now.... Perhaps I need to start a BLOG... Is this what this is??? Never understood what a blog was ... will look that word up...

JT

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JT,

You do "sound" a little hypomanic in your posting. Yes, you should discuss this with your "pdoc."

As for being mandated to go to this program or to this Church, I have never understood how being mandated to do anything can possibly help. In my experience it only creates resentment. I guess it is good that you are keeping an open mind. But, I have always had a problem with being mandated. Frankly, I even hated the "required classes" in college. Oh, well.

Allan :)

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Yep , Manic! But I just love not being depressed...

I will tell my Pdoc about it Friday. Hopefully she will just up the Lithium but that will mean more bloodtests in the future.

I am In TN with Hubs. I tend to sleep alot up here during the day. I think that is boredom. It is a small apartment and only so much to do. Not really into TV much and can't get on the internet until after 5 pm.

We found a NA meeting in Somerville, TN at 8 pm. I am going to go to it next Tuesday.There may be some in Covington that are not listed but they will know.

I go Friday to NA to get my 30 Day Key Ring! I wants to collect them all!

My therapist yesterday knew I was a little manic... But dang it I feel good! But all it would take would be a few beers and the BITCH would be back! But thank goodness I don't have to worry about that today.

Think I am going to start a blog.....

TT you all later, JT

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Hi there folks

My world is a bit strange and unpredictable at mo. Im in hospital at present and to be quite honest im a bit sick of seeing sick people and long for the day when the shrinks say that i can go home. Thankgod this hospital lets you use laptops thats all i can say.

So i guess i have had a pretty structured day today, no shock there for those of you that have ever been on one of these kinds of wards.

The highlight of my day ( if you can call it that ) was when i realised that the cook here was actually as rubbish at cooking as i am .

I miss my children dearly and am looking forward to the end of the wk when hopefully if all goes well i can get day release to see them for the first time in well over a week,

not got a very excitiing life at mo . but it will get better, i hope.

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Welcome Jessica Jane! Hope things turn out well for you. Welcome Goose too!

I am keeping a blog for my therapist on another site, so I don't know If I have the wordds to keep two blogs... so I just thought I would post.

Pdoc upped the Lithium to 3 - 300 mil a day. She said to try that and to adjust it as I saw fit because I can tell better than she what is going on with me. I go back in 3 months and have to have blood tests before then to make sure the level is good. On 2 pills a day, it was right at the bottom of the spectrum. Just barley in the right range. The doctors will know what I am talking about. Also my body will handle the medication diffrent when I am not drinking verses when I was drinking all the time. Very dangerous to drink on these meds.

Pulled a drunk Thursday...:eek: but threw the leftovers away the next day and turned downa free 20 pack. I still fell good , as far as my mind is in a good place. If I work AA/NA My counting would start over... but If I don't work them, then I still have sober time.As I look at the calender and see the days that I marked with an X ... the days I didn't drink... I still feel good. To me the idea of going back to day 1 is depressing. That is like knotting a sweater and missing a stitch and having to pull it all out and start all over.

I still haven't decided on AA/NA or not. But I am going to go to a few meetings and see what happends. Personally I think the therapy and staying busy will help.

Today is yardsale day! Wish me luck!

JT

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Good evening !

It's a HOT summer eve out here in California. We have had triple didget heat. So my son and I , + dogs have stayed inside today .My teenager has been staying up late and sleeping in most of the day, which gives me a break:) .

My yorkie and our little 13 week old Shih Tzu puppy hang out in the apartment, with the AC on >

I have not been on here for a while, I can't SI since my son is out of school, however, it has been difficult, and I have been obssesed over this again> Not good .

My therapist is gone this week on vacation, so that sucks .But what can I do? Not a thing .Oh well .

Soon my son will be turning 16 years old . I've been a single parent for that long, and to a disabled child. My how time marches on.

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Hello Mscat.... sorry to hear of your difficulties. The obsession to do anything addictive can be very strong and hard to deal with. Know that you are in my prayers.

Went to church tonight. I felt nothing at the service. Nothing good or bad... just nothing. I did get to hear them talk in tongues a little bit... interesting.

I am in a good place tonight. My friend with Cirrhosis is back in the hospital and he is delusional. I went Friday and spent some time with him and fed him. The next day he said to me ... " I know you! Your the one who won't let me eat!" I fed him! But he kept wanting to go to the bathroom and eat, and I wouldn't let him do that.

I think back to 7 years ago when he was my age. Could anyone have predicted he would be in the shape he is in because of drinking? I had test done about a year ago and my liver and all is healthy... or it was.. am I slowly killing myself? Tomorrow is his Birthday. He will be 47 years of age. I doubt he will see 48.

I have decided to go about this on my own with the help of God. I prayed this morning to have the obsession to drink lifted and I drove right by the beer store 2 times today and the thought to stop and get beer never crossed my mind. I can do this, maybe not alone but with the help of God and my friends and family... I can do this.

The puppies are growing so FAT! They are going to be big healthy Min Pins.

That is about it for tonight! Catch you all later! JT

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hi JT, How cool that you have Min pin pups :cool: I have one 13 weeker and boy she is a handful :P

It's anther scorcher her in HOT California. It's 10am and were about 90' already, no joke. My pup goes in to the vet the afternoon, i'll have my brother drive , it's over a 45 min drive > LAtely i've have have huge memory problems, when talking. Even watching tv, do not know which show it is I am watching and stuff. I'm only 40. Don't do drugs, or drink either, but the Dr put me on folic acid cause I was low n that, and B12, somethings up , cause slowly the memory is going.

Anyway, other then that everything is peachy ! CA budget cuts , I might lose my in home support services , 40,000 people are getting cut. I am unsure if that will effect me yet or not.

If you don't live in CA , then I highly reccomend that you plan on NOT moving here in the near future . Just a tip ! ;)

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Morning.... only have a few minutes this morning...

MSCAT.. it is raining here in TN.!!! Muddy in the scrapyard... I will be glad when we get the yard cleaned up and some sod put down. Doesn't look like anytime real soon... but I wish it was done yesterday!

Got the baby and of course Pocket with me .. the baby is in heat and she doesn't know what is up! I hope to get them all fixed soon, most of them are. I would like to think Love made the world go around, but I am afraid it is money.....

Feel very well this morning... in a good place.

May do some painting today or clean some bricks... they pay 10 cents a brick!

Later, JT

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It's Wednesday, eve. and I am a bit upset, money wise :) mainly because i been trying to save for my sons birthaday, and its not working too well. I have hadto transfer funds back into checking account, and they keep trying overdraw my account> Yuck .As a single mom , it is maddening. My kid is disabled, has high functioning autism and cognitive delays, likes his routines, and when that is messed up, he becomes irate, that is what I get to deal with nOW .

It sucks, but , it will be ok. Trying to make ends meet, extra long summer months, the heat, triple digets , a grouchy teenager, could it get any better:rolleyes:

Therapist is on vacation this week too, which is different, I am still in my Pj's. oh well, nice to be lazy . My kid is upset, he won't eat > Damn.

I hate it when my adult issues gets in the way , it has nothing to do with him, poor kid, he got wind of it, now he's stressed. now this makes me feel like a bad parent.

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My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son Mscat.

Had a few words with my husband this morning. But I think it cleared the air. I know I feel better and I feel like he is treating me better... not being an old grouch!

Got the utility room painted, at least the first coat, but the paint won't cover the lines that are on the plywood. Gonna have to try some Kilz I think. I stayed up here the extra day to get it done so that we can bring the washer and dryer up. But, alas!

Yes! I want life to be a bed of roses... but I must remember roses have thorns too!

The babies, (dogs) are laying on their blanket. They look so peaceful and satisfied. I can't wait to get home tomorrow and see if the puppies have opened their eyes yet.

I feel so much better now that Hubs is not being a grouch. I believe that environment has much to do with mood. Just like the weather or daylight or lack of daylight. If I am feeling down and sleepy, if I go outside for 15 minutes or so, I can change my mood. A smile from my husband can do the same. Just My opinion, but that is how it seems to work for me.

I will keep you all updated on the pups!

NEXT???????

JT

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest GingerSnap

It's late afternoon and the dehydrator is filled with bananas. I am waiting for the bus to bring home my adult son with DS from the day center and disappointed that I didn't get an email from my older son who is stationed in Afghanistan as it worries me because he is involved in Security and the election is on the 20th and things get worse every day there. I'm wondering today if many other people have hobbies that could bring them "rewards" - make them feel better about themselves. With my younger son, it means a lot to him to have things that he has made and gives him a good feeling about himself. I have stacks of projects I am working on as well as fixing this old house that we bought. I'm perplexed by the state of the world most of the time.

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Hello everyone... Thought I would pop in for a few.

Been trying to stay busy. I am cleaning out the attic in preparation for another yard sale. The medication seems to be working... I feel more leveled out, I am still getting things accomplished, but I do not feel manic.

I stayed home this week witht he puppies, they have a foot fetish!! They love to chew on my bare feet. They go Monday to have their ears done.

A neighbor that I have never talked to invited me to the Revival at her church. I went to 2 meetings. This church is more like the ones I grew up in. I may go back this Sunday. Still no warm and fuzzy feelings.... I have been talking to God and that seems to be going well....

Looks like the drinking is down to 1 day a week. I don't know why I still drink, I don't really want it. Perhaps it has to do with control. My therapist says that the drinking, cutting and not eating are all ways that I try to control things.

I am suppose to write a list of good things about me this week... I just can't think of many. All I ever see about me are the bad things...

Have been laying out in the sun and finnally got rid of the bloated stomach, so I feel good. Still at 135.... so the meds are not making me gain weight.. that is good.

Hope everyone has a great day!

JT

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Hey JT,

When you think of all the bad things, do you give yourself credit that you're not doing them (as much), any more?

When I first met you (nine months ago, now, wow), you were having some pretty bad times ... You seem so much better now, more whole. Sure, there's still work to do; who's ever going to be finished? But you sound pretty happy these days, and that's pretty great to hear.

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To tourdelove, hang in there, I am very sorry things are so hard for you right now. I hope it is less stressful for you , and things become better.

My son son had his 16th Birthday on Aug. 10th :) . omg, do I feel old :) I've raised my child on my own since he has been born . A little accomplishment because of his autism and cognitive delays, then me, falling to the wayside into my old behaviors of Deppression, BPD, among other struggles, however this happened when he was older. A blessing in disquise I believe I may have not been able to continued raising him alone, on top of my own problems too if he were to be still a young child with autism .

I am proud of my kid. He is verbal, and high functioning as far as autism goes. However is cognitive delayed placing him years younger then his age. His brain is at a 8yr old , and emotionally around a 6 yr old. this can be a challenge , not only that he repeats topics of his own primary intrests. OVER and OVER again, non stop. Oh gosh what a headache. He loves dates of movies and actors , dates of deaths and when they were born. He talks constanly about about things that happened in the past, negative crap, that he knows were unaccaptable, It was not me either, it was when I was away, he speaks of these incidents over and over . He is a great kid though .A honest kid. Never lies.

He is a literal thinkier with a photographic memory. Like all teenagers he has attitude. That is great fun for me to deal with :)

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Morning Mscat and Tourdelove, and anyone else just reading!:rolleyes:

Cat--- I do give myself credit although I feel like others do not see it the way I do. ( My therapist does) I haven't cut in a very long time....I have drank only 4 time since June 23rd 2009. The reason for the cut down on drinking was that I was extremely suicidal and actually called my Husband and told him that I need to be with him ... he works out of town, so I started going to his apartment 3 -4 days a week. That way I wouldn't drink and I wouldn't be alone.

Considering I was drinking 4-5 days a week, I think I am doing great. I still don't know why I drink, other than I am just not ready to give it up. It also is the "Bad" Little girl syndrome! Daddy ( husband) Doesn't want me too so I have to .... I don't know if anyone understands that .....

The new medication is helping so much... sometimes I get a little manic, or a little down, but I am not rapid cycling like I was.

_________________________________________________________________

Tourdelove.... quote: What's going on in my world? Mmmm, confusion. Delusion. obsession. Being stuck... slowy unstucking myself but mostly spinning my wheel.

trying to be good to myself. Trying to see people, even if it's a real struggle. Trying to destroy my health on the one hand, and not destroy it on the other.

_________________________________________________________________

I can so relate... by drinking , exspecially on these meds, I am playing Russian Roulette with my liver. When I am not drinking , I take vitamins, eat well and try to take care of myself and then... I will go on a drunk...has only been one day lately but, I have been known to go on a 2-3 day bender. On those days, I eat nothing, I do not take care of myself and do crazy things....

I love it when I feel good and healthy... and then I sabotage it.

__---------------------------------------------------------------

Waiting for the sun to come up so I can tan some more... I am almost the shade I want to be. I look so much better...It is brining the red out in my hair tough. I hate to dye it ... all the dyes turn my hair too dark.

After I get done with this coffee... I am going to get back into the Attic. I don't think I am going to have the Yard sale today. I would have to ride the lawn mower over there and I would rather stay home and get some sun.Think I am getting addicted to it!!!

The fellows are on the CB this morning. But they are boring me today!

Hubs should be home tonight. Then I will haul all this stuff over to the old house and have a sale next week. I will have to price all the stuff and set it out.

Off to read my books and do my prayers....

everyone have a great day!

JT

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Oh JT, I think it's great that you cut down on the drinking. I know how hard it can be to cut down on something, especially if you are around others, your friends, that do something you don't want to do anymore... I am trying to cut down smoking :rolleyes: and I feel so strange and trapped.... I still go to the gym, but it's hard to get there for me. And I also cut down on my drinking... I never drank that much, just in the past two years, because I am single [i guess] and started going out a lot and hanging out with this one group of friend... it was just not what I wanted to do....

For me it's so hard because, this group of friends, not that they are necesseraly bad... they just drink and smoke that's all. And that's all they do... But my best friend hangs out with them, and right now, because I have hardly any friends, and I live by myself, I so crave companionship that I call her again, and go hang out, and then, get trapped in all sorts of weirdness.

Yesterday, for example, my friend got really drunk. Not that it bothers me so much, but it's just the interaction with her boyfriend. I had to take care of her, and her BF becomes jealous of me, and tells me nasty things, than says he's sorry, than asks me to take care of her because he wants to party... I feel sad. It's like I don't really exist anymore. Nobody really calls me anymore. I call them. And then, all I do is bring them home in my car, and then drive home. disapointed and bored. But it's either that, or being completely alone. Sometimes I just go out with these people so that I am not ashamed if someone asked me, what did you do last night? I can still pretend I have some friends.

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What's going on in my world? last night my son & I just could not sleep. We went to Hanford , on Friday to do our regular weekly friday night outing. It is a 45 mile trip one way , since we live out in the boonies. My son is going back to school on Monday, and "says it is monday is back to hell" he is going back as a Jr. in a SDC class. Out of town. In a wonderful program. He loves his teacher , and the kids, but getting back into the swing of things after a a few months is never fun for any kid.

This is the time when it becomes difficult for me to cope. I don't have him home all day , and even though he drives me nuts at times, at least he is home , and when he's not, I am lost. I tend to fall back into old patterns and behaviors , and just can't control those numbing unreal , spacey lost, too quiet times.

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Tourdelove, I can realate to that also. Although I am married my husband is out of town and It seems like, except for one person, I am the one that always does the calling... I actually quit calling for a few weeks to see if anyone would call me. One actually did and the other did ask about me on the radio.

I am in the process of making some new friends. People that I would never associate with while I was drinking heavey...Because, I like to get drunk and cry in my beer and that tends to get on peoples nerves.

A neighbor invited me to church. She is older than I ... they all are... but perhaps she and I will becomefriends ... she has invited me to come and sit on her porch and drink coffee in the mornings. It is very difficult for me to be around people sober, but I don't need to be around people when drinking.

___________________________________________

MSCAT.... Hang in there.... come here and post .. or yu can PM... I know this is a hard time for you ... just know you are in my prayers.

____________________________________________________

Washed all the dogs and got rid of as many fleas as I could. They have been bad this year. It was only 5 more that I let in the house but it feels like 20!! I am going to let them stay in for a few days or at least today. I don't think my nerves can take all of them in the house.... Gidget's sugar is running about 70 (low) and she has lost a lot of weight so she needs to stay in.

I love my dogs dearly but I put them out of the house because I couldn't handle the stress..

Going to church in a bit. I want to check out this preacher...

Have a Great day.... and I will TT you all later!!!

JT

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JT,

I hope that going to church helps you feel better. That was nice of the older lady to invite you. I think that it is great to stay away from people who drink and try to hang around sober friends, even though it is difficult . My brother is a drinker, and is in denial , the thing that scares me is that he also has dieabets type 2 , drinks too much bud lite , and never can see that he's drunk either, he becomes relaxed and nicer as he drinks more and more. That is how he copes. What I try to make him understand is that if I SI that is a way of coping as well. He does not get it though. :rolleyes: I worry that his blood sugar is going to get him into a world of trouble with the amount of drinking he consumes, yet he can't se that his behavior his self destructive?

Self injury , self harm , the way I cope is just as bad as his way at dealing with things .

Anyway , today , I HAVE to do all the laundry ! It's back to school for Matthew tommorow, and we both need clean clothes to wear. I procrastinate on the laundry , it's not one of my favorite chores . Then it piles up . I have to go to the laundry rm. ANd it's a big complex , I live in the very back, so I drive around to the front , seriously it is that big ! & I have that much to wash.

I son Makes me feel so old , after turning 16yrs old less then a week ago. My gosh it seems like yesterday I was that age .Where does the time go?

I hope your dogs feel better after their baths. My two are my babies. They are indoor little ones. A yorkie and a Shih tzu puppy, who is full of attitude. The pup is not even 4 months old. Matthew has bad allergies so I got these kind that are hypoallergenic and are non shedding breed . They are adorable . The yorkie is in my avater, her name is Suzi, and the puppy is Miely, she is my son's dog.

Edited by mscat
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