Becoming too much!

[tracey.f]

Hey guys, i'm so sorry to bring my problems to you but i am really drowning here. I was trying to avoid bringing my problems to you, didn't want to bother you really.

I feel like i am having a breakdown at the moment, i can't stop crying which is really doing me in and depressed doesn't even describe what i feel right now.

I have had so much to contend with recently and it has finally taken me under. I tried dealing with everything one problem at a time but in the end it was just too much for me.

I don't know what to do at the moment, i can't think, breathing is hard and i am just so sad. I can't stop my brain from going over and over, it's like i'm screaming from inside and i don't know how to stop it!

I tried calling my Pdoc earlier, she wasn't there but i given a message to increase one of meds and she will call me tomorrow. That's ok, it's not like she can help me much anyway.

I am sorry i am not in a great way, i was hopeing to see you all when i felt a little better, Not when i feel like i being torn in two.

Hope you are all ok anyway,

Tracey :-(

[malign]

Tracey, the problem with standard meds is that they don't take effect very quickly.

How bad is it? Are you having thoughts of suicide, at all? If so, are you starting to plan?

Those are the things you have to ask yourself, and if the answer is that you're feeling like a danger to yourself, you need to get some help right away, the kind of help that can actually touch you. ;-)

If it's not as severe as that, maybe just dumping your troubles to us would help? Is there anything specific that's making you feel like crying?

You really don't have to worry about interrupting us, or anything. As you can see, it's the same old place it has always been. We were just sitting around hoping you would show up, in fact. :-)

[tracey.f]

Hey, sorry about running out, i just needed to get some air!

I don't even know what to start with, there is that much !

Well, i will lay it out quickly,

1) I have two wonderfull son's who have mental health problems. My eldest is in cbt therapy for mild depression.

My youngest son has what they think is Asperger's, with attachment issues. He has been seen weekly for the last 7 months, they now tell us that he is going to need weekly therapy for the next few years before we start to see some real improvment. To say that i am devastated would be an understatment! I just wonder if this is all my fault, if i could have done something to avoid this car crash situation.

2)I had my in=laws abusing me again. My mother in law is mentally abusive to me and my husband but will always go for me as i am easy target. I have always taken it because they have never done that to my children and the kids do love their Grandparents. Well she didn't like something i had done( I wanted to take my daughter to brownies) She had a complete flip out, had a go at me down the phone and up until last week we hadn't heard from her. I ended up with my father in law on my door step a week ago shouting at me and my husband, in front of my 2 youngest children.

We did try to sort things out so the kids could still have a relationship but they just got so nasty that we have decided to walk away for our own sakes!

The last time they blew up and his dad was at my house having a go(again) i ended up back in hospital for a couple of months, the stress made me really ill. So you don't think anyless of me, they did bring my children into it this time but i wont say how.

3)I have been going down hill rapidly, my consultant says she is not specialist enough to treat me( I'm always awkward!) the depressive part of my illnes is very hard to treat and she has run out options on all the medications that she feels are safe enough to give me.

What do you think? Should i just give up now ?

I'm trying to decide if there was anyway that this could be any easier to deal with but i'm coming up short.

I'm so tired of fighting for everything, i don't think i could take anything else being thrown at me right now!

I just feel broken and useless,

Tracey

[malign]

Aw, you do sound overwhelmed.

Well, for 1) as far as I know, there's nothing you could have done to cause your son to have Asperger's. It's also a comparatively mild form of autism, and from what I understand, it's the sort of thing that a person can learn to cope with, if they're given the appropriate therapies. And it sounds like you're doing just that. Your other son's depression is also treatable.

And I know it doesn't help to tell you that it could be worse.

For 2), though ... What does your husband say or do about the way his parents treat you? Does there come a point where you weigh the fact that they treat your kids well against the fact that treat you like dirt? These sound like people you move away from and change your phone number. ;-)

Hey, for 3), just because you're hard to treat is no reason for you to give up on yourself. Certainly, it's no reason that I would give up on you. :-)

Do you do any talk-therapy with your consultant, or does she only do medication? Because it sounds to me like you need to talk to somebody, particularly about your self-esteem, which seems pretty low to me. You don't seem to realize that you're worth taking trouble for, that we don't only want to see you when you're cheerful, and so on.

If you were useless, you wouldn't have been able to keep everything together for so long. Getting your boys the help they need. Dealing with your in-laws' garbage input. I was telling 'goose' earlier: being able to do all that when you also have depression is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Please keep trying. Both your boys are looking up to you, at this point. They don't know how to handle what they're going through, in their respective therapies. They don't need to see you as a supermom, who can handle all this on her own. They need to see you ask for, and get, the help you need from your doctors.

[tracey.f]

Hey, why do i always sound so much more capable when you say it?

I know the world wasn't created in a day and neither were my problems, they just seem to have bubbled over all at once!

My kids mean the world to me and i guess seeing them have to struggle is really hard for me. I feel they have enough to deal with when it comes to me being ill, without their own problems. I was ill from a young age, i guess i just didn't want the same for them.

My husband wanted to walk away along time ago but because i didn't want to deprive my children of that relationship we just limited our contact.I always felt that a Grandparent relationship was important but not enough to take the constant abuse. We were never going to be able to do enough, i took the abuse because they are my children and for them i would do/take anything. It wasn't until this recent episode that i realised that what happens does affect them, because when i become more ill or unstable they suffer too.

He doesn't want them anywhere near me or our children anymore, he has told them to leave us alone. I'm sure they will try again soon but he wont let them by him, he wont have them abuse or upset me anymore or infact the kids or himself.

Therapy would be a good idea if you can actually get it here, the last time i was on the list for over a year and i ended up having my therapy started when i was an in patient. I never did get an appointment locally, the services can really suck here!

I guess you sometimes get to a point when your mind just says stop, freeze frame and please hold ! Life just doesn't do that does it?

I just wanted to run but you can't run from yourself can you? I've tried before!

Thank you for listening to me, i know i go on at times,

Tracey

[malign]

Clearly, because you're not telling yourself the whole story! :-)

And that's the first sign that the depression is whispering its little lies to you.

It's really great that your husband is standing up for you. I've heard from a lot of people whose spouses side with their parents against them. Yet another thing to be thankful for. ;-)

No, Tracey, and I've written lots of stories on here where I've tried to run, myself. There's nowhere (else) to go. But there's plenty of places to go, inside yourself. And once you're happy with you, there's nowhere you need to go. :-) It happens, though for some of us, not so easily.

Please stop apologizing for being in pain. You can't help it, and maybe talking to us can. That's a good enough reason for me to keep listening; do you think it's reason enough to keep talking?

[tracey.f]

Have you not noticed that there are times when i don't stop talking!

I am going to go now though, i am really exhausted and i have to get my kids into bed.

I was on my own up until about 5 minutes ago and i am not in a great way right now.

Thank you for talking to me,

Take care,

Tracey

[malign]

You're completely welcome, Tracey.

You take care too, and come back and see us whenever you feel like talking.

[tracey.f]

I just wanted to say Hi and thank you for speaking to me yesterday.

Yesterday was not a great day, actually the last week hasn't been great.

Today i feel a bit weird actually, very detached from everything and like i'm on the outside looking in. That is not always a good sign for me but it's better than the crying episodes.

I've spent today trying to keep busy so i don't have too much time to think about things. My house looks clean and tidy and that is with the kids on holiday, so at least i got something done today. (one less thing to beat myself up about)

How are you all anyway? I hope things are going ok in your world,

Take care

Tracey