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The silent treatment still bothers me..


sadgreeneyes
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I am still receiving the silent treatment and as long as I see him on msn, seeing he still tries to control me I don´t find myself capable of letting go. Maybe I have the Stockholm syndrome because if I was "normal" I would run long time ago, delete him and never look back. I know he is an abuser and still I wait for something,like something to happen, good or bad. I don´t know why he is so hard to let go except for the fact he was my first love and the first time I saw him it was like I already knew him, he came in through a door and it was like I had lost him one time in another life and there he was again after all that time. Now it feels like I am stuck. I have real hard time going on with my life without a closure. I got no closure last time he left me 5 years ago when we lived together. My heavens he has been so cruel to me and still he has this power :) I also have been weak and sent him a few messages (which I know I shouldn´t, don´t even know do I regret it or not, because the silent treatment goes on forever anyway and if I speak wrong, good or whatever there will be another round of it or nothing happens anyway.) I guess I still tried to see if I could get a respond,a goodbye, just something. The only thing I got is he logged on msn for the first time in 2 weeks. Still sitting there calling me a liar. It´s not that it hurts so much anymore what he has done to me, his cruelty and his total lack of empathy, it´s more a vague feeling that eats away from inside of my chest, like a burning sensation and I feel confused and depressed. All his words where just lies. I am angry and sad in between and sometimes I totally forget him for some hours. I have promised myself I have wrote him the last words yesterday.

Why is it so difficult to get one word out of them?, are they so stubborn or is it just out of cruelty? even I wrote like a goodbye, that he should take care and that he is forgiven I still don´t get a goodbye or anything. I even apologized for things I have said and done, even there was nothing to apologize. I thought maybe he then would get to hear what he wanted and that he would stop calling me a liar. It sure didn´t help because he went back to being offline again. I am getting crazy he refuses to give me a closure.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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This kind of thing is so gripping and so difficult, sadgreeneyes. There is some kind of essential attachment you still have, and a good therapist could help you with it. What you need to see is that your capacity to love deeply is coming from you and is yours to keep. You need to experience a more positive relationship perhaps, before you will believe us that this man is not the one.

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Hi finding my way,

thank you for reply!

I know he is not good for me and I also do dream of meeting a good man and that I can be able to be in love again with someone who respects me and loves me. Sometimes I feel or think I will never experience to be in love again, to meet someone I really like and that he will be nice man and not another abuser. Everytime I really like someone it ends with them being abusers. I just wished I could get rid of this " me not being able to go on without waiting for something". If he only could say it´s not working at least, so I could move on, so I would know I must move on, you know. And I am scared of the thought of finding a healthy relationship, I want a healthy relationship but I am scared of what I don´t know, what I never have known. It scares me. I would like to believe that if I should be so lucky to find a nice man he would love me anyway.

This kind of thing is so gripping and so difficult, sadgreeneyes. There is some kind of essential attachment you still have, and a good therapist could help you with it. What you need to see is that your capacity to love deeply is coming from you and is yours to keep. You need to experience a more positive relationship perhaps, before you will believe us that this man is not the one.
Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Good morning "sadgreeneyes"

There are so very few of us that haven't been down this road not just once, but maybe 2-3-4 times and it still hurts even after all of that practice. It seems to start with that initial deep wound, a wound we begin to cradle as we limp along favoring that spot where the knife went in (and seems to stay). The pain and the wound itself become embraced parts of who we are and how we live daily. Great wounds cause great pains and great pains often cause great needs and these needs slowly transform into great fears and anxieties that keep us up late into the night.

I had a girlfriend one time that would break up with me one night, ignore my pleas for understanding and to talk, then reappear again a month later to resume the relationship. We would be happy (strangely so) for a few months and then she'd again disappear only to return 3-4 months later. This went on for 3 years (7 break-ups), and I was always in agony. Eventually I broke the addictive pattern on my part, at which point she came back begging to be married.

Once singed deeply we seem to return to the scene of the crime to play with the fire and tear at the scar tissue (which it seems you may be doing), each time hoping that if we keep revisiting the place where we were singed, that maybe someday the outcome will be different and we can rewrite the past and even the future. And so we become unhappy and anxious pilgrims never at peace, and always seeming to invite the pain to our window pane so we can hear it knock repeatedly.

So here are some harder truths:

1) We have a saying: The shell of the coconut is hard only to those who are not hungry". Your desire to break the pattern is not as strong as your desire to return to the fire that singed you, it's not as strong as the need to cradle the pain--- and so you revisit and revisit until at some point, you'll wake up and realize that whatever purpose there is for keeping the pain alive, it doesn't match your need to move on and be happy or at least at peace and no longer a pilgrim.

2)Your "dream of meeting a good man" is only delayed by your need for closure and your need to cradle your existing pain.

3) One quick caveat here: the "good man" you want to meet will be matched only by your own level of healing, emotional resources and healthiness (the parody principle). It's very hard to "meet" these really good men if one comes from a place where they still have a deep wound being cradled or one that is just healing but still hurts. Too most healthy "good" men, these are red flags (sorry to be so blunt).

4) One final thought, if "every time I meet a man... he becomes an abuser" has been your pattern, then you may need to look carefully at your "picker" for it might be "broken!" Broken pickers pick broken partners and broken partners often are abusive, or emotionally unavailable, or little boys, or they have some deep seated disturbance that only surfaces after the relationship has begun to simmer.

I can very much relate to this situation. Good luck and i hope this helps somehow.

Edited by David O
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Hi David and finding my way,

thank you so much for understanding and to you David for seeing it so clearly, all you wrote is so true and I see myself exactly in the way you described it. It nearly brought tears into my eyes. To know I have to heal myself to find a healthy relationship is something I find very hard to do. I mean I want to heal, but I don´t know how too. I don´t know how I can heal, how do someone heal? What shall I do? I know it must come from within myself, no one can do it for me, but I don´t know how:( What do I have to do to make a healthy man see me as a good healthy woman? Because I know I am a nice and good woman with the warmest heart. I see myself as an attractive woman, there is nothing wrong with me. I love very deeply, but unhealthy. ( I am just about to start reading "Woman Who Love Too Much"). What I do struggle with is an enormous insecurity in relationships, afraid of not being loved, not good enough, not really loved, but I do understand that comes from the fact I haven´t been loved, so not strange I haven´t felt loved or secure. Wondering how secure/insecure I would feel if I really was loved. What shall I do? And another thing is that I put the mans feelings before my own, his well-being before my own, afraid to hurt him even he hurts me over long time. Feeling bad after I have said my opinion to him and then try to be the good woman again, as I am. I don´t want anyone to hurt, that is the worse thing I know. How do I find the strength to stop cradle this pain?, it´s all I know :(

Good morning "sadgreeneyes"

There are so very few of us that haven't been down this road not just once, but maybe 2-3-4 times and it still hurts even after all of that practice. It seems to start with that initial deep wound, a wound we begin to cradle as we limp along favoring that spot where the knife went in (and seems to stay). The pain and the wound itself become embraced parts of who we are and how we live daily. Great wounds cause great pains and great pains often cause great needs and these needs slowly transform into great fears and anxieties that keep us up late into the night.

I had a girlfriend one time that would break up with me one night, ignore my pleas for understanding and to talk, then reappear again a month later to resume the relationship. We would be happy (strangely so) for a few months and then she'd again disappear only to return 3-4 months later. This went on for 3 years (7 break-ups), and I was always in agony. Eventually I broke the addictive pattern on my part, at which point she came back begging to be married.

Once singed deeply we seem to return to the scene of the crime to play with the fire and tear at the scar tissue (which it seems you may be doing), each time hoping that if we keep revisiting the place where we were singed, that maybe someday the outcome will be different and we can rewrite the past and even the future. And so we become unhappy and anxious pilgrims never at peace, and always seeming to invite the pain to our window pane so we can hear it knock repeatedly.

So here are some harder truths:

1) We have a saying: The shell of the coconut is hard only to those who are not hungry". Your desire to break the pattern is not as strong as your desire to return to the fire that singed you, it's not as strong as the need to cradle the pain--- and so you revisit and revisit until at some point, you'll wake up and realize that whatever purpose there is for keeping the pain alive, it doesn't match your need to move on and be happy or at least at peace and no longer a pilgrim.

2)Your "dream of meeting a good man" is only delayed by your need for closure and your need to cradle your existing pain.

3) One quick caveat here: the "good man" you want to meet will be matched only by your own level of healing, emotional resources and healthiness (the parody principle). It's very hard to "meet" these really good men if one comes from a place where they still have a deep wound being cradled or one that is just healing but still hurts. Too most healthy "good" men, these are red flags (sorry to be so blunt).

4) One final thought, if "every time I meet a man... he becomes an abuser" has been your pattern, then you may need to look carefully at your "picker" for it might be "broken!" Broken pickers pick broken partners and broken partners often are abusive, or emotionally unavailable, or little boys, or they have some deep seated disturbance that only surfaces after the relationship has begun to simmer.

I can very much relate to this situation. Good luck and i hope this helps somehow.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi finding my way,

does the unknown have to be bad? thank you for asking me that question. When I imagine a healthy man would like me I start to think he will not find me good enough for whatever reason. That he will find something wrong with me or something. But I don´t know why. I think it is because I am afraid of not being good enough as I am. But love isn´t like that right? If someone healthy likes you he would love you anyway I would believe?

I can hear your fear, and I once shared those feelings concerning men:(. Your fear of the unknown is so great it is causing you to choose the known, a choice that you know is not right. Does the unknown have to be bad?????
Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi again finding my way,

I try to be much more strict and self-sure, saying to myself that I don´t deserve his behavior towards me. That I should respond with silence and go on with my life. I know this isn´t helping me or is good enough. I do my best to stick with no contact, I usually do except for these little emails I have been sending. Tonight it didn´t get better since he again used a virtually messages to keep me hanging on. For example a pic he knows we both had fun time off when we were together.To show me I´m not forgotten, but in an absurd way, he knows this will keep me hanging on. I do my best not to bother this since it is just to control me. I also try to tell me good affirmations but unfortunately they get easily forgotten:( I don´t know what to do really except for trying these little things.

You said it sadgreeneyes, love isn't like that. Love is patient and kind...not boastful....endures.... Can you try a little with yourself for starters? I know it isn't easy.:(
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I will try my best, but it is difficult as you say. David´s post were right on the nail, I will read it over many times. I know so well this is very bad for me. I will do my best, I hope I will find the way to be stronger :P

You need to be stronger, sadgreeneyes.:( No more little emails. Reread David O's post. I know it is difficult, but you need to stop.
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Sadgreeneyes,

You will have better luck finding answers and support here:

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/narcissistic-personality-disorder-f15.html

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/

Sorry, I don't mean to take away from this forum in any way, but that site is more appropriate for your situation, imo. There are hundreds of people there going through very similar relationship dynamics, many who are very experienced with this sort of thing and many who had been out of these types of relationships for several years. Most are women.

I'm not saying you don't have issues of your own to address, but you will learn a lot from that forum, things you need to learn at this point. Maybe for right now you could learn coping techniques, and how to stay away from this person. These people will support you through that. Later, when you are ready, you could learn more about yourself and will realize how/why you were drawn to this type of person. Again, you will have to find closure within yourself, he will never provide what you need.

You can get through this. Best of luck. :(

Edited by Sunrise
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Hi Sunrise,

I know you want to help, I don´t think you want to take me away from this forum and I thank you for giving me these links, I think they will be exactly what I need, and you know I have looked through the net about narcissists but I have never found this forum. I think this will be very useful for me. So thank you very much! :(

I think too he will never give me closure, that I have to give it to myself. Silly as I was I told him this too, that I had to end it myself when he acts like he does, but I should have understood nothing helps with people like him. I am very eager to begin looking in the forum :P

Sadgreeneyes,

You will have better luck finding answers and support here:

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/narcissistic-personality-disorder-f15.html

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/

Sorry, I don't mean to take away from this forum in any way, but that site is more appropriate for your situation, imo. There are hundreds of people there going through very similar relationship dynamics, many who are very experienced with this sort of thing and many who had been out of these types of relationships for several years. Most are women.

I'm not saying you don't have issues of your own to address, but you will learn a lot from that forum, things you need to learn at this point. Maybe for right now you could learn coping techniques, and how to stay away from this person. These people will support you through that. Later, when you are ready, you could learn more about yourself and will realize how/why you were drawn to this type of person. Again, you will have to find closure within yourself, he will never provide what you need.

You can get through this. Best of luck. :)

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

There are many helpful web sites with forums that are of benefit. They are free and you do not have to choose between them. We are all here for you and others.

I want to support your comment that "You must give yourself closure." That is right on correct and right on the button. Give yourself closure and move on from that person.

What about self closure???

Allan

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Thanks Allan:)

I do hope there will be a solution out of this situation I am in. It makes me only more depressed the more I try to fix his silence. I will stop trying to fix something I can not fix. I am tired of the whole thing soon. I must give myself closure and I will do it step by step, I will not lie and say I am ready to delete him because I am not, but I will not contact him anymore. I have used way to much of my energy and I will now focus on me the best way I can. It´s just that it goes up and down with me, sometimes I am really tired of the whole thing like I said and sometimes I have some weak periods. But these weak periods has decreased much lately. I think it is because I am so tired of his behavior. Like a woman who told she had experienced the silent treatment, she could tell that the more her abuser pulled the silent treatment the more she saw him as an emotionally sick man and the more she lost the desire to try to fix the relationship. I am in that state. What do you mean with self closure? I am sorry I don´t understand quite:o

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

There are many helpful web sites with forums that are of benefit. They are free and you do not have to choose between them. We are all here for you and others.

I want to support your comment that "You must give yourself closure." That is right on correct and right on the button. Give yourself closure and move on from that person.

What about self closure???

Allan

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