help

[tigers9ers]

Does anyone have any advice on how to be a less negative person? I always think the worst about everything and I am trying to consciously think about that when situations come up. My wife will say something and I will turn it into a negative and then that will start an arguement. I am tired of being a mean person and would like some advice if any of you guys have some.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi and Welcome,

I do have a suggestion: What you are describing about your negative ways of thinking is just the type of thing that could be helped by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) I suggest that you find a psychologist who is trained and skilled in that type of treatment.

Can you tell us more about your self?

Do others have suggestions?

Allan:)

[kaudio]

A few self-help materials suggest visualizing the processes and outcomes involved to maximize performance. Thanks to the evolution of the pre-frontal cortex we can simulate scenarios without ever experiencing the actual event. If you want to change how you feel under certain circumstances it may be helpful to imagine yourself in settings with your wife where she says or does something that would make you feel angry. Once there, you can then imagine yourself in two. One clone of yourself will be angry, furious, violent, provocative, and uncontrollable; the other will be calm, collected, engaged in the situation, and thoroughly self-aware. By imagining yourself in two states and projecting what either one does, you can appreciate the different circumstances of both clones. The first clone generally leads to a collapse in communications and generates frustration in everyone involved while options and new considerations remain available to the second clone. Replay these scenarios relentlessly with greater detail in your mind and try to imagine each scene with as many senses as possible.

The reasoning is that when you actually find yourself in the scenarios you imagine earlier, you will then be able to recall your ideal responses and act them out. Personally, when I first began to use this process it was very difficult and a little frustrating, but it became easier as I continued.

Also, this method only applies to one variable: one's self. People tend to view the world in causal terms. If Y then X. As an example, if your wife does something that makes you angry, you become angry. In so thinking, blame is assigned to your wife for causing the anger. However, the world has numerous variables - or uncertainties - which all combine to create the present. The human mind simply focuses upon the variables of convenience which it can manipulate with the least amount of resistance, but this causal view is typically flawed, especially when the mind overlooks itself. So, in order for these replays to work, you must appreciate that your sense of self is the only variable you can manipulate with least resistance. If you cannot accept that your own actions alter the present variables which make up the universe at each instant and the resulting future, you will not be able to appreciate the full power and danger of the pre-frontal cortex.

In short, Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People suggests that you focus on being. If you want to have a good relationship with your wife, focus on being a cooperative, helpful, understanding husband. Replay and repeat.

[tigers9ers]

I posted a a reply to Sheryl and in that posting I described myself and past. I don't mean to be rude but I don't want to write all that down again. I have seen a therapist in the past you told me about CBT andthat is what I am trying to do now. It just seems like a long hard road to change ways of thinking that has been a part of me my entire life such as anger and negativity. I believe I make it hard because through that anger and negativity that is how I identify myself and it is who I am or was (hope that makes sense).

[Guest ASchwartz]

Ahh, Tigers9ers,

Yes, psychotherapy of most kinds can be long and hard. In many ways, CBT is not as long but a lot depends upon motivation and determination.

By the way, I thought Kaudio's ideas were excellent. Way to go, Kaudio:)

Allan

[kaudio]

Thanks, I was afraid I verged into the abstract and no longer made any sense. To add, a causal view lends an illusion of strength because it defines lines of reasoning. If X happens, then Y happens. It's a very straightforward, useful tool for arguments, but it has no real use beyond communications. I may even be so bold to further suggest that causal lines of reasoning probably trend towards zero-sum games as well, but I have no evidence to back that.

So, speaking from my own experience, I may say something like if I am not acheiving the marks I want, something must be wrong with me. I would then review the past on the assumption that something must be wrong with me to try and find other variables to support the assumption - essentially I beat myself up over the grades I did not like. But, that kind of thinking only contributes to my own confusion and stress and it's unfortunate I did that to myself. If I 'focus on being' as Covey would suggest, then I would try exploring other alternatives that I have not tried in a bid to boost my performance. Certainly the negative thoughts which entail a causal view will come up, but the consequences of such thoughts are mitigated when I focus on trying out alternatives.

For tiger, there may be instances when your wife does something which may make you negative or angry even after your efforts to change. For those moments, I would just like to say that even if you do become negative, you should refrain from unreasonable causal views by saying things like "oh, after all that effort I still got angry, maybe this is just the way I am and it's hopeless." Rather, you too should focus on being by continuing your efforts to change.

One of the reasons why I say the pre-frontal cortex - and the mind in general - is both powerful and dangerous is because it certainly allows me to do a great deal. I can read, understand, and interpret relationships between elements, all very valuable skills. Yet I let my mind run loose and wild during trying times. I find unreasonable causal relationships between variables that don't really make any sense and the captain crashes and goes down with the ship - so to speak. Knowing all of this doesn't make my life any easier, but at least there's a greater chance of stopping self-destructive thoughts. I hope this helps.

Aside, I find it terribly amusing how I learned the strength of causality in creating and communicating arguments, only to apply it to my reasoning that something was wrong with me. Such masochism! Then again, throughout school, students are inundated with messages suggesting that if they didn't get the grade, they didn't do the work. But there were many students who tried so hard only to receive less than stellar grades. It's sad to imagine how bad these students must have felt - especially with that sort of causal reasoning.

[qtzdue]

Try to find a book called "The Self-Talk Solution" it is by Shad Helmstetter. I don't know if you have tried this. I know that when I fisrt read it I laughed it off as the man who wrote it was just an arrogent ass. I also made my self do what he was instructing because I had to start somewhere no matter how weird it made me feel. I know it is working because alot of the anger I use to fell is gone. Also when your wife talks to you try and find 1 word in her dialog that you can connect with. You could also restate what ever you are thinking in a positive way in your head before you say it. Another book you could read is called "freeing the angery mind". It is a book that gave me alot of perspective on what all was involved to create the anger and simple and sound ways to deal with it. One more book that I have read several times is by Marshall B. Rosenberg it is called "Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life".

I have found that using her name instead of wife all the time puts an identity back on them in your mind. If you can say this is Sue it will untangle all the ownership created in your mind. I do not know if you have this problem but I did and just addressing Kathy by her name has broken alot of my control issues within my self. I hope any part of this is helpfull.