Wondering..

[sadgreeneyes]

Can a narcissist or psychopath give the silent treatment? or is it likely that the narcissists silent treatment is "mistaken" for being totally self absorbed? I suddenly found the answer "they do" give the silent treatment. Is it possible to delete posts here?

Edited August 3, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[finding my way]

Hi sadgreeneyes! Don't worry about deleting this post... it's an interesting question and others can learn from it. Hope you are well!

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi finding my way,

ok then I let it be here I am feeling very angry today because I told him yesterday I will move on without getting one reaction back. I think this was the top of the cake for me. I will never ever use more energy on that man, he is so self absorbed that it is nearly unbelievable. He must be totally in his own world. He is crazy, like his ex wife told me too. It´s a good thing I heard this from her, it´s not about me why he acts like he does. He is like this no matter what woman he is with, he´s been like this before, he is like this now and he will be like this long after I am gone. He is a very sick man. I will move on, keep NC with him and start doing nice things for myself,go out, meet other people and get this sick man away from my mind. It is poisoning my well being. No more. I hope you are doing well too, finding my way thanks for being here all of you, you are amazing people!

Hi sadgreeneyes! Don't worry about deleting this post... it's an interesting question and others can learn from it. Hope you are well!

Edited August 4, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[David O]

Sometimes there's nothing harder than letting go of a dysfunctional relationhip, especially one that robs of the the joy of life. A journey I've taken a few times as have many others.

I want to apologize up front if my example and suggestions seems a bit strong (this does not diminish my understanding and compassion for what you're experiencing), it s only intended to challenge your thinking and behavior. Some fascinating studies have indicated that when one has been hurt, or even deeply traumatized, therapy may inadvertently prolong the pain by reexposing the wound week after week and allowing repeated tearig at the scar tissue in an effort to heal. These repeated findings surfaced glaringly post 911 when trauma therapists and grief counselors descended on NY City like an army and few New Yorkers actually went in for help. Of those that did, they discovered that many of them, via being in therapy, continued to be sad and depressed/anxious 2-4 years after the incident; whereas, for many that didn't, they had significantly fewer symtpoms within 6 months of the incident (with limited indication of repression, suppression or compartmentalizing of the events). One conclusion drawn from these studies was that therapy often may be more harmful than helpful for a significant part of the population. By way of example, the premise is akin to the ideas that not everyone who is in a car accident requires medical help and hospitalization... and a few do! While experiencing disturbing and distressing events may be traumatic for many it is not always entirely appropriate to treat people for these events, especially if the treatment robs the individual of their self reliance, problem solving capacity and own healing process.

My purpose for using this example is only to suggest that if you're truly finished and want to move forward--- continuing any discussion, writing about, engageing in or entertaining thoughts regarding your ex partner may actually only prolong the emotion you're trying to move from (and even expose you to a reopening of the relationship (we see this frequently in therapy). To truly let go, you may need to simply let go entirely and unsubscribe to your own thread and stop discussing it with anyone.

Yes, this is a radical idea (and one that seems lacking in compassion; however, what greater compassion than to confront someone who may be bringing about some of their own pain), and may cause a reaction all around but one grounded in fairly descent research. Something to think about.

I hope this helps. Good Luck!

Edited August 4, 2009 by David O

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi David

I do understand what you mean by writing this and I do agree that just writing about the pain I am in will not bring me faster out of the pain. Even it is very difficult to let go it doesn´t do me any favor by using energy writing about him since it means I use my mind on him and not myself. I think I am done writing about this man and this pain, it is more important I think about me and what I can do for myself. I am really so tired of his behavior, its only poisoning my well being. And you know David,there is times I don´t think about him at all, it can go many hours and when I then think about him again it is incredible how much better I felt those hours. I was free from the depressing energy. It only comes back if I think about it, write about it or write him. Writing him is the worse I can do to poisoning myself, every time I have wrote him I have felt 10 times worse afterwards. And I do think that therapy with only prolong my pain. But I do wonder if I should need therapy for my childhood, I´ve had some traumatic events in childhood and I actually don´t know if therapy is for me or not. Concerning the pattern I have meeting only abusers I don´t t know what to do, do I need therapy or not. I don´t want to meet another abuser. They say I need therapy to break the pattern? I will continue try putting my mind everwhere else than on him, those hours when I do that feels much greater. So I can not be so fond of him actually. I guess its more the pain of losing him/something that is not about him emotionally?? don´t quite understand what it is except for the pain he has put on me. Maybe it is the disappointment? that he could be such an abusive man, I never thought he could be an abuser, not the way I saw him 5 years ago. I could never believe it. But I will now try to move on. I am totally drained by him. I just hope I will be strong if he should contact me again, that is my fear right now, I know I am weak:(

Thank you all of you, you have been an amazing support!

Sometimes there's nothing harder than letting go of a dysfunctional relationhip, especially one that robs of the the joy of life. A journey I've taken a few times as have many others.

I want to apologize up front if my example and suggestions seems a bit strong (this does not diminish my understanding and compassion for what you're experiencing), it s only intended to challenge your thinking and behavior. Some fascinating studies have indicated that when one has been hurt, or even deeply traumatized, therapy may inadvertently prolong the pain by reexposing the wound week after week and allowing repeated tearig at the scar tissue in an effort to heal. These repeated findings surfaced glaringly post 911 when trauma therapists and grief counselors descended on NY City like an army and few New Yorkers actually went in for help. Of those that did, they discovered that many of them, via being in therapy, continued to be sad and depressed/anxious 2-4 years after the incident; whereas, for many that didn't, they had significantly fewer symtpoms within 6 months of the incident (with limited indication of repression, suppression or compartmentalizing of the events). One conclusion drawn from these studies was that therapy often may be more harmful than helpful for a significant part of the population. By way of example, the premise is akin to the ideas that not everyone who is in a car accident requires medical help and hospitalization... and a few do! While experiencing disturbing and distressing events may be traumatic for many it is not always entirely appropriate to treat people for these events, especially if the treatment robs the individual of their self reliance, problem solving capacity and own healing process.

My purpose for using this example is only to suggest that if you're truly finished and want to move forward--- continuing any discussion, writing about, engageing in or entertaining thoughts regarding your ex partner may actually only prolong the emotion you're trying to move from (and even expose you to a reopening of the relationship (we see this frequently in therapy). To truly let go, you may need to simply let go entirely and unsubscribe to your own thread and stop discussing it with anyone.

Yes, this is a radical idea (and one that seems lacking in compassion; however, what greater compassion than to confront someone who may be bringing about some of their own pain), and may cause a reaction all around but one grounded in fairly descent research. Something to think about.

I hope this helps. Good Luck!

Edited August 4, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

Therapy is not for the traumatic things that happened in your childhood. Therapy is to help remove obstacles and road blocks to feeling and functioning better in the present. That is why it would be a good idea for you to enter therapy. None of us can change the past and what happened back then. But, we can change how we are behaving in the present and learn how to behave and think in ways that help make us feel and function better in the present. So, yes, I think that therapy is for you and it can be either Cognitive Behavior Therapy or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Either type of therapy will help you learn how to stop repeating those old patterns of behavior.

What do you think??

Allan

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Allan,

thank you for information, maybe I should look for one of those methods of therapy. I agree with you, it might be exactly what I need. I don´t know if it is free here where I live, going to a therapist here is very expensive, but I will check the opportunities for this therapy you recommend! I hope that something will happen so I can stop attracting the wrong men. I know all the red flags, but have always ignored them. It´s important for me to stop ignoring these flags. I hope I will make it through the tunnel, I guess the hardest part is to have the will to break free of this "cradle the pain". It feels I´m losing a part of myself. But I understand it is necessary to heal. Again thanks Allan for letting me know what kind of therapy I should look for!

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

Therapy is not for the traumatic things that happened in your childhood. Therapy is to help remove obstacles and road blocks to feeling and functioning better in the present. That is why it would be a good idea for you to enter therapy. None of us can change the past and what happened back then. But, we can change how we are behaving in the present and learn how to behave and think in ways that help make us feel and function better in the present. So, yes, I think that therapy is for you and it can be either Cognitive Behavior Therapy or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Either type of therapy will help you learn how to stop repeating those old patterns of behavior.

What do you think??

Allan

Edited August 5, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[Autumn Rain]

Then it will be fine to do so.

I just realize that in my case, everytime I alway clam up whenever a bully in action. Because I'm a girl, and the bully also a girl, then they usually bully me in verbal way. I wonder if the worst thing to do when someone bully you verbally is being silent?

after I muse about my action it seems that the more I become silent, the more the bully feel 'powerful' and the more they behave like obnoxious toddlers. I think my past bullies mistaken my silence as a sign of fear, as if I would let them bully me and can't say anything back to them.

But for me to start speaking is almost as hard as starting to write a formal speech, my natural defence is claming up so I find it hard to start the first word. The several incidence I tried to speak, it didn't go out well and the bully label me "freak" or "mentally unstable".

Frankly speaking, compare to several other survivors I maybe luckier because none of my bullies use physical abuse. But the damage of bad gossips and verbal attack is enough to go with me for the last decade.

I've been battling this feeling of helplessness and believe that I'm unattractive as a person, that there must be something wrong with me to cause those bully incidents. Also, verbal attacks usually attack your personality and deeds and physical appearances.

In my case, a bully used physical appearance once. Then another bully always pick on my attitude and deed and always find wrong in whatever I do. Then just like that, they just chalked it up to my personality to seal the deal. Just label me as "freak", "wicked", "selfish", or "creepy" and the rest of audience will just agree and go on with their lives. And I was left alone to deal with the emotional scatter that was inside my mind.

Edited August 8, 2009 by Autumn Rain
I write 'pic' instead of 'pick' sorry

[sadgreeneyes]

Autumn Rain,

first of all I want to say how much I understand your feelings, I was alone in childhood with no friends and they all saw me as the one to be not good enough to be friends with. I know now it was because they had low self esteem. It doesn´t matter do they bully as adults or children, it´s all the same. Low self esteem and own problems, at home or other places within themselfes. Do know that it has nothing to do with you. In my past I also heard from bullies/abusers/psychopath that I wasn´t his type, but yet he was with me, and I have heard a lot of things that would say I´m not good enough. That superstars and models where the best and everyone wants that, from my ex husband I heard I had to lose weight to 45 kilo (which means I should be very sick if my weight was that low) if not people would laugh of me, who did I think I was. I heard so much, but it has nothing to do with us. When I look back at all these men I see how sick they were and still are. You are perfect the way you are. These guys are so insecure that they have to make other feel bad. You are showing strength to show them silence. You don´t need people in your life who are that low. Because people who bully are really low, they have low self esteem. I see that my silence makes my bully show up again, but I wont say one word to him. He is insane. You are a wonderful girl! Don´t let anybody make you think different! They are just insecure people.

My best friend told me one day something that is very true. "You can´t make anybody make you feel less worth without your own consent. I hope you see yourself as a wonderful girl, because you absolutely are!

Then it will be fine to do so.

I just realize that in my case, everytime I alway clam up whenever a bully in action. Because I'm a girl, and the bully also a girl, then they usually bully me in verbal way. I wonder if the worst thing to do when someone bully you verbally is being silent?

after I muse about my action it seems that the more I become silent, the more the bully feel 'powerful' and the more they behave like obnoxious toddlers. I think my past bullies mistaken my silence as a sign of fear, as if I would let them bully me and can't say anything back to them.

But for me to start speaking is almost as hard as starting to write a formal speech, my natural defence is claming up so I find it hard to start the first word. The several incidence I tried to speak, it didn't go out well and the bully label me "freak" or "mentally unstable".

Frankly speaking, compare to several other survivors I maybe luckier because none of my bullies use physical abuse. But the damage of bad gossips and verbal attack is enough to go with me for the last decade.

I've been battling this feeling of helplessness and believe that I'm unattractive as a person, that there must be something wrong with me to cause those bully incidents. Also, verbal attacks usually attack your personality and deeds and physical appearances.

In my case, a bully used physical appearance once. Then another bully always pick on my attitude and deed and always find wrong in whatever I do. Then just like that, they just chalked it up to my personality to seal the deal. Just label me as "freak", "wicked", "selfish", or "creepy" and the rest of audience will just agree and go on with their lives. And I was left alone to deal with the emotional scatter that was inside my mind.

Edited August 8, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[Autumn Rain]

Thankyou, so glad you read my rant.

It will be nice if we can keep our cool against these insecure people right?

In my case, sometimes I can school myself to behave in a cool way, as if I'm unaffected by their mockings and just go on my merry way. I think this attitude bring more hatred from them. I've been learning how to tune them out though.

Maybe there are different kind of silence here?

I mean, maybe you are silent in the "I'm no affected, I don't care" way and give off calmness vibe while my version is more of the "OMG I don't know what to say or what to do....I cna't believe s/he said that!" I believe people can pick up the difference in the vibe. The first show that you have headstrong confidence in yourself, while the second one show cracks in your confidence level start to appear. How can you maintain your level of calmness when you're doing this silent treatment? I think it's a trick worth looking into.

in my case, when I'm silent I always feel tortured by my own silence. while the bullies are laughing out loudly and speaking with their circle in a very very merry way. I feel like they're trying to show me something like 'we have fun, but you're not included here, you're not welcome' and frankly it is disturbing my already-in-turmoil-mind.

[sadgreeneyes]

To stay cool and try not to bother about these insecure people would probably be the best because you are so right, when they don´t see you get affected by it they feel more hatred, they see they don´t come anywhere with their POOR behavior and I think maybe that will reflect back at them in a way that they know they don´t have the power and that also makes them feel hatred. And you know what, you are the one who possesses the power but you might not think about or feel it right now. You are the clever smart intelligent girl who knows that bully someone else is because of low self esteem. You know better than them. I don´t know how old you are, but when I look back at these girls and boys at school in my youth I know they must be ashamed of themselves for behaving the way they did. Maybe not all of them, but the one who do "use their brain" will know that it was an act of low level.And to say I am proud of myself for being the girl I was at that time, I did never bully anyone, I also helped a girl with brain damage to not be so lonely, no one else would stand with her and talking to her. I saw them as "low" in my eyes even at that time, I was 13. And on the other side I feel sorry for them, the boys and girls who meant I wasn´t good enough because I know now they had problems.

My silence is in a way different from yours yet at the same time the same, I get the silent treatment from a boyfriend/ex boyfriend, at first I was so angry and I was not at all silent, I said angry things,nice things and tried to fix it. But he is a narcissist and he can not be helped. So why I am silent is because I have started to look at him as a very emotionally sick man and I don´t find it attractive. Our silence, yours and mine are about the same in some way. You get bullied verbally and I get bullied with silence, which is the silent treatment. I have understood there is nothing I can do, so I just keep silence and focus on myself. And it is great if you do the same because these people are bugs. We don´t need them around with their negative energy and attitude. Stay strong and know how great YOU are for being the one you are and not one of these bullies. You should be proud of yourself! I am proud of you! Do you have anyone to talk too? family, parents?

Thankyou, so glad you read my rant.

It will be nice if we can keep our cool against these insecure people right?

In my case, sometimes I can school myself to behave in a cool way, as if I'm unaffected by their mockings and just go on my merry way. I think this attitude bring more hatred from them. I've been learning how to tune them out though.

Maybe there are different kind of silence here?

I mean, maybe you are silent in the "I'm no affected, I don't care" way and give off calmness vibe while my version is more of the "OMG I don't know what to say or what to do....I cna't believe s/he said that!" I believe people can pick up the difference in the vibe. The first show that you have headstrong confidence in yourself, while the second one show cracks in your confidence level start to appear. How can you maintain your level of calmness when you're doing this silent treatment? I think it's a trick worth looking into.

in my case, when I'm silent I always feel tortured by my own silence. while the bullies are laughing out loudly and speaking with their circle in a very very merry way. I feel like they're trying to show me something like 'we have fun, but you're not included here, you're not welcome' and frankly it is disturbing my already-in-turmoil-mind.

Edited August 8, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi AutumnRain and Sadgreeneyes,

Each of you is attempting to cope with the past and recent bullying actions that others did to you. Bullying is not harmless and, in fact, it leave scars. But, scars heal and it is always possible to move on in life.

Bullies will pick on anything they can: personality, physical appearance and anything they sense that you feel vulnerable about.

It is vitally important to not take seriously anything the bully picks on about you. Let me give an example. Like many kids, I want through a period of my childhood when I became chubby, about age 13 years. There were some other kids who picked on my for being a "fatso." Two years later, when I was 15 years of age, I ran into two of them who repeated the bullying. I light bulb went off in my head when I realized that I was not fat at all and in fact, I was thin. In other words, their abusive words were meaningless.

Remember that. Both of you. There is nothing wrong with your physical appearance and I can say that even though I have never seen either of you. Also, there is nothing wrong with you or your personalities.

One last thing, do not think about or worry about what the bullies may or may not be thinking or saying because that gives them power. Silence is not the issue but ignoring them because THEY are worthless is what is most important to you.

Allan

[Autumn Rain]

Wow, great advices! Thankyou sadgreeneyes, and admin Allan.

Sadgreeneyes, you must be proud of yourself then! You're so right, we shouldn't fall that low to follow their lead. After watching myself how a bully was borned, I conclude that a hurting person can follow two path; the first is to become one of the bullies, and the second one is to heal yourself without any attempt to "spread the pain". I think the first way is easier, while the second one is harder to do. I won't take the easy way to my recovery. I will try to heal myself and be a good person.

Actually, I think the first way is not even the real way right? When you hurt someone you will feel better just for sometime, then you will have to do it again and again, it becomes like addiction. A dangerous behavioral addiction, that is.

Oh, and to deal with the bully, ignoring them may work well.

To ignore means you have to find something to busy about right?

I think...I can try to listen to music and tune them out whenever they start their game.

Hah, I maybe will buy an i-pod for the first time(I always feel like I don't deserve to buy that, don't know why) and listening to music everytime the bully-game start. Or something like that.

Thankyou again you two.

regards,

-Autumn Rain

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Autumn Rain,

yes I feel very good when I think about who I was and how I made it through all my days, I did a lot of things to keep me busy, I was drawing, listening music, it´s good to find something you really like to do:) And I think when Allan say "ignoring" he means that if you should run into these "little" people or hear them bullying you should just not bother them, just neglect them wherever you go and think about what me and Allan have told you or listen ipod, of course you deserve one! , I bet that will give them a vibe that tells them you don´t care them and that you know you are better. Which you are! Maybe you can find some other friends, groups to belong too? for example online if you have computer? I will say the easiest way to heal is to focus on yourself and not bother these people because it wont bring you more out of the pain if you do bother them. I think you will only feel bad afterwards and you don´t want to be on their low level. Remember you are better than them! You are doing the right thing by ignoring them. Later you will see how strong and great you were for ignoring them and how proud you can be of yourself, like I do. If I should sit left with knowing I did bully someone in my life I would not feel very good about myself today. It would be awful. Start thinking good thoughts about yourself, say affirmations, put them up on the wall and say them loud out if you want or need too,the more you repeat good thing about yourself the more they come true to you too. I did that for a while and it did help. Remember you deserve all the best in life!

Wow, great advices! Thankyou sadgreeneyes, and admin Allan.

Sadgreeneyes, you must be proud of yourself then! You're so right, we shouldn't fall that low to follow their lead. After watching myself how a bully was borned, I conclude that a hurting person can follow two path; the first is to become one of the bullies, and the second one is to heal yourself without any attempt to "spread the pain". I think the first way is easier, while the second one is harder to do. I won't take the easy way to my recovery. I will try to heal myself and be a good person.

Actually, I think the first way is not even the real way right? When you hurt someone you will feel better just for sometime, then you will have to do it again and again, it becomes like addiction. A dangerous behavioral addiction, that is.

Oh, and to deal with the bully, ignoring them may work well.

To ignore means you have to find something to busy about right?

I think...I can try to listen to music and tune them out whenever they start their game.

Hah, I maybe will buy an i-pod for the first time(I always feel like I don't deserve to buy that, don't know why) and listening to music everytime the bully-game start. Or something like that.

Thankyou again you two.

regards,

-Autumn Rain

[Autumn Rain]

Sadgreeneyes, glad to hear back from you. Yes, I'm trying my best to tune them out and all. I'm still a university student, and in my university it seems like most of the students are still iunto this bullying game- whatever happened with maturity nowadays?

Anyway, today I talk to a friend about how I'm going to tune these people out. And I can't believe it when he said, "oh, I'll be more careful if I were you. You don't sound brave or daring, you sound like a social outcast if you do those things."

That stabs me.

I know it sounds silly, but being labelled social outcast is not something I'd expect from tuning these people out. Am I going to be a social outcast? How to deal with this- do those people in my class who see me being all alone really think I'm an outcast? When I said to my friend that no, I just going to be labelled a loner, he insisted that I didn't even match the loner descriptions. According to him, I sound more like an outcast, and when I asked him what he thought all these times about me, he said yes, that's what he thought all these times when he listen to my story. Oh, he comes from different university, so mostly I just exchange stories with him. I don't know what to do now....

one of my few circle of friends thought I'm an outcast. it breaks me.

I don't know if it sounds stupid to people. Should I just go on and don't care?

This is scary. Am I going to be an outcast wherever I go?

Edited August 10, 2009 by Autumn Rain
"university" not "uiversity"....I'm suck in typing sorry.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Autumn Rain

I don´t know if I understand your friend, how he can say what he say, it sounds like he don´t know what he is saying. When several people bully a person they make that person an outcast, but that doesn´t mean you "are" an outcast. And I find it very weird that your friend is saying what he said. Because if you chose to not bother these people you have made your own choices, there is nothing that says you have to have something to do with these people or try to fight back. By ignoring them you show them you are strong. What does your friend mean by saying "oh,I´ll be more careful if I were you". Why should you be careful? I´m not sure if I understand what you mean?. In what context did he say it? Anyway there is no reason for you to be careful by ignoring them. Maybe it is that they don´t understand this situation? Its very clear to me they are immature or they would not talk like they do or bully. It will be interesting to see what Allan have to say,I´m sure he will give you a much better answer. Stay strong! Hug from me!

Sadgreeneyes, glad to hear back from you. Yes, I'm trying my best to tune them out and all. I'm still a university student, and in my university it seems like most of the students are still iunto this bullying game- whatever happened with maturity nowadays?

Anyway, today I talk to a friend about how I'm going to tune these people out. And I can't believe it when he said, "oh, I'll be more careful if I were you. You don't sound brave or daring, you sound like a social outcast if you do those things."

That stabs me.

I know it sounds silly, but being labelled social outcast is not something I'd expect from tuning these people out. Am I going to be a social outcast? How to deal with this- do those people in my class who see me being all alone really think I'm an outcast? When I said to my friend that no, I just going to be labelled a loner, he insisted that I didn't even match the loner descriptions. According to him, I sound more like an outcast, and when I asked him what he thought all these times about me, he said yes, that's what he thought all these times when he listen to my story. Oh, he comes from different university, so mostly I just exchange stories with him. I don't know what to do now....

one of my few circle of friends thought I'm an outcast. it breaks me.

I don't know if it sounds stupid to people. Should I just go on and don't care?

This is scary. Am I going to be an outcast wherever I go?

Edited August 10, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

I agree with you but I want to ask you to work on changing one thing in your thinking: Not bothering with the bullies shows YOU how strong you are because it makes no difference what they think.

Allan

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Allan,

I know, I have problems to solve within myself when it comes to abusive relationships. The thing with me is that I don´t bother what other people think about me because I know who I am, but when it comes to being in relationships I get very attached emotionally and I feel guilt and bad for leaving and you know all what comes with it...but I know this is something I need to work on, try to move on and not be stuck in this situation. It is still the same, I haven´t deleted him and I see him changing his pics and stupid things to get attention, but I haven´t said one word to him. I focus on myself. I hope I will do fine.

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

I agree with you but I want to ask you to work on changing one thing in your thinking: Not bothering with the bullies shows YOU how strong you are because it makes no difference what they think.

Allan

Edited August 10, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[Autumn Rain]

Sadgreeneyes,

my friend is always good listener so I'm not sure myself why he said those things. Oh, and he said just now that he doesn't mean I'm an outcast in bad way- not sure what he meant either because we talk through messenger. Geeze, after all of those heartaches and tears I'd expect him to be more sensitive. I guess then he doesn't meant it in bad way when he said those words?

I read your postings and maybe I should try my best to be just like that, stay strong for myself. I question myself today why when he said about social outcast it seems like a big deal for me. I guess I really do care too much of this social-hierarchy thing. But I'm also afraid if I don't care much about it, I will really slip and become somekind of outcast for real. okay, then I care too much of this social status thingie. I guess it's not healthy?

It's stupid to fear this kind of thing right? Seems like I'm pro at adding up problems. Maybe I have to curb that too, must try to think in simple way.

I just don't want to care anymore I think. Maybe that's the best way, just don't care of any of it and it will eventually get better.

Heh, feel better already just ranting nonsense like this.

Good day for you too....and thankyou for the advices.

[Autumn Rain]

Oh and Allan,

If I can show myself how strong I am when I don't care about the bullies, will it really make me feel better about myself? Is that how I can break free from this fear-like feeling that always grip me whenever I'm bullied? I notice that whenever the incident happen, I always think inside i don't want to care, but then something in my mind say things like "don't be rude to them, what if you need their help or have to cooperate with them somewhere in the future?"

The thing is, I always afraid to make the wrong move and having them going all oh she is hurting me! I don't want to get in someone's bad side, in case I have to have any relation with that person in the near future. That's how fear and doubt grip me tight so I can't even look at my bullies, so most of the time I just look down or do anything but gaze at their direction. Sounds stupid right?

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Autumn Rain,

I think your friend didn´t mean it the bad way, I am glad to hear he is a good listener, that is what friends are for, as long as he understand your opinion about this. He should understand why you shouldn´t care about these bullies. It´s good you have this circle of friends. I don´t think you should think to much about whether you need to work with these bullies later at some points or not, like doing school work together, I guess that is what you mean? right now just focus on yourself and talk with your friend and don´t bother these silly people. Who are they anyway, right? I think it will be better if you try stop focusing on these people, they are not worth it as Allan say. Put yourself at focus, you are the only thing that matters.

Sadgreeneyes,

my friend is always good listener so I'm not sure myself why he said those things. Oh, and he said just now that he doesn't mean I'm an outcast in bad way- not sure what he meant either because we talk through messenger. Geeze, after all of those heartaches and tears I'd expect him to be more sensitive. I guess then he doesn't meant it in bad way when he said those words?

I read your postings and maybe I should try my best to be just like that, stay strong for myself. I question myself today why when he said about social outcast it seems like a big deal for me. I guess I really do care too much of this social-hierarchy thing. But I'm also afraid if I don't care much about it, I will really slip and become somekind of outcast for real. okay, then I care too much of this social status thingie. I guess it's not healthy?

It's stupid to fear this kind of thing right? Seems like I'm pro at adding up problems. Maybe I have to curb that too, must try to think in simple way.

I just don't want to care anymore I think. Maybe that's the best way, just don't care of any of it and it will eventually get better.

Heh, feel better already just ranting nonsense like this.

Good day for you too....and thankyou for the advices.

Edited August 10, 2009 by sadgreeneyes

[Autumn Rain]

Thankyou sadgreeneyes, you're right I should've focus more on myself.

It's hard to do so at times, especially when the fear grip tightly and suddenly all I can think about is how I'm burning another bridge, it's difficult to remember that I should've put myself first.

I like it when you say "Put yourself at focus, you are the only thing that matters." that's very much sum the goal I have to achieve!

Thankyou for listening to me too, I hope you're doing good yourself with your problems. Stay strong too, wherever you are!

regards,

-Autumn Rain.

[sadgreeneyes]

Your welcome Autumn Rain, I´m glad I could help And thank you, I hope you will do fine too! I wish you all the best! I must learn to focus more on myself too and put myself much higher than I have when it comes to these abusive relationships I have had the last 5 years. Right now I will focus on me and not this man Hopefully I will do well.

Thankyou sadgreeneyes, you're right I should've focus more on myself.

It's hard to do so at times, especially when the fear grip tightly and suddenly all I can think about is how I'm burning another bridge, it's difficult to remember that I should've put myself first.

I like it when you say "Put yourself at focus, you are the only thing that matters." that's very much sum the goal I have to achieve!

Thankyou for listening to me too, I hope you're doing good yourself with your problems. Stay strong too, wherever you are!

regards,

-Autumn Rain.