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still struggling


roamer2
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its another day of physical pain and the hell in my head.. im dealing with so many issues i feel like i have nothing left in me.. its been a life time battle that im looseing and 1 im not sure can be won or fixed.. hopeless helpless alone tired and just beat.. i have battled depression for as long as i can remember.. substance abuse started at a very early age.. although i have been clean now for 4 years and 6 months it seems bitter sweet.. i have tryed positive action so many times with the same results.. I FEEL WORSE!!!! AND NOTHING GETS BETTER!! the ast 5 years have been the worst hell of my life.. nothing id or any direction i get helps.. i dont have the strength to take any more action.. i give up. nothing i have done has mattered in a positive fashion.. no matter what it gets worse.. im broken i dont have anything left to give i just want out of this hell of constant physical emotional and mental tourcher and pain.. i honestly dont know what to do. where to go.. or anything else............ i give up i just give up....................

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Giving up never makes anything any better, only worse. I can't say this is true for you, but I've noticed in my past with depression and multiple other problems that life works in cycles. There are always points that things get worse, and times that it seems like we are at the low of the lows, but given time things get better. Please remember things can get better but only if you don't give up.

If you are going to do something to harm yourself or worse, please get help now. If you have a therapist, go talk to them; if you don't have one, get one. Check yourself into the hospital. YOU HAVE SO MANY OPTIONS!!! I know it may seem like you have no options, but that's only because you are behind the clouds.

Just by writing here, you are telling us that you don't want to give up. You are stronger than you think and you have the strength to get through this. You will get better.

Keep us posted. I hope this helps some.:D

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You are stuck right now in a small corner of your you. Why? Life has been way too d*** difficult!! So much so that much of who you are deep inside has never had a chance to even develop!!!! You've been too busy surviving and being whipped and whipping yourself. No way is that encouraging for the many other aspects of you to be able to come out.

Here's what is possible for you, beyond this highly triggered, worn out, giving up state you are in:

There will come a time when the emotion you are in the grip of will release its grip just enough. Just enough to let you take one step back.

That one step back, or to the side, will make all the difference. You will watch it, without having to be it to the exclusion of all the other aspects of you.

You can watch it and then feel another part of you stepping up to the situation. A part of you you've never allowed before because you were too much in the grip of the emotion. That new part of you doesn't come from fear and giving up. It comes from a totally different part of your brain, and it is such a wonderful relief to experience it. It was there all along, but you couldn't get there. When you identify exclusively with emergency panic fear loathing and never get to step out of that mode, you don't even know what else is possible for you.

That's why I'm always saying, take care of you, roamer. You beat yourself up so much! Does it help instead to say, take a step back, roamer. Just observe, don't attach any panic or loathing to your suffering moment. What is that like?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Roamer2,

I noticed that, in reading your post, that it is filled with vast generalizations that are very negative. Here is one example:

nothing i have done has mattered in a positive fashion.. no matter what it gets worse..

We call these types of thoughts "Automatic Thoughts" because they are not accurate but are apt to make you feel more depressed. For example, when you state that nothing you have done mattered I know that cannot be true because everyone does some things that matter some of the time.

In looking back at some of your posts I noticed that you mention Bipolar Disorder. Do you have that diagnosis and are you taking medication for it? I am asking because psychotherapy is important along with the medication. However, it is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that you need to help you replace those awful and inaccurate negative thoughts with those that are more realistic and that will help you.

You report that you have been clean (off of drugs) for four years and "nothing gets better." Again, this is not accurate. In fact, you say that being off of drugs has been bitter-sweet. Well, what about the "sweet" part of it?

I agree with Finding-my-way:) that you beat yourself up, you whip yourself. You must stop it and I think that CBT is the way to help you learn to stop doing that to yourself.

Allan

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i have no insurance anymore.. not transportation.. applied for dissability 19 months ago after 22 years of construction.. my health is a total wreak.. where i live i have no access to any mental health care and im looking at being homeless... i have no possesions other than clothing.. not even a bed.. i have no theropist now. because of finances and trans... no meds even for excrusiciating pain.. let alone phsyc drugs.. i can barely function.. the dissability is already gone from garnishment and i havent even had a hearing yet.. i've been working desprately to move forward but it does no good there is either no change or the situation worsens.. i thought that after my hearing i would have acess to med and phsyc care transpertation A HOME! but in the process of trying to do positive action and follow direction i learned tis all already gone and im just S.O.L

THIS IS THE STORY OF THE LAST 5 YEARS OF MY EXISTANCE!!!!

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Roamer2,

You may have already done this but just in case: you should apply for welfare and food stamps and section 8 housing. With Welfare comes Medicaid and that will pay for medical attention. In fact, I suggest you go to the local hospital emergency room for medical attention. They will treat you and get you onto Medicaid more quickly than if you do it alone.

For the mass media we are in a recession. For you and millions of other Americans who lost their jobs, income and home, this is a Depression!!!

Do not give up hope and look into what I suggested.

Allan

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thank you for the info. i will check into those asap. with all the dead ends its hard to get any hopes up. im only human i can only take so much. i feel like im past my limmit by far and am totaly powerless to change it. i just need some relief from pain a chance to exhale a chance period to live not just survive or exist.. im just so tired all the time. i have been asking what do i need to do to end this hell? and asking for years. nothing has worked. its been insanity. i try a different direction and it ends the same. i need all the help i can get.

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