What is going on in your world...

[JustTrying]

MSCAT.... I see drinking as a way of SI for me. I use to cut too, so I know what you are talking about. When I drink one day... I fall down or somehow end up with bruises... always black out... but if I go on a 2-...... day bender... I don;t take care of myslef, I don't take care of the dogs, I don't eat, I don't care.... all I care about is the next drink... until I get so sick that I will sit and take a drink, throw it up and take another drink....

It is like I am punishing myself for being alive.... When I cut... well people say that I am pretty... it was like I was trying to destroy that... I don't deserve to be pretty. when people say they like my personality, I feel the same I don't deserve to have a good personality. Not to get into it too much, but my parents wou8ldn't stop drinking and partying long enough to take care of me... If my parents didn't think I was good enough then how can anyone else???? And when people see the good side of me I try to run them off... I don't know why.... Guess that is why I am in therapy.

Sorry.... bad subject for me...

I will be back later...

JT

[mscat]

JT,

You have ben through so much , and I understand what your saying. If it is any comfort at all, It makes sense to me as to why you have chose to self destruct in this manner .It is all youhave really ever known, and hate . IMO, it makes perfect sense as to why then drinking is / SI for you, as well as cutting .My brother is a heavy drinker, however does not see what I do to myself the SI the same as what he does, he also has diabetes type 2. It pissess me off that I can't talk to him about it . Or at least turn to him . He is the one turning to me for emotional support, Oh well I guess it because I am his older sister .

At least i can help him . I am in therapy too, that is who I have, and in here.

Today, I am alone. It is odd . Just me and Suzi/yorkie and Miely the Shih Tzu puppy. SHe still plays all the times and eats anything she can get her teeth into. Her fav. Underwear

The apt is so quiet , we can hear the next door neighbor girl , that sets off the pup , barking in her high pitch woooof . It is still hotter then the dickens out in the San Jouquin Valley. The AC is on full blast and the sound that makes echos throughout the apt, at least it's central air .

Tomorrow is therapy. I feel lost and numb as I type this. Oddness is all around me. Fighting dissocation and a loss of connection from oneself right now. It is and happens at these times . These times of alone . Blinking furiously to try and wake myself up out of this trance .Drinking coffee too. I hate this , and hate it some more. Screaming inside now. It will be ok, because it has happened all too often, way too often numerous times to write about.

After the coffee, I'll go out on the balcony for a ciggarete . Yeah I smoke . Maybe turn on music to wake the trance up and the numbness out . God I hate the deadness that is already there , Already dead , but breathing . How strange.

[malign]

Cathy,

Can you go connect to the puppies? Pet them, play with them, break out of the numbness?

Find the life that's in there. That's you. And we need you, whole.

[tracey.f]

Hi, it has been a little while since i dropped in, how is everybody doing?

Mscat, i am so sorry to hear that your not doing so well at the moment. Hold on in there, please give yourself a moment to just breathe.

Well in my world things are a little weird at the moment, to be quite honest i don't know where i am in myself or my state of mind.

I am feeling anything and everything at the same time, i think i am just switching in and out of moods. In my world that usually means i am in for a major mood swing, oh well.

I can't seem to care about that, what happens just happens i guess. I will just deal with what ever comes along when it does.

I went to visit friends in Wales last week, it went quite well actually. I managed to keep up with my kids, not freak out when we went into town( Too many people, have i mentioned that i have panic attacks?)

I have been trying to keep busy, well i am becoming a little obsessed with exercising actually. Well as well as doing the house work, doing what i can with my kids and getting ready for my operation in a couple of weeks.

Well, i really am brain dead so i will leave it there.

Take care,

Tracey

[IrmaJean]

I didn't want to dredge up my long post about my therapist from the other board, so I am just writing in here.

I saw T over the weekend for the first time in more than 8 months. It's a very small community that we live in and this type of occurrence is inevitable. He's going about his daily life and so am I. I'm completely okay with it. Anyhow, it felt very comforting to see him. I like knowing that he is well. We greeted one another and then I gave him his space. I think that one thing I've noticed is that I feel completely on-level with him now. He's a person, just like me. I don't feel needy with him any longer. My feelings haven't changed, but my reaction to them has. I still adore him and it feels largely familial. But what I've learned through this is that one can appreciate the simple beauty in things without having to possess those things. Maybe it's secure attachment. Maybe it's internalized. I don't have to sit in the room with T to know that he still smiles and he still laughs. I don't have to sit in the room with T to keep my love and appreciation for him. Those feelings are within me forever. He isn't going to be there for me as my therapist any longer, but all that I learned from being in that room is part of me now. So I connect with him whenever I find the positive voice inside myself. It was our connection that helped me to find it.

After seeing him this past weekend, I think I have only one regret from my therapy experience. I really wish that I'd hugged him good-bye and thank you. I know he would have allowed me to...At the time, I didn't want to cause him any more discomfort then I knew I already had, so I didn't ask. So if there was anything that I wanted after seeing him, it would have been to give him a great big hug. It felt like a natural response that someone would have after not having seen a family member for a long period of time. It felt like something I wanted to give. I know that isn't possible now, so I just imagined it in my mind. I've decided that the best way to express affection in this type of relationship is by respecting its limitations, respecting him and respecting the finality of it now. He's a person, just like me...but I still love him and miss him. It was nice seeing him out and about, relaxed and happy...and just "being". It made me smile inside my heart. I can hug him in my mind and let him be. I just needed an outlet to express and process that. I'm glad I have a place to do that here.

Everything else is going very well with me. We had our family vacation last week, which was great. We went to an Adventure Park with the kids, took a ride on a boat and took the girls horseback riding. It was fun. Nice quiet time with H and the kids. All is well.

Edited August 19, 2009 by IrmaJean

[JustTrying]

After having a slight crash... I am now back in a better frame of mind.... I still feel so lonely. All I have to do is reach out, there are people there. On the CB, On the phone, My neighbor wants me to visit, On the computer.... Haven't checked my voicemails.... the phone was ringing quite a bit yesterday, but I didn't want to answer it.... I just wanted to be alone... and feel sorry for myself!!

MScat... I am so sorry you have that numb feeling right now... I know how that can feel. I think it is a protection mose that our minds go into... to think and feel... for me sometimes is dangeroous. I drink to numb the feelings... and they end up getting intensified. I cut to take my mind off the mental pain, and it is still there.

I hope My therapist can help me learn how to deal with these things. I have only been seeing her for a short time.

IrmaJean... I think it is normal sometimes to have feelings for your therapist.... they in a way are a life saver...I am sure it happens in many instances.... mine is female and I already think of her as a friend.

Tracey and Malign... good to see you....

______________________________________

I am going to lay out some today, still don't feel like talking to anyone. I think sometimes I do that for attention, to see who will keep calling, who will worry... who really cares.

I have the last batch of Chicken Jerky in the dehydrator for the dogs, and I put up the Big Limas that I cooked yesterday... they was good! Loaded the dishwasher and put in a load of blankets into the washer. I need to clean the porch and fix it for the dogs, so that I can get some sleep at night. They roam the house and get into things when they think I am asleep. It is cool enough at night for them to be out. They need me so much.. I am all they have known all their lives... they are getting old and some are dying off... 2 are sick right now.... but they will be ok for a while as long as I give them love.

Off to get some sun.... TT you later! JT

[mscat]

I slept in this morning, and it was 10 min before my therapy appointment. I decided I better go . I put clean clothes on, pulled my hair back , grabbed my purse , and smoked a half a cig. on the way . The office is 5 min away . I live in a tiny town. I got there 7 min late.

I was very out of sorts though. No coffee before hand , no am medications either, or morning shower, or even a little mascara . I looked and felt shitty, but was there. Not in a good mood at all ! I told T about the numbing out and disconnecting eposoides. He told me their are feelings attatched to these and I have no idea what they are . I have see the same T for years , He knows me well . He also informed me that he can tell when I am starting to go towards SI > That made me uncomfortable .Geez, am i that obvious . I asked him that . He can just tell. The session went well, however, My T . knows me too well, that he knows me , and can sense things that I wish he could not . It is difficult to respond to what he already knows, and I do not like it. However, it is easier to be painfully honest with him as well, because he does know me.

My puppy threw up when I got home now I am worried, she has never been sick.

JT I hope dogs feel better. Keeping busy always helps the day go by faster then having nothing much else to do. Take care of yourself the best way you can, ok?

It's good to see others writing on here too. This is a good thread .Kind of a checking in , seeing how others are holding up on their days. Hang in there.

[goose]

Hi JT hope you will be feeling better soon.

Good luck with your new therapist, I hope it works out for you.

Can I ask you - what is chicken jerky, do only animals eat it? Putting food in a dehumidifer? - don't think we have them here. What are big limas ? - America seems like a whole different world to me!

Just curious

Goose

[karai]

Today, I'm trying to get into a positive frame of mind. I have been diligently doing my Self Esteem homework for several weeks and have finally tho't of and written down my affirmation sentence: "I am okay, I am worthwhile, I am doing the best that I can". My T tells me that I am a "good person", but it seems I still cannot accept that one. Somehow I see good as being angelic and that is definitely not me. I do not qualify. I have a black heart. So, for now, I am just "okay". I have to practice believing it before my next appt.

My T will be back from vacation next week; I see him on Friday. After leaving him w/ my journal pages from that last week (low point after a good week and a half), all in the promise to him and myself of being "totally honest", I feel I must, at least, show an attempt at wanting to get better. I fear he may think I have given up; I left my last appt. w/ the admission that I have regressed and have taken 2 steps backward. That following Monday I was having 2nd tho'ts about giving him my journal pages---almost called him to tell him not to read them. It all seemed so lame. I still feel stupid! Of course, he may have already read them by then, altho' I told him on Friday not to read them while he was away cuz I didn't want to ruin his vacation. I anguished in my journal instead.

I am afraid to go to session on Friday. I may not speak. What does he think of me now? That last session I asked him if he tho't I was pathetic. He didn't give me a direct "No" or "Yes", but I think I may have confirmed that answer in the positive now!

I need a kick in the head. If there are stupid things to be done, I would be the one to do them!

Edited August 23, 2009 by karai

[paula]

Hi All

Thought I may as well join this thread.

Hows my day going, erm... I am sat here on this laptop after a raging night out! I was steaming! Suffering for it now though!

I have a docs appointment tomorrow (Monday) because I'm on the high risk register. Have to attend every week so as they can keep their eye on me.

Tuesday... I have an appointment with my private doc because I was involved in a RTA last year which has left me troubled with lower back pain. I am supposed to be meeting a Neurosurgeon there also, to examine my back?

After that appointment on Tuesday, I have a later appointment with my Psychiatrist. This will be the first visit since coming out of hospital and I'm not looking forward to it!

Well... another day, another dollar.

[mscat]

Paula, There's a lot going on in your world . I am very sorry to here that all is not well. A while ago I think a discussion I had with you was about the possibility for you to get on disability? I do not know ho it works inthe UK though.

Well The weekend went terribly fast . My son got off the bus on Friday in a terrible rage. A few kids in his class were upsetting him , and he just could not handle it. The rest of the weekend was all about the incident on the bus, because of his developmental delays, and autism. he is very behind socially , one kid , a older one , 17 yr old girl caught on, to his week spot , causing my son to absolutely become completey unglued on the bus, therefore ruined my weekend as well. Which sucks ass .

We have our annual appointment with the regional center tommorow pm. the lady comes over to our place and meets us and my son. I have to clean, and one of the dogs has had diarreah! for a few days ! Lucky me:rolleyes:

I am also broke . spent money on my kids BD , and now have to wait until the 3rd . which seems like forever .

Just peachy. I slept until 3pm today, but brother woke us all up. Otherwise still would be asleep. Sleeping makes me feel dead. Sometimes thats all I can do.

[paula]

Hi mscat

What a terrible thing for someone to wind your son up the way they did, they want shooting! Could you not go into the school and put a complaint in about this girl? Over here in the UK you can put a complaint in to the school and they would deal with it so it doesn't happen again?

You mention about claiming for Disability, yes I am on disability for care and mobility, along with Incapacity Benefit that you get for not being able to work at the present.

I hope things work out for you mscat. Thinking about you.

(((HUGS))).

[mscat]

My son is developmental disabled, has autism > He goes to a Special Day Class. Those are the kids who are in his class It happened on the bus! SO I am going to talk to his school teacher . I've written her a letter about the incident, and called and left her a message today on her school phone. My kid did not go to school . We have a woman coming here at our place for a app. through the regional center, they provide services for the dev. disabled. it is a annual review. We live out in a rual town , the lady has to drive 1 1/2 hrs to get to where live.

I have been cleaning , cause it is embarassing to have someone come over , and the place a mess. My Yorkie still is sick too, has had diarrehea, but getting a little better, it's been a real mess . Then the puppy steps in it, so I have to clean her up too. GROSS !

I hate it when someone comes over , it is too stressful. I like it to be ,stay the hell away, lock the doors, shut the blinds, were not home, ever. Woke up this am , and the front door was unlocked, a little opened too? Weird! I do not know what the hell!

UNless one of the dogs did it , we had a visitor last night? Or I am totally losing it! Freaking scary to find the front door like that. No doubt it was me though, I can't remember shit a lot of times. I do have a screen door though, but usually it is unlocked.

I am an idiot , cause I just do not know what I am doing, nor can I keep up with myself. How fu**** dreadful is that? I'd like to be somebody else , littleraly , something else.

[paula]

mscat

I am an idiot , cause I just do not know what I am doing, nor can I keep up with myself. How fu**** dreadful is that? I'd like to be somebody else , littleraly , something else.

You are not an idiot! Listen, if it makes you feel any better, I've left my car window wide open over night and it snowed in, all on the passenger seat, also, there has been many a times that I have left my back door unlocked over night.

You have got to stop kicking yourself for mistakes that anyone can make!

[JustTrying]

Morning all!

Goose, Chicken Jerky is like Beef jerky, only made with chicken. I was buying some from the store and I realized it would be cheaper to make my own. We use dehydrators to make that and to dry fruits and vegetables. Big Limas are big whit beans! They are great with some seasoned ham in them!

Welcome Paula, and Kamari.... and welcome back Mscat.

Slept most of the day yesterday and have been up all night. More Chicken jerky and I just about have the house clean. Went to sit on the carport for a while and decided I wold rather be in here piddling. It is really sort of a waste to clean the house because I will just have to do it all over again in a few days. I TRY to have the house clean when my husband comes here. Sometimes I am just too damn depressed, but I still like to try.

Going to TRY once again, if I don't end up plastered, to have a yard sale again. The dogs really need their shots and it is cheaper for me to buy a pack of 25 then to buy them individually. Need to clean the living room and bathe all the dogs tomorrow.

I told SG I was not going to drink this week. He is the big brother this week and is going to take care of me. We went and built him a wheelchair ramp this weekend so that he can finally get out of the house and G mowed his grass for him. SG got out and took his cats for a ride on his new power scooter! I bet that was a site! He called me about 2 am this morning, talking out of his head,,,, I don't think he realized his wife picked up the other line... I did though... bet she popped him one or two! He just gets on those pain pills which I know he needs and just talks out of his head sometimes... at least I hope that is all it was, I would hate to loose him or her either one as friends.

The puppies are up and playing.... the other dogs wish I would go to sleep!!! Heck, they can sleep tomorrow.

It is cool here this morning. I hope it warms up good, I have gotten addicted to lying out in the sun. It looks good on me though. I feel better when I take care of myself. My husband is suppose to be looking for me a bike, I think that would be good exercise if I ride it to town. My license are suspended as of this up coming Friday.

That's all in my world so far! Hope everyone has a great day!

JT

[paula]

Hi JT and all

Just read your post and don't you have a lot going on in your life at the mo? A bit like me.

Well I went to see my Neurosurgeon yesterday and he has referred me for a MRI Scan on my back as I am still having a lot of pain from the RTA that I was involved in last year. He informed me that if the MRI Scan picks up anything, and depending what it picks up, I may have to have Surgery on my back, which I hope not?

I also went to see my Psychiatrist yesterday and he has revued my medication. He has took me of the Dosulepin 150mg and swapped it for another Anti-Depressant. Can't remember the name as I have to wait for my own Doctor to pass it yet and won't be seeing him till Friday morning.

My Psychiatrist is a bit concerned though, because when he revued my medication last time, about 4wks ago, my own GP would not change my meds has he thought the side affects was to dangerous with all the other medication that I'm on? I asked my Psychiatrist "what is the point to having a Psychiatrist when, my own doctor is going to over rule him anyway?" He said that I need to ask my GP that question!

I have had to take my car for it's MOT today as it's due the car tax on Friday. I just hope it passes otherwise, I cannot get the car tax and my car will be off the road till I can afford to pay for what it needs doing, to make it road worthy.

Apart from the above, not much planned for today!

[tracey.f]

Hi guy's, how is everybody doing?

I have decided that i am in the twilight zone, though that could be i wish i was in the twilight zone. Its too close to call!

Anyway, i have been doing Sooo much recently, my idea is that i keep going until i fall flat on my face. Not always the greatest way to handle things but i have a plan. If i can keep going then i don't have to stop and think about things.

I had to get the rest of my kids school uniforms on monday (I do NOT like shopping!) which included school shoes, pens, pencils, rulers, school bags...ect ect ect. Now i've got to adjust the things :eek:

My wonderfull children did nothing but fight the whole time, my brain was mush by the time we got home.

I had to buy some things to take into hospital next week aswell, i can't believe i only have 7 day left to get everything done.

I took my kids to a zoo yesterday (and no they wouldn't keep them, i did ask though. Just in case ) I didn't really feel up to it but i had promised so off we went at 8 in the morning and i think we finally got home at 8pm. I then went to the gym, trying to stay occupied and trying to do myself an injury in the process.

I see my Pdoc tomorrow and i really do not want to go, she will now know that a formal complaint has been made against the Associate Director and i am really concerned about how i am going to be treated. My husband and mum will be there but i'm scared all the same.

Hope everybody is doing ok,

Tracey

[mscat]

Hi Paula,

IMO, I believe your Psychatrist needs to be very aware of ALL the medications you are taking , and be monitering you closely! A Psychatrist is also trained as a MD , as well , and also knows about Psych meds , how they work in the body, as well , as they interact in certain chemicals and parts of the brain. This is why they are called Psychatrists, they have many more yrs training then a regular MD , and are responsible for regualtion of medications their patients are taking at all times. The Psychatrist you have ought to be having you do blood work , testing you periodicly , making certain your chemicals in your brain and body are in balance , in your blood , working the way they ought to. He should be looking at these tests and know what you are low on, then helping you regulate your chemicals in your brain, by giving the correct medications and dosages . + monitering the meds your on making certain their is no side effects, or interrference with any of the rest of your medications!

The Psychatrist is well trained to handle all of this, and cannot tell the MD it is his job to moniter the meds from the MD , because the Psych DR, is also a MD too! To me that was just an excuse to to provide follow up care and make certain that you are well taken care of, on both ends. It is really not the MD responsibilty to moniter your Psych meds, however the Psych . DR can do BOTH! :mad:

What is going on in my world? I had therapy this morning. My therapist talked to me for the first 1/2 hr about the CA budget cuts, and how it might effect the mental health services , where I go to therapy. Now the Pychatrist is cut down to only coming to our office 2 a month:( ANd the rest of the time in the larger office in Hanford 45 miles away! Starting in October. I hope i do not lose therapy here in this little town ! Mental health services have been cut so badly here in the state of CA. It is terrible.

On Monday I had to overdraw my banking account ! By a lot of $$ . Just to put food on the table. I had no other choice in the matter. I figured I might as well go out big, and spend , cause we really needed grocieries!! That is exactly what I did. I got to the point where I just did not care anymore. I HAD TO . I do not have to always do it, but had no choice in the manner. Hopefully it will all even out . We have no $$ until the 3rd, but at least a lot of food now! Shoot when it comes to have a kid, sacrfices have to be made!

My yorkie is finally not sick anymore. Thankfully. It was a nightmare, for days she was having runny stools, and then the pup would step in it. I had to clean , clean , clean, and the bathe the pups paws off all the time. It was exhausting.

I am struggling badly with urges to self injure , and find myself drifting onto sites of "how to" even though I really allready know how. It is just comforting to me to see those sites, but it is cause I know what that already does to the skin. The thoughts are luring me there, and always unforgiving.

[SweetSue]

HEY EVERYONE, WELCOME TO MY WORLD

YOU WILL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME IM IN ONE OF MY HYPER MOODS

AT THE MOMENT IM BACK IN HOSPITAL AGAIN ...... BUT HEY CRAP HAPPENS.

I HAVE SOOO MANY HIGHS AND LOWS , THAT EVEN I FIND IT HARD TO KEEP UP WITH MYSELF.

TOMORROW I GET TO SEE MY CHILDREN AGAIN AND I AM SO EXCITED, THAT I VERY MUCH DOUBT IF I WILL GET ANY SLEEP AT ALL TONIGHT.

MY BABIES ARE MY LIFE, MY WORLD AND I TREASURE EVERY MOMENT THAT I HAVE WITH THEM. SO I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT LIFE HAS IN STORE FOR ME TOMORROW, AT LEAST FOR AN HOUR OF IT , I WILL BE HAPPY AND COMPLETE, COZ WE CAN BE A FAMILY AGAIN.

TAJE CARE

Jj

[mscat]

I totally forgot about this thread . Glad it's still here! Because right now in California, it is 1:50am . I can't sleep. It had been a rough day > Thankfully this is over, however the troubles today has brought is not. I got a speeding ticket by a cop that was driving one of those copcars that u can't tell is a cop .

It pisses me off because I was not even speeding> I am for certain going to fight it in court, but not until Nov. Before all that , I was given a supeana at the end of the week, ordered to appear in court on the 1rst of Oct as a witness to a Domestic Violence case I did not even see anything .

The last few yrs, I had to deal with an idiot who tried to extort money from me, and threaten me .A bad man , I ended up as a witness in that mess of a case too.

What I absolutely hate about my fu**** life is that I can't step out of my apt, w/o something going down . Something unpleasant . I usually am at home all the time, because of this. + I do not like dealing with people. Not on the outside, real life dealing with people. I find it mostly unrewarding, and miserable.

I missed a therapy app. last week, and not been taking all the meds the Psychatrist has me on. Maybe that is why I feel like I am drowning.

[John Rutledge]

deleted.....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge
Correction

[JustTrying]

Evening Everyone! Been on a downward spiral but I am getting manic now. So that means sleepless long nights, unless I choose to get drunk. Self medicating.

Hubs and I are not speaking and as far as I am concerned he can go "poof!". Everyone thinks being married for 20 years is just great.... how about being misreable for 20 yrs? I am so sick of his controlling ways that I would rather go to jail for not paying my PO than to have to deal with his stupid self.

I dropped my therapist a email and am waiting for a response. I have no alcohol and do not plan to get any today. So don't be surprised if I am back on here at 1 am.

I lost a big stone out of a ring that my friends gave me last week. I have looked and looked for it. I hope it didn't end up in the trash can, when I took the trash out this morning.

The puppies are mad at me. I taped their little ears up and they just hate it. but if they leave the tape on them, then it will only be for a few days.

Hey!!!! I just got up from the computer and checked my sink drain! There was my stone!!!!Now I just need to learn how to fix it!!!!

I am really not upset that my husband and I are not talking. To me it is freeing. I have no idea how I am going to pay the PO or my fine, or buy groceries if I don't make up with him, but the Lord will provide. I have been sick of him for a long time. I love him and care about him but I hate him too???? Does that make sense?

I have my friends for comfort and compainionship, he is never here and we never spend time together.

Sorry to be such a negative nellie. I am bouncing all over the place, one minute cleaning, the next on the phone or CB and the next on the computer, perhaps I will at least get one thing completed today.

Later, JT

[mscat]

Don't "drown" - nasty way of going ! Like other recent contributors in this thread, you seem like a pretty real individual to me. Soldier on - and never despair - don't let the unworthy persons get you down. That, I suppose, is what we all have to do.

Hope the yorkie is ok. I have to bring one of our cats to the vet tonight - unless she shows some sign of her current attack of megacolon condition abating. Megacolon ? Don't ask - except to say that the downside of a cancelled vet appointment would be a major carpet cleaning session.

Don't worry about the subpoenas, and all that - just go through it, give your evidence (if it proves necessary - it may not) and reflect that this is just one of the prices we pay for living in a civilised society. My Gods - I'm beginning to sound like David O ...

Very best regards,

JR,

NOOOOoo , not David O :eek: far from it ! You did give me a good laugh , thanks for upping my spirits. I have a wicked sense of humor>

Things are better today, just hanging in there in the saftey of my home. Can't get into much troube here!

Hope your cat feels better. That does not sound pleasant ! My yorkie is just fine, it was our Shih Tzu puppy I was suppose to bring in today .She's 4 months, and finishing up vaccinations. I chose to not go this morning. ANd rescheduled for Thurs afternoon instead, I could not sleep last night. Puppy discovered her barking voice, and carried on forever . She was loud and obnoxious all night , for no reason, unless she was barking at ghosts. No idea what set her off , she would have a meanicing growl, then let loose into barking fits. All while I tried sleeping , she was on my bed . Perhaps it was the ghost of my father in my rm last night. Whatever, or whoever was here , with me , certainly was unsettling to the puppy. She has never behaved in this matter.

Just rambling now. My son is at school for mot of the day, he rides a bus early in the morning , and comes home after 4:30 pm. In a special day class out of town, so I have the whole place to myself . I really ought to do more with myself , when he's gone .however , I seem to get into too much trouble .

[SweetSue]

HI EVERYONE

YESTERDAY,

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT IT :confused:

I EVENTUALY GOT TO SEE MY CHILDREN AFTER YET ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT, THANKS MAINLY COZ OF THE HYPER I WAS IN THE NIGHT BEFORE.

THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER WAS LOVELY, AMAZEING AND BRILLIANT.

OBVIOUSLY I WAS STILL IN MY HYPER, WHICH THE LITTLE DARLINGS TOOK FULL ADVANTAGE OF. THEY DIDNT NEED MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT FROM ME !!.

IT WAS SO GOOD TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN , FELT SO RIGHT HAVING THE FOUR LITTLE ONES CALLING MOMA, WITH ALL THE ENTHUSIASMN (SORRY CANT SPELL TOO GOOD) UNDER THE SUN , DESPERATE TO SHOW ME THERE LATEST TRICKS THEY HAD LEARNT.

HAVING THEM USE ME AS THERE VERY OWN PERSONAL CLIMBING FRAME, TRAMPOLINE AND HORSEY (SORRY IM STILL A BIG KID TOO).

BUT THE BEST PART , THE VERY BEST PART WAS WHEN THEY FIRST SAW ME AND DID THAT LITTLE RUN UP AND JUMP THING INTO MY ARMS FOR A CUDDLE , I SWEAR I NEVER WANTED TO LET THEM GO. EVEN THOUGH I WAS TOTALY UNBALANCED AND WOBBLING UNDER THE SHEER WEIGHT AND AWKWARDNESS OF HOLDING SO MANY BUBBAS AT ONCE. TOTAL JOY.

THE TIME WE HAD TOGETHER WAS OVER BEFORE IT HAD CHANCE TO REALY BEGIN. IT WAS TIME FOR US ALL TO SAY GOODBYE AND GO OUR SEPERATE WAYS.

NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT ENDED MY HYPER . HAVING TO FIGHT BACK THE TEARS AND WALK AWAY FROM MY KIDS CRYING AND BEGGING ME TO TAKE THEM WITH ME. ITS SO DIFFICULT TO FIGHT ALL MY INSTINCTS AS A MOMA , AND HAVE TO WALK AWAY WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TAKE THEM WITH ME, KEEP US TOGETHER ALWAYS.

NOW, WELL NOW IM DEAD , DEAD FROM ALL THE FEELING , PASSED THE CRYING STAGE AND NOW IM NUMB. DEAD AND NUMB.

YOU SEE BEING A MOMA TO MY CHILDREN IS MY LIFE , THE REASON FOR CARRYING ON EACH DAY , NO MATTER WHAT THIS POOR EXCUSE OF A LIFE THROWS AT US , THEY ARE MY WORLD, MY INSPIRATION, MY EVERY BREATH.

WITHOUT THEM IM NO LONGER THERE MOMA , AND THAT HURTS , MUCH MORE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH OR EXPERIENCED.

SO YES IM V.LOW AT THE MOMENT , BUT TOMORROWS ANOTHER DAY, AND I WILL PICK MYSELF UP OFF THIS FLOOR, DUST MYSELF DOWN AND DEAL WITH IT. COZ THATS WHAT MOMAS DO , MY CHILDREN NEED ME , AND I NEED THEM. AND I AM DAMN SURE I WILLL FIGHT TILL I GET WHAT MY KIDS DESERVE AND THATS ........ THEIR FAIRY TALE ENDING

TAKE CARE EVERYONE

Jj

[mscat]

Jj, you are a strong woman , and I know you will do anything you can and do what it takes so you will be together with your children. They need you, your their ONLY mother, and they love you. Hope today brings you comfort, and goes well for you. Hang in there.

I went to my therapy appointment this morning .Last week I missed it. I am glad I went. He is a good therapist who I have seen for years. It helps talking to him especially when things in my life are coming down on me all at once. It helps me just by talking about it, and to think a little more clearly.

I have been having urges to self harm again. They come on strongly at times. I know it is because of the stress I am under, financially, emotionally and the helpless feeling of not being able to control what happens in my life.

even though I stay at home inside my place because the outside world is too overwhelming to bear, I still end up in a heap of trouble. This is why it is difficult not to revert back to self harm. Self harm is a easy way for me to feel better, at least temporarily. I can take the physical pain so much easier then the emotional pain, and loss of control over daily events, and chalenges.

My son is at home today, he did not attend school. We slept in, and he is ill from severe allergies. I won;t self injure when my child is at home. That is a NO NO. So I am left with just writing in here. It helps me too, to write , and get stuff out that normaly would be internalized.

I have NOT be very nice to a couple people in here> I am not naming names , but do feel badly that I expresed my displeasure, and anger on a particular subject. The evil part of me showed, that I don't like. Now I feel guilty for bing disecpectful, even though I ment it. It is hard to express angry feelings for me, because then I feel badly . I am so sorry , to a couple of people for being mad, David O , Allen . Just hope that I am not banned !